The Washington Area Women's Foundation has a round-up of new laws affecting women and girls in Maryland and Virginia. Two highlights: In Virginia, "Domestic violence victims will be able to extend protective orders obtained in cases of family abuse or stalking" for two years, with no limit on the number of extensions. And in Maryland, the “Kids First Express Lane Eligibility Act” will use tax records to "identify families with children who may be eligible for Medicaid or the Maryland Children’s Health Program," in an effort to encourage eligible families to apply for those benefits.

Photo via steakpinball, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Mel Gibson was condemned for (allegedly) threatening to burn down his house and force his ex, Oksana Grigorieva, to blow him (presumably after he saved her from being raped by a group he describes with his usual Gibsonian eloquence).

Gibson allegedly said this: "I am going to come and burn the f–king house down . . . but you will blow me first." He added that Grigorieva looks like a "fucking pig in heat" whose clothes will get her "raped by a pack of [racial slur too horrible to repeat]."

This is how the threat of an uncommon form of sexual assault—stranger gang rape—is used to facilitate the more common form of abuse—acquaintance rape. So next time you start to warn someone in your life against wearing "suggestive" clothing outside the house? Keep in mind that this is a tactic rapists use, and that you are actually statistically more likely than any of the lurking strangers out there to commit this offense.

Think of it this way: We all agree that pickpocketing constitutes "theft." A pickpocket doesn't get to come along and argue: "No, what I did isn't theft, it's merely pickpocketing, and therefore it isn't illegal." Any newspaper that played along with a pickpocket's demand to stop using the word "theft" would be taking the pickpocket's side, not occupying any middle ground. There is no middle ground here.

Remember that the next time the media calls intimate partner violence and sexual assault by any-other-name. When a publication calls rape "sex," it is not reserving judgment before trial. When it describes an accused assailant as "a loose cannon" and a "bad boy," it is not adding color. When it characterizes self-defense after sexual assault as a "bar fight," it is not being fair. It's taking sides.

Research shows that intimate partner violence occurs at the same rate in the LGBTQ communities as in the heterosexual community. Last year, Rainbow Response released a groundbreaking report on IPV in the District, which confirmed that DC’s LGBTQ communities experience IPV at the same rate as the heterosexual community. However, for a variety of reasons, survivors of IPV in the LGBTQ communities do not have equal access to services to help them escape; therefore it’s critical that our community be afforded as many protections and resources as possible.

Although there is no federal law outlawing discrimination against LGBTQ individuals in the workplace, the District has outlawed this type of discrimination for many years. Unfortunately, it remains perfectly legal to terminate an LGBTQ employee who happens to be a victim of IPV, simply for reasons related to the abuse. For example, three years ago one of my good friends, who is a lesbian and was out to her employer, found herself in an abusive relationship and was forced to miss work periodically because she was either in court seeking a protection order, or was at home waiting for the bruises on her face to disappear. Noticing that she had been taking time off from work, her employer threatened to fire her even after my friend disclosed the reasons for her absence. Fortunately, this talk happened just as her abusive partner finally decided to leave the relationship, and the District, for good. However, if my friend’s employer had fired her, she would have had no recourse available. Not only would she have been abused by her partner, she would have become abused by the system too.

. . . Much has been discussed about the comprehensive provisions in the bill, including requiring employers to post notice of these protections, develop workplace violence policies, and provide training for staff on domestic violence. Many questions and concerns have been raised about these provisions that are important and valid. I have tremendous respect for both the business and domestic violence community, and have no doubt that we can all work together with Committee staff to revise the bill where necessary to ensure it moves forward. But please let me remind us what the core issue of this bill is about at the end of the day: discrimination. If we as a society are committed to creating a safe and healthy District of Columbia, then we must help those who are in need, and protect them while they heal, not unravel the fragile threads that are supporting them.

Since assaulting girlfriend Rihanna in February of 2009, Chris Brown has repeatedly tried, and failed, to convince the public that he is sorry. On Aug. 31, 2009, Brown told Larry King: "When I look at it now, it's just like, wow, like, I can't believe that that actually happened." On Nov. 16, he told Wendy Williams "the steps that I've taken to show that I'm sorry probably have been perceived wrong," adding later in the show that he loves women. And Brown's tribute to Michael Jackson at last night's BET awards failed to correct the public perception problem.

In case you missed Brown's performance, the R&B singer was tasked with performing a medley of Jackson's greatest hits on the award show. He started with "The Way You Make Me Feel," continued with "Smooth Criminal," and sailed through "Billie Jean" before finally arriving at "Man in the Mirror," at which point he collapsed in tears, fist-pumped the air, and exited the stage without finishing the song. Commenter Lizrd described the spectacle this way: "Chris Brown did the Michael Jackson tribute, and then proceeded to cry throughout 'Man in the Mirror' in what I can only assume is a delicious truffle filled with creamy irony, descended from heaven as a gift for me."

Today, commentators are speculating as to whether Brown's tearful denouement was authentic or staged (smooth criminal indeed). The real question is what on earth Brown is meant to be expressing sadness about here. Is it Michael Jackson's premature death? Pelicans covered in oil, which appeared on the big screen during the song? That he assaulted his girlfriend last year? Maybe it's Haiti.

The Washington Post's Celebritology column asks if whatever that was means it's time to forgive Brown for assaulting Rihanna. I can't tell the music-listening public when (if ever) it ought to extend its forgiveness to Brown. But I would suggest that the guy needs to do a little bit more than cry indiscriminately over an undetermined source of sadness in order to get our money back.

Today, Amanda Marcotte filed a helpful post identifying how media outlets routinely describe assaults against women in collaborative terms, as "fights" or "altercations" between people. She writes:

Do not be fooled, people! In the mainstream media, “fights”, “conflicts”, or “altercations” between men and women they’ve had relationships with are rarely fights, conflicts, or altercations. If you read down, you find that this woman was no more engaged in an “altercation” than Wile E. Coyote is with the piano that squishes him.

Marcotte points to press coverage of an assault that David Vitter aide Brent Furer allegedly committed against his ex-girlfriend. Reporters characterized the assault as a "knife-wielding altercation." Here's the actual story: "Furer was accused of holding his ex-girlfriend against her will for 90 minutes, threatening to kill her, placing his hand over her mouth, and cutting her in the hand and neck."

In Corey's case, the Washington Examiner not only characterized her assault in terms of a collaborative "bar fight," but went on to focuse most of its attention on Corey as the aggressor. In one story, the paper described Corey's self-defense as "slam[ming] a man (if provoked)," and referred to her choice to defend herself as a "controversial decision." The nature of the "provocation"—sexual assault—does not warrant a mention in the story. When a man kidnaps a woman at knife-point, that's an "altercation"; when a woman fights back against an assault, it's a "controversial decision."

The D.C.-based WEAVE, or Women Empowered Against Violence, has launched a new campaign to raise awareness about domestic violence for an LGBT audience. "Show Me Love, DC!," the campaign's online component, includes statistics about the problem, discussions about healthy relationships, and legal resources for the LGBT community.

Some stats that illustrate the need for Show Me Love: While the overall rates of domestic violence in gay and lesbian relationships are comparable to those of straight couples, LGBT youth are at a higher risk of dating violence than straight people of the same age. Over 75 percent of the cases handled by the D.C. police's Gay and Lesbian Liaison Unit are domestic-violence related.  Only 20 percent of LGBT victims of domestic violence and sexual assault seek help. Press release after the jump.

Campaign Launches to Address Intimate Partner Violence in LGBTQ Communities

Local Nonprofit to Raise Awareness of Healthy Relationships in DC

WASHINGTON (JUNE 1)  –  Women Empowered Against Violence, Inc. (WEAVE) today launched Show Me Love, DC! – an innovative campaign designed to promote healthy relationships in Washington’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender and Queer (LGBTQ) communities.  An interactive web hub for the campaign, www.ShowMeLoveDC.org, features information on healthy relationships, support resources for LGBTQ survivors, quizzes and facts and the campaign’s “Postcard Project.”

“This is an exciting campaign because there is very little information out there for LGBTQ people on building healthy relationships or about where to go if relationships aren’t healthy,” said Morgan Lynn, Supervising Attorney and Manager of LGBTQ Program for WEAVE.

“The hopes of the Show Me Love campaign are twofold — To get people in DC’s LGBTQ communities actively talking about and working toward healthy relationships, and to provide a resource for people in unhealthy relationships where they can find information and lists of LGBTQ-friendly service providers,” Lynn said.

In conjunction with LGBT Pride Month, throughout June, the Show Me Love campaign will host a series of events throughout DC, including a Launch Party at Pulp DC store on 14^th Street, NW on June 11^th from 5-7 PM, an interactive art-based Postcard Project, community-based conversations, a Metrobus ad campaign and information tables at upcoming Capital Pride and Trans Pride events.

The Show Me Love, DC! campaign is backed by an advisory committee of local artists, activists, social workers and attorneys and is funded through a grant from the Office for Victims of Crime, which is a component of the Office of Justice Programs in the U.S. Department of Justice.

“Everyone deserves relationships that are healthy and free from all forms of abuse – no exceptions” said Joye E. Frost, Acting Director of the Office for Victims of Crime.  “We are proud to support this initiative and think it can be used as a model in other parts of the country.”

Created in 2007, WEAVE’s LGBTQ Program provides free assistance to address the specific legal needs of Washington’s LGBTQ survivors of domestic violence, sexual violence, dating violence and stalking. WEAVE also hosts three weekly walk-in legal clinics that provide free legal advice.

For more information on the campaign, please visit: www.ShowMeLoveDC.org.

###

WEAVE is a Washington-based nonprofit that works closely with adult and teen survivors of relationship violence and abuse, providing an innovative range of legal, counseling, economic and educational services that leads survivors to utilize their inner and community resources, achieve safety for themselves and their children, and live empowered lives. For more information on WEAVE, please visit: www.weaveincorp.org.

* Via SAFER Campus, Iowa's Grinnell College has responded to concerns about racist and misogynistic views expressed by students at a jello-heavy, cunnilingus-themed party. The upside: This is not the last time "cunnilingus" will appear on this blog today!

