Sometimes, Craigslist Missed Connections have the power to renew your faith in love-at-first sight. Other times, they will destroy your faith in humanity. This is one of those times.

I don’t know what possibly could have happened this week to inspire some of the saddest missed connections that I have ever seen, but it’s not my place to speculate—Internet stalking works in mysterious ways.

First up: can two “sell outs” make it work?

BRUCE CONCERT AT VERIZON (Verizon Center)

You: Older Gentleman Jeans and Jacket in Section 429 at Springsteen concert Monday.

Me: 5 feet aisle seat. Dark skin brown hair Jeans, black T-shirt. I danced and sang along all night at show.

I questioned if show would be a sell out. You suggested it was a sell out. Sensed a connection.
Would love to chat over coffee.

She wore a vest. He wore a lip sweater:

great mustache, no shirt – w4m – 24 (Columbia Heights)

You were riding your bike without a shirt. You have an amazing mustache and a sly smile. I was wearing a vest sitting at the wonderland. I hope we can connect.

He was having lunch at a Hooters in Manassas. OF COURSE he’s checking this to see if any of the girls at Hooters secretly wanted to fuck him!

lunch at Hooters – w4m – 27 (Manassas, VA)

hoping there’s a chance you check this . . . saw you having lunch with 2 other men at Hooters in Manassas today. Started to slip you my number, but missed the opportunity. The guy I was with is not my boyfriend. It would be nice to see you again

So, you’re cheating on your wife, and you’re cheap. Perfect.

ashley madison profile – m4w – 37 (Reston)

You winked at me on Ashley Madison web site , ID- “I_might_surprise_you”. I have a free account so I cannot reply.

And you met your astrologer at a strip club. In 1985. You know what? I think we’ve finally found a match that makes sense.

Brian Sullivan- ASTROLOGER- I am looking for him (Washington, DC) (CAMELOT – 1823 M ST — (Washington, DC ))

I am looking for — Brain Sullivan —— Professional ASTROLOGER — ( & English Teacher)

He lives in Washington, DC

He is 40+ — slim white male — with pale skin — & white hair.

He is a — PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER

( & he also teaches English on the side)

I have lost contact with him and wish to see him.

He is my astrologer. i have known him since 1985

he knows me well

I wish to find him so I can set up a NEW astrology reading from him .

Photo by ::PinkDiamonds::, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

“What’s up guys?” writes the “very masculine” bisexual white male, before getting down to business:

“[I'm] looking for other masculine buds out there who wear jockstraps,” this Baltimore Craigslist poster writes (warning: possibly NSFW photos of dudes posing in jockstraps). The poster, who runs an amateur jockstrap photo blog, is looking for any guy “into showing-off and taking pics in their jocks,” including:

* “Ex HS/college jocks”

* “military jocks”

* “guys who get jocked up for a weekend softball game or a trip to the gym”

* “lean/muscular/beefy” jocks

* “straight/bi/gay” jocks

* “any age” jock

* “doesn’t really matter, just look good in your jockstrap” jocks.

I have noted the parallels between the term “jock” (a person) and “jockstrap” (an accessory for that person’s genitalia) before. Perhaps the association has caused this blog administrator to conflate “guys who wear jockstraps” with “guys into wearing jockstraps” here. Because if self-identifying as a “high school jock” actually signals one’s interest in strapping on a jock for some Internet photography dude, I wildly misunderstood the social dynamics at my high school. Let’s just call jockstrap porn jockstrap porn, shall we? This amateur jockstrap pornographer ain’t looking for guys who like to jock up for a weekend softball game. He’s looking for jocks willing to jock up for him.

All this sex sting lacked was Chris Hansen hiding in a closet—who apparently has quite a following among underage prostitution enthusiasts!

Several men asked the girl if she was working for police, according to the documents, and a few said that they did not want to end up on Dateline’s “To Catch A Predator” television series.

They didn’t end up on “To Catch a Predator.” But the Gazette has stepped in to assume Hansen’s role of disseminating all the johns’ life-ruining details to the public. No cookies and lemonade, either:

* “Montgomery County firefighter Wayne A. Mothershead, 44, of Taneytown responded to the ad using his work e-mail and arranged to meet for sex in his truck outside the Bohrer Park Activity Center in Gaithersburg on July 20, according to the documents.”

* Mothershead’s attorney chimed in with the classic excuse:  “attorney Rebecca Nitkin add[ed] that the girl in the photographs viewed by the men appeared older than 16.”

* “A Wheaton man, who was instructed to meet the girl near Gaithersburg High School, admitted to having a semiautomatic handgun in his trunk and was also charged with carrying a deadly weapon on school property and transporting a handgun, according to the documents.”

* “Benjamin R. Cary, a personal trainer at the Jewish Community Center of Greater Washington in Rockville for 10 years, was arrested March 25, according to the documents. He told police he was ‘trying to stop a girl from doing something bad’ but later said ‘I will do whatever you want me to do, pay a fine go to class … just don’t tell my wife,’ according to the documents.”

* “Barry M. Lebowitz, a married optometrist at Potomac Eye Care in Gaithersburg, was charged with soliciting a minor on April 9, according to the documents. When the girl said she was too young to rent a hotel room, Lebowitz, 46, wrote, ‘this might get expensive … any discount if i get hotel?,’ according to the documents.”

The pole can be yours for 90 bucks.

[Thanks to Molly Redden for the stripper tip].

Craigslist’s adult-services ads may now be scrubbed of unlawfullness and pornography, but the Web site’s notoriously dirty personals section is still allowed to run free of administrative oversight. That’s not to say its sex seekers are lacking in standards.

In “The Glory Hole is OPEN,” the proprietor of a private anonymous sex hole writes:

“I’ve got a really cool glory hole set up at my place. It’s a real glory hole, not a sheet.”

Glory holes, traditionally holes carved in public wall spaces for convenient anonymous sex, used to be the sort of sturdy, steel-plated, duct-taped openings you could really stick your dick through (above, in a California rest stop). Now dudes are draping sheets with holes in them over themselves in their Virginia apartments and calling them glory holes? There’s nothing glorious about that, friends.

I e-mailed the poster above to see if he’s seen how bad it’s become—if he’s ever been summoned to a purported glory hole, only to find a fucking sheet with a hole in it. He didn’t reply. At least glory holers are still polite enough to remain discrete.

Photo by luxpacis

Over on CityDesk, Andrew Beaujon digs into the Craigslist adult ads crackdown, a new development which could mean good business for alt-weeklies. Why not come crawling back to CP, erotic service providers, where photos of genitalia and penetration are no-nos, but “Nipples are kind of on a fence”?

Photo by tastybit

The reported move comes in the wake of media attention focused on Boston University med student Philip Markoff, who allegedly killed a 26-year-old “masseuse” he met through the Web site. You may know Markoff as “the Craigslist killer.” All press, good press, etc.

Breitbart couldn’t reach Craigslist for comment, but its “erotic services” page and FAQ register no notice of the section’s impending doom. If Craigslist does do away with “erotic services,” I have a feeling crafty sex-for-pay providers will manage to somehow find a way.

Sure, it’s not as glitzy as being cornered on the kitchen peninsula behind a big pitcher of lemonade by handsome moral authority and “To Catch a Predator” host Chris Hansen. In December, the FBI, Immigration and Customs Enforcement and some NoVa detectives tricked some local dudes into trying to have sex with kids with Craigslist posts titled “In Town for 2 Days-Mom W 2 Grls” and “2 nite only- fmly fun – u wn’t forget” The posts then described how interested parties could have sex with 8-to-14-year-old girls. Ha ha, too good to be true, child molesters.

Hey, let’s see which of our neighbors were totally into this:

Within hours of making the posts, the investigators had hundreds of responses, court documents said. Over the next few days, they arranged meetings with at least five men, some of whom drove more than an hour and were willing to pay upward of $200 to have sex with children.

Among those caught in the sting was a West Virginia elementary school art teacher, Douglas E. Hunt, who pleaded guilty Friday to enticing a minor to engage in sexual activity. Hunt called a Leesburg detective from a phone at Shepherdstown Elementary School to arrange a meeting with 12- and 13-year-old girls advertised in the detective’s Dec. 3 Craigslist posting.

Busted.

* Wow! Creepiest ending to a Craigslist personals ad in recent memory: “There is a unique kind of yoga I’ve been doing…when I’m not at the gym”

* Womenstake’s Melanie Ross Levin describes the scene at the signing of the Ledbetter Fair Pay Act. “Surrounded by a “who’s who” from the women’s movement, I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by the significance of this occasion,” she writes. “As a newbie to the White House signing ceremony world, I ran around the room trying to capture the moment by taking as many photos and talking to as many people as possible.” Ha ha, n00b!

