So imagine my surprise when I click over to the CockBib online store, only to find the Web site abandoned! What the fuck happened to the CockBibs?!

I have an e-mail out to CockBib guy to see whether the CockBib is dead for good, or whether some Christmas miracle will bring our favorite novelty penis accessory back just in time for the holidays. In the meantime, you can pay your respects by joining the CockBib Facebook group. And while we’re waiting for the inevitable CockBib resurrection, let’s share the best CockBibs of Christmas past. CockBibs may be dead, but making fun of CockBibs lasts forever. So without further ado:

“Who Am I Kidding: You’re Hired,” perfect for your office Secret Santa pool:

North Pole Ahead: Actually more Christmas-themed than it is cock-themed, in my opinion!

Heads, You Suck It, Tails, You Fuck It: There’s nothing like a good old fashioned game night to bring couples closer over the holiday season.

The Happy Birthday! CockBib. For Jesus.

The Weight Loss Doll, 1991

Perfect for: The girl who’s just entering the “I’m fat” phase, but hasn’t yet abandoned the “plays with dolls” phase.

How it works: This doll provides dieters “a friend, a companion in the weight-loss process” who gains and loses weight along with you. Or, more accurately, loses its skin. “Layers of ’skin’ made of stretchable synthetic material, such as vinyl, are added or removed from the doll each time the doll’s owner gains or loses one weight increment, respectively. Each layer represents a particular predetermined weight increment, which may be determined by the doll’s owner. The doll may be male or female, preferably includes jointed body parts, and may be dressed, such as in a running suit which fits over the layers of skin.”

The Magical Boob Growth Doll, 1976.

Perfect for: The prepubescent girl who wishes she could lose her baby-fat belly and magically grow a rack, all in one upward motion!

How it works: You crank the weight from your stomach to your boobs. “Lower torso member includes a waist member having a lower portion of a first girth and an upper portion of a second, lesser girth so that pliable, rubber-like upper torso waist member may be slid from lower portion of lower torso waist member where it simulates waist of pudgy pre-teenager to upper portion of lower torso waist member where it simulates trim waist of a teenager while simulated breasts are simultaneously pressed outwardly against upper torso member causing bulging of the rubber-like material to form a simulated bustline.”

The Pregnant Doll, 1989

Perfect For: Little girls who yearn to play act an “attractively svelte” baby-maker, without all the icky scientific accuracy.

How it works: “When the baby is in the pocket of the mother, it bulges the pocket and the mother appears pregnant; when the baby is removed the mother appears attractively svelte . . . The baby is preferably placed upside down in the pouch; but the pouch may be sized to receive the baby doll in other positions since young children are not likely to be biologically precise about this.”

The Breastfeeding Doll, 1981.

Perfect for: The little girl who is into all that icky scientific accuracy.

How it works: “the mouth of the baby doll can be fastened to the breast pf the mother doll to simulate breastfeeding.” But why? “It is old and well known in the art to produce dolls resembling a mature woman as well as to produce baby dolls. It is also old and well known to provide humanoid dolls which are capable of simulating certin human functions such as crying, taking nourishment from a bottle, wetting and the like. [But] with respect to a simulated nursing operation between a mother and her young, the only known representations involve animals.”

The Diet Aid Doll, 1990.

Perfect For: Any kid who eats food. This human-pig hybrid doll is not made specifically for the children. But the fat-shaming figure sticks right on the family refrigerator, so your growing girl will get the hint every time she descends to the kitchen for a midnight snack.

How it works: “When a person presses the nose of the pig doll, a portion of the doll is inflated to a greater size. This expansion of the pig doll is to visually remind people that their own bodys will expand in size when they continually over-eat. . . . When the person sees that the body of the doll has expanded, this reminds the person that his or her , own body can expand by over eating and look unappealing.”

Bad news, parents: YOUR BABY IS PROBABLY A RACIST, and that means that you’ve got a whoooole lot of explaining to do. According to a Newsweek cover story, studies show that children as young as six months old “judge people based on skin color.” And children as old as six years old will refuse to accept the possibility of a black Santa—but will eventually concede that “black Santa could fill in for White Santa if he was hurt.” White people: Why are your widdle babies so racist?

a)  My kid isn’t racist: We watch Sesame Street, and there are some very, very diverse Muppets on that program.

b) SHHHH! Don’t say the R-A-C-E word around Jimmy! Everybody’s equal, Jimmy. I’ll explain that vague sentiment when you’re older.

c)  Mall Santas.

d) As Sady of Tiger Beatdown and Amanda of the Sexist discussed in this week’s edition of Sexist Beatdown: Uhh, maybe Newsweek is kind of exaggerating about the whole racist baby thing, since the real problem appears to be progressive hippie parents scared shitless about even raising the issue of race with their children. Okay, also mall Santas.

