Listen up, teens: Guess what happens when you get teen pregnant, you're not allowed to have a smushmortion, and you can't figure out how to secretly swap your fetus into your mother's aging but willing womb. Umm . . . you get rewarded with an eccentric celebrity handler and sexy undies shots in Vanity Fair? Oh ho no, honey, that's what's happens to the dude. What happens to you is you get to hold the dang thing throughout a couple of tortured appearances on a crazy middle-aged lady's FOX News program, and then everyone makes fun of you for being a hypocrite because GOD, YOU WISH YOU HAD NEVER EVEN HAD SEX. And then you have to raise it.

Did I mention your babby's daddy got to do Tyra?

In this edition of Sexist Beatdown: Why Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I think that's kind of fucked up, actually? BONUS: what to expect next in the SARAH PALYN SNOMOBLOWJOB TODD PALYN BAREBACK LEVI JOHNSON porn saga of the Palin family story, after the jump.

AMANDA: Hi!

SADY: WHY HELLO. are you ready to discuss THE TERRIBLE REVELATIONS OF LEVI JOHNSTON???? because there are a few, apparently.

AMANDA: Yeah. Apparently Sarah Palin attempted to engineer the EXACT SAME LEFT-WING BABY-SWITCHING CONSPIRACY that liberal bloggers speculated about after photos of pregnant Bristol surfaced during the campaign.

SADY: ha ha, yes. but the version of Sarah Palin in this article is capable of all trickery.

AMANDA: but not of cooking.

SADY: yes. it's the intimate revelations of terribleness that are really special. she apparently often walked in on Levi and Tripp (?) and tried to trade him for Trig (??) saying, "I don't want the retarded baby — I want the other one." did you get a chance to read the full article?

AMANDA: No! That's fucking insane! I just watched a video of Levi Johnston posing in men's formalwear. I think I missed the good stuff.

SADY: well: one gets the sense that mr. johnston may be, let us say, playing up the anti-palinry a bit. it is a really, really anti-palin article. also, there's some thing in there with meghan mccain throwing a fit because no-one will do her hair, which her rep calls a "naive mischaracterization." NO-ONE COMES OFF WELL, i am telling you. only LEVI JOHNSTON, sole bastion of integrity among the corrupt palin clan. which: i kind of doubt it. but speaking of poses, you may soon have the opportunity to see levi himself in his underthings!

AMANDA: Yes, but at the same time, I think that Levi Johnston may be the only person who really gets it. First of all, Levi Johnston is hot. Like Sarah Palin

SADY: Ah, true. They have so much in common! Like Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker, really. But with more snowmobiling involved.

AMANDA: yeah, but Levi Johnston is willing to settle for that. By which I mean hot photo-shoots and tabloid-y tell alls, and a personal handler named Tank. And from my perspective, that's a pretty good life!

SADY: Right? There was Trip and Trig and Tank... lots of T-names. I'm surprised he can keep them all straight. I can't, really.

AMANDA: yeah. but the point is, he's not trying to ruin the lives of a whole country of humans! i know: low standard

SADY: it's true, it's true! Sarah Palin does set an imposing standard for any young douchebucket. like, i guess i'm fine with the whole self-serving tabloid expose thingy as long as he's not trying to make Jurassic Park illegal for promoting evolution. or something.

AMANDA: yeah. Also, if he keeps along this path, my election season prediction of him becoming a porn performer may come true!

SADY: ah, so now we see what this is about. your GAMBLING ADDICTION. i plan to tell all to vanity fair.

AMANDA: yeah. I wonder how easy it is, though, just to make up an absurd lie about sarah palin's home life? Because at this point, i think people will really believe anything, they hate her so much. still, I wonder: could any mind have invented the "I don't want the retarded baby" story?

SADY: it's true! that is kind of unmatchable, all things considered. i automatically distrust anyone who tells these kinds of "and then I stood around and was awesome and watched everyone else in the world suck" stories. but, on the other hand, the idea that sarah palin, at home, "would literally say things that did not make any sense." that is sensical.

AMANDA: I don’t know. I can’t hate him. he doesn't seem like a liar to me, and any overblown statements i just have to attribute to him enduring media scrutiny for having the grandson of a famous crazy lady while in high school. i didn't have to endure any of that shit in high school, and i was still kinda bratty

SADY: yeah, exactly. he does, all things told, come across as a regular dumb dude that you'd maybe make out with in high school. who is maybe still a little bitter that sarah palin made him cut off his mullet (the mullet plays a crucial role!) and threatened to spray-tan him.

AMANDA: dude, NO

SADY: i don't MIND levi johnston so much as i mind the media creation of "Levi Johnston: Totally Admirable Guy! Who is Cute! And Also Sexy!" like, one thing i have learned from the levi johnston thing, as a whole, is that if you accidentally get someone pregnant in high school you can end up a sex symbol. and if you accidentally GET pregnant in high school, you end up a tragedy.

AMANDA: bummer. you're totally right. imagine a bristol palin interview treatment that was super fun and sexy like this one!

SADY: I KNOWWWWWWWW.

AMANDA: i think the closest bristol could get to that would be doing an US Weekly How I Got My Body Back.

