Whenever another cultural milestone rolls around—an election, an inauguration, a Bruce concert—you can bet that the men of Craigslist will attempt to parlay it into an opportunity to scout out some themed poon.

This week: Christmas poon!

The worst of the Christmas-themed sexual overtures filed in the "Casual Encounters" section of D.C. Craigslist, after the jump. Warning: Links (and possibly this entire blog, actually) NSFW:

TEN:

Clarification: not actually a sex ad:

I am just looking for a woman that would be willing to give me a Christmas gift I have always wanted....her to kick me. :-) I'm not looking for anything sexual at all, so you do not have to worry about that. Just would like to find a woman that would like to have a guy she can kick whenever she likes. Hope to hear from you. Merry Christmas!

NINE:

For the girl with Santa issues:

It is that time of year again when santa gets VERY stressed out and he is looking for a good girl who would like to let him pay her a special visit (or a bad one who wants to get on the good list) and help santa out. Looking to come by and spread some christmas cheer. Santa has a wonderful candy can for you to suck on. And from there stuff your stocking and give you a very merry christmas! Send santa a letter and tell him what kind of girl you have been this year and what you want :)

EIGHT:

I have found the woman for you, good sir! It feels so good to play holiday matchmaker:

I'm looking for a man with a santa suit to satisfy a naughty Christmas fantasy.

You should be clean, drug and disease free, 30 – 45 years old.

please respond with a photo of your face and put the word "Santa" in the subject line.

SEVEN:

What woman could resist becoming this dude's ornament?

I NEED SOMEONE TO DECORATE MY CHRISTMAS TREE AND RAISE MY SPIRITS BEFORE THE HOLIDAY! I FIND BEAUTY IN MANY SHAPES, SIZES, ETC, SO PLEASE DON'T BE SHY. PLEASE RESPOND WITH HOW YOU WOULD LIKE TO SPRUCEN UP MY TREE, PLEASE SEND A PIC. FYI I'M HOPING FOR COAL THIS YEAR SO THE NAUGHTIER THE BETTER;-)

I, too, am interested in how women intend to "sprucen up my tree" this holiday season. Do you think that's German?

SIX:

Extra points for making a holiday pun out of your condom use:

Yes, I should put more into this ad, but the title is what I'm looking for. I get off on giving women something that their husbands or boyfriends SHOULD be able to, but can't. While he's plowing the snow, we can either stay inside and keep each other warm, or you can sneak out to do some "last minute Christmas shopping", either way, I'll give you a nice, big, wrapped present.

FIVE:

Does the specificity of this guy's Christmas availability make anyone else kind of sad?

I'm a sub male, who is otherwise totally and completely "normal:" good job, fit, intelligent, silly, athletic, etc., but I have a very strong Boot fetish. If You'd like to have Your Boots licked clean, kissed, and worshipped after getting them dirty in the snow, i'm Your guy!

i do NOT want to have intercourse. i just want to feel the presence of a powerful Woman forcing me to lick Her dirty Boots.

i'm even available Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day after 2pm.

FOUR:

I have a sneaking suspicion that this man is going to be forced to eat his Christmas balls all alone this year:

I had a ball "triming" party and I now have the smoothest balls....looking for a beautiful woman to enjoy them over some Holiday cheer!

THREE:

What's weirder: That this guy expects your panties to stay warm for a reasonable period of time, or that he is obviously purchasing these panties as a Christmas gift to himself? ("Offer ends next Wednesday, Dec 23rd").

Mature white male, into warmed over ladies panties, used and warm preferably...  reward for you...more if you are interested in letting me remove them myself...  Ladies only please...may be interested in more if you are...  Collection availability starts Monday am, Dec 21st. Offer ends next Wednesday, Dec 23rd.

TWO:

This guy, on the other hand, used the "Twelve Days of Christmas" as an excuse to write an overly long poem about picking up a woman and fondling her "nips." Not okay:

You are tasty and fresh,
and everything good,
as I munch between your legs,
the way a man should.

Oh, dude, do not bring Christmas into this.

ONE:

Someone has got to inform this guy that Craigslist does not function as an adult Santa that will magically fulfill your threesome request. But don't overexert yourself, magic Craigslist Santa, this guy is "perfectly fine with just watching":

I guess it's every man's dream to be with two women, right. What better place to try and make it happen than CL, lol. I don't need to touch either of you but of course that would be great if I could. I'm perfectly fine with just watching though. Make my Christmas one I won't forget, lol.

Photo via Matt Kelland, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Forget post-election sex. We're on to for-trade inauguration prostitution!

For the discerning online dater, picks from the Craigslist litter.

Missed Connections: Saw you on 17th St, then the Diner

A: Unreported
S: w4w
L: Dupont, Adams Morgan

First Impression: Group effort. " You: Short dark hair, black hoodie. Walking down the street with some guy. Us: Three brunettes. "

Fantasy Fulfillment: Better smoker than straight. " One stopped mid-sentence to stare out the window as she realized you were the same person we stared at earlier, now outside smoking with that guy. Then we thought we saw you make out a little bit. Or maybe you were just lighting your cigarette. Either way, we were bummed you were still with that guy. Awkward."

Heart to Heart: We have ways of making you bi. "But then, he put you in a cab and sent you on your way. And we vowed to write a missed connection, since if you didn't go home with him, there's a chance maybe you'd want to hang out some time. With any of us. Or all of us."

—
Casual Encounters: drinks, 420, and whater happens

A: 28
S: "m4w, mm4ww, mm4w – mm4ww"
L: "Hotel Rt 1 Alexandria"

First Impression: Double date . . . and then some. " 2 guys Celebrating a birthday Looking 2 celebrate," they write. "and then some."

Personality Quirks: Date rape is in the details. "Drinks, smoke and whatever happens happens. "

Heart to Heart: High-maintenance hookups need not apply. "Both attractive, both down to earth. No pressure, no drama, just fun."

—

Misc. Romance: Behold! The Amazing Lickalottapuss (Cunnilingus Maximus)

A: Unreported
S: m4w
L: Alexandria

First Impression: Ugh, gross. "The Lickalottapuss is an unusual species – one that survives and thrives by giving pleasure to women in need. He has been hibernating lately, but has now awakened and seeks new playmates."

Pet Names: What ... on Earth possessed you to post the following: "The Lickalottapuss is a natural-born giver that does not require anything in exchange for its ministrations. Your satisfaction is all the Lickalottapus needs, and his talents ensure that the Lickalottapuss always gets what he needs."

Heart to Heart: Oh, seriously, yuck.  "The Lickalottapuss prefers to eat in the warmth of a thick jungle, but rampant deforestation efforts have forced the Lickalottapuss to adapt to all terrain. But a woman with a heavily forested jungle would be wise to inform the Lickalottapuss that she is in possession of such a location for his temporary home."

Photo by Darrow Montgomery