In the two years I've written The Sexist, I've offended Catholics, sorority sisters, former homosexuals, Tucker Max fans, breast massagers, a child's sense of innocence, the Huffington Post, heterosexual men, librarians, and the producer of a novelty product designed to keep a man's balls dry when receiving oral sex. And all I got was this CockBib.

OK. Two CockBibs:

The CockBibs—for the uninitiated, the product description clarifies that "BASICALLY... Its A Bib With A D*ck Hole In It!"—arrived unexpectedly by post last Friday, after more than a year of silence from the mysterious inventor of the novelty sexual accessory.

When we last left our inventor, he was defending the "pure comedy" of a baby-sized bib designed to inform your sexual partners that your penis "may cause" them "trauma"—or maybe just "kill" their "pussy." He was also hard at work planning an upcoming line of CockBibs aimed at women ("They will have saying like 'You call that a D*ck'…LOL," he told me at the time). Then, the inventor ceased returning e-mails—and the CockBib website expired.

Fourteen months later: Not one, but two CockBibs, wrapped in plastic and shipped in a  manila envelope with a return address label for a cell phone parts company arrive at my desk. The proportions are generous: I can slide the designated penis hole on these things clear past my elbow. Touché, inventor. But what does it all mean? "Prepare for the driest blow job of your life"? Or perhaps: "Time to throw in the CockBib."

I'm afraid it's the latter.

And so, this will be my final post on The Sexist. And I'd like to thank every person who read this blog and commented on it and shared their stories with me and argued with me and fact-checked me and professionally gchatted with me and tolerated my CockBib jokes here over the past two years. Next month, I'll begin covering sex and gender for the yet-to-launch local website TBD.com. Until then, you can find me on my personal e-mail, or, as always, on Twitter.

As for The Sexist: After a time, the comments sections on these posts will begin to shut their lights and close their doors. You don't have to go home, but you might want to mosey on over to the rest of the content the City Paper has to offer. And stay tuned: In the future, the blog may yet rise again, not unlike the CockBib, with another sex-and-gender columnist at the helm.

Photographs graciously taken by Darrow Montgomery.

Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. "The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,'Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,'" the device's inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. "I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob."

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy's proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call "the original cockbib." When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the "original" CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. "I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?" he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com's CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories "Caution: May Cause Trauma" and "Pussy Killer." Let's check 'em out!

5. "When Swallowing Is ... Not an Option!" The informative CockBib.

4. "Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full!" With a name like "CockBib," the infantalization was inevitable.

3. "Daddy's Little Squirt." When your product works equally well as a CockBib and a baby bib, you know you're doing something very, very wrong.

2. "Bride Breathalizer": For the pre-wedding date rape.

1. "Road Love . . . It's What Makes A Subaru, A Subaru." Gross. My parents have a Subaru.

A Hierarchy of Date-Rape Jams, a charticle that is totally invalidated if you hate Rod Stewart.

(How to Enginer A) Teen Sex Scandal!, for those of you clinging to your old media jobs

Who Can Make a Rape Joke?, but seriously folks.

My Body is Not Defined By Pregnancy, rather: tacos.

The Five Most Inappropriate Cock-Bib Phrases, and oooooh I cannot wait to get my very own CockBib in the mail!

Photo by pheezy

They came, they researched, they let us in on a "little secret". Now, "CockBibs," the first novelty item for keeping your genitals creepily dry, are officially available for sale. And the Inventor of the CockBib has reached out to the females to let them know that CockBibs are for us, too (and certainly not offensive to anyone!). A notice on the Web site reads:

***Attention*** We apologize for any misunderstanding in regards to our appreciation for women as it relates to them orally pleasing us men. We love and have the utmost respect for women. The CockBib is just our attempt at creating a fun and humorous novelty item. It is not our intent to offend or disrespect anyone. Thank You! :)

No, CockBib. Thank you.

The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized, "Damn, I can't just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls." I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob. I sat there wishing that I did not have to get up and go do the whole wipe down routine and thats when it hit me. I said "what if I had something to protect my balls, some sort of bib, a bib for my cock." . . . and so, cockbibs were born.

And so, a guy gets a bad blowjob and he responds by designing and marketing 38 different novelty ball-covers to hang on your penis during oral sex. Given that these things look like tiny portable glory holes, this post-oral pioneer takes care to note that he is "Happily Married to a Beautiful Woman." No word on how that "victim of another sloppy blowjob" comment went over.

In case you were wondering, there is a Yes You Can! CockBib. Some of the other CockBib designs, however, come off as a tad less progressive.

5. "Caution: May Cause Trauma." Yeah, I'll go ahead and heed that warning, and steer clear of the dismembered penis poking through the baby clothes, thank you very much.

4. "Caution: Dick Curves to the Right." Again: HEED THIS WARNING.

3. "Today's Special: Cock Meat Surprise." As in, "Surprise: That Hole in My Cock Bib Is For My Cock"?

2. "Pussy Killer." I wonder why this "Caution" theme is so central to the CockBib aesthetic!

1. "It's Showtime: These Nuts In Ya Mouth Take 1." Sigh. The WHOLE POINT of the CockBib is so your balls don't get wet, right? Fucking nonsensical CockBib!