A week from today, if the McCain-Palin ticket manages an unexpected, mavericky victory and clinches the presidency, low-rent bloggers, editorial cartoonists, and Hustler will all silently rejoice. Sarah Palin has been a Wasilla-Assembly-of-God-send for Web traffic numbers (Exhibits A and B) since her sudden Sept. nomination as McCain’s veep. News of Hustler’s Palin spoof porn alone has sent thousands of clicks to this modest local outfit. To those googling for “sarah palin adult film,” “palin porn preview,” and “adult film stars palin look-a-like“: I salute you!

If Palin doesn’t push her running mate over the edge by Election Day, it’s going to be a real ratings suck for Internet publications across the blogosphere. What new trend could possibly replace Palin? Here are five suggestions, based on this blog’s other top google hits. Integrate these lessons into your Web copy, and it’s smooth sailin’ until 2012.

5. Lindsay Lohan. Ever since Lindsay Lohan went gay, she’s been even more like Web traffic honey: sweet and sticky. Work Lindsay + Lohan + gay into your blog posts, sprinkle on a coating of Samantha + Ronson, and let the admirers, the haters, and the perverts roll in.

Read More “Goobye, Sarah Palin; Oh Fuck, What Are We Gonna Do Now?” »

My father, a Barack Obama supporter, compares the final presidential debate to the last quarter of a sports game: Now that his candidate appears on the verge of victory, all he can do is watch on as he horribly squanders it all at the last minute. So this final debate drinking game is for those Obama supporters knocking furiously on wood, crossing their fingers, and still wearing their unwashed “Barack Obama Is My Homeboy” T-shirt from last year. It’s also for those John McCain supporters holding out for an improbable Cinderella story win, wherein McCain feigns a pitch to catch Obama stealing a base, then Palin comes in to sack Joe Biden while McCain fakes left and swishes the half-court shot at the buzzer for the T.K.O. Drink!

The game kicks off tonight at 9 p.m. EST at Hofstra University in Hempstead, NY. I’ll be live-blogging the debate on the City Paper website starting then.

TAKE A DRINK FOR EVERY OBAMA AIRBALL:

- Obama says “that’s not change, that’s more of the same”
. . . adds in “yes we can” for good measure [x2]
- Obama says “John McCain is right . . .”
- Obama calls McCain by wrong name
. . . or calls Michelle by wrong name [x2]
- Obama appears to have recently received botox injection
. . . plus collagen [x2]
- Obama trips
- Obama unable to name Supreme Court case
- Obama swears [finish your drink]
- Obama admits he is, in fact, Muslim [finish two drinks]
- Obama admits he is, in fact, domestic terrorist [finish all drinks, everywhere]

TAKE A DRINK FOR EVERY MCCAIN HAIL MARY PASS:

- McCain refers to self as “maverick”
- McCain accuses Obama of lying
- McCain mentions Sarah Palin
- McCain mentions Bill Ayers
- McCain himself makes sports metaphor
. . . McCain makes any nonsensical metaphor [x2]
- McCain smiles without creeping you out
- McCain laughs without creeping you out [x2]
- McCain emerges as pro-choice [finish your drink]
- McCain appears to regard wife Cindy with love and mutual respect [finish two drinks]
- McCain removes mask to reveal he is, in fact, Barack Obama [drink all brain matter exploded onto television set]

Photo by Latente.

I’ll be live-blogging the presidential town hall debate over at City Desk tonight. Follow along here starting around 9 p.m., or take the edge off with the Town Hall Debate Drinking Game.

Earlier I live-blogged Thursday’s Vice Presidential Debate. Yep, there was a drinking game for that one, too.

Presidential candidates—remember them? Now that the dust has settled on the Palin/Biden debate, they’re back to bore you again with their conservative man-suits and less-sassy cries of “maverick.” In order to mix it up a bit for the viewer, tonight’s debate, held at Nashville’s Belmont University, will be in a “Town Hall” Q & A format. Tom Brokaw will moderate questions from citizens chosen by the Gallup organization. One Nashville resident, writing on Daily Kos, cries foul on the whole “town hall” idea: “This just takes place in our town,” he writes, “making it is as much a part of our town as Guantanamo Bay is of Cuba.”

Hmm. I’m betting your question wouldn’t have been at the top of their list anyway, friend.

Citizens of America Town who chose to play along with the convention have already filed their burning questions through MySpace.com, but even those who missed the submission deadline can stay relevant by drinking the talking points away. In the grand tradition of The Sexist’s Vice Presidential Debate Drinking Game, here’s your guide to taking the edge off at Town Hall.

Enough about the Maverick and the Dreamer—this drinking game is about Joe Six-Pack. Viewers, please turn your attention to the folks asking the questions. Feel free to rely on sweeping assumptions based on appearance and/or accent.

DRINK IF THE CURIOUS AMERICAN CITIZEN APPEARS TO BE:

- Angry
- “Concerned”
- Dumb
- Hipster
. . . visibly disheveled [x2]
- Hot
- Mom
. . . with a child in the military [x2]
- Mulletted
- Nervous
- Older than John McCain
. . . hard of hearing [x 2]
. . . + unable to correctly use a microphone [finish your beer]
- Ponytailed
. . . dude [x 2]
- Self-righteous
- Southern
- Star-struck
. . . crush on Obama [x 2]
- Younger than Sarah Palin
. . . younger than you [x your age]
- Unemployed
- Union worker
- Veteran
- Wealthy

FINISH YOUR BEER IF YOUR FELLOW AMERICAN APPEARS TO BE:

- Someone you know
- Pregnant
- Insane

For those who’d prefer to read with their television: Starting at 9 p.m., I’ll be live-blogging the debate over on CityDesk, a City Paper blog so frighteningly close to The Sexist I can almost see it from my own backyard.

Photo—The War of Wealth by C.T. [Charles Turner] Dazey—courtesy of trialsanderrors.

Thursday night, I’ll be live-blogging the sole VP debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden. As I do so, I will be playing a Palin-Biden drinking game of my own design. Here, The Sexist’s advice on when to drink—and when to chug.

Alcoholic beverage of choice. If you decide to play up the regional theme, select Alaskan Amber for Palin and Delaware brew Dogfish Head for Biden. If you’re playing for personality, select a Moosehead Lager for Palin (or a sloppy White Russian, if you’re looking for something harder). When toasting to Biden, immerse yourself in blue-collar Scranton, PA and choose a Rolling Rock (edit-now proudly brewed in New Jersey).

CHUG YER BEER if you hear PALIN say:

- Russia
- Name of any foreign leader (mispronounced)
- Elitism
- God / Jesus
- Main Street
-Abortion
- Drill [x10 if followed by "Baby, drill"]
- Barack Obama
- Joe
- “Pssh,” or “Psshaw”
BONUS: Drink anytime Palin blinks.

SIP FROM THY DOGFISH HEAD if BIDEN says:

- Bush Doctrine
- Name of any foreign leader (pronounced correctly)
- Experience
- Middle class
- Financial bailout
- Scranton
- Wall Street
- John McCain
- Governor
- Exasperated sigh

FINISH YOUR BEER if:

- PALIN says “Lipstick” or “Hockey”
- BIDEN compliments any woman’s looks
- PALIN says she’ll “get back to you.”
- BIDEN appears to creepily check out Palin
- EITHER CANDIDATE says a FACT you know to be false.

Add your suggestions in the comments.

Image—S.S. Princess May shipwrecked off Sentinel Island, Alaska, 1910—by trialsanderrors.