* Former Politico scribe Helena Andrews pens an essay about her frustration at only being set up with black men:

"I've got a guy for you. He's so hot, it's perfect." It was the spring of '08 when Maureen Dowd, the Pulitzer Prize-winning New York Times columnist, decided to take it upon herself to find me a man—specifically, Reggie Love, Barack Obama's "body guy" (read: personal aide). Standing outside the auditorium in Philadelphia where Obama the candidate had just given his loaded race speech, I thought to myself, How could a woman I'd helped with a computer problem once as an assistant at the Times spot the man for me? "Don't be silly," she said, when I demurred. "My assistant will set it up."

. . . It was clear that Reggie and I had just two things in common: We're black and we have bachelor's degrees.

* Fishbowl D.C. then dispenses white editor Betsy Rothstein to mock Andrews for pointing out the racist undertones of a white woman she barely knows declaring her a "perfect" fit with some guy, because they're both black. Rothstein concludes her mockery by pointing out that Andrews was once photographed next to a black dog. A commenter responds: "Maybe you guys should stick to wishing white folks happy birthday."

* Even Bill O'Reilly thinks drawing conclusions about sexual orientation based on former softball involvement is ridiculous:

[youtube:v=kSyOEnerVQc]

* Via Feministing: Newsweek on why Yeardley Love "couldn't have gotten a restraining order if she wanted to."

Photo via stevendepolo, Creative Commons License 2.0

* The Washington Post examines LAX's alcohol problem:

[Huguely's] lacrosse team has a strict alcohol policy. In 1999, Coach Dom Starsia adopted a rule that allowed players to drink only one night a week, usually Saturdays. A player who broke the rule a single time would be suspended indefinitely. A second offense would result in dismissal from the team.

"Alcohol and lacrosse have gone hand-in-hand since my days at Brown [University] in the 1970s," Starsia told The Washington Post at the time. "Whether it is post-game celebrations or just in general, there was something about the sport and alcohol, and Virginia was no different. I always thought alcohol was an issue here, and it is something we talked about before the season began."

* Also in the Post, Daniel de Vise asks if the tragedy could have been prevented had Huguely's former run-ins with police—including an arrest for threatening in which he threatened to kill a female police officer—been reported to the school:

Following the death of a student, apparently at the hands of another, University of Virginia President John T. Casteen III is asking the obvious questions: what did officials know of George Huguely's past behavior, what should they have known, and might they have somehow prevented the death of Yeardley Love?

Casteen said in a news conference Wednesday that school officials were unaware of Huguely's prior arrest for a drunken and aggressive encounter between the six-foot-two Huguely and a female officer almost a foot shorter in the college town of Lexington, Va. The struggle ended with Huguely Tasered and handcuffed.

In fact, university officials should have known, at least in theory. Huguely should have told them, under a school policy that requires students to report any encounters with police. Huguely evidently didn't follow that policy.

* Vise also suggests that Spodak's alcohol policy may have had unintended consequences:

Some of the measures U-Va. has taken to protect students could have unintended consequences, said Barry Spodak, a national authority on threat assessment. He zeroed in on the decade-old policy that forbids the male lacrosse team, of which Huguely was a member, from drinking more than once a week, with stiff penalties.

Could such a rule have the effect of pushing the drinking underground?

"When formulating rules and policies about student behavior, it's wise to keep in mind whether a proposed policy will inhibit students and staff from reporting worrisome behavior," he said.

* Meanwhile, Christine Brennan for USA Today comes right out and says that "the tragedy could have been prevented," had the UVA Women's Center's proposed anti-violence network been implemented earlier:

Two weeks ago, Claire Kaplan, director of Sexual and Domestic Violence Services at the University of Virginia Women's Center, organized a 2 1/2-hour session for a small group of the school's athletic department staff on a topic that has been vitally important to her for years: the creation of a support network to help student-athletes deal with gender-based violence.

* And Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell, who doesn't have the best track record with women's issues, said in a statement that he's committed to preventing tragedies like this in the future:

"We are reaching out today to President Casteen to arrange a personal meeting with the Governor. The Governor wants to study and fully consider every possible idea that could help prevent such a senseless crime from taking place in the future. He looks forward to hearing the President's insights and thoughts on the issue."

All we know about Love's death is that she was likely killed by someone close to her. So why are UVA police responding to the murder by warning students against crimes committed by strangers?

The e-mail, from University of Virginia Police Chief Mike Gibson:

While Charlottesville remains a relatively safe environment, crimes do occur in our community. The best defense is to be prepared and to take responsibility for your own safety and for that of your friends and fellow students. A few key reminders:

Trust your instincts about a person or situation. If you feel uncomfortable, immediately report your concerns to police by calling 911.

If you are on the Grounds and need help, pick up one of the blue-light telephones. You will be immediately connected to University Police. Be aware of your surroundings. Do not let a cell phone conversation or listening to music distract you when crossing the street or in any type of situation that calls for your full attention.

Avoid isolated areas and walking alone at night. Use SafeRide (434-242-1122), walk with friends, or take a late-night weekend bus.

Keep your doors and windows locked.

Never allow strangers to follow you into a locked building and gain entry by "tailgating" you once you swipe the card reader in a residence hall. Also, never prop open card-reader doors.

If you see any of the following, immediately call the police at 911: a prowler, someone peeping into a residence, an individual watching, photographing or filming an area, or any other suspicious behavior.

Work with your neighbors and fellow community members to ensure a safe environment.

UVA police have instructed students how to avoid and/or respond to the following: An attack on the grounds of the university. Getting hit by a car. A late-night street attack. An attack by an unknown intruder.  An attack through the window. An attack by a prowler. An attack by a peeping Tom. An attack by a suspicious filmmaker.

Police believe that Love was killed by a more likely suspect—a man she knew. In general, women, and particularly young women, are more likely to be killed by someone they know than by a stranger. So why hasn't UVA included any information here about domestic violence?

UVA student Madeleine Conger, campus e-mail tipster extraordinaire, forwarded me Gibson's e-mail. "I find it appalling . . . that no mention is made of how to tell if you are in an abusive relationship, how to avoid escalating aggressive confrontation, resources for people in abusive situations, or tips for friends of those who are," says Conger. "Not even the number of the amazing women's center we have here." She adds: "I just don't understand why we can't speak honestly about violence. . . . Locking your doors isn't going to keep your boyfriend from hitting you."

I have a call out to the University of Virginia Police Department asking about the nature of the tips. In the meantime, students can head to the UVA Women's Center, where they can find resources specific to sexual assault and domestic violence.

• 32 of the dead are female.
• 21 of the dead are male.

Last year, in other words, 40 percent of people who died in Maryland as a result of domestic violence were male. Right about now, men's rights activists are surely waiting in the wings, ready to pounce on this statistic as irrefutable evidence that men are victimized by domestic violence at nearly the same rate as women. The truth is much more complicated.

Let's look at the numbers on the female side first (courtesy of the MNADV's extensive research).

Of the 32 females who died as a result of domestic violence last year:

• 3 were children.
• 29 were adult women.

Of the 29 adult women:

• 28 were victims of domestic violence.
• The one remaining woman was a domestic violence aggressor who committed suicide. She is the sole occupier of the category of "females who killed themselves or were killed after committing murder/attempting to commit murder."

Of the 28 adult female victims:

• 10 were wives or ex-wives of the offender.
• 17 were girlfriends or ex-girlfriends of the offender.
• One was a domestic violence victim who committed suicide.

And on the male side of things:

Of the 21 males who died as a result of domestic violence last year:

• 2 were children.
• 19 were adult men.

Of the 19 adult men:

• 9 were victims.
• 10 were domestic violence aggressors who died as a result of their own domestic violence—"males who killed themselves or were killed after committing murder/attempting to commit murder."

Of the nine male victims:

• 2 were husbands or ex-husbands of the offender.
• 3 were boyfriends or ex-boyfriends of the offender.
• 3 were killed by their current partner's ex.
• 1 was killed by his ex's current partner.

Of the ten men who killed themselves or were killed after committing murder or attempting to commit murder:

• 1 man was killed by the police.
• 3 were killed by their partners in self-defense.
• 6 committed suicide.

Of the 53 total dead:

• 27 were killed by gun or rifle.
• 12 were killed by knife.
• 5 were killed by strangulation.
• 4 were killed by vehicle.
• 2 were killed by "physical force/hands."
• 2 were killed by burning
• 1 cause of death was unknown.

Domestic violence kills in many ways. When it comes to male deaths by domestic violence, men are more likely to be killed as a result of attempting to murder their own partners than as a result of their partner's aggression. Men who are victims of domestic violence are almost as likely to be killed by a partner's ex than by their partners themselves. "Domestic violence is not as simple and straightforward as people think," says Michele Cohen, MNADV's Executive Director. "The work that we do attempts to capture the full picture of all the individuals who die as a result of domestic violence—both victims and offenders."

Tonight, the MNADV will hold its 22nd Annual Memorial Service for all the "women, men, and children" who died over the past year from domestic violence. Find more information about the Annapolis, Md. service here [PDF].

Sweden, a nation that has managed to avoid war for over 200 years, has nevertheless been quick to condone overseas agression in one recent conflict: Stockholm-born Elin Nordegren's reportedly golf-club assisted assault on her philandering husband, Tiger Woods. Today on the Daily Beast, Katarina Andersson noted how some prominent Swedish media types have reacted to the Nordegren-Woods affair. Namely, "Swing it again, Elin!":

Swing it again, Elin!” wrote Jan Helin, editor in chief of Aftonbladet, the country's biggest newspaper, on his personal blog. One of the paper's top reporters, Ann Söderlund, proclaimed, “Thank God for girls like Elin. Next time, I hope she uses a bigger club."

Britta Svensson, a well-known columnist at the tabloid Expressen and a former U.S.-based correspondent, commented, “Our Swedish hearts are overwhelmed with pride, because our very own Elin didn’t take any s—. Just like a tough Swedish girl shouldn't. Elin is our heroine.”

