Posts Tagged ‘Christmas’
A Very CockBib Christmas
It seems like only yesterday that the CockBib arrived on the adult novelty scene to protect us against the horror of sloppy blow jobs. The CockBib, which is exactly what it sounds like, was always there for us—ready to catch our spittle before it fell upon a man’s balls. And I was really hoping that the CockBib was going to be around for the Holiday gift-giving season, offering up winter-themed ball-protectors with phrases like “Ho, Ho, Ho, Suck My Dick,” or “I’m Dreaming of A Dry Ball Christmas,” or “Dry-Balls, Dry-Balls, Dry-Balls, I Made You Out of CockBib.” The possibilities are endless, people.
So imagine my surprise when I click over to the CockBib online store, only to find the Web site abandoned! What the fuck happened to the CockBibs?!
Holiday Gifts for the Body-Conscious Little Girl
The holiday season is approaching, which means it’s time to roll out more products to help our little girls feel very bad about their bodies. (That, or pregnant). Over the years, toy-makers have boldly invented new mechanisms by which they can make money off of the body consciousness of young girls. Below, inventors push girls to look simultaenously curvier (grow boobs already!), skinnier (but make sure to lose your baby weight!), sexily reproductive (be six years old AND skinny AND pregnant!) and matronly (breastfeed babies with the boobs you don’t have!).
The Weight Loss Doll, 1991
Read More “Holiday Gifts for the Body-Conscious Little Girl” »
Sexist Beatdown: Racist Babies Edition
Would your child welcome black Santa down the chimney?
Bad news, parents: YOUR BABY IS PROBABLY A RACIST, and that means that you’ve got a whoooole lot of explaining to do. According to a Newsweek cover story, studies show that children as young as six months old “judge people based on skin color.” And children as old as six years old will refuse to accept the possibility of a black Santa—but will eventually concede that “black Santa could fill in for White Santa if he was hurt.” White people: Why are your widdle babies so racist?
a) My kid isn’t racist: We watch Sesame Street, and there are some very, very diverse Muppets on that program.
b) SHHHH! Don’t say the R-A-C-E word around Jimmy! Everybody’s equal, Jimmy. I’ll explain that vague sentiment when you’re older.
c) Mall Santas.
d) As Sady of Tiger Beatdown and Amanda of the Sexist discussed in this week’s edition of Sexist Beatdown: Uhh, maybe Newsweek is kind of exaggerating about the whole racist baby thing, since the real problem appears to be progressive hippie parents scared shitless about even raising the issue of race with their children. Okay, also mall Santas.
AMANDA: hey, racist baby.
SADY: hey there!
Top Five Date Rape Anthems
Date rape has been getting some pretty heavy rotation on the airwaves since Jamie Foxx’s latest single, “Blame It (On the Alcohol),” dropped. The song details Foxx’s pursuit of an increasingly drunk lady in da club, and features T. Pain, who chimes in on his vocoder: “Couple more shots you open up like a book.” If you want to know what it’s like to be double-date-raped by a movie star and a dude who speaks only through a vocoder, this song is for you.
But Foxx and Pain aren’t the first to make raping someone you know into record gold. Below, five of the most notable date rape anthems in recording history.
Date Rape Anthem: Jamie Foxx’s “Blame It (On the Alcohol),” in which Foxx attempts to fuck a woman who “says she usually don’t” but that he knows is “frontin” because “she don’t wanna seem like she’s easy.” (But she is). Foxx knows she’s ready to admit she wants it when “she spilled some drink on me / And now I’m knowin’ she tipsy.” My neighbor has this song as her ringtone.
Relevant Lyrics:
A Very Androgynous Christmas
First, my English major mea culpa: I hadn’t been exposed to Thomas Pynchon until this winter, when I finally took the time to read the Crying of Lot 49—all 150 pages of it. I found myself completely consumed by Oedipa, Pynchon’s adulterous estate executor turned clandestine postal service detective protagonist. After a little bit of research on the character, I discovered one reason I was so taken by Oedipa: In the Winter 1977 issue of Contemporary Literature, Cathy N. Davidson argues that Oedipa is an androgen:
Androgyny, the perfect union in one person of characteristics conventionally designated as either male or female, can never, in a sexist society, be perfect. Moreover, because our culture has traditionally insisted that women are less capable than men and that their lives are more determined by biology, the female hero must find the road to any approximation of androgyny more difficult and more distant than does her male counterpart.
There, my life’s pursuit rolled out in front of me, like a red carpet on the road to any approximation of androgyny: Androgynous female heroism shall be mine.
So, how am I doing? Let’s rate my androgynous success through the time-tested method of discerning personality: through the gifts others give you for Christmas.
Abortions for Christmas!
Pro-life advocates expressed outrage last week at reports that Planned Parenthood of Indiana would be offering gift certificates for health care this holiday season. Then, pro-choice advocates expressed outrage at the outrage. From Ann at Feministing:
Conservatives are freaking out because Planned Parenthood in Indiana is offering gift certificates. Granted, a pap smear is not the most exciting Christmas gift I can think of, but it sure is practical. Oh, wait—you mean they’re claiming these are going to be used for abortions? As if that’s all Planned Parenthood does? I’m shocked.
This is a common response to pro-life folks who protest outside women’s health centers, shaming all who enter—hey, not everybody here is getting an abortion. It is tempting to try to explain this to the dude trailing you on your way into the clinic, shaking rosaries in one hand and ultrasounds in the other: I’m going to Planned Parenthood for convenient and affordable lady part care, not to abort no fetus! At the same time, this argument can be destructive to those women who are going to Planned Parenthood to have abortions.