* Gender Goggles reviews “Violet,” an “interactive fiction game in which you are a graduate student attempting to finish your dissertation”—and in which you can make your protagonist a lesbian by choosing the “heteronormativity off” option.

* Lisa Schiffren of the National Review is unsurprisingly nonsensical, this time about the Obamas hiring a new White House chef, like every other Presidential family has done from the beginning of time ever. She writes: “But today, news comes that the Obamas will not run a national Top Chef competition—because they are bringing their own, private chef from Chicago to the White House. Well, isn’t that nice?”

Short answer: It is not nice, it is terrible in every way except that it now allows Schiffren to smugly dangle in front of us all this incontroversial evidence of what Michelle Obama has been all along—an elitist servant-driver and a shitty mom. “I believed all that stuff about how Michelle was an overburdened modern working mother, rushing from school dropoff to her high-paying, demanding work at the hospital, to dress fittings, to whatever it was she needed to do to support her husband’s political aspirations, back home to take care of her daughters,” writes Schiffren. “Call me naive, but that model usually includes making dinner.” It gets better—later, Schiffren evokes Sarah Palin!

Photo by migraine chick

Intrepid Craigslist users seeking snow jobs—or similar double entendres based upon sex terns and winter weather conditions, whatever, I’m new to this—are covering the site with a soft blanket of snow-themed hook-up requests. These are their stories.

* In a piece titled “Snow…Ahhhh Yes….It’s Great Sex Weather,” a 49-year-old Sterling man is just looking for some great winter banging, “so no BS, alright??” If you agree that snow creates the perfect conditions for sex, this man is interested in interesting you “in a 100-night stand” (no men). Yeah, I’m pretty sure the snow will be gone by then.

* This 28-year-old D.C. woman is so pissed we all “had to come to work today!” that she’s chosen to squander her employer’s resources by posting dating ads on Craigslist. I, in turn, will squander my employer’s resources by re-posting her posting. Before wishing potential dates a “wonderful day!” and “happy snow to everyone,” the woman requests a “long-term” relationship with someone who retains “all your hair, and teeth and limbs…stuff like that.” Also, she’s “5′8″, so it would be nice if you were a little taller or else, that’s kind of weird?? I don’t know.” So, what are the ads that this lady is actually a randomly generated ad posted by an “escort service”?

* “I don’t want to sit up here and write an essay,” begins this 30-year-old poster, in an ad entitled “5 questions for u.” All he wants to do is ask you a few questions. They are:

1. Do u like a man to be your friend as well as ur lover
2. Do u like to do fun things with the person u are with
3. If a man gave u his heart to love would u take care of it
4. Are u tired of being alone
5. Can we get to know each other

Wow, those questions, which came suddenly to the poster while just “sitting here, looking at this snow,” certainly decrease in specificity and increase in desperation as they rage on. Whatever, “hopefully u will answer.”

* “Let it snow!” declares this 42-year-old man seeking man. Totally stealing my joke, he writes, “Nothing like a snow day…except a blow day.” Yeah, yeah, everyone’s a comedian when posting winter-themed sex ads.

Photos by Tambako the Jaguar

Good morning, Washington. A soft, frolicky blanket of snow—destined to descend into an icy weather system of ice and disappointment—falls over our fair city this morning. What other treasures will this day bring?

* This morning, Bill Kristol, the man Wonkette deftly reminds us ushered Sarah Palin into the civilized world, is out at the New York Times, in at the Washington Post.

* This morning, Evil Slutopia defends the sex industry against those who wish to defile its reputation.

* This morning, Slate’s Brian Raferty—perhaps knowing that I recently endured a public rendition of Weird Al’s “Amish Paradise”—unloads the phenomenon of “karaoke rage.”

* This morning, dudes on Craigslist are now using the snow to try to get laid! From “Drunken Bike Ride in the Snow,” by Robert Frost:

Is it going to snow today? . . . I’d love for it to snow, but I don’t want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed as they have been so many times before here in DC. But if it does snow, I’d love to find a hottie to spend the snowy evening bar hopping via bicycle in the Dupont/Logan/U Street neighborhoods. We can get drunk enough that the bike riding in the snow is exciting and dangerous. Maybe we’ll crash together and then lay on the snowy ground and make out. All in the spirit of celebrating the inauguration, of course. Anyone up for it?

No.

Photo by pmarkham.

Barack Obama is President now, which means that everyone can stop posting pathetic Craigslist ads seeking inaugural dates for watching him become President, right? Wrong. In the grand tradition of the post-election sex phenomenon, ambitious locals are still invoking Obama’s name in the pursuit of hookin’-up, awww yeah! So far, this guy is my favorite:

Are we really committed to change?—39 (NWDC)

Today we celebrate the inauguration of our first black president yet it amazes me how much many guys on here have closed minds and a lot of racial hangups.

Are there any white guys on here that that don’t have an issue with hooking up with blk or mixed race guys?

Me: 5′11, 198, vry masc, normal, DDF, exec prof, 39 y/o. workout regularly, decent shape, intelligent, respectful, fun.

You: White or mixed race, 21-35, normal, VGL, intelligent, fun, well mannered, ddf, vry masculine.

Respond with a face pic and I’ll reply with mine if it looks like a match.

Serious reply’s only please.

Featuring the incomparable Bob Odenkirk.

* Do you want to see Jay-Z at love tonight? Get ready for some “affection and passion, for the feeling of that first kiss, tingles you feel from a certain touch, soft whispers that excite and move you, and intimate feelings that stir your soul,” because that’s what you might have to endure to win a ticket to the club. “LOOKING FOR A LADY TO ATTEND LOVE NIGHT CLUB AND PARK NIGHT WITH ME THIS WEEKEND TO CELEBRATE THE BRINGING OF OUT NEW PRESIDENT,” writes the poster, who offers up club tickets alongside “discreet affectionate romance, erotic passion, and intense excitement.” The posting is accompanied by an illustration of a single rose dripping in diamonds with a cursive script reading, “Hello.”

* This 32-year-old man-seeking woman poster seeks not a date, but rather an opportunity to gloat. “If I told you what I do for a living, I probably would have to kill you. Just kidding,” he writes. “[A]t times it can get boring. Luckily, it’s not so boring right now and for those of you who otherwise cannot make it to the inauguration or just simply can’t stand the cold—here is a little picture of me braving the elements as we prepare the inauguration of a new incoming president.”

* This 41-year-old local submits his weekend services as a tour guide. “I am looking for an attractive woman who would enjoy a night or more of nice dinners, great conversation, people watching, maybe some nightlife,” he writes. “I am not looking for sex, prostitutes, or gay men.”

* “How are you tonite?” asks this post, by a man seeking a woman. “[B]raving the cold snap?….about to brave the crush of people for the inauguration?” If you are college-educated, funny, and toned, mayhaps you are just what this North Virginian has been looking for: “Looking for a person with the similar yin (or yang?)” he writes.

* Two twenty-something “bi-racial sexy, fun, intelligent, positive and articulate free-spirits” seek two “cute like-minded guys” for a “fun, obamatastic time.” One is “beautiful and slender”; the other, “beautiful . . . with big boobs.” Inquire within.

Photo by lolololori

* If you’re interested in attending this all-male inauguration-week orgy (no link due to explicit nature of attached photographs, which I just opened in the coffee shop from which I am writing this post), get ready to play to type. “Orgymaster is seeking Horny Military dudes, Leather Daddies, Hunky Frat stud, Handsome Business Execs, and Humpy Athletic guys,” the poster writes. “In town for business, Inauguration or MAL Leather weekend? Cum, Cum, Cum!!!”

* This 40-year-old man-seeking-man in town for the inauguration says he’s “more the nerd type.” His posting, paired with a photo of himself outside the White House in belted jean shorts, is worth repeating in entirety:

horny but honest ok?
pic attached
like to explore the city while I’m here and like to explore guys also ..ok?
let me know what you might be into and where..

* Another presser looking for inauguration-week tail! “Media Person here for a week or so to do my job—when its over I want to play—pure and simple,” writes this 31-year-old man-seeking-man. “I cover Foreign Press matters in a beautiful European city and don’t get back to the States too often.”

* This “LOVELY EUROPEAN WOMAN” requires a date—urgently. “I AM ON MY WAY TO THE INAUGURATION WANTS TO MEET A GENTLEMAN OVER FORTY WELL EDUCATED PROFESSIONAL , REFINED, NON SMOKER , FIT , AVAILABLE ,FOR DINNER OR SHOW ME THE CITY,” she writes. “NO PIC NO REPLY.”