SADY: and yet? i think if one could give bristol a year or two and get her away from the whole family dynamic? she would be a far better storyteller. SHE WAS FORCED TO MARRY THE GENTLEMAN WHO STOLE HER VIRTUE. AS IN YE OLDEN DAYS. if you want dirt, that lady is the one to get dirt from. should she ever be in a position to reveal it.

AMANDA: and her options were: have the baby, or have the baby and have your mom steal your baby. although i would bet that bristol and levi's porn performance options are roughly equal.

SADY: um, yeah. i'm kind of surprised that there's no bristol "paylin" porn on the market already. maybe they're waiting until they can get levi?

AMANDA: oh man—mind went slightly insane imagining all the creepy options available. "trig palin isn't the only thing sarah wanted to trade"

SADY: you know. every now and again i realize what life would be like if i had no scruples. and i imagine myself rolling around on a bed of pure gold with a mattress stuffed with $1,000 bills.

AMANDA: and a handler named Tank!

SADY: and all i would have to do is to invent some scenario whereby levi "johnson" and todd "paylin" bond – WITH TANK, TANK'S NAME COULD STAY – over snowmobiles and enthusiastic outdoor sexual escapades.

AMANDA: what does it say about society that one political family's story translates so easily to pornographic storylines?

SADY: power corrupts. and power within a tiny little town in the middle of nowhere where the kids have nothing to do but make out to conserve their bodily heat and their mom is better suited to image-making than rational thought corrupts absolutely. or something.

Protesters—15 of 'em!—who gathered outside a Late Show With David Letterman taping yesterday had a hard time finding a consistent message.

One responded to Letterman's jokes about Sarah Palin's daughters by suggesting that Letterman's son, who "was born out of wedlock," was fair game for mockery. "I believe there's a term for that," the protester hinted.

Another responding to Letterman's joke about Palin dressing like a "slutty flight attendant" by suggesting that Letterman himself had "a slut for a wife."

Yet another responded to I don't know what by suggesting that David Letterman will "rape you with his mouth."

Others expressed more creative gripes with the late-night comedian, or "the general sentiment that Jay Leno is a better host than Letterman."

Also, one of them thinks Alex Rodriguez plays basketball.

Methinks these protesters may need a refresher course on how not to fight hypocrisy with hypocrisy. And also, maybe, American professional sports.

David Letterman apologized to Sarah Palin and her family last night for telling that joke. Palin accepted, saying:

Of course it's accepted on behalf of young women, like my daughters, who hope men who 'joke' about public displays of sexual exploitation of girls will soon evolve.

Letterman certainly has the right to 'joke' about whatever he wants to, and thankfully we have the right to express our reaction," Palin said. "This is all thanks to our U.S. Military women and men putting their lives on the line for us to secure America's Right to Free Speech—in this case, may that right be used to promote equality and respect.

Hey, minus the military-protecting-our-right-to-get-mad-at-rape-jokes stuff,  they both sounds pretty reasonable to me.

It is a simple formula for both comedy and political commentary:

Take a public figure (Sarah Palin) who holds disagreeable views (abstinence-only education). Zero in on an aspect of her personal life counter to those views (her own teen daughter, Bristol Palin, becoming pregnant). Reveal the comedic irony and/or hypocrisy of the public/private contrast. Repeat ad nauseam on blogs, 24-hour news channels, and late night talk shows.

We should all beware this construction. Though very easy to pull off—and often journalistically and comedically sound—it is a trap. And it will render us all hypocrites. Three lessons from history, after the jump.

SARAH PALIN

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DISAGREEABLE VIEW: Too many to count, but in this case, it's the abstinence thing.

HYPOCRITICAL MOVE: When Palin's 17-year-old daughter Bristol became pregnant months before Palin rose to political fame as John McCain's running mate in the 2008 presidential election, political commentators and comedians held up Bristol's pregnancy as evidence that abstinence is futile—even under the roof of your state's no-sex-before-marriage Governor.

IT'S A TRAP! The revelation came at the height of election season fervor, and liberal commentators ate Bristol's sexual activity up with a spoon. The term "knocked up" became par for the course. When the baby's father, Levi Johnston, told Tyra Banks that he and Bristol had practiced safe sex, Tyra et. al dismissed him as a liar. The late-night comedy cycle feasted on the Bristol-is-a-slut jokes. Even Palin family cheerleader Greta Van Susteren asked Bristol if she had been "lazy."

We forgot that even the most responsible of 17-year-old condom users don't put it on right every time. We forgot that condoms break. And we forgot that, when you're the governor's daughter in the small town of Wasilla, requesting birth control from your family doctor, seeking Plan B at a local pharmacy, or even buying condoms—anywhere—could cause such a shit-storm for you, your boyfriend, and your family, that it would have been hard to mount the courage to even approach the counter.

At some point, we forgot about why Bristol having sex was funny to begin with. The insane glee that we all derived from a teenage girl having sex before marriage became counter-intuitive—and downright creepy. We had crossed the hypocrisy bridge. We were no longer making a point about how young women should be free to choose to be sexually active. We no longer joked to show how bogus abstinence was. We joked to show that Bristol Palin was slutty, and that was enough to make it funny.