The American media, too, has been quick to excuse Nordegren's alleged assault on Woods, which left him lying bewildered in the middle of the road, next to a busted car, with scratches on his face and possibly a broken tooth. Stateside, Tiger's cheating has been deemed far more scandalous that Nordegren's physical assault—commenters have labored to paint Nordegren as the victim to Woods' web of affairs, but have hesitated to recognize Woods as a victim of domestic violence. Still, I've yet to hear from anyone actually endorsing Nordegren's outburst as an act of girl-power. Until now. Writes Andersson:

The culture of child-rearing in Sweden makes sure that girls have a strong sense of self. "Swedish women like Elin are brought up to be independent and strong,” explains Karin Magnusson, the op-ed editor for Aftonbladet, "and you can only stand for just so much humiliation. We're excited about this. We're hoping Elin will file for divorce and show Tiger—and the world—what Swedish women stand for."

If Swedish cultural commentators want the world to know that Swedish women stand for divorcing cheaters, I think that's fine—if a bit odd. If they want the world to know that Swedish women stand for beating the cheaters and then divorcing them, I think that's a fucked up standard to set for an entire country of girls and boys. Plenty of Swedish girls will grow up to be cheaters, too—do we want their future spouses to grow up thinking it's empowering to physically assault them for screwing around?

Perhaps I'm working against a bit of a cultural "girl power" divide here, but I'm afraid that Nordegen's domestic violence role-reversal has gotten some feminist signals crossed. I don't know too much about the culture of Swedish child-rearing, but I do know some girl power universals: Girl power is about having a strong sense of self, standing up for yourself, and not taking peoples's shit. Sometimes, girl power is about being empowered physically—for purposes of self-esteem and self-defense. It's not about beating the shit out of people! And it's certainly not about encouraging domestic abusers to keep up the good work. I know that male abusers have been beating the shit out of their spouses for a long time now, but domestic violence is one male-dominated field where inviting more female participation does not help promote gender equality.

Image via Wikipedia Commons

MTV reality sensation Jersey Shore (the Real Word, but with guidos), is only two episodes in, but it's already infamous for a moment that hasn't yet aired. Next week, Snookie, one of the show's self-described "guidettes," will get punched in the face by a man in a bar. Judging by the show's trailer, Jersey Shore is positively built upon its cast members getting into drunken bar fights. So why do we only care about one woman's hit to the face?

The punch, which MTV previewed in a trailer for the upcoming season, has inspired both excitement and disdain from commentators. One Web site delighted over an image of Snookie getting punched over and over again, calling it "the most gratifying animated gif you will ever see"; Jezebel, which framed Snookie's punch as an incident of violence against women, called the "the clip and commentary chilling."

This week, MTV responded to the concern. According to NY Daily News, next week's Snookie-punching episode will be a Very Special Episode of Jersey Shore:

MTV will air a public service announcement after next week's episode of the controversial series "Jersey Shore" because it includes an incident of violence against a woman.

. . . The PSA, set to air following the Dec. 17 episode, reads: "Violence against women in any form is a crime. If you or someone you know is being abused by a boyfriend, family member or total stranger, please call 911 or log on to www.loveisrespect.org for information and help. You can also call The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474 for immediate support."

Violence against women is a crime. Then again, violence against anyone is a crime. And in the two-minute preview for Jersey Shore, we see a lot of violence against everybody:

Ronnie forcefully pushing Sammy on the boardwalk:

A woman grabbing a man's neck to force his face into her breasts:

Several brawls:

JWow throwing punches at Mike:

And of course, Snookie getting punched:

The violence on Jersey Shore started early. In the first episode, Pauly punches a stranger in the face in a bar, citing the fact that the stranger had been "looking at him." Later, Pauly gleefully tells the camera that he knows the exact amount of pressure it takes to break a nose. So why do we only care about Snookie getting punched? I have a few theories:

a) Snookie is one of the most obnoxious television characters ever. No character is particularly charming on this show, but Snookie is the worst. In the two hours I have observed Snookie, she has a) passed out within hours of arriving at the Real World house; b) complained about not being the center of attention while MTV cameras were filming her for a reality show about her life; c) vomited in the sink instead of showing up to her first day of work; and d) threatened to go home after two days because she thought everyone was talking about her behind her back.

Viewers hate Snookie enough to get excited about seeing her hit in the face. They only dislike the other characters enough to not give a shit one way or another when they get pounded.

b) Snookie is more annoying because she is a woman. Let's face it: There are plenty of gender-neutral things to hate about Snookie. Still, some viewers hate Snookie more because she's a guidette. Check out this helpful comment:

Well chicks want equal everything, so here ya go Snookie. Equal being what it is when guys talk a bunch of shit they have to back it up or get knocked the fuck out.

Welcome to being equal Snookie. I'm guessing I won't see you lined up to collect any combat pay anytime soon.

Snookie does a lot of things in the first two episodes—she twirls her hair despondently, gets naked in the hot tub, becomes confused at a telephone in the shape of a duck, calls her dad, and misses her first day of work. What she doesn't do is go off on some sort of feminist tirade about women being equal to men. Positioning Snookie as a women's libber who got what she deserved is completely off-point. It's also pretty sexist.

c) Punching a woman in the face is more taboo than punching a man. Did you see how many people got victimized by violence in that trailer? Like every character, practically! So why does only Snookie get the PSA treatment? A couple of the incidents showcased in the trailer could be seen as legitimate examples of domestic abuse (Ronnie pushing Sammy; JWow going after Mike). After all, these people do live together and have relationships with one another.

Snookie getting punched, on the other hand, is not a particularly gendered form of violence. The guy in the bar wasn't her boyfriend or family member who trades off between affection and abuse. Furthermore, Snookie's punch in the face was an entirely public act—domestic violence against women is so problematic because it is hushed up, excused, covered with a coat of foundation and a tale of "falling down the stairs." Snookie was punched in the face by a drunk guy in a bar, a type of violence which is far more likely to target a guido than a guidette.

Was it right to punch Snookie in the face? Of course not. Was it a necessary side-effect of women's liberation? Hell no. But as long as we're talking equality, how about we start giving a shit about women punching women, men punching men, and women punching men, too?

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of blaming girls for getting unexpected boners rubbed on their butts?

This week: How to get laid without anyone knowing you got laid; sympathy for Rihanna is running out; butt boners!

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Georgetown Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey is officially the only person willing to admit that she appreciates the work of Chris Surette, the infamous Fairfield Mirror sex columnist who conceives of casual sex in these terms: "Not only is it a story for you and your boys, but others will soon realize what happened when they see your victim walking back to the dorms in her dress from last night, with a disgraceful look on her face as if she was robbed of her dignity."

Well, those words were such an influence on Leahey that they inspired her new column: "How to Survive the Dreaded Walk of Shame." (A servicey take on the matter!) "I’m sure [Surette] received countless emails ripping him apart for his chauvinistic comments," writes Leahey. "But the article was also a hoot because it is true."

Life Lesson: Remember: It's not the sex that's  shameful, it's people knowing that you had the sex. "If you truly desire to avoid the walk of shame, make him come home with you," writes Leahey. "Hooking up on your turf, rather than his, is optimal. You can avoid his teasing and snickering friends the next morning. You know your sheets have been cleaned in the past week; Lord knows the last time he threw his into the washing machine. And (sound the trumpet here), you avoid the walk of shame."

Progressive Meter: Hey, at least it's okay to hook up. But it's not a college dating column without some traditional gender roles thrown in for good measure. Boys are dirty! Four.

—

HOWARD UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: The Howard University Hilltop doesn't publish a regular sex column, but its editorial staff regularly weighs in on "issues." This time around: "Yeah, He Was Wrong-–-But is Rihanna Trying to Play Us?," in which the Hilltop staff declares that Rihanna's recent 20/20 interview was "calculated and inauthentic." "Maybe it would have been different if she had used the situation and the publicity it received to do what she claimed she was doing with her '20/20' interview all along," they write—"before her album was set for release."

Life Lesson: Keep your private and professional lives separate, so that your history with domestic abuse is never misconstrued as an attempt to gain popularity points.

Progressive Meter: The story's lone commenter dismisses the opinion as "another femi-nazi editorial." Hmm. Really?

I, too, have expressed discomfort with the idea that Rihanna's "recovery" from her abusive relationship must arrive right on schedule—just as her new album drops. But I'm more interested in the public pressure that has required Rihanna's life as a pop star life and abuse victim to be perfectly in sync.

Rihanna's public image has been appropriated by so many fans, feminist commentators, and music executives since Chris Brown beat her up last February, I feel it's short-sighted to pin this awkward timing on Rihanna's own misstep. Instead, let's focus on the music industry's insistence upon exploiting her history of domestic violence to amp up her stardom—and the media's insistence upon exploiting Rihanna's stardom in order to discuss domestic violence. True feminazis know this is all about the structure. Good discussion, though! Seven.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

Sex Tips: Esti Frischling of the UMD Diamondback advises girls how to avoid getting unexpectedly rubbed by a man's genitals in College Park bar The Thirsty Turtle. This is what "The Turtle" feels like for a girl: "At real-people bars, it’s not socially acceptable to just go up to strange girls and start humping them from behind. At the Turtle there seems to be an unwritten rule that makes uninvited dry sex the new 'can I buy you a drink?' You don’t even get to see the guy’s face, but he gets to feel you up in public, and you get to feel his boner."

Life Lesson: "Boner-to-butt" is an emergency indeed, and should be treated as such. "Your friends can also be a valuable asset in the repelling process. You guys should each agree beforehand to be in charge of rescuing the others in the event of a boner-to-butt emergency." But in the end, it's your fault for whoring it up at the Thirsty Turtle. "You and your friends can also act as a team by collectively dressing less like sluts. If you guys are the only girls in the Turtle who aren’t wearing hankies as shirts and belts as skirts, you’re likely to get a lot less unwanted attention."

Progressive Meter: I love that Frischling is tackling the modern problem of butt boners! I don't love the assumption that butt boners are only a problem for the sluttiest of hos, however—or that the problem should be solved by girls buttoning up. Three.

Photo by Claire L. Evans, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Do you wish that Rihanna and Chris Brown would put aside their differences and resume their abusive relationship already? No? Then you'll hate WPGC's newest concert promotion!

WPGC 99.5, a D.C. hip-hop and R&B station, is currently airing a concert promotion that uses the theme of "bringing Chris and Rihanna back together" in order to get people to listen to the radio.

