In the good old days, vaginal irrigation—or “douching”—was a feminine cure-all. With just one blast of vinegar bleach water, a douche could keep your vagina fresh, baby-free, and acceptable for presentation to your husband. Douching has since been widely discredited by the medical community, but the linguistic legacy of the vaginal douche lives on. Nowadays, the “douche” and its accessories—like the “douchebag” and “douche-nozzle”—are more often used for insult than genital hygiene.

Unfortunately, some of this century’s most offensive douching accessories have been lost to time. But “douche benches” and “douche cushions” deserve a proper schoolyard homage, as well. Kids, learn how to work these medical marvels into your playground vernacular, below.

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In case you were wondering what happened to those crazy bitches picked up for “female hysteria” prior to 1900: it’s pictured.

“illustration of French pelvic douche device” via Wikipedia Commons.

Alright Judd Apatow,

You did it. You made us cry. I want to blame it all on the Loudon Wainwright III track you craftily played over the end credits of “Knocked Up,” but I can’t. I’ll admit it. I believe that there is a part deep inside of you—way, way “Freaks and Geeks” deep inside—that understands characters that might appeal to the lady douchebags among us.

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The turn-of-the-century Lysol douche: For those married women whose genitalia doesn’t naturally reek of bleach like it used to. These early-1900s ads, courtesy of flickr user mrbill, explain the many marital problems that can be resolved by a good vagina sterilization.

The Lysol douche: for when your husband locks you out of the house

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