—

CARRIE PREJEAN

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DISAGREEABLE VIEW: During the Q-and-A section of  the 2009 Miss USA pageant, Miss USA California Carrie Prejean described her views on same-sex marriage this way:

"I think it's great that americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage, and in my country, and my family, I think that I believe that marriage should be a man or a woman. No offense to anyone out there, but that was how I was raised, and that's how I think it should be. Between a man and a woman. Thank you."

HYPOCRITICAL MOVE: After rising to blogosphere infamy—with the help of question-asker Perez Hilton's videoblog declaring her a "bitch"—Prejean's past modeling career caught up to her. When topless photos of the 21-year-old Prejean surfaced on the Web, Prejean was accused of both violating her pageant contract and preaching inconsistent moral views. Who is she to preach good Christian values when she's flaunting her assets for cash?

IT'S A TRAP! Wait a second—since when did we start caring about women upholding the contractual obligations of beauty pageants? Pageants are among the most sexist and anti-feminist of American traditions. They encourage patriarchal views about the traditional roles women and men should hold in society. And guess what—gays don't have a place there.

But the patriarchy is also responsible for one of the most damaging of all hypocrisy constructions: the virgin-whore dichotomy. Shaming Carrie Prejean—a woman we've elevated through beauty pageants—for taking topless modeling photos is a very short leap for shaming gays and lesbians for expressing their sexuality. That's why this whole thing was hypocritical in the first place—but perhaps we're all too distracted by Carrie Prejean's boobs to remember. We may keep posting them in the interest of "revealing hypocrisy." But we all know the real reason they're on the Web: It's not hypocrisy anymore; it's hotness.

—

LARRY CRAIG

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DISAGREEABLE VIEW: As a Republican Senator from Idaho, Craig often championed conservative moral values. William Saletan got specific in 2007, pointing out that Craig "helped to enact the military's 'don't ask, don't tell' policy," revealing his "anti-gay hypocrisy."

HYPOCRITICAL MOVE: In June of 2007, Craig was arrested for soliciting sex from a male undercover cop in the Minneapolis airport:

According to the report filed by the officer who arrested Craig at the Minneapolis airport in June, Craig stood outside the officer's bathroom stall for two minutes, repeatedly looked at the officer "through the crack in the door," sat in the stall next to the officer, tapped his foot, and gradually "moved his right foot so that it touched the side of my left foot … within my stall area." Craig proceeded to "swipe his hand under the stall divider for a few seconds" three times, palm up, using the hand farthest from that side of Craig's stall. Most of these gestures, the officer explained, were known pickup signals in a room known (and hence under surveillance for) public sex. When the officer took Craig outside and told him so, Craig claimed he had been reaching down with his hand to retrieve a piece of paper from the floor. The officer wrote that no such paper had been on the floor.

IT'S A TRAP! I'll admit it—this is rich, fertile ground for the hypocrisy construction. Craig blows Palin and Prejean out of the water with this Perfect 10 hypocritical move: enacting anti-gay policies in law, and being gay in private. Jokes at Craig's expense were easy, valid, and very popular.

Conservatives, when not denying that any of this happened, joined in the shit-throwing. After all, this is the stuff homophobes' nightmares are made of—strange gay men attempting to have sex with them while they're taking care of business in a public restroom. For them, Craig reinforced the idea that homosexuals are sick and disgusting individuals just waiting to pounce on your unsuspecting bare penis. In other words, gays can pose a very real threat to their heterosexuality, and Craig proved it.

And yet, those who railed against Craig's institutionalized homophobia were the ones who took the most immense joy in the gay jokes. So—again—reveling in jokes about Larry Craig being gay began to lose their hypocritical anchor. On some level, the hypocritical construction allows people with pro-gay political views to indulge in some homophobic ribbing of their own. They see a rare window where making fun of gay sex is politically acceptable, and they sieze it. It's the same tale with Sarah Palin: People who support progressive sexual health policies, like comprehensive sex education, sieze the opportunity to make jokes about sluts. It's the same tale with Carrie Prejean: People who rail against patriarchal values, like "opposite marriage" and beauty pageants, sieze the opportunity to make sexist jokes.

So, let's all try not to descend too deeply into the hypocrisy construction's rabbit hole. Fall too far, and we become ripe for ironic commentary ourselves.

That's what Ruth Marcus claims in today's Washington Post, quoting Sarah Palin's remarks from a—what else—a pro-life fundraiser. At the dinner, Palin discussed her "choice" to have a child with Down syndrome  at the age of 44—a choice that, as Marcus points out, Palin wants to deny other women. Marcus is miffed that right-to-lifers like Palin routinely justify their anti-choice positions by describing their own "correct" "decisions" to have children. This isn't the fist time Palin has used choice to explain why women shouldn't chose—who could forget Palin's election-season classic, "We're proud of Bristol's decision to have her baby"?

Palin's pro-"choice" comments—where she describes twice considering abortion before deciding to carry her pregnancy to term—after the jump.

"I had found out that I was pregnant while out of state first, at an oil and gas conference. While out of state, there just for a fleeting moment, wow, I knew, nobody knows me here, nobody would ever know. I thought, wow, it is easy, could be easy to think, maybe, of trying to change the circumstances. No one would know. No one would ever know.