AMANDA: hey, racist baby.

SADY: hey there!

AMANDA: are you ready to discuss how modern equality-minded parents have all taken to blaming their latent racism on their impressionable young children?

SADY: ha, yes. the babies, they are all RACISTS! sort of. first of all, i think the very RACIST BABY tagline is kind of hilariously off, in that the actual “children as young as 6 months old discriminate on the basis of skin color” thing is, apparently, literally wrong. what children as young as 6 months old do is look longer at photos of people who are not the same race as their parents, according to the article. but, you know, that is not SENSATIONAL. so let’s just imply with our headline that six-month-old white babies are already full of societally determined anger and hate.

AMANDA: but, importantly, it is also The Longer Gaze at People Who Are Not the Race of Their Parents That Shall Not Be Named. since the main parenting tactic unearthed in this story is: as long as I never mention race or racism, my child will come out unracist. to the point that some ostensibly nonracist parents DROPPED OUT OF THE STUDY when they found out they would be forced to discuss race with their children. “not under my roof.”

SADY: yeah, exactly. and the result, apparently, IS that the four and five-year-olds end up with pretty fucked-up ideas about race.

AMANDA: and also, hilariously, report that they think their parents are racists, too

SADY: right. “do your parents like black people?” and 14% are like, “nope!” which makes sense, if the kids are getting shushed every time they ask about the existence of race. (1) They get the sense that race is a forbidden topic, and maybe therefore a Bad one, and may project their parents’ fears of race discussion onto people of different races, concluding that THEY’RE what the parents are scared of. (Behold my extrapolation of in-no-way-expert conclusions!) (2) If you don’t have someone TALKING about race, and pointing out the existence of racism and why it’s bad, you’re just left to soak up all the messed-up cultural stereotypes and racism like a little kindergarten-enrolled sponge.

AMANDA: yeah, and I think this points to a lot of the assumptions that these parents have about their children for no apparent reason. like Chris Brown’s mom expressing shock that her child attacked his girlfriend, when that kind of thing was in the home and probably not addressed in any significant way. or parents insisting that their child would never rape someone, even though they failed to bring up in sex in any conversation. and I think this also goes back to the fear that, like, if you talk to boys about preventing rape, you somehow magically turn them rapists through the expectations you’ve laid out.

SADY: right. well, i think a lot of it is also the nature-vs.-culture thing, and this messed-up expectation we have that kids are inherently pure of all culture. like: if you never MENTION injustices, your kids won’t be aware of them, and then they will somehow progress into childhood without ever noticing that people are treated differently and drawing their own conclusions about that! whereas the fact is that a large part of childhood is not only learning what your parents and teachers explicitly, verbally teach you, but getting socialized and learning to reflect the norms around you.

AMANDA: and it’s such an obvious cop-out when you just state it like that. “I thought if I never MENTIONED why Santa was always white, my children would never shun the black Santa that entered their classroom.” It doesn’t make any sense! and so the burden of talking about this shit lies on the groups who are going to be most affected by it, which is why minority families talked about discrimination with their kids, and why girls get a shitload of advice on how not to get themselves raped.

SADY: right. exactly. it’s about the comfort of privilege. like: kids who experience discrimination, on any level, are going to naturally bring it up with their parents, and parents are going to be more responsive to that. like, i think i was four years old when i first asked my parents why some people said certain things were not for girls, and why boys wouldn’t let me do those things. (the things in question were pretending to be the Ninja Turtles* and/or soccer, but still, I THINK MY POINT HOLDS.) but if you ARE privileged, and you never directly experience discrimination, and all you have are these vague messages that certain aspects of your life (like, say, your race) are Not To Be Talked About, you’re of course going to grow up completely blind to your own privilege and also unreflectively participating in it.

AMANDA: yeah, and another interesting thing that separates race from gender is that, if you’re a girl, and you play the best fucking Raphael on the block, boys on your street may have the opportunity to recognize that and understand that girls can play Ninja Turtles. but if you think that Hispanic kids can’t play Ninja Turtles – stay with me here – and you don’t have any Hispanic kids on your block, you may grow up always assuming that Hispanic kids are shitty at impersonating superhero mutant sewer denizens. and that injustice cannot stand. so while gender becomes problematic through constantly reinforced roles, the problem with race is that there’s sometimes just a vacuum.