* This “single, handsome guy” in town for the inauguration seeks a woman “that might want to hang out for a day or so around the 20th. Maybe lunch, maybe coffee?” he writes. Uh, maybe more: he specifies—strange language choice, no?—that the woman be “of legal age.”

Photo by army.mil

* This woman not only requires an inauguration date—she requires an inauguration date with “a possibility of a relationship.” If you’re between the ages of 43 and 53, “will watch sports, movies and even read the paper” with her, and are “someone that can eat when they feel like it,” inquire within. Poster also enjoys “gambling.”

* This 34-year-old woman’s house renters may not be too pleased with this ad, which offers up floor space for inauguration-related goodies. “There might also be space to stay over at the place I rented very close to the events,” writes the poster, after noting she doesn’t “have a ticket to the swearing in if anyone has an extra.”

* This 37-year-old D.C. woman isn’t playing. “DO YOU NEED A DATE FOR THE Inauguration???” she writes. “I WOULD LIKE TO GO WITH YOU.” She continues: “ok let’s not waste time since it is next week. i am a sexy white female.” Her requirements are not unreasonable: “just be for real and no head games.”

* This trio of 30-something teachers seeks three “artsy” ball dates for the evening of the inauguration. “We are going to an artsy ball with fire dancers and other Burning Man kinda-type stuff,” they write. “Please be edgy and political.”

* Finally—a woman with tickets seeks a man without. “I’m looking for a date to accompany me to one or both events on Mon and Tues evenings. I already have my ticket to both. They are a semi formal and a black tie event. Will consist predominantly of young, urban professionals,” she writes. She’s looking for a “single black or latino male, age 27-35, tall (pref. 6 ft & up), fit, looks good in a tux” for a strictly platonic affair.

Photo by NataPics.

* This 49-year-old local man would “love to have the pleasure of your company over weekend, Monday or Tuesday,” ladies. Rest assured that this blond-haired, blue-eyed man about town “knows the dining and club/bar scene, museums, galleries, monuments, etc. pretty well.” His “full-disclosure,” however, requires bullet points:

- I do not have tickets to the inauguration or the parade.
- Ditto for inaugural ball tickets.

* Hey, this 24-year-old woman doesn’t have tickets either. The difference? She’s a 24-year-old woman. And she says she’s hot!S: “oh and for those who worry that i might be some form of jabba the hut’s reincarnate or something like that – i’m a fit, petite? (5′5″ish) brunette. and i don’t have any slave girls.”

* This “attractive, petite, social, college educated, female tourist from Manhattan” is sick of whatever punk keeps flagging her post for removal. Jealous? “Idk who keeps flagging/removing my post or why,” she writes. “Perhaps its someone I chose not to go with. There is no reason to flag this post because there is nothing inappropriate in my add. I’m just going to keep posting it and eventually whomever is flagging it, is going to move on with his life.

* Well, someone’s excited! “FREE JANUARY 19,20,” writes a 54-year-old ALEXANDRIA VA woman. WOULD LOVE TO HANG OUT FOR SOME CLEAN FUN. AND SEE WHERE IT GO FROM THERE SBF, GOODLOOKING. LOOKING FOR LTR RELATIONSHIP WITH THE RIGHT GUY. BETWEEN THE AGE OF 50-58. LETS PARK OUR CARS AND HAVE FUN FIGURING OUT HOW TO GET AROUND THE CITY ON THIS VERY IMPORTANT DAY IN HISTORY.”

* This 23-year-old woman needs a date to a party. A lot of her friends are going to be there, including her ex-boyfriend! Help her show him what he’s been missing—if you are “Smart,” a “Conversationalist,” “Progressive,” “prefferably attractive,” and are “able to dress appropriately for a party,” you could be the Craigslist stranger who goes home alone when she decides she’s not over him.

Photo by Woody1778a.

Bad news, reproductive organ seekers—the epic Craigslist ad offering up a 27-year-old ovary in exchange for a ticket to an inaugural ball has been flagged for removal. Ovary-offerer Lisa anticipated that this might happen. “I’m a little surprised the post hasn’t been flagged for removal, seeing as it’s illegal to sell your organs,” she divulged in an eerily prescient telephone interview yesterday.

She remains disappointed by the development. “They finally removed the original ad, which bothers me that fewer people found it funny than offensive,” she informed me in an e-mail this afternoon.

The Washington City Paper has a long and storied history of reporting on local organ trafficking activities, both earnest and tongue-in-cheek. So while this ovary offer is no longer suitable for Craigslist, her suggested trade of an ovary for a ball will remain on The Sexist’s site until it is dragged from our cold, dead Web archives.

* Not linking to this one because you can search for it if you really want to see some very naughty photos—this poster seeks in inauguration week orgy. “I’m gathering HORNY + HOT men interested in meeting for a sexy get together at a Hotel in NOVA,” writes the poster. “Looking for 10-15+ guys, who are clean, D & D free, and have no qualms about getting naked and joining for a GAY group sex!” Here are the rules, if you can decipher them: “No drugs, Poppers are ok. Toys, and cock rings, Leather, jockstraps are okay too. Mandatory clothes check too. Let’s get naked guys!”

* Finally, somebody just fucking says it: “Will put out for inauguration.” Complete with wet-t-shirt bum photos!

* Can someone explain to me what the “str8″ scene is? I assume it’s closeted gay men, but why bother specifying? In this ad, which has been flagged for removal, a “str8 curious guy” seeks “a cool laid back guy to hang with and show me around.” But looks like he’s more than a little curious: “love to jerk and show off and oral,” he writes.

* In case you missed it: revisit the inauguration date request of the year.

Image via mcmay

* Finally! Spring chicken seeks date for inaugural ball. This 21-year-old man (boy, really!) will be in-town for the inauguration, and seeks “a girl around my age to go with.”

* This inauguration ticket-seeker is offering up something a little more interesting than fine conversation and nice legs: Superbowl tickets. If you want to score two tickets to the Superbowl, prepare to cough up “4 seated tickets to the swearing-in ceremony, 8 preferred standing tickets to the swearing in (NW/SW/West/North or South only), 12 bleacher seats to the parade, 4 tickets to any of the PIC Balls held at the DC Convention Center.” And this poster ain’t playin’. “We are not interested in Mall Standing tickets,” he writes.

* Easy “Beach Ball” joke! This 31-year-old “San Diego California” resident seeks a woman who “would love to show a beach kid around town.” Oh, and he has tickets to two balls.

* This 42-year-old Floridian has a list of demands for women interested in accompanying him to history. “I have been invited to The Inauguration of Barack Obama in Washington DC on Jan. 20 and a staff party on Jan. 21,” he writes. “This person must: Hopefully knows the Washington DC area, or knows/has a place to stay during the Inaugural week. Is a democrat/liberal and believes in the causes of Obama. . . . Need responses in the next 2 days.

* This 45-year-old local claims to have a “good head attached at the shoulders, just not visible in this picture.” (The photo, from the neck down, recalls a Rufus Humphrey type). The District resident’s interests are similarly benign: “drinks after work, interesting ethnic restairants, showing someone the tourist sights, and just hanging out over coffee.”

Photo by Paul Keleher.

In this batch of inaugural-obsessed Craigslisters, we find strange terminology and catty put-downs employed in the pursuit of the historic hook-up. Let’s try to decipher today’s postings, shall we?

* This 56-year-old, who is “in town for the most incredible event of my lifetime,” is surfing Craigslist for “a woman to spend some time with during inauguration week.” He has “no tickets yet,” but is “working on it,” whatever that means. More puzzling, however, are the man’s stats: he describes himself as “SJM, 6′, 195, fit, left of center.” Who would cap a list of physical descriptors with the term “left of center”? Is this reference political, social, or, uh, more intimate? One lucky lady could find out!

* This 49-year-old “in town for the inauguration” [posting deleted by its author] is looking for a woman who is “5′4″ or better.” Wait—does “better” mean taller or shorter than 5′4″? All I know is that at 5 feet 4 inches, my height is at the outer limit of accessibility for desperate Craigslist daters. Score one for me!

* Somebody claiming to hail from “Dreamland” [posting has been flagged for removal] is none too pleased with this 44-year-old Dupont man seeking a “youthful, intelligent, energetic, interesting, skinny” male date for the inauguration. “I guess it was just a matter of time before some guys would whore out the Obama inauguration for sex,” writes a poster in response. “Just didn’t think it would happen so quickly. This is pathetic and SAD. This posting has been forwarded to Senator Reid’s office.”

