On Tuesday, the U.S. Supreme Court heard oral arguments over a law banning video depictions of animal cruelty. The law was party inspired by the sensationalized "crush porn" craze. In crush porn, women stomp on small animals, in bare feet or in heels, in order for crush porn fetishists to get off.

Crushing puppies and kitties to death in the name of sexual arousal obviously ain't legal. The question posed to the Court was whether disseminating video evidence of these crimes constituted a crime in itself—even if the evidence was being used to educate people not to hurt animals.

The Supreme Court will likely overturn the ban on "crush porn" and other filmed animal cruelties. I support upholding the First Amendment position on this one, but I'd rather I had never, ever become aware of the fact that there are people out there who actually get off on killing widdle aminals beneath their scary feets.

Luckily, a completely safe, totally adorable—and porn-inspired!—kitty video has surfaced to wash all those crush-porn thoughts away. It's called "3 Cats, 1 Steak," and I've watched it twice already. Enjoy.

The Creepy Cat Massage Video That Started It All: "So Your Cat Wants A Massage?"

[youtube:v=TnZhi5gaX8g]

Massage Technique: "We touch all the time, so why not be the best at it? Like the touch of a fairy."

Why It's So Creepy: Even the theory behind cat massage is crazy. "Petting is just randomly petting. Most people will go mid-back. Eh!"

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 2: "How to Give a Cat Massage"

[youtube:v=hb4golQN_8Q]

Technique: "Start with the classic chop-chop massage that we've all seen in the movies. Begin to deepen your fingers in the cat's body. Then go freestyle on the cat's head/body. Continue to freestyle to your heart's desires."

Why It's So Creepy: I think this one's a joke, but he's still touching that cat funny!

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 3: "cat massage"

[youtube:v=3YxPr4QEsIM]

Massage Technique: "Leilani relaxes with her daily cat massage. She loves to be pampered."

Why It's So Creepy: Slow-motion.

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 4: "How to massage a cat"

[youtube:v=Q2crmb3iBJE]

Massage Technique: "Make sure you pull the tail more than 5 times."

Why It's So Creepy: The biting. The biting.

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 5: "cat body massage"

[youtube:v=uC41pJRYHVs]

Massage Technique: "My cat 'Wisky' very like massage. Every day we make massage for our Wisky."

Why It's So Creepy: The television may blare, the masseuse may converse with the cameraperson, but that cat's eyes stay trained on the camera the whole time.

"Sex Workers Are People Too" reveals that sex owners can own cats, oppose the war, talk to their parents, and love bacon. Sex workers: They're just like us!

* Slate is all over the sex & gender beat this week! First, Jack Shafer debunks the New York Times Sunday Styles "dudes love cats" trend piece:

How to write a bogus trend story: Start with something you wish were on the rise. State that rise as a fact. Allow that there are no facts, surveys, or test results to support such a fact. Use and reuse the word seems. Collect anecdotes and sprinkle liberally. Drift from your original point as far as you can to collect other data points. Add liberally. Finish with an upbeat quotation like "My cat takes priority over the new relationship. Realistically, unless there's something absolutely amazing about [the woman I'm dating], he wins."

* Then, Explainer explains how to tell whether your 13-year-old kid actually wants a circumcision—or whether you could be pressuring him to have one. Is it so wrong to ask kid owners to err on the side of "foreskin intact"?

* And the XX Factor's Melinda Henneberger probably doesn't want your flowers. Henneberger lays out the rules for flora-purchasing significant others:

- A dozen for no reason: You shouldn't have!
- A bouquet on an actual occasion: No, really, you shouldn't have.

Speaking from my estimable position as "local blogger who sleeps on a mattress on the floor of a group house flanked by two squatter-occupied abandoned properties and counts among her possessions a bunch of old newspapers stacked in milk-crates recovered from darkened alleyways"—I, too, may never understand women.

Photo by Robyn Gallagher

* Melissa McEwan over at Shakesville says a cat's place is in the cleavage:

this morning, after [the cat had] been driving me bananas for about an hour with this new routine, I tucked the bottom of the tanktop I was wearing up under my boobs to create a little pouch, then stuck her inside, where she promptly fell asleep for about three hours.

And yes, there is a photo.

* Over at The New Gay: A David Foster Wallace obit, from the perspective of someone who's never read a book by David Foster Wallace.

* The District cracks down on clubs that have different age requirements for men and women, the G.W. Hatchet reported last week. Metro News Editor Alexa Millinger writes that it's "not uncommon for bars and clubs to advertise events with a minimum entrance age of 18 for females and 21 for males," and writes that ABRA community resource officer Cynthia Woodruff-Simms "said she knows of a few places in Adams Morgan, U Street and the Southeast Waterfront that use these practices"—all of which seems unnecessarily vague. Can we get the skinny on the effect on those "few places"?

* Via Feministing via Boing Boing: Sexist men make more money. Writes Vanessa:

Most of my friends who make a lot of cheese (finance, technology – all male-dominated fields mind you) seem to have experienced or witnessed more sexism than others. (The corporate world alone is enough to make one nauseous.) And what is there to be said for women who believe in traditional gender roles making less money than women who don't?

* Via Slate: How the "Campaign for a Commercial-Free Childhood" made the case that "Bratz" dolls—along with "explicit music," "rap videos," and M&M flavored "lip gloss," contribute to "eating disorders, low self-esteem, depression and poor sexual health."

* Larry Craig is back: The Idaho senator has started a legal defense fund to aid in his attempt to overturn his guilty plea from a June 2007 "misdemeanor disorderly conduct" charge, the Idaho Statesman reports. Last February, the Senate Ethics Committee admonished Craig for spending over $200,000 of unused campaign funds to try to reverse the plea; now, he's accepting donations after the fund, dubbed "The Fund for Justice," was OK'd by the Ethics Committee.

* Larry Craig extra: While perusing the Senator's Web site, I came across this page, wherein Larry Craig debunks common Internet rumors for his constituents. The page features a totally creepy photo of Craig who, through some feat of dark magick, appears to be balancing a man-sized Fabergé egg in his palm. My favorite of Craig's "fact or fiction" crusades for truth, filed under "Tax on email":

Some folks have contacted me about a possible five-cent tax on email. This is a hoax that began circulating on the Internet several years ago. An email message warns people that "House Bill 602P" will levy a five-cent surcharge on every email sent. It goes on to say that the bill is sponsored by Congressman Tony Schnell, and the funds would go to the U.S. Postal Service. Further, it refers to an "editorial" in the "March 6 issue" of The Washingtonian supporting the tax. . . . Let me assure you, there is no Bill 602P. There is no Member of Congress by the name of Tony Schnell, and the United States Postal Service has nothing to do with delivering email. The Washingtonian is a monthly magazine, and does not even have a "March 6" issue. It is highly unlikely that a measure like this will ever come to the Senate floor for debate.

Glaring omission: That pesky Larry Craig gay rumor.