Think boys are simply born into their masculine gender role? Consider, for a moment, how quickly the cultural norms of acceptable maleness can change. The past decade of masculine fads saw cultural expressions of manliness range from finely-groomed boy bands to shlumpy stoners to blowed-out "guidos." The versions of masculinity that gained popularity in the aughts saw an infusion of traditionally feminine traits—along with a heavy dose of hyper-masculine compensation. Seven of the decade's enduring expressions of masculinity, below (and revisit the Decade in Femininity here).

BOY BANDS

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Peak Year: 2000

Lou Pearlman is credited with single-handedly inventing the slickly marketed boyhood embodied by the late '90s "boy bands." In a brilliant move, Pearlman (now serving time for the giant Ponzi scheme he engineered to exploit the Boys) created not one but two wildly successful boy bands, *N SYNC and the Backstreet Boys. These groups were essentially the same product, but they nevertheless managed to inspire strong preferences among young consumers (*N SYNC vs. Backstreet became a longstanding source of debate in American middle schools). It could be argued that Pearlman's bands were more a reflection of late-'90s girldom than boydom; the slickly packaged, highly emotional masculinity adopted by the boy bands provided an inoffensive outlet for young female fantasy. But face it, boys: You were into it too.

Ambassadors: Justin Timberlake, Nick Carter

Uniform: Skin-tight mock turtlenecks, earrings, hair gel.

Activities: Choreographed dancing, emoting.

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METROSEXUALS

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Peak Year: 2003

Metrosexuality reflected a conspicuous consumption of masculinity in a way that had previously been reserved for women. According to Mark Simpson, who is credited with coining the term, metrosexuality revealed a willingness to incorporate aspects of gay culture into heterosexual maleness. Metrosexuals, like gay men, were "decidedly single, definitely urban, dreadfully uncertain of their identity (hence the emphasis on pride and the susceptibility to the latest label) and socially emasculated. . . . gay men pioneered the business of accessorising–and combining–masculinity and desirability." Interestingly, metrosexuality began appropriating gay culture before mainstream America was entirely comfortable celebrating men who were actually gay. Straight guys were identifying as "metrosexual" well before Neil Patrick Harris and Lance Bass came out in 2006, and Dustin Lance Black gave his Oscar acceptance speech in 2009.

Ambassadors: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, David Beckham

Uniform: Designer.

Activities: Shopping, exercise bulemia, reading GQ.

In this video mash-up wedding the Buffy the Vampire series and the Twilight movie, editor Jonathan McIntosh presents "a critique of Edward’s character and generally creepy behavior" in order to expose "the more patriarchal gender roles and sexist Hollywood tropes embedded in the Twilight saga." I'm all for Buffy smacking down anybody. Still, aren't we forgetting all the stalk-y dudes she's dated over the years?

Apparently! Jezebel's hortense thanks McIntosh for showing that "Edward Cullen's creepiness too often gets a pass from those who brush aside his controlling, stalkerish ways as the signs of 'true love.'" Slate's Nina Shen Rastogi also commends the effort, noting that Buffy "knows from ridiculously good-looking, brooding vampire honeys. So when she tells you that stalking maketh not a courtship, you should listen to her."

Speaking as a Twilight fan who is also currently halfway through Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 4 on DVD (some call me "nerd"): Edward Cullen is a creepy, sparkling stalker, but he's harmless compared to the guys Buffy Summers has chosen for herself. Buffy the Vampire Slayer isn't off the hook with its stalking-and-violence-as-true-love-themes. And yes, I am living in 1997. Get over it.

Angel? Turned evil and had to kill him, then came back briefly in the fourth season only to —remember?—silently stalk Buffy in order to continue to protect her.

Riley Finn? Not even a fucking vampire, first of all, so I hate to even count this guy. But he did consistently refuse to accept Buffy's demon-murderin' autonomy, often following her along on missions to—yep—"protect" her. Plus, he was very, very annoying.

Spike? I haven't gotten this far yet—but Wikipedia describes their fling as "secret, mutually abusive." Sounds like an improvement.

Buffy's own history with stalking aside: The great thing about mash-ups is how they take things out of context to create new hilarious scenarios. But by taking Edward Cullen out of the context ofTwilight and applying him to a different ridiculous world of vampires, we forget how hilarious Cullen was in the context of his own movie. If you haven't seen Twilight, it was unbelievably absurd, and—in my opinion—awesomely so. He communicates only in absurdly disgusted looks! He plays baseball! He sparkles, for fuck's sake!

For the brainwashed masses of the Cullen obsessed, the vampire's stalkey ways—and his sparkliness—may very well represent true love. For those who aren't drinking the blood-flavored Kool-Aid, the absurdity of Cullen's courting only makes him more hilariously awesome—and way, way more entertaining than Riley Finn.

... in an unusual move after the successful launch of a franchise that has already generated $138.6 million, the upstart distrib is not bringing director Catherine Hardwicke back to direct the picture. Summit and Hardwicke cite Summit's wish to rush the movie into production as one reason for their split. Summit wants to release the picture, which will demand substantial CGI work, by the end of 2009 or the start of 2010. A former production designer, Hardwicke wanted more prep time.

Oh, you mean it's going to be even more rushed and shoddily produced than the first one, but this time with rushed and shoddily produced "substantial CGI work" on top of it? Whew.

Did I mention I'm totally free to direct a major studio adaptation in 2009? Call me!

Topics discussed: Jane Austen, morality, ballet studio, Pootie Tang, Edward Cullen, Zac Ephron unlike Edward Cullen, Mike Riggs unlike Edward Cullen, feasts of flesh

* okay, ten minutes.

Much has been made

Like Moe Tkacik, I don't believe that true love waits, but I don't believe in vampires, either, or that a dude with such exquisitely defined cheekbones could possibly be enrolled in any high school in the world. Sure, I understand that fantasy films can hold strong moral messages that have implications for the real world, the one inhabited by less attractive human specimens.

But Twilight is not mere fantasy. It is completely and gloriously absurd. A high school biology classroom fan doubles as a wind machine to blow our heroine's hair seductively (and in slow motion). Images of prancing wolves cut in to underscore the film's climax. The staring fits go on for minutes. Meadows are lounged upon. The vampires' skin glitters flamboyantly in the sun. A game of vampire baseball is played.

One of the film's most absurd aspects is how quickly the relationship between Bella and Edward escalates. Edward hates Bella, Bella hates Edward, Edward reveals he's a vampire, they go on a couple dates and then they are completely and irrevocably in love with each other. They are so in love that Bella yearns to be turned into a storybook monster so she can be with him for all eternity and Edward pledges his own eternal life to keeping her safe. This happens, seemingly, in a period of weeks. Plus, one of them is seventeen, and the other one is, like, a hundred.

In context, not inserting a vampire sex scene here is (a) certainly not the most ridiculous choice made by the storytellers and (b) hardly prudish. Can we really fault them—these absurd student vampires—for not having sex right away? They have an eternity to have sex!