* In turn, this 31-year-old poster is none too pleased with the critical poster from “Dreamland.” “So you are mad because someone wants a date for the inauguration?” writes the poster, whose diatribe has, in turn, been flagged for removal. “What’s wrong with that? did you send it to Senator Reid’s office in case he needs a date? You are lame and stupid. Go back to your lonely bitter corner and stay there LOSER!”

Photo by BL1961

* This 22-year-old Midwestern woman [posting has been flagged for removal] enjoys the finer things in life—do you have them? “I’m a very outgoing intelligent, educated, attractive women who would enjoy a fun historic moment with someone,” she writes. “I would like to go to places where that are high end and classy (different than what I’m used to) so someone who is well of financially would be appropriate.” Those who can offer her a refined inaugural experience won’t be disappointed. “I’m not trying to brag but I’m sure you’ll find me very appealing,” she writes. But this Midwesterner isn’t looking for just any well-off, high-end, classy guy. “Note that it is extremely important that I’m attracted to you; otherwise there is not point,” she writes.

* A 48-year-old San Francisco woman promises to be “the mysterious beautiful woman who will meet you at the Inauguration,” teasing: “I’ll be there, will you? Yes? Then we shall dance.” Post-inauguration plans include an extravagant bi-coastal romance. “Will you join me in San Francisco for more?” she asks.

* This 34-year-old lady wisely disguises her inauguration ticket-digging by first waxing political about her blue-state ideals. “Interested in making new friends, going on a date, or talking about the events of our nation together,” she writes, slyly adding: ” Maybe we could go to an inaugural ball, if I can find something to wear!” She then asks three questions of her potential date:

Have you worked on the campaign trail in the past?
Are you excited about Obama and where we are headed?
Are you looking for a date for any event during the inauguration?

Wonder which one is most important?

* This 32-year-old man is flexible in his request for “inauguration fun”: he’ll take either “a nice lady or female couple.” But it’s not all fun and games, he writes; He’s looking for “serious inquiries only.”

Photo by Kingfox.

Who’s looking for inauguration week tail romance this week? A round-up!

* When “35 year old white married guy” arrives in D.C. for the historic inauguration, he hopes that the date marks a personal milestone, too. “I am completely inexperienced in this but have wanted to be in various stages of intimacy with a man for a very looooong time,” he writes. “My wife has no idea (obviously) and I just want to have a nice time with some nice guy.” The six-foot, 250-pound male-curious traveler insists that he “would really like NOT to spend [the inauguration] in my hotel room jerking off . . . alone, at least!” He adds that his “dream is to worship some nice muscles.”

* This 36-year-old San Francisco redhead is “attractive,” “smart,” and “fabulous in formal wear.” Add one to the list: Free-loading. “I will be in DC for the inauguration and would love to find a date to an inaugural ball,” she writes. “I don’t have tickets but am looking for someone who does.”

* This 27-year-old “BBW” posts a photo of her feet in red, kitten-toed heels—then airs her presumptions. “I brought my sexy dress for a ball but . . . i have no tickets . . . no date . . . no nothing!” she writes. “i would love to be your date for any of the histortic events!!!!”

* Into caps-lock? You’ll love this 36-year old woman (posting expired) who “WOULD LIKE TO GO TO THE INAUGURATION BALL ON JAN. 20TH CAN SOMEONE MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE AND TAKE ME? I AM A SEXY WHITE FEMALE.” Your picture gets hers, but take note—she is “NOT INTO HEAD GAMES SO PLEASE BE REAL AND FUN.”

* What’s this—a reasonable inauguration-themed personals ad? This 40-year-old Montgomery County woman isn’t fishing for inauguration tickets or access to balls, and says she’d be just fine at “a private party with some hip, liberal thinking people.” The petite, divorced Jewish date-seeker writes that she is “somewhat new to the region, and not as well connected as I would like to be,” and that her dream inauguration date involves skipping the Mall to “watch it on a big screen with some good people!” Somebody, make her dream come true!

Photo of President Bush’s 2005 inauguration by eralon.

Want to get into an inaugural ball, but not interested in this guy? Or this guy? How about these guys? No? That special lady looking to feast on inaugural spoils without playing arm candy to male unknowns can instead use her thinky parts to pen an essay “of any length” about “what the inauguration means to you.” Awww!

Ten lucky winners will receive “[f]ree plane tickets for you and a guest, free hotel, plus tickets to the swearing-in ceremony for Barack Obama, the parade and one of the official balls,” reports Michael E. Ruane for the Washington Post’s “Inauguration Watch” blog.

Winners can, in turn, advertise their inaugural ball tickets on Craigslist in the hopes of securing a random stranger to invite along on the fanciest awkward social situation of the year!

Photo by by and by.

Who’s looking for inauguration week tail romance this week? A round-up!

* One 40-year-old visitor looking for a room to rent posted what looks like a perfectly reasonable ad, when viewed in your Google Reader: “Coming to the Inauguration. Looking for a room to rent close to the action. Must have nice clean condo, apartment or house. Please respond with your stats and rental rates. Would like to play a little! Let me know asap.” But click on the posting, and you will find a photo of this man’s penis, to which I will not link you! This is “men seeking men,” not “casual encounters,” good sir!

* That recently widowed “very nice man” from Old Town Alexandria is still looking for a dinner date—with the possibility of an inauguration ball follow-up. This time, the ticket-holder suggests “some wine pairing and delicious mezze/tapas” at Proof, followed by some museum-going. “Then—if you are feeling comfortable with me (which I will be attempting at all costs) perhaps we can take a quick stroll through the National Portrait Gallery across the street. It’s phenomenal!”

* This 56-year-old Takoma Park resident seeks some sober inauguration-week fun with a “partner in crime,” if not in drunkenness.

* This “in-shape landscaper” is off for the winter and heading to our fair city in January. He’s “in need or lodging (will pay) and possibly somebody to fuck around with.” Deal-breaker: He’s HIV-positive and seeking the same.

* This 28-year-old craigslister’s New Years resolution for 2009 is to “not pick up anyone from a bar.” The exceptions come fast: “St Patty Day, Cinco de Mayo, and any happy hour where its 2-4-1 Patron Tequila.” And? “Oh, and Inauguration week.

Photo by drstout.

FUNNY
witty
outgoing
engrossing
Jewish
Italian look
great Armani dresser
poignant
plenty of social gravitas
work in the media biz
divorced
stable
attractive
engaging
compelling
big-picture personality akin to NY/Wash./SF/LA renaissance

Whew! Doozy! Now, here are your stats, lucky refined lady:

very regal
presense–laden
powerful woman
black-business-suit woman
in her late 30’s, 40’s, mid 50’s
to be my femme fatale
sleek
power-driven
co-pilot
loves and relsihes the concept of being at the big to-do with an equally compelling man that sort of “gets it”.

Sort of. So, any thoughts on who this San Francisco “media biz” gravitas-having divorcee is?

From an inspired Vancouver woman: Seeking a sexual tyrannosaur for a romp in the park - w4m

I am a very career-focused, attractive, 5′9, 120lb woman who is seeking a man who is willing to fulfill my ultimate sexual fantasy. I am an executive with a very successful corporation that keeps me very busy and I sometimes have difficulty finding men who share similar interests to my own in the bedroom.

Nothing turns me on more then Jurassic Park themed role play. You must be the animatronic dinosaur, and I must be the helpless child (Tim or Lex) stuck in the park at your mercy.

You will growl mechanically into my ear and stare threateningly. I will feign panic and search for the flash light in the back seat of the visitor jeep. You will sniff at the window slowly and then release a robotic roar into the night air. I scream for Alan Grant, but your over sized robot jaws come crashing down through the overhead window, pinning me to the floor.

I cannot stress this enough however, you must play as a ROBOTIC dinosaur. This is very specific, my interest lie entirely in animatronic dinosaurs, not real ones. I thought I should mention this as there have been unfortunate miscommunications in the past, leading to performances that have left me without an orgasm.

Other situations could include you being the dilophasaurus and spitting in my face and then going for my jugular. Or you could be the ill and moaning triceratops, and I would be Ellie Sadler, digging through your stool to find the source of the ailment. More or less any scene from the film involving a mechanical dinosaur interacting with a human will do fine.

I don’t like wasting my time, so make sure you do your homework and watch the film and make sure you can fully embrace the mindset of an animatronic dinosaur. I am an incredibly sexual person and I would make it a blockbuster night that you would never forget.

