In the good old days, vaginal irrigation—or "douching"—was a feminine cure-all. With just one blast of vinegar bleach water, a douche could keep your vagina fresh, baby-free, and acceptable for presentation to your husband. Douching has since been widely discredited by the medical community, but the linguistic legacy of the vaginal douche lives on. Nowadays, the "douche" and its accessories—like the "douchebag" and "douche-nozzle"—are more often used for insult than genital hygiene.

Unfortunately, some of this century's most offensive douching accessories have been lost to time. But "douche benches" and "douche cushions" deserve a proper schoolyard homage, as well. Kids, learn how to work these medical marvels into your playground vernacular, below.

The Douche Bench, ca. 1900

Inventor: William Theodor Gregg

Theory: The relaxing douche option. "The purpose of this invention is to provide means on which a woman may recline while douching the vagina and with the help of which the parts may be properly disposed for the application of the douche."

Modern Usage: "Get up off the couch and take out the trash, you lazy douche-bench."

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The Douche Chair, ca. 1908

Inventor: Sarah Ann Mendenhall

Theory: Hell, nobody said douching was easy. "The objects of the invention are to provide a table or apparatus of this character, adapted more particularly for the administration of rectal enemas and vaginal douches, in the employment of which the patient will be supported in the most advantageous and comfortable position to secure the best results from the treatment; in which the evacuated matter may be disposed of in a manner that will not be offensive either to the patient, or to the attendant, if there be one; to provide for the necessary adjustment of the parts of the apparatus to bring the limbs and body of the patient to the proper position to secure the most efficacious injection of the remedial or other agents; to render all of the parts that will be exposed to contact with contaminative matter thoroughly sanitary and cleanly; to adapt the apparatus to be knocked down or collapsed when not in use, thus to occupy but small space; and, generally, to improve the construction and extend the range of usefulness of apparatus of this character."

Modern Usage: "You need 50 discretely labeled parts to get some water into your vagina? You prissy little douche chair!"

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The Douche Mat, ca. 1899

Inventor: Mary M. Hawley

Theory: When you just can't get out of bed for your morning douching. "The objects of this invention are to afford thorough and adequate protection against soiling and wetting the bed-linen in giving douches or enemas and to provide ready and effective means for conveying away the water or other detergent used to a suitable receptacle."

Modern Usage: "I'm rubber; you're a douche-mat. Everything you say bounces off me, then drips discretely from beneath your bedlinens, where it comes to rest in this decorative urn."

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The Douche Table, ca. 1923

Inventor: Lizzie Gish

Theory: I think this one is upside down. "The device consists essentially of a table . . . to avoid the necessity of either climbing or stooping to any considerable extent when desiring to occupy the supported surface [to douche your vagina]."

Modern Usage: "Your mother's vagina is so resistant to douching, she is forced to climb atop an elevated table and dubiously cleanse her genitalia with the aid of gravity."

—

Douche Cushion, ca. 1897

Inventor: Albert Stoll

Theory: For the facial douche. "The device is by its novel construction found to be of great utility as a pillow and bathing device for the head. Thus in case, of a cut, wound, or sore on the head the head can be placed upon the pillow previously filled with hot water or medicated liquid, with the wound or part to be treated on the aperture in the pillow, and a steady stream of the hot water or medicament can be applied to wash the wounded or sore portion, and this notwithstanding that the patient is compelled to take a recumbent position either from weakness or through an accident."

Modern Usage: "Your face is a douche cushion."

In case you were wondering what happened to those crazy bitches picked up for "female hysteria" prior to 1900: it's pictured.

"illustration of French pelvic douche device" via Wikipedia Commons.

Alright Judd Apatow,

You did it. You made us cry. I want to blame it all on the Loudon Wainwright III track you craftily played over the end credits of "Knocked Up," but I can't. I'll admit it. I believe that there is a part deep inside of you—way, way "Freaks and Geeks" deep inside—that understands characters that might appeal to the lady douchebags among us.

First, we'd like to commend you on your achievement of crafting some of the most enduring male douchebags of film. The films you've written, directed, or produce have been rife with these lovable douche-cads: Seth of Superbad, who coined the term "shmashmortion"; Ben of Knocked Up, who endearingly cradled his bong instead of his pregnant girlfriend during an earthquake; David of 40 Year Old Virgin, who memorably opined, "You know how you know you're gay?"

And yet, that mastercraftsmanship was eerily absent when forming the 40 Year Old Virgin's three main female characters—you know, that one drunk slut, that one sober slut, and the one nice mom lady who didn't have sex at all. I didn't catch much of a glimpse of it in Superbad, either, which featured teen versions of the above—you know, the one sex object who didn't drink and the other sex object who turned into a drunk slut at the film's climax. And "knocked up" pretty much sums up the emotional states of the two main ladies in that film. Douchey, sure! Funny, not so much.

But we know you have it in you to create some supreme weed-smoking, Gandalf-impersonating, laundry-soaped-beer-stealing, shmashmortion-joking, responsibility-shirking, non-sex-object, non-mother, fun lady douchebags. We even caught sight briefly of this Apatowing lady-douche, in Knocked Up's stoner girlfriend Jodi. She was in the movie for like three seconds.

But we know there is a part of you that would like to create an entire 90-minute storyline around this elusive lady-douche. We suspect this part of you is right next to the part of you that introduced the women of the world to James Franco (THANK YOU for that, by the way).

Seriously, Apatow, all you really have to do is take the characters you already have and slap vaginas on them. That's like, only one step further than what you usually do whenever you make a new movie.

Sincerely,

Concerned Lady Douches of America

Photo via Wikipedia

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