SADY: right. the article does, to some level, address what happens in diverse schools. because the thought was, if kids are not raised in these mono-racial environments, they’ll associate across races more and be less likely to make judgments based on race. but, nope! what happens, more often than not, is that even within a diverse environment like a school, kids only hang out with or form relationships with people of their own races. and that’s complicated; i mean, i imagine that there are white kids having all-white friend groups because their parents are uncomfortable with dealing with non-white people and they’re consequently uncomfortable with it as well. but i imagine there are also kids of color who are like, “oh, God, i do not want to deal with the white kids that are clueless and/or hurtful about race, i cannot educate anyone in the lunch room today, i just want to have my peanut butter sandwich and chocolate milk in peace.”

AMANDA: and the interesting thing is that kids are pretty ready to accept it—to the point that when they watch a multicultural Sesame Street episode, they do not notice the message enough for it to change their habits. Santa, apparently, is untouchable, though.**

SADY: ha, yes. “even the little girl the most adamant that the Real Santa must be white came around to accept the possibility that a black Santa could fill in for White Santa if he was hurt.”

AMANDA: Christmas is even more racist than babies are

SADY: I’m dreaming of a non-exclusively-white Christmas, myself.

* Incorrect! There were no Ninja Turtles when Sady was four. There were, however, Ghostbusters. And Sady was not allowed to play. NOT EVEN AS JEANINE.

** Upon further reflection, I can totally understand why some white kids would not accept a black Santa. To adults, Santa is just whoever puts on the suit, and there’s no reason a black dude can’t put on the suit. To children, Santa is one real dude who becomes very important to their well-being each December. And for their whole lives, they’d seen that dude reproduced in malls, on television, and in storybooks as the same rosy-cheeked white dude. At that point, it’s against that kid’s best interest to accept that Santa could be black. Because if Santa could be black, that means there is more than one dude being Santa. And if there’s more than one dude being Santa, that means that Santa isn’t really real. And once you acknowledge to yourself and your immediate family that Santa isn’t really real, there’s always the fear that the presents will stop mysteriously dropping through the chimney. The only way to circumvent the racism of Christmas, in my opinion, is to introduce black Santa to children at a very early age,

Photo by soulchristmas

But Foxx and Pain aren’t the first to make raping someone you know into record gold. Below, five of the most notable date rape anthems in recording history.

Date Rape Anthem: Jamie Foxx’s “Blame It (On the Alcohol),” in which Foxx attempts to fuck a woman who “says she usually don’t” but that he knows is “frontin” because “she don’t wanna seem like she’s easy.” (But she is). Foxx knows she’s ready to admit she wants it when “she spilled some drink on me / And now I’m knowin’ she tipsy.” My neighbor has this song as her ringtone.

Relevant Lyrics:

Blame it on the goose, gotcha feeling loose
Blame it on the ‘tron, gotcha panties off
Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol, blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol
Blame it on the vodka, blame it on the henny
Blame it on the blue tap got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the ah-ah-ah-alcohol, blame it on the ah-ah ah-ah ah-al-co-hol

Why It’s So Rapey: She doesn’t want it until she’s had such a serious combination of cocktails that she’s spilling drinks on Jamie Foxx. Foxx, of course, knew better than she alllll alongggg.

—

Date Rape Anthem: The Toadies’ “Possum Kingdom,” a first-person appeal to a future rape/murder victim to go with the Toadies’ ultimate skeezy dude “behind the boathouse.”

Relevant Lyrics:

Make up your mind
Decide to walk with me
Around the lake tonight
By my side
I’m not gonna lie
I’ll not be a gentleman
Behind the boathouse
I’ll show you my dark secret

Why It’s So Rapey: More a date-murder anthem, the Toadies still suggest that she’ll “Give it up to me, Give it up to me” before she becomes his “angel.”

—

Date Rape Anthem: Sublime’s “Date Rape,” a ska jaunt through a woman’s acquaintance rape, her legal battle, and the rapist’s punishment. Popular among Arizona middle school students.

Relevant Lyrics:

Thats when things got out of control.
She didnt want to, he had his way.
She said, lets go
He said, no way!
Come on babe its your lucky day.
Shut your mouth, were gonna do it my way.
Come on baby dont be afraid,
If it wasnt for date rape Id never get laid.

Why It’s So Rapey: This date rape song has a positive moral ending: “It does not pay / Drunk and horny.” But it then goes on to advocate for prison rape: “Well, I cant take pity on men of his kind,” Sublime’s Bradley Nowell sings. “Even though he now takes it in the behind.”

—

Date Rape Anthem: Frank Loesser’s “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” a tug-of-war duet between an unwilling female and a drink-mixing male. Penned in 1944, decades before the term “date rape” entered our collective consciousness.