Photo by cliff1066

As the inauguration nears, Craigslist has been a-flutter with the romantic overtures of dudes looking for inauguration ball arm-candy and other dudes looking for inauguration week couch-surfing-with-benefits. Your best bets:

* This man-seeking-man inauguration ticket offerer has a range of interests, including “hiking, backpacking, mountain biking, snowboarding, reading, writing, cooking, dining out, watching movies, dancing, exploring the city and good conversation.” Could you be his other interest? “I tend to like younger, or at least youthful, intelligent, energetic, interesting, skinny/lean guys who look at the world differently,” he writes. Interested parties could get more than just a dance: “I’m also well-endowed and pretty damn good in bed.”

* A recent widow based in Old Town Alexandria is hungry for French cuisine—and historic dancing. “I’m thinking about meeting at the nice French Restaurant La Gaulois in Old Towne, one of my favorite places. Wine, dinner, dessert on me,” he writes. “I also have passes to inaugural balls—we can talk about—if that is something you would be interested in accompanying me to.” For those with discerning dinner date standards, this Virginian comes highly recommended. He is a “very nice man, no children, upscale professional, nice house in Old Towne, former military leadership position, great job with job security, 6′3”, well cultured and well traveled.”

* This inauguration invite is strictly local—this ticket-holder seeks “an attractive woman who would like to go with me to the ball and maybe even the inauguration itself”—as long as she keeps it in the neighborhood. “Please live in DC near GW (like FB, Dupont, Georgetown, Logan, etc),” he writes. “I have heard that traffic is going to be horrible and don’t feel like getting stood up because some bridge is closed.”

* This 48-year-old inauguration week visitor seeks three days of “clean and bug free” housing for “sleeping and rejuvenating for the next day.” Interested renters net $150—and perhaps “a little fun.”

“One of my goals will be to pass out business cards foldable but I am trying to create. www.stopthemurders.org your picture gets mine,” he writes, adding: “I am 420 friendly but cannot participate.”

* This 56-year-old unemployed Philadelphian “will pay $25.00 to you, for the privilege of sleeping on your sofa for one night, Inauguration Eve.” The remainder of the post bears repeating:

I will provide my own food, probably take out.

All I require is a sofa, some blankets, and a sink for shaving, brushing teeth, and washing up.

I am quiet, will not disturb your routine. I will read or watch tv with you.

I will be gone first thing in the morning and will not need to return to your home after that.

Having said that, I am not crazy about long distance relationships. but I can return the favor if you travel to Philly and perhaps a friendship could develop.

Any race, any age, any religion.

If required, I can provide a photo ID (uploaded to email) in advance of completing the arrangement.

Thanks.

Photo by soundfromwayout.

Well, hello, there. Sorry if things have been sparse here as of late. I awoke yesterday with peculiarly large lymph nodes and  inner ears that seem to have gone scuba diving without my permission. But I’m hopping off to one ye olde urgent care center cold & flu mill this morning, where a medical doctor can hopefully inform me how I might go about not sounding like a classic movie nerd post-haste.

* Another guy claiming to be looking for a date to the inauguration is 52, loves “fresh seafood on the grill, roast chicken and fine wines,” looking to take you to “one of the department stores to purchase a gown or gowns—if you would like to attend more than one Gala with me.”

* Other Craigslisters, on the other hand, are advertising their interest in your inaugural gravy train, like this 40-year-old Kensington woman. She’s a charmer:

I have been in the DC/MD area for three years, and up until recently I was completely unimpressed, ney, disappointed with the “energy” of the area. However, like so many others, I have experienced the verve, excitement, and yes, the hope that permeates the air these past few weeks. . . . Therefore, I am very interested in attending the Ball!

* Via Slate: Barack Obama’s Presidency: kids ask, parents answer.

* Also in Slate, Christopher Hitchens completes his yearly curmudgeonly exercise of hating Christmas:

I have just flung aside my copy of the Weekly Standard, a magazine with a generally hardheaded and humorous approach to matters. It contains two seasonal articles that would probably not have made print were it not for the proximity to the said solstice. (To be fair, the same can be said of the article that you are reading, but I claim exemption under the terms of the “to hell with all that” amendment.)

* Evil Slutopia has a guide to how your holiday shopping can help women.

Photo via trialsanderrors.

* Something for everybody! While Barack Obama gets his inauguration on, D.C. will also play host to annual pro-life Roe v. Wade protest the March for Life and the Mid-Atlantic Leather Weekend.

* In case this inauguration date isn’t up your alley: Check out the other dudes seeking dates on Craigslist.

* Via the Washington Blade: Lou Chibbaro Jr. on last Thursday’s apparent hate crime inside Southeast’s Hong Kong Delite Carry Out.

* Pam’s House Blend has videos and photos from this weekend’s Gay and Lesbian Leadership Conference.

* In yesterday’s Washington Post Magazine “XX Files”: Wanda E. Fleming writes about surrendering to her surgeon after a cancer diagnosis and having her thyroid—and bra—removed:

She leads me to the operating table then suddenly whispers in a perfectly audible voice, “Oh, no! Why do you still have your bra on?” The attendants laugh, all three of them. Clueless, I join in. . . . She unhooks the back with the ease of a seasoned lingerie fitter. The confiscated item is pink with white lace, frilly and hopeful like something one might wear the night of a milestone anniversary. I clutch the back of my hospital gown and lie atop the table.

Photo via trialsanderrors.

Typically, an ad like this would disappear into the Internet ether of m4w personals, several hundred of which are posted in the Washington, D.C., metro area each day. But Harris, CEO of Harris Consulting Group, an information technology government consulting firm, holds this year’s personals trump card: He’s got two tickets to the inauguration, and an all-access pass to the night’s balls and off-shoot parties. Packages like that are being auctioned on eBay for upward of $7,000. A date with Harris is free—and hard to come by.

One week after posting the ad, Harris had received messages from 720 willing women. He’s yet to find one worthy of a response. Interested parties may contact Harris at harrisgroup2009@aol.com. Below, how to draft an e-mail that might catch Harris’ eye.

COVER THE BASICS. Interested inauguration dates must include a method of contact, be between the ages of 25 and 39, and be comfortable in ball gowns. Race is unimportant, but applicants must have “weight in proportion to height.”

INCLUDE A PHOTO. Forty-five percent of respondents to Harris’ ad haven’t included a photo. “That’s the first criteria,” says Harris, who adds that the requirement is more than simple vanity. With all the high profile parties to attend on Inauguration Day, Harris’ date “needs to be someone who doesn’t mind being photographed,” he says—”or being in the company of celebrities.” An additional 40 percent of respondents committed a similar gaffe: stating they didn’t even know how to attach a photograph to an e-mail. “Given the high volume of responses, I do not have time to teach someone how to do that, in this day and age,” says Harris.

BE MORE THAN THAT PHOTO. “Naturally, we’re all looking for someone that looks nice,” admits Harris. “But I was raised in a manner where beauty is only skin deep.” So while some with tickets to the Jan. 20 festivities are looking only for inaugural arm candy, Harris says he wants a date who will stay interesting “beyond the inauguration.” That means presenting yourself as “honest, caring, respectful, intelligent, fashionable, and a good conversationalist.” Harris also needs a woman who will be comfortable slipping out of that ball gown and donning “sweat socks and sweatshirt and jeans so we can just relax and cuddle around the fire.” Having nice legs doesn’t hurt, either. “Every man has one weakness,” says Harris. “Legs are my Achilles heel.”

PICK A TEAM NAME. ANY TEAM NAME. If you make it to the post-e-mail selection round—a cup of coffee—here are some tips to get the conversation rolling. Harris enjoys international travel, current events, and sports. All of them. “When it comes down to sitting down and watching them, I love all sports,” says Harris. “I can’t say I really have a favorite team,” he says—though an old allegiance to the Giants may still hold some weight.

DON’T ASK FOR TOO MUCH. Of the 15 percent of respondents who passed the photo hurdle, Harris says he’s heard from many suitable dates that meet his criteria. So far, those women don’t live in the area—and are expecting Harris to pay for transport. He won’t.

NO HATERS. Obama’s will be the first inauguration to which Harris will have the chance to invite a date, but he says the tickets came to him by “being in the right place at the right time,” not politics. Harris keeps his own views “close to the vest”—accordingly, potential dates need not have voted for the president-elect to get on Harris’ ticket. “But naturally, I would not want to be with a person who is a ‘hater’ of the person we’re celebrating,” he adds. “That would prove to be very uncomfortable.”

DROP SOME PORTUGUESE. Harris is currently studying the language to help maximize his annual trips to Brazil’s Carnival. Harris says he holds a penthouse apartment on Copacabana beach, which he makes use of during the festivities each February. Harris says that willing inaugural dates may soon become Brazilian penthouse guests. “I’m going alone to Brazil,” he says. “I would love to have this date, if the friendship matures to that level, accompany me on my travels.”

