Traditional beauty pageants come with all sorts of strange entrance requirements. In order to compete in the Miss America pageant, for example, a constestant must be an unmarried woman who has always been female, has never been pregnant, and has never engaged in any "immoral" or "indecent" activities.

D.C.'s annual LGBT pageant, Mr. and Miss Capital Pride, welcomes married, transgender, and pregnant contestants. The sexual history of entrants is unimportant; the entrance requirements don't even specify that contestants be part of the LGBT community. But the Pride pageant has got a few strange rules of its own. From the 2010 application [PDF]:

1. Do not get high and steal from other pageant contestants.

Any contestant, or person affiliated with a contestant, who misappropriates the property of another contestant, violates any law regarding the abuse of alcohol or drugs, or is caught in the act of stealing will be disqualified and removed from the location of the contest. Unsportsmanlike conduct by a contestant or contestant’s entourage (dresser, dancer) before, during or after the pageant will not be tolerated and is subject to immediate dismissal from the venue and pageant.

2. Entourage is responsible for any damage inflicted by entourage.

It is further understood by signature of this application and submission of this application, contestants and the contestant’s entourage (dresser, dancers) will take responsibility for any and all damage (should it occur) to Town before, during or after the pageant.

3. Only one dresser at a time:

Each contestant will be allowed ONLY one (1) dresser at any given time. Contestants must remain in the assigned area at all times. Administrative points will be deducted from contestants who do not remain in the designated area. Dressers and Dancers as well as any other helpers with a contestant must pay at the front door before being allowed access to the dressing room.

4. No tips.

At no time during the contests shall a contestant or their helper(s) receive a gratuity of any kind during their time on stage.

5. All colors of rainbow must be represented. Rules for the "Pride Attire" category:

Pride attire may be presented by the contestant in the form of his/her most imaginative and creative style. Pride attire is not limited to any one color, but should encompass the full scale of the rainbow. Make your own statement and get as creative as you like.

6. No strings attached. Rules for the ladies' "Evening Gown" category:

Evening gown will be the most elegant outfit you wear during the pageant (i.e. full length not a cocktail dress). It should complement your figure and make a statement of your personal style and taste. The dress accessories should be in perfect condition. No strings should be anywhere on the dress unless the style warrants it. There should be no tears in any part of the fabric and the gown should be stain and wrinkle free. It is your responsibility to take care of the gown and keep it in perfect condition during the pageant.

7. Black jeans are not formal wear. Rules for the men's "Formal Wear" category [Gender nerd noted: Observe how the women's gowns must "complement your figure" while the men's formal wear must simply "complement you"]:

Formal wear should be the most distinguished outfit you wear during the contest (i.e. black tie, tails, regular or modern tuxedo, no black jeans). It should complement you and make a statement of your personal style and taste. No strings should be anywhere on the formal attire. There should be no tears in any part of the fabric and the garment should be stain and wrinkle free. It is your responsibility to take care of your formal wear and keep it in perfect condition during the pageant.

8. Lip-syncing will be judged on proper phrasing. I love that there are three possible talent categories here: "lip-sync," "live vocal," and "other." Hey, beats the swimsuit competition:

Talent is the highest point category in the Mr. & Miss Capital Pride 2010 contests. Contestants will be judged on the quality of lip-sync, live vocal or other entertainment. Judges will be looking for lip sync or live singing ability. This will include but not limited to words to his/her song and proper phrasing within the song. If it is a live performance, is the talent of good quality? If there is choreography, the dancers should know the steps and steps should flow. If a member of your troupe does not know his/her part, points will be deducted from you score. Quality of set design and construction are not judged (note: allowed height 8 feet). All contestants are responsible for their sets. Judges are instructed to deduct points if a set does not complement or enhance the talent and if the set falls or is broken during the talent phase of competition. All costuming and set design should fit the style and mood of the talent being presented. Is your talent appropriate for competition? Does your talent move, excite or educate the judges panel and the audience. It is important to know that you are being judged by a panel of judges and not by the audience. Keep in mind that subcategories make up the total score in each category of competition.

In other words: This is going to be awesome. The Mr. and Miss Capital Pride 2010 pageant will begin promptly at 7 p.m. Friday, June 4th at Town Danceboutique.

So I logged on to the High Times Web site today, as you do, and I came across a typical ad targeting pot enthusiasts: A woman dropping her lacy panties alongside the teaser, "Want to see more? We know you want to!" Users who are interested in seeing more are introduced to  "The Whizzinator," a dildo that really looks like a penis.

At first, I was confused by the marketing strategy here. How effective is it to lure people into purchasing a fake (but highly realistic) penis by implying the promise of a vagina? Perhaps I am underestimating the target audience for High Times advertising, but I imagine that many a typical heterosexual dude who eagerly clicks on those panties only to find a selection of penises would be hit with such a raging case of homo- and transphobia that he would be unlikely to invest in the services advertised. But then I investigated the Whizzinator further, and things became even curiouser.

The Whizzinator, as the name implies, is a dildo that facilitates faux pissing. "The Whizzinator Strap-On XXX is the cleanest way to get dirty," the ad copy reads. "This ultra hygenic and sterile ultimate wet sex simulator is designed with sensual pleasure in mind." A Whizzinator comes with a syringe, "synthetic urine pack," heat packs, an instruction manual, and a condom. "Golden Shower" refills of freeze-dried pee are also available.