Relevant Lyrics:

I really can’t stay—Baby it’s cold outside
I’ve got to go away—Baby it’s cold outside
This evening has been—Been hoping that you’d drop in
So very nice—I’ll hold your hands, they’re just like ice
My mother will start to worry—Beautiful, what’s your hurry
My father will be pacing the floor—Listen to the fireplace roar
So really I’d better scurry—Beautiful, please don’t hurry
well Maybe just a half a drink more—Put some music on while I pour

The neighbors might think—Baby, it’s bad out there
Say, what’s in this drink—No cabs to be had out there
I wish I knew how —Your eyes are like starlight now
To break this spell—I’ll take your hat, your hair looks swell
I ought to say no, no, no, sir—Mind if I move a little closer
At least I’m gonna say that I tried—What’s the sense in hurting my pride
I really can’t stay—Baby don’t hold out
Ahh, but it’s cold outside

Why It’s So Rapey: Dubbed by Urban Dictionary as the “Christmas Date Rape Song,” “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” has endured as a classic date rape anthem because (a) it was ahead of its time; (b) the lyrics are unimaginably date-rapey—the woman tells the man her “answer is no,” but he continues to ply her with drinks and exaggerated weather-based fears until she sleeps over; and (c) it’s nevertheless celebrated as a Christmas classic.

—

Date Rape Anthem: Anal Cunt’s “You Were Too Ugly to Rape So I Beat the Shit Out of You,” a song which claims to have lyrics.

Relevant Lyrics:

I drank a case of whiskey
And you looked like Jeanine Jizm
I drank another case of whiskey
And you looked like Roseannie Barr

Why It’s So Rapey: Okay, I’m not sure “I drank a case of whiskey” qualifies as a date, and Anal Cunt does decide to “beat the shit” out of her instead of raping her, and I’m pretty sure they don’t actually say anything in this song, but I think it still counts.

Androgyny, the perfect union in one person of characteristics conventionally designated as either male or female, can never, in a sexist society, be perfect. Moreover, because our culture has traditionally insisted that women are less capable than men and that their lives are more determined by biology, the female hero must find the road to any approximation of androgyny more difficult and more distant than does her male counterpart.

There, my life’s pursuit rolled out in front of me, like a red carpet on the road to any approximation of androgyny: Androgynous female heroism shall be mine.

So, how am I doing? Let’s rate my androgynous success through the time-tested method of discerning personality: through the gifts others give you for Christmas.

* Money (power)—Masculine.
* Black O.J. Gloves (leather)—Masculine.
* Bike Lights (no-tool mounting)—Androgynous
* Electric Blanket (for the exceptionally cold)—Feminine.
* e.e. cummings collection (paperback)—lowercase.
* Advice from aging male relative on how if I become a lawyer I will gain sympathy because I am a pretty girl who will stumble when I speak in front of a crowd and everyone will feel so sorry for me that they’ll drop all the charges against my client, or something (unsolicited)—Feminine.

Looks like I have a ways to go.

Photo via No Trams To Lime Street.

Pro-life advocates expressed outrage last week at reports that Planned Parenthood of Indiana would be offering gift certificates for health care this holiday season. Then, pro-choice advocates expressed outrage at the outrage. From Ann at Feministing:

Conservatives are freaking out because Planned Parenthood in Indiana is offering gift certificates. Granted, a pap smear is not the most exciting Christmas gift I can think of, but it sure is practical. Oh, wait—you mean they’re claiming these are going to be used for abortions? As if that’s all Planned Parenthood does? I’m shocked.

This is a common response to pro-life folks who protest outside women’s health centers, shaming all who enter—hey, not everybody here is getting an abortion. It is tempting to try to explain this to the dude trailing you on your way into the clinic, shaking rosaries in one hand and ultrasounds in the other: I’m going to Planned Parenthood for convenient and affordable lady part care, not to abort no fetus! At the same time, this argument can be destructive to those women who are going to Planned Parenthood to have abortions.

Sure, Planned Parenthood offers a lot of great services—many of which pro-lifers don’t like either, like contraception access. But shrugging off anti-abortion advocates by saying you’re only using the clinic—and the gift certificate that funds it—for yearly check-ups implies that those who do use it for abortion are legitimate targets for attack.

I say, use the gift certificate for abortion. Those things are really expensive! And while I’d advise against friends, family members, and significant others encouraging a woman to terminate her pregnancy through Christmas gifting, if a woman is holding out on having an abortion for financial reasons, by all means, give her the gift of abortion. She deserves it this year.

But don’t check your unwanted pregnancy off your shopping list just yet. While a Planned Parenthood rep said that several of its outposts around the country offer up the gift idea, Planned Parenthood’s downtown D.C. clinic—the Schumacher Center, at 1108 16th St. NW—isn’t one of them.