Today, Mediate reported that Man Crunch, the gay dating Web site whose men-kissing Super Bowl ad was rejected by CBS, may be hiding a less-than-progressive agenda. This makes so much sense.

Mediaite's evidence: (1) Man Crunch's literature says that the Web site is for men on the "down low," i.e. they are trapped in the closet; (2) Man Crunch is owned by Avid Life Media, the parent company that also owns extramarital affair facilitator Ashley Madison; (3) both Web sites are perfect for repressed conservative men who want to have great sex without abandoning their politically expedient facade.

But don't take it from me. Watch the ad closely: Those kissing dudes? They never even kiss. They just kind of rub their faces into each others' shoulders for a few seconds. Perfect for the dude that's into other dudes, but is nevertheless totally grossed out by gay stuff.

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation's capital's collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of romance born out of  aggressive homophobia?

This week: pro-life gay man worries that if he could have children, his pro-choice boyfriend might kill them; how to talk to a girl without being a creep; your boyfriend is cheating on you to avoid rumors he's on the down low.

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: In this edition of the AU Eagle's triple-threat sex column, Buster Darkhole, Maxwell Hillcrest, and Amber Sparkles take on the issue of  . . . ideological rifts in on-campus relationships. How apropos!

The inspiration: A pro-life man writes in to ask if his crush on a pro-choice man is too immoral to pursue. "While he and I can’t have children, it’s more the idea that if we had children he would be OK with killing them," he writes. "Is this enough to kill a relationship?” I bet you weren't expecting Buster Darkhole's response: "let me just say that it is a relief to find another pro-life gay on this campus."

Life Lesson: The American University community contains at least two pro-life gay men.

Progressive Meter: Sorry, my brain just exploded attempting to accurately gauge the progressiveness of this situation. I think we'll split the odds and go for a 5.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND

Sex Tips: The Diamondback's latest advice column schools undergrads on how to "start up a conversation without seeming creepy." Columnist Esti Frischling's suggestion: " The rule is this: Any guy can get any girl. . . .  If you approach this situation knowing without a doubt that you are going to get some serious ass, your actual chances improve drastically," she writes. "Seeing as you already know you’re going to get with this girl in the near future, you can certainly start to relax around her. Suddenly, imagining her naked in class changes from awkward and creepy to fun and clairvoyant. . . . Keep in mind: You are the man."

Life Lesson: She wants to fuck you.

Progressive Meter: Assuming that a strange woman wants to have sex with you whenever you like will inevitably lead to complications. As one commenter notes, it ain't the first time she's doled out this advice. So much for the "without seeming creepy" part. Zero.

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HOWARD UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: In this Howard University Hilltop opinion piece, Morgan Winbush attempts to get to the bottom of Howard's "dating double standard." She writes: "in a man’s world; you have to be on top of everything including your woman and your relationships. . . . Messing around with other women feed into the need for a man to feel as if he is needed. The more women who 'need' him the more he is solidified as a man possessing the qualities that are 'manly' and thusly proving himself to be the leader of the pack when it comes to female dependency. 'Is he gay?' 'Is he on the DL?' — the more female partners a man has the less likely these labels will be placed on him." But aggressively proving one's heterosexuality ain't just for men any more: "times have progressed and women want just as much ego rubbing as their counterparts."

Life Lesson: Your boyfriend is cheating on you so that nobody thinks he's gay. At least now you can get in on the homophobic fun, too.

Progressive Meter: Winbush makes a good-faith effort to encourage fellow students to embrace female promiscuity alongside the traditional male version. In the meantime, she raises the specter of the guy on the "down low" without even giving a positive shout-out to the campus LGBT contingent. Three.

Photo by Ollie Crafoord, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

The fight for ideological dominance of D.C.'s college sex column "movement" rages on. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of borrowed class rings and shoulder-draped letter jackets? This week: A two-timing columnist receives a smackdown; college kids tell you not to have casual sex; the "MRS degree" makes a comeback.

GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: No new sex columns have been printed over at the Hatchet since female columnist Layla confessed she was fucking her best friend and male columnist Mr. Darcy outed his little virgin/whore complex. There has, however, been a bit of community push-back to Darcy's double-timing the "nice girl" and the "freaky girl" while he waited for the "nice freaky girl" of his dreams to show up on his doorstep. "Bravo to this studly, virile man, who has so many girls drooling after him," wrote Kristen McCarthy, a senior. "There is nothing we females like more than a complete tool who jerks us around, jumping from one girl to the next, and then decides to 'have [his] cake and eat it too.' . . . . The worst part? The author's audacity to call himself Mr. Darcy. I can assure you that Miss Austen would never have stood for that behavior in a Darcy."

Life Lesson: Choose your pseudonym wisely. Good luck: Buster Darkhole is already taken.

Progressive Meter: Calling a tool a tool is a treasured feminist pastime, and reclaiming Austen was a necessary move. But no woman can speak for all females: Some girls like jumping around, too. 7

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: The latest gem mined from the AU Eagle's Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest reveals an ideological rift between the trio of sex columnists. Each columnist took turns answering the question, "How long to wait to have sex?" Hillcrest took the philosophical route: "But by asking, you are halfway on the road to your answer," he writes. Darkhole is short on specifics: "I would say try not to have it too soon." And Sparkles sidelines 'em all with her requisite conservative bent. "If you like someone enough to be interested in dating her or him or already are dating them, having sex could be a good experience. . . . As long as you are having sex because you like the person and would be interested in building your relationship, there isn’t a time that is too early or too late. But if your reasons are otherwise, then maybe you should think again."

Life lesson: Don't hit it unless you plan on hitting it for the rest of the semester.

Progressive Meter: Hillcrest hits the nail on the head when he tells students the only way to figure out if they're ready to do it is to "talk to your partner." Sparkles' advice to only sex someone you're "interested in dating," not so much. Why not try having sex with someone you're interested in having sex with? 5

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GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY

Sex Tips: Columnist Colleen Leahey's latest informs students about why people you are hooking up with lie to you. The column, typically, includes some strange ideas about men (from Mars) and women (Venus). Among them:

• "Men and women have forever had difficulties communicating with one another."
• "Guys seem to be puzzled by the complex and utterly confusing mind games of women; females can’t seem to cope with the simplistic, one-track male thought-process."
• "Guys are notoriously stereotyped by society as players. After several beers, they’re only after 'one thing.'"
• "Not every college female is interested in graduating with her M.R.S. degree; some only want to have fun."

The column also includes one extremely strange imagined scenario about what hooking up in college is like: "Perhaps their beer goggles were a bit too tight that night. Seeing as you two never made specific rules concerning exclusivity, the hot bro or chick smiling across the bar may seem extraordinarily appealing under the glow of Thirds’ neon totem pole. However, the morning light reveals a pudgy, acne-covered mistake with really bad breath. How mortifying!"

Life lesson: The "M.R.S. degree" reference was enough to tip us off that we're dealing with an old, old soul here. The scare quotes around "one thing" and the exclamation point following "mortifying" seal the deal. Grandmother? Is that you in there?

Progressive Meter: Well, at least not "every" woman only went to college to get married. Zero.

Photo by riptheskull