In truth, the concert is offering up tickets to see Chris Brown in D.C. and Rihanna in London, so WPGC is only bringing Chris Brown and Rihanna within 3600 miles miles of each other, but look! They creepily Photoshopped a picture of them together, so it's almost like the real thing. "95.5 is brining Rihanna and Chris Brown together again... sort of!!" the promotion announces. "win tickets to see Chris Brown in DC and qualify to see Rihanna in concert in London! Everytime you win Chris Brown tickets you qualify!"

And just in case you didn't get that it was a joke about how Chris Brown beat up Rihanna and wouldn't it be great if that was still happening: "Bringing Chris and Rihanna back together—-within legal restraining order limitations of course—-From 955 PGC!!"

I understand that the only thing that might make someone excited to win Chris Brown tickets anymore is the possibility of also winning Rihanna tickets. And hey, I would love to win a couple of free tickets to see Rihanna in London! But this promotion is so offensive, I'm not sure I could really muster the strength to pick up the phone to be the 9th caller here. Who is the target audience for this? People who truly want to watch Chris Brown in concert, travel a few thousand miles to watch Rihanna in concert, and in the meantime think about how awesome it would be if those lovebirds could make it work? Or people who think domestic violence is so totally hilarious, this strange virtual double-billing is worth the joke? Who knows: Maybe Chris Brown's team just wanted people to know that he was back on tour again, since it's not like he can make much news on his own without invoking the shining stardom of the girlfriend he beat up nine times.

Sure, the hallway of domestic violence courtrooms at D.C. Superior Court sounds like a great place to pick up women. They're bored. They're probably on the rebound. And their ex-boyfriend is court-ordered to stay far, far away from your sweet moves. But somehow, the men I've witnessed hitting on chicks in Superior have not had much luck leering and hollering inside the courthouse.

Maybe it's because the woman who lands in domestic violence court is too busy reliving her own personal nightmare to think about starting a new one with you. Maybe it's because she's got a pretty finely-tuned bullshit meter at the moment. Maybe it's because she's kind of busy, and you're kind of a jerk. But for whatever reason, she's not biting at your pick-up lines. That doesn't stop you from trying.

The guy attempting to exploit the depressed, in the sign-up line for Petitioners and Respondents: "Baby, I've got a shoulder to cry on. Hello?"

The guy attempting to exploit the child-support set, outside the bathroom: "Hey I wanna give you my phone number take you out to lunch and out to dinner and then to the mall. Shopping spree. Credit card."

The guy attempting to exploit the high-heeled, leering over the elevator: "Sexy."

And finally, the guy attempting to exploit his own misfortune, right outside the courtroom: "Hey, are you a lawyer?"

Final tally: Women with legal trouble, 4; court-themed pick-up lines, zero. Okay, so there are no good pick-up lines to use in court. Lingering for her right outside the courthouse is also bad form.

But gentlemen, if you must mack, please: Confine your scene to the basement cafeteria. It's well-lit down there, it's a little bit more relaxed (they sell muffins), and you won't directly skeeze a woman out with your own personal problems immediately before it's her turn to tell the judge about hers.

Photo by bloomsberries

In Erik P. Christian's courtroom today, the boilerplate plot is reversed for two men. Reginald and Brian both want to make sure that their ex-girlfriends stay 100 feet away from them at all times. The women, however, are no-shows for the courtroom drama. That's another thing they don't tell you on Law & Order: The hardest battle is getting the defendant to show up.

Reginald filed a civil protection order against the mother of his child after she tried to interfere with his new relationship, he says. "Two weeks ago, she showed up at my work, showed up with some girls and tried to attack my girlfriend," Reginald tells the court. Today, however, Reginald's perennial harasser is conspicuously absent from his life. The court informs Reginald that Prince George's County police failed to locate her to serve the court papers. Reginald will have to come back in two weeks. If he wants to force her to stay away from him, he'll have to find her first.

Brian, too, wants the mother of his child to stay away from him. He filed a protection order against her on July 14, and was hoping to secure his year-long protection in court today. The police tried to serve the woman the protection order three times. July 17: No answer. July 22: No answer. July 23: No answer. Now, it's July 29, and she's a no-show as well. Brian will also have to wait another two weeks while police try to get her to answer the door.

Meanwhile, shared interests may eventually bring the two together. "The last time I saw her was a week and a half ago, in the Upper Marlboro Court System," says Brian. "I was going in to pick up court papers. She was going in to pick up court papers. We just happened to both be there."

Even after the woman was out of the picture, and Brown began patching things up with his own girlfriend, Brown and Young kept on fighting. Both men have been in and out of Erik P. Christian's courtroom for the past year on various assault charges and protection orders in relation to the mess. Once, Young rode past Brown's house and threatened him with a gun. It ended up being a fake—a cap gun Young borrowed from his son—but Brown didn't know that at the time. Today, Young is in court for another schoolyard-appropriate threat: taunting Brown about prison rape.

A couple of months ago, the two men had a chance meeting in Anacostia Park. Brown was practicing some football drills with a teammate when Young drove up to pick up some items from his mother-in-law. "He pulled up in the parking lot behind my red Mustang," Brown tells the court. "I continued to do my drills. He got back in his truck. He looked like he was wanting to fight. He was bouncing around and stretching. . . . I didn't know what he was going to do. We had had an incident with a gun before, and I didn't know if he was going to start shooting, or what."

Then he rolled the windows down." says Brown. "He said, 'Don't drop the soap!'" Brown recalls. "Don't drop the soap!"

Brown "dropping the soap"—in prison slang, the precursor to being sexually assaulted in the shower—would mean a bit of personal revenge for Young. Brown had recently been found guilty of assaulting Young, and he was awaiting sentencing. "He thought I was going to jail, so I guess he was taunting me about that," says Brown. "Then he drove off real slow."

The prison rape taunt backfired. Though Brown had most recently been convicted, both men had been ordered to stay away from each other—no contact, no fights, and no taunting. By ridiculing Brown about prison life, Young was risking more jail time, too.

In his defense, Young's attorney contended that his client never uttered the "drop the soap" comments in Anacostia Park. Brown, on the other hand, had been practicing more than football that day:  "He made cutting motions to his neck," Young's attorney said, an action which Young "completely ignored."

When it came time for Young to testify about the park meet-up, he broke in to tears. "I acknowledge my mistake that day, on the day of the incident," says Young. "The only reason I was down there was to pick up some items for my mother-in-law's daughter, who was sick," he said. "I do to want to have any contact with Mr. Melvin Brown. I just want to get a move on and get on with my life."

An officer has moved to stand behind Young. Judge Christian hands down his sentence: 180 days in prison, suspended, Young must serve 180 days in prison with one year with two years supervised probation. And he must stay away from Melvin Brown.

Young's lawyer thanks the judge, turns, and quickly walks out of the courtroom. Young surrenders his hat and papers. The officer applies latex gloves to his hands and leads Young into a back room.

So, the cutest viral wedding video of the moment—dare you not to cry!—is this wedding entrance dance staged to Chris Brown's "Forever." Goddamnit!

Full disclosure: I was a shameless "Forever" fan before Brown became super famous for assaulting another super famous person. I still love this track—it's a really great pop song. And fuck, because the unbearable cuteness of this wedding video only helps re-establish Brown as a swoon-worthy romantic authority instead of a guy who beats up his girlfriend.

I can see why some people might experience a little bit of cognitive dissonance watching the adorableness of the video while listening to the musical stylings of a domestic abuser. What I can't understand is why Jive Records would little get upset over this!

Apparently, the record label has taken issue with the use of the song in the widely-circulated video. They should be sending newlyweds Jill and Kevin an autographed Chris Brown headshot; as MTV blogger Tamar Anitai points out, this little piece of publicity is "the most redeeming thing Chris Brown has done in months, albeit indirectly."

Eckington and surrounding neighborhoods are all atwitter over "The Dog Ate My Domestic Violence Shelter," a collection of the neighborhood's common arguments against domestic violence shelters (photo unrelated). Ready for even more arguments against domestic violence shelters? The Sexist comments of the week are after the jump:

EckingtonRes, who probably isn't aware that I live in Eckington, says:

Amanda – I don’t think that you have much perspective of the situation in Eckington. For the last few years there has been an significant decrease in ultra-violent crime on a daily basis, only to be reduced to the occasional murder, shooting or ADW. Residents are finally allowing themselves to breathe – those of us that bought houses recently are no longer questioning the purchase, crime is down and things are looking up. However adding homeless shelters, liquor stores, the DASH project etc have become too much for one neighborhood. We are already host to the Emry men’s shelter, and the St. Martin’s transitional home. From what I understand there are even more subsidized, high risk, transitional housing projects packed into Eckington. What your readers also should know is that Eckington is not large. Bordered by Florida Ave on the south, Rhode Island on the north, N. Capitol on the west and 4th St NE, the area is at most 20 sq blocks and home to its more than fair share of (insert negative urban keyword). We are simply trying to protect and save what is left, not allow deterioration of hard fought gains against blight and destructive forces in our neighborhood.

TruxtonCircleRes, who proposes a new acronym, says:

I think what people dont realize is the number of these social programs already in our neighborhood. It is not a case of NIMBY, but already IMBY. How about yours?? It’s not that we are against them, but we feel they should be distributed through ALL the wards. On my block alone I have an apartment building for homeless women and SOME and most of my block is empty due to the old unused school.

The park that we would like converted to a dog park and not a parking lot has a lot to do with safety concerns. I dont even have a pet, but I know that a dog park would get people out in the neighborhood. I also think its silly that they would need a huge parking lost when there are a ton of bus lines on that block.

jules, who isn't getting in on the fun, says:

This makes me really sad :( I’m a social worker and I know how much some women depend on DASH to get on their feet after leaving an abuser. Most of the women I know who are living there have jobs, and are hard working, responsible people. They are sweet, lovely, and brave. They are good neighbors.

What these NIMBYs don’t understand is that DASH is incredibly selective with the women they allow to move into their housing: they must have goal plans, be looking for work or working, be drug free, etc etc… DASH creates really beautiful spaces for these women, and has places all over the city.