BE SENSITIVE. Harris is mending a broken heart—his ex-girlfriend recently broke up with him, three weeks before Thanksgiving and two months before the inauguration. “I wish I could take a pill to make the pain go away,” says Harris, who says the new flood of interested women is a big shift from his last missive with his ex. “She broke up with me via e-mail,” he says.

Forget post-election sex. We’re on to for-trade inauguration prostitution!

When Barack Obama became president-elect of the United States, Washingtonians made sure that eight years of Bush administration rule came to an appropriate end.

The anticipation for an Obama presidency began as a casual flirtation with his 2004 DNC speech, mounted with two years of election-season foreplay, and finally culminated in a clusterfuck when the election was called at 11 p.m. on Nov. 4. The celebration was a double entendre of epic proportions—an orgasmic display of patriotism by thousands of wet people who erupted into the rainy streets of Washington to remove their clothing, embrace strangers, and engage in unbridled dancing.

Some Washingtonians ventured to take the analogy further.
“There was a pent-up desire for the Democrat to win, and when he did, his supporters wanted to manifest it in their own lives in a very real way,” says Brian, 42, an Obama supporter. Obama’s win provided the most likely scenario for getting laid this decade. But unlike local campaign staffers, who had been sowing the seeds of election-night hook-ups since the primaries, some locals were hard-pressed to find a historical hook-up. “That’s where my ad came in,” says Brian.

Shortly after Obama’s win, Brian registered the e-mail address celebratorysex@yahoo.com—”I couldn’t believe it wasn’t taken,” he says—and began trolling for some post-election coitus. Brian posted the address in a Craigslist personals ad requesting some help filling the sexual void left in the wake of political upheaval. “I am so excited by the election that I am very horny. I want to grab a willing partner by the hair and take her in a mad, passionate, kinky and rough manner,” Brian wrote. “Looking for someone who was so turned on by the results and wants to celebrate passionately with a tall, take-charge white man.”

Brian says he received responses from 25 to 30 “willing partners” within days. He then narrowed down the pool of interested parties in order to engage in celebratory sex—with real women, he says—on election night, the night after, and the night after that. Though the meetings were inspired by Obama, Brian says the sex act remained the same. “We both know why we’re turned on,” he says of his post-election meet-ups with live humans who actually exist. “It’s the normal type of get-together, but it’s spiced up because we’re extremely passionate.” Brian says his post-election sexual prospects—which are definitely real—show no signs of slowing. “It is my hope that this will continue for the next eight years,” he says.

Brian checks his inbox at celebratorysex@yahoo.com a couple times per day, looking to capitalize on any leftover sexual energy from the campaign. Others search for partners without the help of an election sex inbox. Some—lusting after a long-held campaign crush or a new election night honey—joined Votergasm. The bipartisan movement, begun by a group of recent college graduates in 2004, urged young people to vote on Election Day—then to have sex with fellow poll-goers while withholding sex from nonvoters. Votergasm inspired six election-night parties in the District of Columbia alone, ranging from the official D.C. Votergasm party at Lucky Bar—which touted “a safe, neutral, fun environment” for swinging politicos—to a massage therapist offering free election night massages to “single ladies” who met the masseuse’s requirements: “must be registered to vote and sexy.”

A search of Craigslist’s personal ads reveals hundreds of Washingtonians who seized upon the election’s sexual punning opportunities, with plays-on-words ranging from “defeat Bush” to “hanging chad.” From Nov. 1 through Nov. 7, 91 Craigslist ads included the term “election,” and 45 included “Obama.” By contrast, only six mentioned McCain and four noted erstwhile political sex object Sarah Palin. And although it was overwhelmingly victors requesting the post-election spoils, some red voters also hit the Internet seeking consolation prizes. In a posting entitled “Hate Sex Now,” a 26-year-old Arlington man wrote, “I’m the only guy in Arlington who didn’t vote for Obama. Where is the only girl who didn’t vote for him who feels like commiserating together? . . . While at it, some good hate sex sounds like a plan to me.”

Whether or not these calls for willing candidates resulted in actual sex is unclear. Brian’s sexual “windfall” aside, other post-election fantasizing hasn’t been met with such a mandate.

One Election Day Craigslist poster, who wished to remain anonymous, is not convinced that “a bunch of horny wits opportunistically appropriating material from the election cycle for anonymous CL propositions” resulted in more people actually getting laid. His posting—”Celebrate! Roleplay! Tonight: Me? Obama. You? Michelle“—outlined an election-night scenario wherein two partners with “epicurean tastes, but Spartan lifestyles” would join forces to end election night with some “deliriously triumphant” sex. The poster, a 47-year-old man, posted an open-shirted photograph of his torso to help jump-start the role-playing. He received no responses.

Another poster appropriated campaign literature in an attempt to have sex. “Yes we can celebrate the election results by having a casual encounter,” he wrote. The poster, who wished to remain anonymous, proceeded to drop modifications of the “Yes we can” construction eight more times in the 85-word post. “I considered the Obama election as reason to celebrate. And I thought maybe an outstanding young lady would like to celebrate with me,” he told me later. “I thought wrong, apparently, based on the responses I received”—for the most part, spam.

Brian’s success notwithstanding, the “Yes We Can” poster submits one possibility for his failure to capitalize on the palpable sexual energy that accompanied Obama’s win: “Perhaps it would be more fitting for women to hook up with a bright, dynamic African-American instead of a professional white guy such as myself.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery.

Online listing mecca Craigslist and has reached an agreement with 40 states and the District of Columbia “to tame its notoriously unruly ‘erotic services’ listings,” the New York Times reports. Craigslist, which has an extensive “personals” section—including the sex-specific “casual encounters“—often sees prostitutes and Johns listing for-pay services along with solicitations for unfunded hook-ups.

The purging of paid sex services on the site came after Connecticut attorney general Richard Blumenthal contacted Craigslist on behalf of 40 states. Blumenthal “sent a letter to Craigslist demanding that it purge the site of such material and better enforce its own rules against illegal activity, including prostitution.” The agreement between the states and Craigslist is aimed at identifying the posters who advertise erotic services, reports NYT.

In March, Craigslist began asking its erotic services advertisers to provide a phone number, which an automated system calls. The system reads a series of digits, which the advertiser types into a Web page as verification before the ad will appear on the site. Craigslist said that ended most of the illicit material. Under the broader agreement announced Thursday, Craigslist is going further, asking that advertisers provide valid identification. It said that it will charge erotic services vendors a small fee for each ad—$5 to $10, Mr. Buckmaster said—and require that they use a credit card for the payment. This, theoretically, will let the company confirm users’ identities. It will donate the money to charities, including those that combat child exploitation and human trafficking.

But even if a prostitute or John offers up valid ID when posting their ads, how many of these people will really be prosecuted for offering “200 ROSES” for a couple hours of “DEEP TISSUE MISSAGE”?

Photo by Mugley.

For the discerning online dater, picks from the Craigslist litter.

Missed Connections: Saw you on 17th St, then the Diner

A: Unreported
S: w4w
L: Dupont, Adams Morgan

First Impression: Group effort. ” You: Short dark hair, black hoodie. Walking down the street with some guy. Us: Three brunettes. ”

Fantasy Fulfillment: Better smoker than straight. ” One stopped mid-sentence to stare out the window as she realized you were the same person we stared at earlier, now outside smoking with that guy. Then we thought we saw you make out a little bit. Or maybe you were just lighting your cigarette. Either way, we were bummed you were still with that guy. Awkward.”

Heart to Heart: We have ways of making you bi. “But then, he put you in a cab and sent you on your way. And we vowed to write a missed connection, since if you didn’t go home with him, there’s a chance maybe you’d want to hang out some time. With any of us. Or all of us.”

—
Casual Encounters: drinks, 420, and whater happens

A: 28
S: “m4w, mm4ww, mm4w – mm4ww”
L: “Hotel Rt 1 Alexandria”

First Impression: Double date . . . and then some. ” 2 guys Celebrating a birthday Looking 2 celebrate,” they write. “and then some.”

Personality Quirks: Date rape is in the details. “Drinks, smoke and whatever happens happens. ”

Heart to Heart: High-maintenance hookups need not apply. “Both attractive, both down to earth. No pressure, no drama, just fun.”

—

Misc. Romance: Behold! The Amazing Lickalottapuss (Cunnilingus Maximus)

A: Unreported
S: m4w
L: Alexandria

First Impression: Ugh, gross. “The Lickalottapuss is an unusual species – one that survives and thrives by giving pleasure to women in need. He has been hibernating lately, but has now awakened and seeks new playmates.”