"Then when my amniocentesis results came back, showing what they called abnormalities. Oh, dear God, I knew, I had instantly an understanding for that fleeting moment why someone would believe it could seem possible to change those circumstances. Just make it all go away and get some normalcy back in life. Just take care of it. Because at the time only my doctor knew the results, Todd didn't even know. No one would know. But I would know. First, I thought how in the world could we manage a change of this magnitude. I was a very busy governor with four busy kids and a husband with a job hundreds of miles away up on the North Slope oil fields. And, oh, the criticism that I knew was coming. Plus, I was old . . .

"So we went through some things a year ago that now lets me understand a woman's, a girl's temptation to maybe try to make it all go away if she has been influenced by society to believe that she's not strong enough or smart enough or equipped enough or convenienced enough to make the choice to let the child live. I do understand what these women, what these girls go through in that thought process."

Photo by √oхέƒx™

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Sarah Seltzer for Reproductive Health Reality Check wonders if Levi is a "victim" in the Palin spotlight. "The Internet is buzzing over Levi Johnston's appearance on Tyra yesterday to 'break his silence,' and providing us all with a reminder that patriarchal policies like abstinence-only education hurt young men, too," writes Seltzer.

I couldn't agree more: We're all victims here: Levi, Bristol, Tripp, and Palin herself all suffered at the hands of her ridiculous abstinence (with a teenage pregnancy backup) method. Everyone, that is, except Tyra, who pulls a fierce Katie Couric to get the daytime interview of the post-pregnancy season.

There are no words. [Via].

NUMBER 24: The Daily Mail reports on a poll ranking the world's most beautiful lady politicians. The poll was conducted by Spain's " 20 Minutos" newspaper, so, whatever. Peruvian congresswoman Luciana Leon is the most beautiful. Of the 54 women on the list, Palin currently ranks 24th, with 3,173 votes. At 61, Hillary Clinton is the oldest lady politician to make the list, coming in at 34th place with 2485 votes.

On the one hand, ranking the attractiveness of female politicians is extremely sexist. On the other, readers of "20 Minutos" are collectively aware of 54 female politicians internationally! That's progress!

CATHOLICS: BRISTOL EVIDENCE AGAINST EVANGELICAL "SHOTGUN" MARRIAGE: Upon hearing that Bristol & Levi's Palin-promised union would be no more, WaPo Catholic America blogger writes:

So much for what used to be called a "shotgun marriage." Evangelicals are of another faith and are entitled to believe as they might about the power of grace to heal and transform human inclinations. In Catholic America today, however, priests often counsel against shotgun marriages. "The chances for such a marriage enduring are very low," I was told by a pastor whose judgment I respect. "Better to wait and see if the marriage will endure beyond the birth of the child before celebrating the Sacrament of Marriage. Let them marry in a civil ceremony for legal appearances, if they want, but not in church."

So, I guess Levi and Bristol ended up doing the Catholic thing.

HOW MUCH MONEY DID SHE TURN AWAY? Palin rejected $288 million in stimulus money. I'm with Arnold here—hell, I'll take that money!

LET'S WATCH THIS STUPID VIDEO AGAIN ABOUT WHY TRIG ISN'T SARAH'S BABY:

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PALIN COMPLAINS MORE ABOUT "JOURNALISM TODAY," reports Politico's Ben Smith:

"Some in the media actually participated in not so much the 'who-what-where-when-why' objective reporting on candidates and positions, those five W's that I learned when I had a journalism degree so many years ago in college, when the world of journalism was quite different than it is today," she said.

"No, things have changed," she continued. "But complaining? Or whining? Absolutely not. But I am going to call it like I see it. It doesn't do any good to whine about any of this. But I can call it like I see it. Sometimes it gets me in a lot of trouble when I speak candidly, and I speak from the heart and I do such a thing. But I am going to."

Let us pray.

"So I'm looking around for somebody to pray with, I just need maybe a little help, maybe a little extra," she said. "And the McCain campaign, love 'em, you know, they're a lot of people around me, but nobody I could find that I wanted to hold hands with and pray." As the crowd laughed, Palin grinned and said she meant no disrespect to the McCain campaign. She said she ultimately prayed with her daughter Piper.

Photo by NationalGovernorsAssociation

UT OH:Anchorage blogger Linda Kellen Biegel, who goes by the name Celtic Diva has filed an ethics complaint with the state's Attorney General, alleging that Palin promoted First Dude Iron Dog sponsor "Arctic Cat Inc." while representing the state of Alaska by covering herself in head-to-toe Arctic Cat gear at the start of this year's snowmachine race.

PALIN STRIKES BACK:

"Are Alaskans outraged, or at least tired of this yet—another frivolous ethics charge by a political blogger? This would be hilarious if it weren't so expensive for the state to process these accusations and for me to defend against these bogus harassments. Yes, I wore Arctic Cat snow gear at an outdoor event, because it was cold outside, and by the way, today, I am wearing clothes bearing the names of Alaska artists, and a Glennallen Panthers basketball hoodie. I am a walking billboard for the team's fundraiser! Should I expect to see an ethics charge for wearing these, or the Carhartts I wear to many public events? How much will this blogger's asinine political grandstanding cost all of us in time and money?"