Honestly, there are probably people living next door to DASH housing who aren’t even aware that it is a D.V. shelter.

Anyway, off my soapbox now…

Ward 5 residents ready to assume jules' soapbox can make their positions known here.

It’s always tricky to rail against a domestic violence shelter without coming off like an asshole.

So residents of Ward 5 have to watch out. Many really don’t want a proposed transitional housing project for women and children slated to open in the Eckington neighborhood next spring. The plan, as championed by the District Alliance for Safe Housing (DASH), foresees partially subsidized apartment-style digs to help victims of domestic violence transition back into community life. If NIMBYs hate anything, it’s transitions. Though concerns about drug abuse and crime prevention overwhelm the debate, most residents are afraid that affordable housing for transitional types will make their own properties more “affordable,” as well.

But they don’t have to say that!

Homeowners in this part of town have fine-tuned their anti-social-services arguments, thanks to the area’s affordable-, transitional-, halfway-, shelter-housing past. DASH’s new home is already host to a glut of specialty projects, many catering to women: the 19-unit “Open Arms” apartment building for homeless women plans to open this month; “Hyacinth Place,” a Trinidad housing project for women who suffer from substance abuse and mental illness, is currently in the works—and also hotly contested.

DASH is quick to point out that its forthcoming housing project does not require the community’s support to move forward—but that it hopes to foster a positive relationship between Eckington neighbors and tenants anyhow. DASH addressed the conspiracy theories in an FAQ about the project [PDF]. One frequently asked question: “Do DASH and Councilmember Thomas have a ‘back-door-deal’ to force this shelter on the community?” Short answer: No. But residents wouldn’t be able to stop it if they did.

What those residents can do, however, is come up with ever-more-inventive rationales for opposing programs for women. Herewith the best of the bunch:

WARD 5 RESIDENTS ALREADY MARTYRS TO TOO MANY CAUSES. In a recent post on Why I Hate DC, blogger Anne razzed the ward by characterizing the next-door Bloomingdale neighborhood as “nothing but gang-bangers, former hippies and indie kids who need a good shave,” who are liable to “get a cap in your ass when you’re walking 10 blocks home from the metro.” An offended resident took the missive as an opportunity to play up the neighborhood’s altruism on the Bloomingdale Listserv. “I think this could be fairly and realistically interpreted as one more voice stating this area of town has more than its share of pathological life-support services. Maybe Friendship Heights would like to sign up to host the next drug rehab-clinic or homeless-shelter or battered women’s support facility?” The resident then mediated the response with the admission that opposing “battered women” is an unpopular position: “See you in hell (sigh).”

WARD 5 NOT MARYLAND’S BITCH. Community backlash to the Hyacinth’s Place proposal cites a drain on police resources, an already healthy drug problem in the area—and external pressures. “We will not be dumped on and burdened with a project that individuals who reside in Maryland are promoting here,” Ward 5 resident Kathy Henderson wrote for the opposition, on the Bloomingdale neighborhood Listserv. Ward 5 residents, Henderson wrote, are tired of “serving as a repository for undesirable projects that no one wants, except persons that reside
in Maryland.”

HOMELESS WOMEN’S SHELTER OR SEX CLUB? Henderson then rallied the troops by drawing parallels between shutting down the homeless housing and the great Ward 5 gay club blockage of 2007. “First, we battled the threat of sex clubs operating in our midst, now this,” Henderson wrote. “We have come too far as a community to allow this type of project to erode our public safety gains. The battle lines
are drawn!”

SLIPPERY SLOPE. The pushback against housing projects for women inevitably inspires a “slippery slope” argument. If we allow people to build houses, it won’t be long before people begin building other types of structures—unspeakable ones. Debbie Smith wrote the following to the Eckington Listserv, in response to DASH’s plans: “We also should remember that we all have said in numerous meetings that we did not want the South and West sides of Ward 5 to be dumping grounds again. Let’s think about where we want to go and how to get here together. Also, how are we as residents going to deal with the possibility of Gun Store’s locating in our community? I understand that there is an interest to move into our Ward 5. Do we want this?”

WOMEN ATTRACT TOO MANY MEN. When local real estate blog DCMud covered a recent addition to the ward’s affordable housing glut, a reader weighed in with a counterintuitive argument: Housing for women is bad because it draws more men to the area. “I live near this crap shoot,” the neighbor wrote. “I honestly believe this is going to lower my property values. We just succeeded in getting rid of boarding home on the corner of our block. It was a place meant for pregnant teens, but it attracted boys/men from all over the hood and all kinds of illegal activity.”

THINK OF THE CHILDREN. DASH detractors are quick to point to the danger that a housing project meant to protect women and children could pose to…other children. The project is located close to McKinley Technology High School—and right across the street from a schoolbus stop. “As long as we’re so unconcerned about the environment DC schoolchildren have to wade through every day, why not go all the way?” wrote one commenter on the Eckington Listserv. “There’s got to be someone out there who’d like to legalize slots and prostitution—maybe we can open THOSE adjacent to some Ward 5 schools too!”

PROTECTING WOMEN A SUSPICIOUSLY POSITIVE CAUSE. Not all vocal Ward 5 members oppose DASH’s housing project. “[I]t is an honor to support any effort to combat domestic violence,” Eckington resident Joel Dubenitz wrote in to the neighborhood Listserv. “I don’t see how anyone could be against providing shelter to women who may be severely injured or killed in a violent relationship.” What is this guy trying to prove, anyway?

TELLIN’ IT LIKE IT IS. Eckington resident Steve Rynecki, at least, offered a refreshingly transparent excuse for refusing to support housing projects. “My question is why does housing need to be affordable exactly?” he wrote on the Listserv. “Why should taxpayers pay for section 8 vouchers? Honestly, I can’t live just any old place I want to. I have to live here in Eckington and make the best of it, since this is what I could afford.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Rarely am I moved by a feat of advertising, but this Amnesty International anti-domestic violence ad managed to resonate with me. The bus poster is equipped with a camera which uses some sort of futuristic technology to know when it's attracted your eye. The gadget aficionados over at Gizmodo are moved as well, in their own way:

Amnesty International has installed a new anti-domestic-abuse ad fixture in Hamburg, Germany which is equal parts clever and shocking: when you look at the photo, it's a smiling couple; when you look away, it's a dude punchin' a lady.

The high-tech ad, which is unlikely to make it to a bus stop near you, succeeds on an "ooh, shiny" tech geek level. But the new technology helps Amnesty's Ad register a more basic achievement: conveying a simple truth about domestic violence cases in a moment's glance.

Hollaback D.C., which has chronicled countless incidents of harassment on D.C. public transportation, appreciates Amnesty's effort as well —but rightfully wonders if the ad campaign would help anything if installed on the D.C. streets. The short answer is: Probably not. But it's nice to know that intelligent copywriters and cutting-edge technology are being put to use for more than just selling candy bars—and that the problem of domestic violence is worthy of attention from brilliant minds.

In Wurtzel's latest essay, "Failure to Launch: When Beauty Fades" (published in this month's Elle), Elizabeth Wurtzel is depressed again. This time, because she is "old" (41)—and also, maybe, secretly, because she's spent the greater part of those years getting shit thrown at her face by epic douchebags. While aging has brought Wurtzel fame, book deals, and a J.D. from Columbia, it has also stolen the precious glint of youth from her eyes, and left her pining for her Original Epic Douche—the beautiful peppermint-flavored-foot-massaging, bottle-chucking graduate student douchebag GREGG. The essay is, in typical Wurtzel fashion, funny, sad, honest, and problematic.

AMANDA: hello!

SADY: hello lady. your beautiful dream of talking to me while i'm all hopped up on the cough syrup is about to come true. and also we get to talk about how wacky elizabeth wurtzel (still) is! is she not wacky?

AMANDA: she is, Sady. I was introduced to her wackiness at a tender young age, when my mother bought me Prozac Nation. I was maybe 13, so I loved it.

SADY: yes. I recall reading Bitch in junior high. and hiding it from my mom, due to its provocative cover!

AMANDA: looks like she hasn't "aged well," though! ha ha ... hmmm.

SADY: well... she still has mermaid hair! actually, this article is weird, because it is like, "i am old and ugly now. i should have settled down. however, i am neither old nor ugly, and still have lots of dates and sex." so, when you're reading it, it's like... "sad! umm... happy! umm... happysad?"

AMANDA: but those dates want her for what she used to be (young and not ugly), which leads me to believe, you know, it may be a personal problem. but i think she admits that throughout.

SADY: yeah. i think she still misses gregg. can we talk about how gross gregg, the perfect boyfriend, sounds? is that cruel? "sensitive, an inveterate graduate student who used to rub my feet at the end of the day with a lovely pink peppermint lotion from the Body Shop."

AMANDA: yeah, who was surprised when he threw a bottle at her face?

SADY: that was a shocking twist! he also pronounced that he was "her only chance at happiness," and that she would now fail at life, due to not dating GREGG. GREGG is a witch! He laid a curse on her!

AMANDA: i found that part really interesting. a few of the commenters were chastising her for "bragging" about her looks, but i thought she made an interesting point about societal expectations for young women ... i definitely identified with that, not with the "beautiful" part, but with the "smart young woman" part. not that i'm old and ugly or anything, but it was always like "you're so smart, why are you [with him]?" or you're so smart, why [aren't you happy]?" stuff like that. and in her case, it turned out to be, you're so smart and beautiful, why aren't you with someone like GREGG who doesn't fucking understand you at all and who does not make you happy? (and throws bottles). (like all your other boyfriends).

SADY: yeah, seriously. i mean, i get that she felt like the world was offered to her – and it was! she was elizabeth wurtzel! – and it still didn't make her happy, and that would be enough to send anyone into a tailspin. i can identify with that. but also: tying it to your looks seems to gloss over sooooo many of the other problems. like, there's this undercurrent of abusive bottle-throwing (or lamp-throwing, or frying-pan-chasing-with) relationships that i think it would be worthwhile to get into. yet she seems to blame herself for MAKING the dudes be all abusive, like so: "Now that I am a woman whom some man might actually like to be with, might actually not want to punch in the face—or, at least, now that I don’t like guys who want to do that to me—I am sadly 41." Ummmm... maybe they did that because they were jerks? Also: maybe it's good that you DIDN'T STAY WITH ANY OF THEM? Due to the jerk thing?

