On Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments over a law banning video depictions of animal cruelty. The law was party inspired by the sensationalized "crush porn" craze. In crush porn, women stomp on small animals, in bare feet or in heels, in order for crush porn fetishists to get off.

Crushing puppies and kitties to death in the name of sexual arousal obviously ain't legal. The question posed to the Court was whether disseminating video evidence of these crimes constituted a crime in itself—even if the evidence was being used to educate people not to hurt animals.

The Supreme Court will likely overturn the ban on "crush porn" and other filmed animal cruelties. I support upholding the First Amendment position on this one, but I'd rather I had never, ever become aware of the fact that there are people out there who actually get off on killing widdle aminals beneath their scary feets.

Luckily, a completely safe, totally adorable—and porn-inspired!—kitty video has surfaced to wash all those crush-porn thoughts away. It's called "3 Cats, 1 Steak," and I've watched it twice already. Enjoy.

This Week In Sexist History, a double billing:

followed by:

Good 'Ol Day: August 28, 1897

On August 28, 1897, a couple of newsworthy events occurred: A nine-year-old girl discovered the head of a local Arabian woman in the woods, was threatened with death by the woman's killer, then escaped just in time to avoid the forest fire the murderer lit to obscure his victim's remains. In other news, dog did something cute. I wonder which story the New York Times deemed worthy of the most column inches?

Nameless decapitated foreign woman: 29 lines.

Now how about that dog?

Dog imbued with the human qualities of inquiry, serenity, gaiety, and amusement by the New York Times: 42 lines.

There’s been some of that going on at the National Zoo and its Virginia research facility, of course; the stork didn't bring that baby gorilla or those clouded leopard cubs or the red panda or that endangered foal, if you know what I mean.

But let's face it: Not everyone on four legs is getting some. Which, naturally, leads to sexual frustration. Like the kind often exhibited by dogs.

Care of the site ohmidog! comes word – and image – of the first sex toy for (male) canines: the DoggieLoverDoll.

Made out of soft rubber, it comes in the shape of a girl dog, with all the right parts, including “a silicone vagina and an easy to clean reservoir.” A press release announcing its sale by the aptly named PetSmiling, with headquarters in Miami and Sao Paolo, Brazil, explains further:

You may know or have probably heard about these dolls for men that are very popular in Sex Shops around the world. There are inflatable ones, full-body, silicone, as well as other models. So now the first doll for dogs has been launched in Brazil. That’s right, a doll for dogs to practice safe sex. The majority of non-neutered dogs spend a good chunk of time looking for something to hump. They try pillows, furry creatures, people’s legs and even other animals.

And more:

When a dog tries to hump legs, stuffed animals and other objects, he cannot reach an ejaculation. With the DoggieLoverDoll he can. Human beings have their hands to masturbate themselves, now the domestic animals, which have practically no contact with females in heat, can alleviate themselves with a toy designed specifically for them. Dogs have a great sexual appetite and this novelty, surely will better their lives.

The doll comes in three sizes – small, medium and large – because a chihuahua and a Great Dane couldn’t possibly be expected to use one with the same dimensions. During what the company calls the toy’s “testing period,” the pets "showed a better quality of life based on less anxiety, less barking and less territorial demarcation."

Well, yeah: Isn't that what sex does, even in humans?

The toy's site, doggieloverdoll.com, is still being built, but check back if you're in the market. PetSmiling says it has already received orders from the United States, Germany, and Japan.

Last week on the Sexist:

1. Menace to Sorority, in which sorority members insult fraternity members, and vice-versa, ad nauseum

2. Why Sex Positivity is Bad for Feminism, in which the sex-positivists descend upon me (pictured)

3. Indiana Bestiality Law Cracks Down on Deleted Dog Porn, in which we are all made dumber

4. The Great Mexican Cartoon Porn-Off Concludes!, in which I thank the Huffington Post for linking to me

5. Why Cougars And MILFs Are Not Hot, in which I defend my generation

The Washington City Paper's second Best Of D.C. issue since 1987 hits newsstands today. Since this is our staff's second Best Of, we're honoring the District's second-bests in 2009. My picks—including "Second-Best Strip Club Excuse," "Second-Best Item of Clothing to Remove at a Gay Bar," and "Second-Best George Mason Personality" (pictured)—are after the jump.

Second-Best Dog

Second-Best Item of Clothing to Remove at a Gay Bar

Second-Best Place to Prepare for the Upcoming Apocalypse

Second-Best Use of the Postcard

Second-Best Strip Club Excuse

Second-Best Way to Pick Someone Up

Second-Best DURKL Brother

Second-Best Reason to Claim a Pew

Second-Best George Mason Personality

Second-Best Celebrity-Watching with Side of Half-Smoke

Second-Best Dude Blogger

Photo by Darrow Montgomery