Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. “The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,’Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,’” the device’s inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. “I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob.”

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy’s proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call “the original cockbib.” When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the “original” CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. “I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?” he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com’s CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories “Caution: May Cause Trauma” and “Pussy Killer.” Let’s check ‘em out!

Read More “The Original CockBib: For Drunk Brides, Small Children, and Subaru Owners” »

Mmmmmmmmmmmm, tacos.

A Hierarchy of Date-Rape Jams, a charticle that is totally invalidated if you hate Rod Stewart.

(How to Enginer A) Teen Sex Scandal!, for those of you clinging to your old media jobs

Who Can Make a Rape Joke?, but seriously folks.

My Body is Not Defined By Pregnancy, rather: tacos.

The Five Most Inappropriate Cock-Bib Phrases, and oooooh I cannot wait to get my very own CockBib in the mail!

Photo by pheezy

They came, they researched, they let us in on a “little secret”. Now, “CockBibs,” the first novelty item for keeping your genitals creepily dry, are officially available for sale. And the Inventor of the CockBib has reached out to the females to let them know that CockBibs are for us, too (and certainly not offensive to anyone!). A notice on the Web site reads:

***Attention*** We apologize for any misunderstanding in regards to our appreciation for women as it relates to them orally pleasing us men. We love and have the utmost respect for women. The CockBib is just our attempt at creating a fun and humorous novelty item. It is not our intent to offend or disrespect anyone. Thank You! :)

No, CockBib. Thank you.

Introducing the CockBib, “an adult novelty item for males designed to make clean up after oral sex a breeze!” According to the device’s inventor:

The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized, “Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls.” I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob. I sat there wishing that I did not have to get up and go do the whole wipe down routine and thats when it hit me. I said “what if I had something to protect my balls, some sort of bib, a bib for my cock.” . . . and so, cockbibs were born.

And so, a guy gets a bad blowjob and he responds by designing and marketing 38 different novelty ball-covers to hang on your penis during oral sex. Given that these things look like tiny portable glory holes, this post-oral pioneer takes care to note that he is “Happily Married to a Beautiful Woman.” No word on how that “victim of another sloppy blowjob” comment went over.

In case you were wondering, there is a Yes You Can! CockBib. Some of the other CockBib designs, however, come off as a tad less progressive.

5. “Caution: May Cause Trauma.” Yeah, I’ll go ahead and heed that warning, and steer clear of the dismembered penis poking through the baby clothes, thank you very much.

Read More “The Five Most Inappropriate Cock Bib Phrases” »