Pet Names: What … on Earth possessed you to post the following: “The Lickalottapuss is a natural-born giver that does not require anything in exchange for its ministrations. Your satisfaction is all the Lickalottapus needs, and his talents ensure that the Lickalottapuss always gets what he needs.”

Heart to Heart: Oh, seriously, yuck.  “The Lickalottapuss prefers to eat in the warmth of a thick jungle, but rampant deforestation efforts have forced the Lickalottapuss to adapt to all terrain. But a woman with a heavily forested jungle would be wise to inform the Lickalottapuss that she is in possession of such a location for his temporary home.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

For the discerning online dater, daily picks from the Craigslist litter.

Strictly Platonic: Will you accompany me to a Viennese Waltz Ball in November?

A: 43
S: w4m
L: “Washington & vicinity”

First Impression: Only the finest Internet trolls need apply. “I’m looking for an experienced dancer to accompany me to an elegant ball in November.”

In Search Of: A Clooney. “Anglo-Saxon or European background highly desirable. To keep a proper proportion you would need to be at least 5′9″ tall, complement my Parisian blue gown by being willing to wear a tux, be single between the ages 38-48. Please have a positive disposition, ability to intelligently converse, be cultured and a gentleman.”

Heart to Heart: Too good to be true. “Cheers, Gigi”

—

Missed Connections: Disney in March

A: 36
S: m4w
L: Richmond

First Impression: “I saw U at Disney World on the monorail. You were with your mom helping her wiht her walker. We talked.”

Memorable Features: Stands out from the regular Disney crowd. “I had brown hair and brown eyes.”

Heart-to-Heart: Seven months later, still misses the connection. “I thought you looked nice.”

—

Misc. Romance: I’ve got no soul to sell

A: 27
S: w4w
L: Unreported

First Impression: Nearly as interesting as a robot-generated Spam e-mail. “I can be shy but I also have a great sense of humor. I like a good laugh and spending time with friends and family. I like going out but also love staying in and watching a good DVD.”

Extracurricular Activities: When pressed, describes self as “unique.” “I’ve got a wide variety of interests and find it hard to put myself as a ‘type.’”

Heart to Heart: Finally. “When I win the lottery I plan to travel the world and bring home a dragon or unicorn.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

NEED SARAH PALIN LOOKALIKE ASAP FOR ADULT FILM (LA)

Looking for a Sarah Palin lookalike for an adult film to be shot in next 10 days.

Major adult studio.
Please send pix, stats etc. ASAP
Pay: $2000-3000
No anal required

For the discerning online dater, picks from the Craigslist litter.

Missed Connections: Fierce Jorts on U St.

A: w4m
S: Unreported
L: U Street

First Impression: No, not you … the other one in the jorts. “You: strolling down U st. with your friend on Saturday night. You were both wearing fantastic pairs of jean shorts.”

About Me: No different from everyone else who spotted you in those jorts. “Me: too intimidated to tell you how fierce your jorts were. They were.”

Heart to Heart: Jorts fantasy nonsexual. “You should wear them…all the time.”

—

Strictly Platonic: Beautiful ladies of the DMV Let’s Hang!!!

A: 26
S: w4w
L: D.C., Maryland, and Virginia

First Impression: Get in line. “Beautiful ladies of the DMV if you know how to carry yourself, can distinguish trashy from classy and are attractive and professional then we should be BFF’s!”

Just Not That Into You: Looks still important. “Just be STRAIGHT and the TOTAL PACKAGE…’cause at 5′5 36-24-36, I know I am!!!! . . . Confidence is a MUST so lets trade e-mails and our pretty pics and hang out and make the men drool!”

Heart to Heart: Serious about that DMV. “NO NOT RESPOND IF . . . You do not have a car.”

—

Misc. Romance: An Anonymous Kiss

A: 35
S: m4w
L: D.C. Metro Area

First Impression: Long time kisser, first-time poster. “I want to try something different. . . . We will have never seen each other before, and we will never see each other again. We will not have exchanged pictures. Other than a few emails, we will be total strangers. . . . We’ll embrace and kiss. Make out with each other. Get lost in the moment.”

Need Not Apply: Clingy kiss and tells. “I’m not looking for a relationship.”

Heart to Heart: Puts the “on and on” in anonymous. “I can tell you that I’m tall, slender, healthy, and clean. Reddish-blond hair. Blue eyes. No beer gut. No facial hair. Nothing contagious. Although perhaps a bit of a bad boy at heart, I’m also educated, polished, and professional. I’ve been told multiple times that I’m a good kisser, and I’ve also been told that I’m pretty cute. If we’re going to do this, you should be able to tell me some similar things about yourself, and your description should be accurate. You don’t have to be single, but I don’t want to know the details. You don’t have to be exactly my type (whatever that means) because, who knows, I may not be exactly your type either. But I also don’t want to kiss a troll, and I can promise you that I am definitely not one myself. Just be honest so there are no disappointments.

Misc. Romance: Ethnic/exotic married woman: wow me with your mystery

A: 43
S: m4w
L: D.C. metro area

First Impression: Utopian fetishist. “Beauty is diversity. Variety is the spice of life. That is what makes this land of mosaic or melting pot anything but boring.”

It Is So Ordered: Craigslist-as-prophecy. “With a unique combination of ethnicity, culture and grace you evoke a charm too seductive to be resistible. You are intelligent, refined, and think globally. And you are open to the possibility of filling your marital void with a heart-warming friendship, which can develop into a graceful intimacy.”

Heart to Heart: Don’t answer that. “Who else can appreciate your mystery with right affection and tenderness but an ethnic married man?”

For the discerning online dater, daily picks from the Craigslist litter.

Missed Connections: Thank you, mature woman in my yoga class

A: 30
S: m4w
L: Takoma Park

First Impression: Body over mind. “Spirituality awakening is great and all, but you awaken other parts of me that in the very short term, feel much better than spirituality.”

Coy Glances: A stretch of the imagination. “Pardon my forwardness, but this is an anonymous post which I assume you will never read, so I must say: I have never had a boner in yoga class. Until yesterday.”

Heart to Heart: Take a bow. “Yoga usually makes me more limber. But thank you, beautiful mature woman, for leaving me stiffer. . . . Namaste.”

—

Strictly Platonic: ARE THERE ANY SEX AND THE CITY GIRLS AROUND NOVA?

A: 41
S: w4w
L: Reston, Va.

First Impression: Carrie seeks Samantha. “I am still fairly new to the area and I’m seriously in need of meeting and making a few females friends to hang out with and have fun together. Just like in the T.V. show ‘Sex in the City.’”

Must Have Hobbies: Reston is no Manhattan. “Hopefully I can meet a few women around my age for friendship to go out dancing, bowling, karaoke, movies, happy hour and whatever else there is to do that is fun and will keep me off the couch.”

Heart to Heart: Sometimes, likes the couch. “by the way…I still have not seen the movie.”

—

Misc. Romance: Sorority Keyholders For Male In Chastity Device

A: Unreported
S: m4w
L: Unreported

First Impression: A dreamer. “I am a submissive male who would like to pay a local sorority house to serve as keyholders for the keys to my locking chastity device.”

No Time To Talk: Just google it. “If you’re not familiar with this practice, just enter “keyholder” and “chastity” in your search engine.”

Heart to Heart: Will hold keys for beer. “I would pay a modest monthly fee but it would probably be enough to cover a monthly party for the house.”

For the discerning online dater, daily picks from the Craigslist litter.

Misc. Romance: Cougar needed for Boy-Toy: ARE YOU HER??

A: Cougar
S: m4w
L: “Erotic-ville”

First Impression: Cougar 4 cougar. “I need to find MY replacement for my BOY-TOY to play with…. I am a married older lady (over 55 and yes…a Cougar) who has been visiting the DC area off and on over the past 2 years. In the process I found a BOY-TOY who is just an absolute joy to know and get close with.”

Close Comforts: If you love him, set him free. “Unfortunately, I will not be able to visit DC for at least the next 2-3 years. . . . To understand what kind of man he is, he offered to wait for me, but I cannot stand the thought of him being lonely and frustrated for the next 2-3 years, so I said no.”

Heart to Heart: Surprise party. “(HE DOES NOT KNOW I AM POSTING THIS!!!!)”

—

Misc. Romance: Coeds-Wax/Nair Generous WM from Neck Down

A: Unreported
S: m4w
L: Unreported

First Impression: Charity case. “Generous WM desires to receive total depillation from toes to chin in your girls dormitory or sorority house.”

Rush Week: Hazing welcomed. “Bonus for other torments or humiliations.”

Heart to Heart: Nothing personal. “My wishes would be that any girls who want to watch can but that I am masked for any photos or videos.”