HOW MUCH MONEY? RedState claims Palin has racked up $500,000 in debt "defending herself against fake/false/frivolous ethics charges" since September. Public scrutiny's a bitch.

SENATOR STATES OBVIOUS: U.S. Senator Mark Begich (D—Alaska) disagrees with Palin's refusal of some federal stimulus package funds. “I worry when we throw money back to the federal government that’s designed to help our state,” said Begich. “It sends the wrong message that maybe we don’t need the money. We do need the help.”

VIDEO THROWBACK: Palin and fam moving into the Governor's mansion for the first time (cute).

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Photo via Celtic Diva

O'REILLY & GRETA & BRISTOL, OH MY! O'Reilly weighs in on the Bristol Palin / Levi Johnston fallout: MSNBC "incredibly viscious"; "disturbed individuals egged on by . . . the Air America on the radio."

BONUS: Greta downplays O'Reilly's characterization that she is "close to the Palin family," sayinh, "The only way that I've met them is by interviewing them. I don't socialize with them or spend a lot of time with them."

Greta goes on to chastize journalists who are "gushing with glee" to her at the news; O'Reilly says, "nobody would do that to me."

PALIN POLLIN' IOWA? The Mudflats heard tell of some peculiar robocalls fielded in Iowa and New Hampshire. The recording went a little something like this:

I wanted to let you know that I just received an interesting phone call.  It was an automated poll and it asked the following questions:

1. Do you have a favorable opinion of Sarah Palin?

2. Gov. Palin thinks A, B, C, D & E do you agree with Gov. Palin?

3. Do you feel it is important that Gov. Palin is reelected as Gov. of Alaska?

The Iowa Independent weighs in on the premature polling:

Notably, some of the governors whose names are mentioned as possible candidates will have to decide whether to run for reelection in 2010.  Put Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty and Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal into that category with Palin.  The three of them might find it awkward to run for reelection as governor with all of their state’s voters asking whether they still even want the job.

WHO COMMISSIONED THE POLL? It's not clear yet, but the Independent ventures it ain't Palin:

This far out from an election, polling is very difficult, and anybody who is considering running for president might find the results of a poll about Palin more useful than a poll about themselves.  If a recorded voice called you up and started asking whether you thought Pawlenty should run for reelection as governor, would you even know whom it was talking about?

SUCK IT, JINDAL: Alaska's Mount Redoubt erupts, "spews ash and steam to 50,000 feet"; ash cloud possibly heading toward Anchorage.

CONSERVATIVE PAPE NAILS PALIN: The Alaska Standard reviews Palin's Anchorage Lincoln Dinner speech, wherein the Governor complains about media criticism during the election (again) and compares herself to Abraham Lincoln (for possibly the first time):

[Palin] spent the bulk of her speech talking about tearing down and critics, but nothing about the economic future of the state. She announced what the personal financial cost of her “open and transparent” has cost her to avoid being open and transparent. As a matter of fact, only one person spoke of issues greater than self with any conviction and clarity, and that person is the clear face of the Alaska Republican Party: Lisa Murkowski.

PALIN RESPONDS to Barry Obama's quip that he bowls like he belongs in the Special Olympics.

"This was a degrading remark about our world's most precious and unique people, coming from the most powerful position in the world," said Palin, whose son Trig has Down syndrome. "These athletes overcome more challenges, discrimination and adversity than most of us ever will."

Kolan McConiughey, a 35-year-old Special Olympics bowler "who has bowled five perfect games since 2005," was more forgiving: "He's a cool guy. He's an awesome President and he has a very nice wife."

MORE ON SARAH VS. BARACK: Palin calls the stimulus money offered to Alaska "a bribe" and turns down 45 percent of the funds, some of which would go toward special education in the state. (Huh?)

Asks Alaska Dispatch: "What does that make stimulus money she took, and all the other federal money woven into the state?  What does it make the energy relief money Alaskans received last year? How does this name calling make federal leaders more likely to help Alaska in the future? In these unusually trying circumstances, the governor was wrong not to accept the stimulus money, and she compounded her mistake by injecting divisive inflammatory rhetoric into the discussion."

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OTHER ALASKANS would prefer to keep the cash: They staged a rally in Anchorage over the weekend.

COMPETITION FOR SARAH? "Conservatives size up Sanford for 2012."

ARE THE PALINS KEEPING BRISTOL AND LEVI APART? Who cares, but maybe, writes Immortal Majority: "I have confirmation that Todd Palin and Levi Johnston had a HUGE argument in Wasilla after Bristol snuck out of the house to see Levi after being told not to. This directly contradicts everything the Palins said about Bristol and Levi's relationship."

MORE ON WOLVES: Todd Palmer and Rob Pringle at Huffington Post write long, boring, only tangentially Palin-related defense of wolves. HuffPo tags it "Sarah Palin Killing Wolves." Spicy!