That's where the Whizzinator's next advertising turn comes in—though explicitly marketed to those who want to incorporate safe, clean urination into their sex lives, a colleague reminded me that the Whizzinator might also be of particular use to men who use drugs, and may resort to fake-peeing through a prosthetic penis in an attempt to pass a drug test. A-ha, so the Whizzinator is of immediate interest to the High Times' target audience.

So why send them through these various marketing hoops in order to get them to purchase a negative test result? I imagine it has something to do with those phobias. When you're trying to sell lifelike penis accessories to hetero men, perhaps it helps to give the more sensitive among them an excuse to say, "Hey—I found this penis accessory by clicking on some naked chick."

The Whizzinator retails for $139.95. And the strangest thing about the marketing here? It is available in white, brown, black, tan and "Latino."

Some people believe that every human being has the right to a full and healthy life. Others believe that every human being has a right to a full and healthy life—as long as they aren't gay, addicted to drugs, or a prostitute.

And then, there are those who believe that only pre-born babies are innocent enough to deserve a full and healthy life. These people are the reason that the campaign against AIDS has to focus on infected pregnant women—instead of infected pregnant women, infected drug users, infected prostitutes, and infected gay men.

AIDS activist Elizabeth Pisani drove this point home in a recent interview with VICE Magazine. Pisani is a crusader against both AIDS and the bullshit which prevents health organizations from fighting it. There are a lot of insights in this long interview with Pisani. Most interesting to me is the way the fight against AIDS has been shaped by branding issues.

The face of AIDS, Pisani argues, has been focused so exclusively on the "innocents"—like pregnant women, their unborn children, and recipients of blood transfusions—that the epidemic has been left to thrive in the most at-risk populations—like gay men, drug users, and sex workers. The problem, of course, resolves itself in the most macabre way: The epidemic eventually spreads from "the wicked" to the "innocents," who are not as isolated as the judgmental types would like to believe.

Says Pisani:

Yes, gay men, drug injectors, and people who sell and buy sex, the three groups which are more likely to get HIV, are the so-called “wicked” people. At UNAIDS we had to find a way to turn it from a “disease of the wicked” into a “disease of the innocent”. Unfortunately, in the process of trying to do that, we turned attention from the groups who most needed it to the whole population. So what we were essentially trying to saying was, “If you don't invest in prevention for these high risk groups now, then you will have a bigger epidemic—i.e. innocent women and kids—later on.” What the politicians heard, however, was, “HIV prevention blah blah blah blah innocent women and children.” It's like talking to a dog who recognizes only its name and the name of the food. Can you recollect a precise moment for this shift in perception? It was when the African epidemic really hit people's radars. In Africa all of our data came from pregnant women, and you can't have a more touchy-feely innocent group than pregnant women and their unborn babies. That was the thing that really made people think it wasn't just a disease of 'the wicked'.

The whole interview is worth a read, including Pisani's explanation for why democracies have been less proactive at fighting the epidemic: "Democracy isn't all that good at protecting the rights of minority groups who don't vote. . . . when I say public health is a fascist discipline, I mean it." Hey, maybe that finally explains President Bush's initiatives to fund AIDS work in Africa?

Photo by bryan88

When a Fairfax County mother got an urgent call from school last month reporting that her teenage daughter was caught popping a pill at lunchtime, she did not panic. "It was probably her birth-control pill," she thought. She was right.

Her heart dropped that afternoon in the assistant principal's office at Oakton High School when she and her daughter heard the mandatory punishment: A two-week suspension and recommendation for expulsion.

This story has less to do with reproductive rights than it does the thorough fucked-up-edness of the high school's zero-tolerance drug policy.

Because the student chose to took the pill herself instead of handing the pack over to the school nurse to distribute every lunch period, she'll face penalties on par with "bringing a gun to school" and harsher than "if she had been caught high on LSD, heroin or another illegal drug." This is in a place where "county policy permits cough drops to be carried on campus, for instance, but not shared."

What's most fucked about this situation*?

(a) The student had been prescribed the drug by a doctor
(b) Nobody has ever gotten high off of birth control, ever
(c) The Fairfax school system could better spend its resources like, teaching shit
(d) The cough drop-sharing menace has declined in recent years
(d) fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Let's parse the levels of fuck in the following statement from a Fairfax schools administrator:

"Most people would not know the difference between birth control or some Ritalin or Tylenol or codeine," said Clarence Jones, coordinator for the Fairfax school system's safe and drug-free youth program. "If they are just pulling something out of their pockets and sticking it in their mouths, we don't know what they are taking."

Ah yes, the intuitive juxtaposition of "birth control" versus "some Ritalin or Tylenol or codeine." One drug can only be used to prevent babies; the others are explicitly prescribed so that kids with ADD can learn, are sold over-the-counter for headaches, or are highly addictive pain medications that cause symptoms of withdrawl.

But if administrators could not, in fact, tell if a teen was popping a birth control pill, or a self-purchased cough drop, or crack or whatever, here's a solution: Why don't you just ask that teenage human that's sitting right in front of you? If they have a prescription for the medication, or if the medication does not require a prescription, leave them alone and move on to more important issues, like prosecuting sexters or alerting the media to clandestine rainbow parties.

* Answer: D.