—

Strictly Platonic: I will teach you Math/Science and you teach me …

A: 32
S: m4w
L: Maryland

First Impression: Wants your digits. “I am passionate about Maths and Physics.”

Personal Kink: Feel his pain. “Now my work does not use of any these and I beginning to forget which is painful to me. So I want to find somebody whom I can teach these things to.”

Heart to Heart: Despite creepy ellipses in title, not I.S.O. dominatrix. “In return it will be awesome if you can teach me a your language which hopefully is not English. For example any Asian language or Spanish or European language. That will be fun!”

Missed Connections: looking for my footies friend from reston library

A: 34
S: m4m
L: Reston

First Impression: Meet too-cute. “i know this is a long shot.back in ‘00/’01 we met at the reston library to play footies.”

Second Date: A change of scenery. “then we met at river bend park to play footies there.”

Heart to Heart: A giver. “we gave each other a pair of our sneakers. if you see this please email me”

Misc. Romance: Massages—Heated table, Oils, Lotions, Candles, Music, References

A: 35
S: m4w
L: Centreville, Va.

First Impression: Detail-oriented. “The room is lit with numerous candles. The table is warm, padded with pillow like foam and is lined with soft sheets. You have a choice of oils and lotions both scented and unscented. Music plays softly.”

Relationship Style: Doesn’t play. “I have been told I am very athletic, handsome and attractive. . . . We can also talk on the phone if you wish so you know this is not a game but an amazing offer.”

Heart to Heart: Results you can see. “The pictures below are of actual clients who gave the ok for me to take and use their picture.” [includes photos of two women's backsides].

—

Strictly Platonic: Anyone up to grab dinner around 8 p.m. today?

A: 26
S: w4m
L: Northwest D.C.

First Impression: Not looking for a date. “It doesn’t have to be a date—-why can’t two opposite gender persons, whose happen to be friendly, easy on the eyes, atypical DC young professionals, happy, and healthy conscious, meet up and simply share a light dinner.”

Dating Style: N/A. “I am simply just tired of how many kids in DC think that if I put on a nice dress and grab dinner with a guy—then it must be a date.”

Heart to Heart: Not ready to date. “Don’t worry, I’m not looking for a date.”

For the discerning dater, daily picks from Craigslist’s litter.

Misc. Romance: Discreet Married Guy Seeks Older Woman

A: 59
S: m4w
L: Northern Virginia

First Impression: Actually, no. “Did you think your sex life was over?”

Has Priorities: In that order: “I’m retired, educated, sane, attractive, virile, tall, slender, extremely well endowed.”

Heart to Heart: Excuse the scare quotes. “My fantasy is to bring a ’senior’ woman to orgasm.”

Missed Connections: Big Black Man Exercising Downtown

A: Unreported
S: no, just “exercise.”
L: D.C.

First Impression: Let’s recap. “You were the BIG Black Man exercising under the pavillion in the old convention center parking lot.”

I.S.O.: An activity partner. “If you have any interest in ‘working out’ with a muscular masculine rugger-built white guy, hit me up…”

Heart to Heart: Love at first squat. “When you started doing your leg lunges/stretches–WOW!!!”

—

Women Seeking Men: looking for christian guy

A: 22
S: w4m
L: Stafford, Virg.

First Impression: Flammable. “Iam look for man who is funny doesn’t mind stay home and watch TV or just talking . . . will help his girl stay on fire for god .”

Age Range: Young soul. “iam a very out doors kind of person . I love to watch christian show and movies that for teens .”

Heart to Heart: Old Yeller off-limits. “I love to play with my dogs . I love to read books about people .”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

For the discerning online dater, The Sexist’s daily picks from the Craigslist litter.

Women Seeking Men: Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tame

A: 29
S: w4m
L: Maryland

First Impression: Light baggage. “Thanks for reading my ad! I am sick of men who lie, cheat and pretend to love you when in fact they don’t!”

Collector’s Items: Short one man. “Anyways, I have 2 dogs, 1 cat, and a car.”

Heart to Heart: Personality optional. “Anyhow I’m looking for someone who is willing to spend time with me, treat me right and appreciate what I have to give them.”

—

Men Seeking Women: Make love to my mind and the rest is history …

A: Unreported
S: m4w
L: Bethesda

First Impression: Poet, and knows it. “I am smart, sexy, resilient and strong. / I will do our laundry in my silk undershorts.”

Divine Inspiration: Understands women. “I know you want us to listen, to share many things. / I know at times you want to be lifted by our angel wings.”

Heart to Heart: Do not fuck with him. “I can’t carry a tune, but will sing a love song. / I will be your biggest fan, until you do me wrong.”

—

Misc. Romance: Are u attached but Frustrated? feeling Unfulfilled? I OFFER WARMTH…

A: 32
S: m4w
L: Fairfax

First Impression: GENTLE, SOFT, TENDER. “Are you married? Attached? AND MISS SOME OF THE GENTLE, SOFT, TENDER LOVE making you used to have–if you yearn for that “spark” of PASSION, OF FEELING APPRECIATED, DESIRED—if you miss gentleness EVEN ON An on and off, DISCREET basis–then please read on.”

Additional Details: N/A

Last Impression: TOO PASSIONATE TO GO ON:

FIRST a bit more about me: I’m college-educated (5 year professional degree) and my own business

Location: Ffx
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

For the discerning online dater, The Sexist’s daily picks from the Craigslist litter.

Missed Connections: the bar at the black cat on wednesday night

A: 22
S: w4m
L: “black cat”

First Impression: Needle in a haystack. “i think we might have exchanged some glances last night at the bar downstairs at the black cat?”

Casual Cool: Can’t be bothered with capitalization; physical markers include “headband.”

Heart to Heart: Leaves intrusive come-ons for the morning after. “i was going to wink at you, but i’m pretty sure that’s something creeps do. so i didn’t.”

Strictly Platonic: Honest opinion about my stache

A: N/A
S: N/A
L: His face

First Impression: The jig is up. “So here’s whats going on. My company has been doing a mustache competition at the office and it ends tomorrow.”

Love is Blind: Links to survey to vote for the mustaches of Mark Dildine, Josh Frey, Daniel Zadoff, Tom McDougall, Joseph Roberts, or Drake Smyth; doesn’t identify self.

Heart to Heart: Seeking validation. “So far the voting seems pretty biased so, who better to answer than people on the internet.”

—

Strictly Platonic: Wanting A Wizard Friend in a Muggle World

A: 28
S: m4w
L: D.C., Maryland, and Virginia

First Impression: Straight to the point. “Love Harry Potter, science fiction and fantasy stories and films.”

Virtual Insanity: A tad naive. ” I was hoping to make some new friends and Craigslist seemed like as good a place as any.”

Heart to Heart: Worth repeating. “If you are into laid back, friendly, funny, nice guys for fun friendly moments I hope to hear from you.”

For the discerning online dater, The Sexist delivers your daily picks of the Craigslist litter.

Misc Romance: WHERE HAVE ALL THE COUGARS GONE???????????????????????????????????????

A: 30
S: m4w
L: Capitol Heights, MD/P.G. County

First Impression: Inquisitive. “Did they all move to another planet, or perhaps their own private island somewhere??? It seems like you always here about Cougars, yet where are they at???”

Endearing Quirk: An old-fashioned sensibility. “NOTE: I will NOT respond to any gmail email addresses, so don’t waste your time.”

Heart-to-Heart: Knows what he wants. “Not overly concerned about looks . . . A picture would also be appreciated, since you have already seen mine.”

—

Strictly Platonic: Wanted: Gay Man to Hang Out With My Girlfriend

A: 33
S: “w4m” [technically, m4m]
L: Washington, D.C.

First Impression: Sporty sweetheart. “Now that football season is upon us, I will not be able to spend as much time with my girlfriend as she would like.”

Experimental Streak: Str8 bois need not apply. “What I’m looking for is a gay man to spend Sundays with my woman until the Superbowl is over. I don’t mean to discriminate against you straight men but, quite frankly, I don’t really trust you. Besides, you’ll probably be watching football, too.”

Heart-to-Heart: Sick of the run-around. “Serious replies only.”

—

Missed Connections: You asked why your pants were wet on Saturday morning

A: 25
S: m4m
L: Adams Morgan

First Impression: Met cute. “So we met on Friday night. I was a drunken mess…so I have no idea how it happened. But I asked you and you said it was at Duplex Diner.”

Fashion Plate: Details, details, details. “[Y]ou asked me why your pants were wet…but I had no idea.”

Heart to Heart: A good listener. “Maybe your name was Thomas? I think that’s what you told me when I asked.”

Photo by Darrow Montgomery