Photo by aka Kath

IF SHE DID RUN, HE WOULD CRUSH HER, a new poll finds [PDF]. "A new national [Public Policy Polling] poll finds that nominating Palin could be a death wish for the party, with Barack Obama leading Palin 55-35 in a hypothetical contest. The key reason Palin would lose to Obama by so much is that even though she might be the top choice for a certain segment of voters within her party, there's also a number of Republicans who say they would vote for Obama if their party nominated Palin." [via ThunderPig].

ALASKANS STILL LOVE HER: Palin enjoys a high approval rating in her state:

Very positive 40.5
Somewhat positive 20.8 percent
Somewhat negative 12.5 percent
Very negative 20.2 percent
Don't know/Didn't answer 6 percent

Her staff still sucks, though.

WHY IS GRETA V.S. SARAH PALIN'S OFFICIAL JOURNO? Greta Van Susteren has bombarded the populace with interviews with Palins big and small. The Washington Post’s Chris Cillizza knows why: Her husband, John Coale, is a friend of the governor:

Coale, a well-known Washington lawyer and the husband of Fox News Channel’s Greta Van Susteren, drew national media attention when he endorsed Sen. John McCain’s presidential bid in protest of the way in which Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who he backed in the primary, was treated. Coale, in an interview with the Fix, described himself simply as a “friend” of the Alaska governor but acknowledged that he suggested she start a leadership PAC and helped her navigate through some of the questions surrounding her family that lingered after the campaign. Others familiar with Palin’s political team insist that Coale has far more power than he is letting on—essentially helping to run Sarah PAC. Coale demurred on that front, noting only that he talks to Palin regularly and that she is a “fascinating person” who is “definitely not what the right thinks or the left thinks.”

GRETA ON WHY SHE'S A NEUTRAL PALIN REPORTER:

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[via ThinkProgress]

PALIN HEADLINE OF THE DAY, from Politico's Ben Smith: "Palin Clashes With Feds on Wolves"

MADONNA is to Hillary Clinton as Britney Spears is to Sarah Palin: “Britney is not Madonna,” writes  Spears tour reviewer Jed Gottlieb. “She just ain’t. Madonna is Hillary Clinton. She’s whip smart and survives, even thrives by adapting. And Lord knows she wants it more than anyone. Britney is Sarah Palin. Baby drama headlines. Podunk back story and a massive industry machine behind her. She’s a manufactured star aimed at the lowest common denominator.”

Photo by Kurisu

CAN SARAH PALIN SEE THIS WOMAN FROM HER HOUSE? Some are hailing this leggy blond Livejournal blogger as the future "Russian Sarah Palin" (or at the very least, the Russian Ann Coulter). She's 24, hates immigrants, and has been photographed "drunk, wrapped in a Cuban flag" (right). An excerpt from her blog:

"Думаю, заметку про меня в Дейли Мейл нужно как-нибудь откомментить. Поскольку журналисты иногда стесняются спрашивать и предпочитают додумывать:)"

Incendiary!

Her name is Maria Sergeyeva. Know it.

THE LEVI VIDEO: Hunky redneck expounds on "maturity" from truck:

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Aww.

SHE WORKS HARD FOR THE MONEY: Republicans hope for the Palin draw: "Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin will serve as the keynote speaker at the GOP congressional committees' annual fundraising dinner in June, helping the party boost its coffers in an otherwise tough climate for collecting cash," WaPo reports. The gala will be held June 8.

IN OTHER FORMER CANDIDATE KID SPOTLIGHT NEWS: McCain spawn and Daily Beast contributer Meghan McCain thinks women who call her fat can kiss her "fat ass."

NEXT UP: GAY IS THE NEW TEEN PREGNANCY: New Majority's David Frum says Bristol proves the GOP can't win on morality alone. Anti-gay attitudes still make the cut; traditional family values, not so much. "Many conservatives carry in their heads a mental image of American society that’s a generation out of date. They imagine the existence of a huge class of socially conservative downscale voters, ready to vote Republican because of abortion and gay marriage. The story of Bristol Palin should help puncture this illusion."

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: This anonymous Internet commenter has found a new sport for Todd:
"Run, Levi, run. Sarah and Todd will give you five minutes head start. If you hear a helicopter, try to hide."

FINALLY, SOMEBODY MAKES SENSE: Levi Johnston, 19-year-old ex-fiancee of Bristol Palin, told Good Morning America that he's not yet mature enough to get married. "It’s just us not—me not—being mature enough,” he said. "We were in a fight. And trying to see if we can make things work. But this is what it kind of ended up turning into. But we’ll see what happens."

Johnston said he and Bristol broke up "about two months" after the birth of their son, Tripp. The two are open to reconciliation—when they're more mature.

COMMENCE THE SHAMING PROCESS! "Excuse me?" writes Kevin D. of Dean's World. "You’re mature enough to have sex with her, father a child by her, but you’re not mature enough to marry her? . . . And this is why abstinence only education is the only sex education that makes sense."

Hmm, okay, not the conclusion to which I would immediately jump. Let's find out where Bristol and Levi really fall on the maturity scale, shall we?

[ x ] MATURE ENOUGH to have sex
[   ] MATURE ENOUGH to be allowed to decide how to handle the results of that sex
[ x ] MATURE ENOUGH to be allowed to decide whether or not to get married (finally).

Looks like they're improving!

