… and she’s boring, vapid, and obsessed with eating ice cream out of the carton. If that sounds like your wife, Esquire has this gift guide of Christmas presents that will be just perfect for her!

A breakdown:

Ice Cream and Ice Cream Accessories (2). including the “Prepara Ice Cream Pint Sleeve,” a neoprene sleeve whick “slips over her favorite pint of ice cream so she can finish it off without frostbitten fingertips or, even worse, melted fudge chips in her Chunky Monkey.”

Handbags (2).

Lingerie (1). Esquire’s pick, the “Victoria’s Secret Jacquard Merrywidow,” is chosen for its “practicality.”

Beauty Products (3) Including the “Anastasia All About Brows Eyebrow Set” and “Clarisonic Skincare Brush.” Because nothing says “Merry Christmas” like a $195 machine that removes dead skin.

Sex and the City DVD Collection (1). The Esquire gift guide for your “lover” (note: eww), at least, swaps Candace Bushnell for Marguerite Duras.

Books (1). This pick, Beryl Markham’s West with the Night, is a Hemingway-approved autobiography that details the female pilot’s life. Great! But Esquire pairs it with this condescending gift note: “A must-read for the 21st-century woman who thinks Carrie Bradshaw is what being a strong female is all about.” Because this gift guide proves that women are simply caricatures of themselves who need the prodding of their husband to inject any sort of substance into their views about women. Read it while watching Sex and the City and grooming your eyebrows!

Photo from prepara.com.