AMANDA: yeah man. i'm not sure she takes away the same lesson from GREGG—beautiful, perfect, peppermint foot-rubbing, complete jerk—that we might, either. Surely, she can't be serious that she ACTUALLY THINKS her one chance of happiness was with GREGG?

SADY: Right? I mean, she's all like, "if only I had stayed with GREGG – a dude i was so unhappy with that I cheated on him, multiple times, and also he broke into my computer, and also he threw a bottle at my face – I would be happy." Um, probably not. Probably you'd be begging him to throw away his damn hemp necklaces. And then banging the mailman. Interesting fact: Elizabeth Wurtzel passed the BAR EXAM! She became a LAWYER, for a LAW FIRM! I find it interesting that this whole "I wasted my life" thing does not take into account the fact that she has had two separate careers that require a pretty tremendous amount of work and intelligence to pursue. Apparently, if you're not with GREGG or a GREGG analogue, it's all for nothing.

AMANDA: points for honesty i guess

SADY: yeah, and wurtzel always gets those points. i just think it's weird that we have this narrative for women – and you see these pieces ALL THE TIME, it's not just her – that are like, "i once thought i could date around and not settle down and pursue my career, but now I know I should have SETTLED. For I am SAD, SAD, SAD."

AMANDA: yeah, but based on her earlier work, i mean, she's been sad throughout. the essay is just a sequel: "Sad at 40." that's not to belittle it — i like her work — but given what we know, i can't say that 40 has much to do with it.

SADY: exactly. i like a lot of what wurtzel has done, too. yet: it doesn't make sense to position oneself as a cautionary tale about regret and wasted youth, if your youth was also spent feeling sad. i guess it's just the positioning of this piece – as a one-more-lady-regrets-not-settling thing – that i have a problem with. that and the "i've finally learned how to make dudes not punch me in the face, because before it was my fault that they did that" thing.

The GLLU, MPD’s Gay and Lesbian Liason Unit, serves the District’s Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, and Transgender communities. Last week in police activity related to the GLBT community—including a juvie assault in a fast food restaurant—below.

TWEETING TOM. Thursday, April 9. 11:30 p.m. "Members of the Second District responded to a complaint of a suspicious person in the 3000 block of M Street, N.W. According to the callers, they observed a black male taking photographs of strangers with his cell phone. The male was located and identified."

UNHAPPY MEAL. Saturday, April 11. 11:50 p.m. "Members of the Second District responded to the area of the 1600 block of 17th Street, N.W. for the report of an assault. Upon arrival, officers located the adult male victim suffering from minor injuries to his head. According to the victim, he was inside a nearby fast food restaurant, when he became involved in a verbal altercation with an adult female and her small child. At some point, the adult female directed her child to strike the victim with a bottle. The child broke the bottle and struck the victim in the head, causing the injuries. According to the victim, the altercation began when the victim heard the child yelling racist and homophobic slurs and confronted the child. The suspects are described as a black female, heavy set, approximately 50 years old, with red or orange hair and a black male, approximately 7-9 years old, slim and about 5'5" tall."

GANG BANG. Saturday, April 18. 7:30 p.m. "Members of the First District responded to the area of 7th Street and Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W. for the report of an assault. Upon arriving on the scene, officers located the victim, an adult male, suffering from minor injuries to his face, neck and wrist. According to the victim, he was attacked by his boyfriend and a group of males accompanying his boyfriend. The victim was treated and released at a local hospital and was provided a safe shelter until the suspect can be apprehended."

PIN-UP PIN. Sunday, April 19. 3:30 a.m. "Members of the Sixth District responded to a residence in the 4500 block of Douglas Street NE for a family dispute. Upon arrival, officers interviewed the mother and daughter engaged in the dispute. It was learned the daughter, who is 17 years old, was displaying photographs on her bedroom wall, which were unwanted by her mother. The daughter refused to remove the photographs. The dispute was resolved and the family was referred to local organizations for further support and assistance."

THIS ONE IS JUST :( Sunday, April 19. 4:30 a.m. the on-call member of the GLLU was paged by an employee of a business in the area of Logan Circle. According to the employee, while cleaning the business, be discovered a hypodermic needle. While attempting to dispose of the needle, he accidentally stuck himself with the needle. The victim was advised to respond to a local hospital emergency room immediately, for the purpose of evaluation and treatment of any potential communicable diseases. Furthermore, the victim was advised to bring the needle to the hospital, so it could be analyzed and disposed of according to the health and occupation standards.

GIRLS ON GIRLS VIOLENCE. Monday, April 20, 2009. 3:30 a.m., members of the First District responded to a call for an assault in the area of 8th and G Streets, S.E. Upon arrival, officers located the three adult female victims. All three were suffering from the effects of pepper spray and had to be treated by D.C. Fire/EMS on the scene. According to the victims, they were leaving a nearby club, when they noticed a white SUV occupied by two black females. One of the vehicle's occupants began to yell homophobic epithets towards the victims. The SUV circled the block and returned. The passenger of the SUV exited the vehicle and deployed pepper spray, striking all three victims. The suspects fled in the vehicle.

HAPPY ENDING. Monday, April 20, 2009. 3:30 p.m. members of the Third District responded to a residence in the area of 5th Street and Florida Avenue, N.W. for the report of a theft. Upon arrival, the officers were advised by the adult male victim he had met the suspect on an adult oriented internet site and invited the suspect to his home for the purpose of engaging in consensual sexual activity. After the departure of the suspect, the victim realized personal property was missing from inside his residence and suspected it had been stolen by the suspect. Officers were able to contact the suspect, who returned the property to the victim.

GET NAKED GUN. Monday, April 20. 4 a.m., members of the First District were flagged down by a male-to-female Transgender individual in the area of the Bus Terminal located near 1st and K Streets, N.E. According to the victim, she was walking in the area, when she was approached by a vehicle occupied by multiple males. At some point, one of the males pointed a firearm at the victim and sped off. Officers were able to stop the vehicle within blocks of the location and conducted a full search of the vehicle and its occupants. No weapon was recovered.

LAME. Saturday, April 25, 2009. 1 a.m. "Members of the First District were dispatched to an apartment in the 1300 block of Delaware Avenue, S.E. for the report of loud music. Once on the scene, the resident was advised to turn the music down, so as to not disturb his neighbors."

GETTING SOME "NO ACTION." Saturday, April 25. 3:30 a.m. "Members of the First District were dispatched to the area of the Bus Station, located at 1st and K Streets, N.E. for the complaint of prostitution. Upon arrival, officers observed several members of the Transgender community walking around the area of the bus stop. No action was taken."

Photo by ebruli

It's feast or famine over at the Gay Crime Log. The Sexist isn't sure what she did to anger the Gay Crime Gods, but for the past two weeks, her D.C. police crime report e-mails have been barren. Today, her inbox was blessed with a mammoth three weeks of anti-trans hate crimes, costly club hook-ups, and anti-Fred Phelps action.

DOUBLE MOTIVE. "On Sunday, March 15, 2009, at approximately 2 a.m., two adult male victims reported they were robbed at gunpoint by three suspects. During the robbery, one of the suspects referred to one of the victims using a homophobic epithet. The victims received minor injuries. The suspects were described as black males, in their early 20’s. Two of the suspects wore their hair in plaits."

YOU HAVE TO GO HOME, AND YOU CAN'T STAY HERE. "On Tuesday, March 17, 2009 at approximately 5 p.m., members of the Second District were dispatched to the area of Dupont Circle for a possible assault. Upon arrival, officers located an elderly male at the nearby bus stop. He was disoriented and possibly intoxicated. He was accompanied by another male, who advised he was attempting to get his friend home from the local bar. The two began to argue. The elderly male was transported home."

JAIL CELL PHONE. "On Wednesday, March 18, 2009, at approximately 11 p.m., members of the Fourth District were dispatched to the 7700 block of Georgia Avenue, N.W. for the call of an assault. Upon arrival, officers located the victim, a male-to-female Transgender individual, suffering minor injuries to her face and lip. According to the victim, she was in an argument with her former boyfriend, when he punched her a stole her cell phone."

THE COUPLE DETAINED TOGETHER ... "On Saturday, March 21, 2009 at approximately 10:30 p.m., members of the GLLU and Deaf and Hard of Hearing Unit (DHHU) responded to Gallaudet University for the report of a domestic assault. Investigation was unable to determine which individual was the initiator and/or aggressor and both males were arrested. Both received minor injuries."

HEAD CASE. On Sunday, March 22, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to Howard University Hospital for the report of a victim of a domestic assault. Upon arrival, offices located the adult male victim, who was suffering from a serious laceration to his head and possible concussion. According to the victim, he was assaulted by his boyfriend inside their shared residence near 4th and V Street, N.W.

CLUB CLUSTERFUCK. "On Sunday, March 22, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the First District were monitoring the closing of a club in the 1100 block of 8th Street, S.E., when they observed a large fight outside the club. Three adult males were arrested and all were treated for minor injuries."

IDLE THREAT. "On Tuesday, March 24, 2009, an attorney representing a local GLBT Rights organization contacted the GLLU to report possible hate/bias threats via the internet on an internet blog. A member of the GLLU and the Federal Bureau of Investigations responded to the organization and reviewed the postings with the attorney. It was determined no threats were made and the organization did not want to pursue any further action against the individual who posted the comments. Also at that meeting, the attorney made the GLLU aware of an employee at the organization being harassed via email by a known individual. Members of the GLLU will be investigating this complaint."

HOW ARE THREATS NOT "CRIMINAL ACTIVITY"? "On Thursday, March 26, 2009, at approximately 3 p.m., members of the Third District were dispatched to the Metro Station at 7th and S Streets, N.W. Upon arrival, the adult male caller advised officers he was threatened by several juveniles inside a nearby business and the caller believed he was going to be robbed. The caller also heard the juveniles using homophobic language outside the business. Although the juveniles were stopped and identified, it was determined no criminal activity occurred, so the incident was documented as a hate/bias related incident."