BRISTOL JUUUUUST GREAT: "Bristol is doing great, just great!," Palin told reporters over the weekend.

BRISTOL PALIN SPRING SPORTS CORNER: Bristol missed out on the Girl Scout cookie sales because she was out performing other adolescent activities repackaged as "state business." "Oh, Bristol is over at the state capitol building golfing in a miniature golf tournament," Palin told People. "It's a fundraiser and she's up there taking my place while I'm here." Also—oh, my God—some poor People reporter has probably been stationed in Alaska, following the Palins, since the Republican National Convention. Our hearts go out to your loved ones.

BRISTOL "UNCOOL": HuffPo's Bonnie Fuller thinks that "the Palin women take public trashing to a whole new and totally uncool level." Fuller gets most of her insight on this topic from an interview Johnston's sister, Mercede, gave to Star magazine, so she's working from pretty solid academic ground here. The story alleged that Bristol refused to allow Johnston to see their baby and that she called his family "white trash."

Writes Fuller: "Now, the reason I don't doubt Mercede's version of the story—Bristol trashing her ex and his family—is because of the very public trashing and more, that her mom has been tied to, which also involves an ex-in-law: Sarah's brother-in-law."

Let's put aside for a moment the fact that all the Star interview proves is that Johnston's sister publicly outed her brother's personal problems while smearing his ex-fiancee's character. Both Bristol and Johnston have since said the report was riddled with errors.

Still, Fuller uses the evidence to prove that Bristol is a Troopergate-level bitch, just like her mother: "You better not mess with those Palin women when romance goes awry," writes Fuller. "Slicing and dicing exes appears to be in the family genes."

Photo by aburt

FINALLY: FIANCEE TURNS BABYDADDY, says Sharon Cobb, who thinks the whole blessed holy matrimony schtick Palin paraded the kids around for was just some racist bullshit to begin with:

Why is it that when a white teenage woman gets pregnant out of wedlock it's a 'blessed event' and the father is the 'fiancé,' but a person of color is someone we think of as someone on welfare and the man is just the baby daddy? . . . Racism. Alive and sick in America. That's the difference, and had the Obamas had an 18 year old daughter who was pregnant during the election, you know damn well the stereotypes would have run rampant.

Cobb ends her smack-down by sending Bristol some well-wishes: "Hopefully, her baby daddy former flame will participate as a father."

LEVI SEES TRIP, Bristol says and AP reports: "Levi sees the baby whenever he wants, the family sees the baby whenever they want," family spokeswoman Meghan Stapleton told the news org. "Bristol is not preventing anybody from seeing Tripp at any point in time."

AP IS ALL OVER THIS BRISVI SHIT: The motives of Mercede Johnston, or "Sadie" to Stapleton, have come into question. Stapleton "speculated money was involved in the tabloid interview," saying that "the fact that it is a tabloid and a soft interview, there could be an incentive to say things. . . . We don't even know if Sadie said that." Martin Gould, senior executive editor for Star, the magazine that published the Sadie interview, "declined to say if Mercede Johnston was paid to speak to the Star. But he said the report was accurate."

WHAT WILL LEVI DO WITH HIS "BRISTOL" RING TATTOO? No, really, what is this dude going to do about that. Cover it with a real wedding ring?

COULD BRISTOL'S SPLIT HELP PALIN'S FUTURE? "These are not the kind of news stories that Palin might hope for, adding to earlier controversies over her fondness for expensive clothes and use of public money for family holidays that have consistently dogged her. Yet once again she is back in the news, and in media-saturated America that gives her an enormous strength that few within the flailing and defeated Republican party can emulate."

BRISTOL AND LEVI WERE DOOMED, Chicago Tribune reports. Dooooomed, I tell you!:

"Despite high expectations, less than 8 percent of teen mothers marry the baby's father within one year of the birth," said Bill Albert, chief program officer for the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy. "That is magical thinking. It almost never happens."

Steve Waldman over at Beliefnet wonders if Bristol should have put Tripp up for adoption. Along the way, he actually admits that he thinks a former Vice Presidential candidate's seventeen years old indignation over fictional unwed mother Murphy Brown was spot-on. "I dunno. I was with Dan Quayle on that one," he writes. Awesome.

LEVI ON THE BREAK-UP: Nineteen-year-old Levi Johnston is single, ladies! His coming out party was held in front of his Wasilla home and was attended by a horde of bloodthirsty reporters. He told the AP that the decision to end things with 18-year-old Bristol was mutual and decided "a while ago." According to the AP, "He also said some details of the breakup, rumors of which had been swirling on the Internet, were inaccurate."

THE PAPES REACT: Freedom Eden compiles the worst of the worst:

Chicago Tribune: "No one saw this coming, right?"

Politico: "It's true. You probably don't believe it."

Los Angeles Times: "Bristol Palin, fiance Levi Johnston split. Surprised?"

Boston Herald: "Isn’t this the same Bristol Palin who told Fox News Channel’s Greta Van Susteren last month that her fiancee was a hands-on dad to their son, Tripp, and they hoped to marry after finishing their education?"

