A new sex shop has opened up on King Street in Old Town Alexandria, and ABC News is simply shocked!

“With its cobblestone streets and row houses, Old Town Alexandria, Va., is known for quaint colonial charm,” write reporters David Wright and Jenna Mucha, before immediately shattering their idyllic tableau: “The newest boutique on King Street, then, tends to stop people in their tracks. La Tache sells unique adult novelty items”—such as lingerie, lotions, and sex toys, oh my.

Lotion and cobblestone? It can never be!

If this is such a Big Fucking Deal, why is it that Wright and Mucha the only ones who seem to care about this clashing-of-worlds? The two Old Town residents ABC News could find to interview—anonymously!—about this frightening new retail trend appeared to not give a shit. At all:

But the really interesting part is that in Old Town, the neighbors don’t really seem to mind.

“It’s certainly different. As long as it doesn’t attract undesirable people,” said one resident.

Another who lives nearby said she doesn’t mind, “as Queen Victoria said, as long as it doesn’t startle the horses.”

Wait a second—that’s the interesting part? That nobody cares? And that the suggestion that anybody did care was purely an invention of ABC News? More interesting, I think, is that between two news reporters, nobody could get “a resident” to say a quote as inflammatory as “It’s certainly different” on the fucking record.

Photo by Afghan LORD.

While in Mexico over the weekend, I happened across a bargain bin full of over-the-border delicacies: Mexican porn comics selling at 8 pesos each. Behold: Thinking penises! Dialogue I do not quite understand! Women who look like they’re not wearing shirts even when they’re wearing shirts! This week, I review the copies I picked up. De nada, guys.

Previously: “Colegialas Ardientes,” reviewed; “Golosas del Sexo,”reviewed.

Title: “Historias Eroticas: Lujuriosos apretones ¡de CHICHES!”
["Erotic Histories: Lusters squeezing the BREASTS!"]

Distributor: “Seductora Sexual”
["Sexual Seducer"]

Plot: A married couple celebrates its eighth anniversary by doing it in the car. Then, the husband goes on a business trip, gets drunk with some lady, gets a boner, has sex with her. At some point, a gun is brandished and the lady passes out, but that part lost me.

Sample Dialogue:

José Miguel y Linda tenían ocho años de casados.
[José Miguel and Linda had been married eight years].

Precisamente, venian de festejar aquel acontecimiento con una cena.
[Indeed, they had come to celebrate the event with dinner].

JOSE MIGUEL: Wait. Wait a minute.
[JOSE MIGUEL: Espera, déjate tantito].

LINDA: ¡Que no, Chihuahua! Para eso tenemos nuestra casa.
[LINDA: No way, Chihuahua! For this, we have our house].

JOSE MIGUEL: Anda, dámelo como regalo de aniversario de bodas.
[JOSE MIGUEL: Come on, give it to me for an anniversary present].

LINDA: Humm … Está bien, Puedes mandarte en poco.
[LINDA: Humm ... Okay, you can take me a little bit].

JOSE MIGUEL: Gracias.
[JOSE MIGUEL: Thanks].

He does.

—

SPANISH LESSON: “Chihuahua”: invoke it.

BIEN: Ummm . . . now I know what “chiches” means.

MAL: Boring as hell. Seemingly nothing to do with chiches. Plus, no penis thought bubbles.

DETERMINING FACTOR: Overly long.

RATING: A big cero.