FUCKED AND ROBBED. "On Friday, March 27, 2009, at approximately 5:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to a residence in the 600 block of Irving Street for a report of an armed burglary. According to the victim, an adult male, he met the suspect at a business located in the 3500 block of Georgia Avenue, N.W. and agreed to allow the suspect to return to his home to engage is sexual activity. When the two arrived at the victim’s residence, a dispute arose over payment and the victim demanded the suspect depart. The suspect returned to the residence, kicked in the door, and while armed with a knife, robbed the victim of U.S. currency. The suspect fled the scene prior to officer’s arrival. The victim was not injured. The suspect is described as a black male in his 30’s wearing all black clothing."

M I.S.O T. "On Friday, March 27, 2009, at approximately 4:30 p.m., a female caller paged the on-call member of the GLLU to complain about officers harassing a member of the Transgender community. According to the caller, officers had visited the Transgender individual’s home, which is located in the 5200 block of 3rd Street, N.W. on four occasions, in the attempt to locate the Transgender individual. According to the caller, the Transgender individual no longer resides at that address. This information was passed along to the Warrant Squad, as they were attempting to locate the individual pursuant to an arrest warrant."

SEX-NEGATIVE "On Saturday, March 28, 2009, at approximately 3:30 a.m., an adult male contacted the GLLU to report his ex-boyfriend was advertising as a male prostitute in Baltimore, MD, but not disclosing he is HIV positive. The information was forwarded to the Baltimore City Police Department’s Gay and Lesbian Liaison Officer for their investigation and follow-up."

GETTING SPECIFIC. "On Sunday, March 29, 2009, at about 8 p.m., an adult male victim responded to the Third District to report he had been the victim of a sexual assault. According to the victim, he met the suspect, an adult male, inside a bar in the 1500 block of 17th Street, N.W. After engaging in conversation, the victim and suspect walked to the victim’s apartment, which is located in the Logan Circle neighborhood. Once at the victim’s apartment, the two men engaged in consensual sexual activity, up to the point the victim refused to engage in specific sexual acts. The suspect then forced the victim to engage in the unwanted sex act. The victim was examined at a local hospital, but did not have serious injuries. This case is being investigated by members of the Metropolitan Police Department’s Sexual Assault Unit."

DISAPPEARING GUN. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Sixth District responded to the call for a man with a gun in the area of 900 Division Ave, NE. Upon arriving on the scene, officers located the 9-1-1 caller, a male-to-female Transgender individual, who stated she was robbed by the suspect. No weapon was mentioned and the victim was not injured. The suspect, an adult male, was located and arrested. The case is being considered a potential hate/bias crime based upon the victim’s actual or perceived sexual orientation and/or gender identity, based upon comments made by the suspect at the time of the robbery."

BAD CONNECTION. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the Sixth District responded to an apartment in the 1700 block of Minnesota Avenue, N.E. for the report of threats. Upon arrival, the victim, a male-to-female Transgender individual, advised her boyfriend had threatened to kill her and pull the phone cord out of the wall when she attempted to call 9-1-1. The suspect was arrested later that day."

FUCK FRED PHELPS. "On Monday, March 30, 2009, members of the GLLU, working with members of the United States Secret Service Uniformed Division, United States Park Police and Metropolitan Police Department’s Intelligence Division, monitored a counter-protest of the Westboro Baptist Church. The demonstrators moved about the city, culminating their demonstration in the 1600 block of Pennsylvania Avenue, N.W. There were no incidents or arrests."

UNWANTED ADVERTISEMENT. "On Wednesday, April 1, 2009, at approximately 3 p.m., a citizen found a brochure on the windshield of her vehicle, which was parked in the 1800 block of Massachusetts Avenue, N.W. Handwritten on the brochure were homophobic, racist and anti-Semitic remarks."

DEEP LOVE. "On Thursday, April 2, 2009, at approximately 2:30 a.m., members of the Fourth District responded to the call for a stabbing inside a residence in the 5300 block of 8th Street, N.W. Upon arrival, the officers located the adult female victim suffering from a stab wound to her hands and arms. The victim was uncooperative and refused to provide officers with any information regarding who attacked her. A witness advised officers the victim was stabbed by her former girlfriend, but the witness did not know the suspect's identity. The victim refused medical attention."

POLICE ASSISTED BREAK-IN REQUESTED. "On Friday, April 3, 2009, at approximately 4:30 a.m., members of the Third District responded to a call for assistance at an apartment in the 1500 block of Ogden Street, N.W. Upon arrival, the officers were met by the caller, a male-to-female Transgender individual, who desired assistance getting back into her apartment. Further investigation revealed the caller did not live at that address and was heavily intoxicated. She was escorted from the building."

GUNS AND GROCERIES. "On Friday, April 3, 2009, at approximately 3 a.m., members of the Seventh District responded to a call for threats in the area of Good Hope Road, S.E. Once on the scene, officer located the victim, a juvenile male, who advised he was walking home from a nearby grocery store, when a male suspect began to call him homophobic names and threaten to shoot him. No weapon was displayed. Although the suspect had fled the scene prior to the officer's arrival, he was located later that night and arrested."

UNDERCOVER PROSTITUTE. "On Saturday, April 4, 2009, at approximately 3:30 a.m., a male contacted the GLLU's on-call member to report he had been the victim of a theft. According to the victim, who was visiting from New England and staying at a hotel in the 1500 block of New Hampshire Avenue, N.W., he met a black male online and invited him to his hotel room. Upon the departure of the guest, the victim realized he was missing a significant amount of U.S. currency from his wallet. The suspect is described as a black male, approximately 40 years old, 6'2" tall, 225 pounds, wearing blue jeans and a white sweatshirt."

Photo by k763

Why do women stay in abusive relationships? That's the question Slate's Linda Hirshman poses in her review of the new abuse memoir Crazy Love. Hirshman thinks the question is a "terribly important one" to ask women, and that it is a "mark of respect" to do so.

And yet, Hirshman's question remains a rhetorical in her review of Leslie Morgan Steiner's book—because Hirshman never attempts to answer it. She writes:

In the press kit for Crazy Love, Steiner says it's easy to see why she married someone who choked her on a regular basis. She was, she says, "kind, insecure and desperate for intimacy. … It is not difficult to understand why anyone … could become trapped in an intimate manipulative relationship."

. . . Steiner is wrong: It is difficult to understand why she stayed in this awful relationship, given that she was not risking starvation and had no children with her abuser.

Hirshman's theory isn't an attempt at understanding why a woman would stay. In fact, Hirshman argues, it is that very attempt at understanding that is to blame for the perpetuation of abusive relationships. Hirshman calls this "the soft bigotry of low feminism"—when we try to understand why women stay with their abusers, we stop focusing on empowering women to get out.

Hirshman has a point here. Women are not helpless. They have agency. They can make choices. There are escape routes from abusive relationships, and women can take them. Acknowledging this is not the same as blaming the victim—-it is, however, often the only way to make the abuse stop.

But listen to how Hirshman now rephrases the question. It's not "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?"—it's "Why do women's self-destructive fantasies drown out the warnings that years of old-style feminism have alerted us to?"

Yep, after ticking off the only reasons Hirshman deems rational for staying—it's not money, and it's not kids—she decides to rationalize it for herself in perhaps the most offensive way possible:

The victim stays with the abuser because she likes it! She is living out her fantasy. What's more, she just doesn't listen to those who know better—why, old feminists, of course. What a crazy, stupid victim.

It's telling that Hirshman points only to physical reasons for staying with an abuser (money and children), because throughout, she fails to address that abusive relationships are rarely solely physical affairs. She doesn't mention that abusers employ emotional manipulation and social pressure deliberately and constantly to make sure their victims don't leave. Instead, she points to an 11-year-old girl "who got wind of her impending genital circumcision and walked 25 miles through the Kenyan bush at night to reach a Girls Rescue Center"—a daring physical escape, to be sure.

The escape routes for emotional and psychological abuse are often more difficult to discern. And when you fail to address that, asking a woman why she stays in an abusive relationship isn't a "mark of respect"—it's a mark of condescension.

So, Hirshman reads a book intimately detailing Leslie Morgan Steiner's four-year abusive relationship, puts it down, and writes an essay asking, "What was this woman thinking?" I haven't read Crazy Love, but I assume that's the point—understanding the victim's perspective. Why don't we listen to her?

The Visions in Feminism conference, an annual feminist symposium held at American University, has chosen its 2009 keynote speaker: Annie Sprinkle (right) a porn-star-cum-academic who claims to be "the first porn star to get a Ph.D." She is also the creator of such titles as "Hardcore from the Heart: The Pleasures, Profits and Politics of Sex in Performance" (book) and "Annie Sprinkle’s Amazing World of Orgasm" (DVD).

The theme of the 2009 VIF conference is “Pushing Boundaries: Queering Feminism & Queer-ying our Communities”; its goal is to "explore ways of queering ourselves and our communities; that is, unfixing definitions of feminism while pushing our boundaries to re-examine our relationships to feminist praxis."

While we're "unfixing definitions of feminism," may I humbly submit that we unfix this "sex-positivity" shit from the entire praxis? Because if I have to endure another essay on the mysteries of the female orgasm in the name of feminism, I may never have an orgasm again.

Let's take a look at the rest of the VIF conference: It includes workshops on the "Asian Pacific Islander Domestic Violence Resource Project," "Transsexual Women's Experiences and Queer Feminism," and "Dork as Third Gender." Sounds good to me.

Then, things get sex-positive-y. The conference ends with a workshop (complete with "live demonstration with rope restraints") run by "a sex positive polyamorous pansexual bi-gendered individual who enjoys nothing more than talking about and/or having sex," then Sprinkle's keynote address.

Meh. Yes: Sex is great! Talking about sex is great (except when it's not)! It's no surprise to anyone that tons of people really like having sex, including—ooooh—feminists!

This is the worst part of sex-positivity role in feminism: It pretends to be totally outrageous, but it's actually very, very boring. Take Sprinkle's "Interview with an Anti-Porn Feminist," in which she argues for porn's place in the feminist movement. Sprinkle kicks off the questions by asking her subject, "Don’t you think it’s so totally interesting to see people naked, or to watch them having sex?"

I'm not an anti-porn feminist, and even I have to say—No. Just, no. It's fine, but it's not "totally interesting," and talking about it is even less interesting. Of course, there are a lot of feminist issues involved in the porn industry, sex work, and in human sexuality; I just don't think "sex positivity" is one of them. So you're a feminist, and you like sex—well, that's normal. So do a lot of people, including a lot of non- and anti-feminists. So what does that have to do with feminist identity?

And yet, sex-positivity has wormed its way into the feminist movement. Why? One reason, of course, is that for a long time, women weren't allowed to want or like to have sex. And sure, I've been lucky to grow up in a time and place where I haven't needed a porn star PhD mentor to tell me it's okay to like doin' it.

But there's another reason, too: If people who like sex see sex-positivity as a part of the feminist movement, maybe they'll see feminism as less prude and scary and icky and straight-laced and serious and anti-man. And I think it's condescending to the feminist movement that we have to bring orgasms in to be taken seriously.

This is for all my women out there that be getting beat up, you know what I mean, struggling, welfare, sometimes the jobs ain't right, they going through mad trauma, especially with they man when they don't really need that shit.

Rihanna's own mad trauma isn't the subject of the song, but her name is called out several times in the background. Listen to the track, after the jump:

STUDENTS, PARENTS, WOMEN AND MEN OF ALL AGES

Ward 4 Education Council and EZ Street of Radio-One WKYS Union Temple Youth Leader's MPD along with WEAVE have come together to create:

The "DOMESTIC VIOLENCE PREVENTION CAMPAIGN".

The summit will be held at Union Temple Church 1225 W St S.E. Tuesday February 17, 2009 7:00pm

Countless tragedies that occur in our homes, schools and workplace and we are holding this summit for everyone to address their concerns and issues with those who can tell you how to get out before it's to late. This summit will help break the cycle of violence by giving a voice in the fight against Domestic Violence.

The DC Commission for Women today denounced the recent spate of violence involving young women, both nationally and right here in our community. We are saddened by the alleged attack on the young singer Rihanna by her boyfriend, the singer Chris Brown, and are even more disappointed by the number of young women residents of the District of Columbia expressing their views that she deserved to be beaten on local radio call-in shows discussing the situation. Cherita Whiting, Ward 4 Commissioner for the Commission for Women and Chairperson of the Ward 4 Education Council commented, "With teen violence in the District of Columbia the highest in the country, it is particularly unacceptable for these young girls to believe there is anything anyone could have done to make Mr. Brown's behavior okay."

This, combined with the violence between girls that occurred this week at the District's Cardozo High School are cause for serious concern about the realities of teen and intimate partner violence. More than a dozen students (mostly girls) were injured and 16 people were arrested as a result of the fighting at Cardozo.

We applaud the companies, shows and radio stations that have pulled Chris Brown's endorsements, appearances and songs and strongly urge others to do the same. Domestic violence, teen violence, sexual abuse and stalking are serious issues that must be dealt with as such. DC Commission for Women Chair Reta Lewis stated today "if we have women and young girls in this town that think there's anything she [Rihanna] could have done to deserve this, something must be done to educate DC residents on the issue of teen dating violence." The Commission urges everyone to reach out to the following organizations if they are in need of help or want to learn more about these issues:

"WEAVE" (Woman Empowered against Violence) will hold sessions for privacy for all to speak in private with counselors.

Welcome back to a weekly collaboration in which, through the magic of Gchat, New York-based blogger Sady of Tiger Beatdown joins D.C.-based me of The Sexist to hash out the most pressing women's issues of the day. This time it was a no-brainer: Duh, Rihanna. In this edition: what happens when "the people entering into the domestic violence debate are people who are normally, you know, drawing jizz on Zac Ephron's face."

So. Chris Brown allegedly beat up (now-former) girlfriend Rihanna, and:

SADY: it's really troubling. i think it is just hard for people to even approach it without getting into iffy territory, because we have so many messed-up ideas about partner violence itself. and the idea of it surfacing in this huge and troubling way between two super-famous people, who both have (apparently) super clean public images, is really weird.

AMANDA: it is very weird. but then chris brown's whole history is resurfacing now—how he grew up in a really bad situation with an abusive step-dad—and everyone is upset about that. a lot of people are saying 'how dare you bring that up?' as if bringing up the history excuses domestic violence. I have to pee really quick. keep writing. i'll be right back.

SADY: Right. what it tells us is that brown has a history of being exposed to that stuff, and some people are reading that as an excuse-type statement, "oh but he didn't like it when his dad did it so he couldn't have," whereas other folks are reading it as: kids who grow up in those situations sometimes repeat them, it's a programming thing. i am reading a d.h. lawrence novel about how his dad beat up his mom! and lawrence hated it! and then went on to perpetrate it in at least one relationship, i understand! so d.h. and chris brown apparently have something in common.

AMANDA: who knew. i think it's been kind of interesting how the celebrity aspect of this has revealed a lot about how people talk about domestic violence. i remember reading a rumor on the internets shortly after the incident happened that said, "Chris Brown Beats Rihanna For Giving Him Herpes," and then there was this firestorm of people reacting to that, saying, why perpetuate this rumor, and even if it's true, it doesn't excuse anything. But still, I heard that rumor maybe 3 or 4 times just from people that i know.

SADY: right. exactly. it was all over.

AMANDA: because that's how celebrity news works—you hear a rumor, you repeat it. it doesn't have anything to do with your moral position on domestic violence.

SADY: yet i think it is interesting that the first thing people wanted to know was: how did she make it happen? was she possessive? cheating on him? was it the herp? the idea of an abuser as someone who makes a CHOICE, to ABUSE, is kind of absent.

AMANDA: i think part of it is that people just like to talk about celebrities, and now there's this whole movement to make the discussion of this domestic violence somehow more sacred than that—more tempered and more positive—and of course the whole situation is very serious and awful, but i think it's a little too much to expect here. the only reason we're dissecting every little part of it in the first place is because it's chris brown and rihanna, not some joe schmos from down the street who are probably beating each other right now.

SADY: yeah, true enough.

AMANDA: so, the people entering into the domestic violence debate are people who are normally, you know, drawing jizz on zac ephron's face. which is a frustrating place to be in for people who see this as an opportunity to talk about some issues that don't get a lot of time in the public conversation.

SADY: yeah, there's a lot of "if chris brown were MY boyfriend he wouldn't beat me up," versus "rihanna is so pretty, why would you hit HER?" it's kind of weird to acknowledge that people's positions on this, because of the fame, might be less moral than "OMG must come to defense of person who has never seen me or spoken to me but will one day love me back!"

AMANDA: yeah, definitely. what did you think of the spokesperson's comment? i think it was something like, "rihanna is well, we appreciate your concern." i got this press release from some lady judge who was super pissed about that, saying it "glossed over" the issue . . . i thought it was just a pretty standard "no comment."

SADY: yes, that was it, almost exactly. and, you know, normally people who report these things don't have their names published. which makes sense to me given the fact that someone created a "rihanna deserved it" t-shirt – you really want to shield someone from that kind of shaming. so i can see her wanting to be private above all right now. you're a journalist, i mean, way more so than i—what do you think of the fact that her name was reported?

AMANDA: wow, they create t-shirts fast these days.

SADY: yes, and take them down almost as quickly.

AMANDA: i mean, i think that's probably a result of how this was reported, and how all celebrity news is reported. if you're reporting from a police report, the name is struck and there are journalistic standards blah blah. but if paparazzi have the photo of RIHANNA and bloggers are writing first-person accounts of RIHANNA . . . it's out the window then.

SADY: yeah, exactly. and then people are like, "if only we had pictures! if only we had a statement from each of them! they are fame-os, how can they withhold this incredibly fascinating story from us, the public!"

AMANDA: it's too bad, but i think that privacy is one that all celebrities sacrifice, and journalistic standards are really lax for them. you can say pretty much anything about a celebrity and people are rarely sued. so do you think chris brown is going to fade into obscurity?

SADY: i dunno if it's going to be obscurity or infamy. i mean, axl rose was accused of domestic violence. ike turner, obvs. r. kelly not only got a "not guilty" sentence, he got even more famous. there is now a song called "don't call me whitney, bobby." i think that's where this is going.

AMANDA: i like that song. yeah, i guess we just wait for the comeback!

SADY: as do i!

AMANDA: let's agree to meet back here, same place, at the time of chris brown's inevitable comeback.

SADY: okay, i am scheduling it for a year from now. let's place bets. we'll talk.

—

AND NOW: the musical fruits of domestic violence, courtesy of Islands.

[youtube:v=F2SSIcG8FH4]

The press release, which made its way into my inbox earlier today, began on a high note. "Take a Stand Against Domestic Violence With Marshall's," read the e-mail, before taking a quick turn for the worse: ". . . IN THE SEASON’S HOTTEST SHOES."

I want nothing more than to take a stand against domestic violence. But I'm not sure the best way to protest violence against women is to reinforce the perception of women as frivolous consumers whose activist passions are largely fueled by their enduring obsession with shoes. "It’s no secret that women love their shoes,"declares Marshall's. "And now they can indulge in this season’s most fashion-forward shoe styles while taking a stand against domestic violence."

The shoes don't stop there.

On October 2, 2008, Marshall's will co-sponsor an event to kick off "Domestic Violence Awareness Month." The Union Square event will feature comments by "Gossip Girl" star Leighton Meester, live sculpture-building by New York artist Nancy Bowen, and participation from other "notable New Yorkers." But will there be shoes?

Oh, yes. There will be shoes:

Don’t forget your old shoes—Marshalls is offering the first 100 participants who arrive at the event a new pair of shoes from their fall fashion collection in exchange for their gently-worn shoes.  After receiving their new shoes, guests will have the opportunity to take a stand against domestic violence and walk one of two runways, which will lead them to local artist, Nancy Bowen, who will work during the event to create an artistic shoe sculpture.  At the conclusion of the event, all shoes not used in the sculpture will be donated to Soles4Souls, a Nashville-based organization that facilitates the donations of shoes, which are used to aid the hurting worldwide.

Forget about the shoes. Did you say Leighton Meester of "Gossip Girl"? See you on the runway, Marshall's.