And my personal favorite (drumroll please) Christian Science Monitor: "Not even the Love Boat had a happy ending every time. . . . Remember when Charo had a crush on Capitan Stubing and they didn’t end up together? Although we were all heartbroken, Charo moved on. So will Bristol Palin. For all we know, she may be the Charo of the 21st century."

PILE IT ON: Rabbi Ben Kamin, "Spiritual Life Examiner," also has something to say!:

It’s impossible not to think of Tripp, the 2½ month-old innocent baby boy who will now not have his father as husband to his mother and whose life will be stamped with the history of an out-of-wedlock pregnancy and the failure of a couple to keep their much-ballyhooed public promise to wed and raise their son as a family.

Oh yeah, two teenagers who were only engaged because some lady who wanted to be the most powerful Vice President in United States History made them do it, should probably just stay together "for the kids." That always works out.

HUFFPO'S SNARK: Isn't just insensitive—it's incorrect. Writes Michael Shaw on an "award-winning image by photographer Melina Mara" from Election 2008 that clearly takes on a richer meaning now that Brisvi are over:

I mean, it's all there: the smirk; the fact sister Willow was mostly the one schlepping Trig; and the irony—since Bristol's since had her own baby—of being left holding the bottle. (And then, contributing to the family values, remember First Dude's tendency—out of the spotlight—to put all kinds of distance between himself and little Trig?)

Except that Bristol's the one holding Trig. Willow's holding the bottle. The smirk is all hers. And I don't remember seeing First Dude outside of the spotlight.

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: Not a good day for sporting, dudes.

Photo by Emily from Wikipedia Commons

LEVI & BRISTOL: DUNZO? Radar reports that the forthcoming Palin and Johnston union has been scratched. All the deets, courtesy of Star magazine:

But in a new interview with Star Magazine, Levi's sister Mercede Johnston says Bristol actually broke up with Levi more than a month ago, is not attending school and rarely lets her baby daddy see their young son. Mercede also says Bristol even told him that she hates him and, when she learned she was pregnant, wished the baby wasn't his.

Mercede told Star: "Bristol's just crazy. That's the nicest way I can put it. She and Levi actually broke up a while ago!"

Apparently, Levi is also far from being a hands-on dad. Said Mercede: "Levi tries to visit Tripp every single day, but Bristol makes it nearly impossible for him. She tells him he can't take the baby to our house because she doesn't want him around 'white trash.' She treats him so badly!"

NEW WAYS TO KILL BEARS! Palin's "Board of Game" (yes!) has outlined "new guidelines in a predator control program that now allows the use of paw snares to catch and kill bears, and helicopters for access. . . . Under the new guidelines, hunters can use snares to trap black bears in a specific area and can access the area via private helicopters. As for wolves, state employees are now authorized to use poison gas to kill wolf pups, orphaned after aerial hunting, in their dens."

Orphaned wolf pups? That's not good for publicity!

COURIC HONORED FOR PWNING PALIN: She received a Cronkite award for "Special Achievement for National Impact on the 2008 Campaign," or: totally throwing down.

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: What do you do when the snowmachine races have ended? Throw some back with Joe Six Pack. What's Todd's best bet for scoring a free beer? A Wasilla joint known as the Mug Shot:

Mug Shot is the biggest pro-palin spot in the valley. People wondered why she (when she was mayor) agreed that valley bars could be open until 5:00 am. Because the owner contributed big time to her campaign. It’s weird – back in the 80’s the Mug Shot was the place to score coke. Everyone knew. But hey – campaign contributions trump everything! It’s just funny how things turn out. And Alaska is a small town (not to mention Wasilla).

OK: MORE BRISTOL AND LEVI: "The worst part, Mercede continues, is that the former vice presidential candidate supports Bristol's treatment of Levi, 19. 'I used to love Sarah,' Mercede says sadly. 'But I've lost lots of respect for her.'"

MORE LATER: "For more photos and details, including the hate-filled text message

Bristol sent Levi, the cheating rumors, the lies about Bristol's schooling, the Johnston family's plan to win back Tripp and exclusive photos of the baby boy, pick up the March 23 issue of Star, on stands now!"

Photo by bpende

OKAY, NOT 2012: 2016 is Palin's number, says Palin biographer Lorenzo Benet, whose name delightfully continues to appear in my Google Alerts! Perhaps, one day, Lorenzo Benet, you will earn your own Google Alert in my RSS feed. Never give up on the dreams that I project upon you, Lorenzo Benet.

NO LITMUS TEST? Palin has selected former Planned Parenthood board member Morgan Christen as the next Alaskan Supreme Court justice. Reports the Alaska Daily News:

Christen’s application included her membership in several charitable groups, including some from her past, but did not mention that she was on the board of Planned Parenthood in the mid-1990s. The organization, which didn’t provide abortions in Alaska until 2003, is now on the opposite side of a Palin-supported bill to require girls under 17 to get parental consent for an abortion.

The appointment was protested by conservative Christians in the state.

PALIN MAKES COMIC BOOK DEBUT: The "Female Force" series, penned by Florida artist Vinnie Tartamella, features Michelle Obama, Hillary Clinton, Caroline Kennedy and Sarah Palin, superwomen who "are popular and influential, regardless of political affiliation." The first issue will feature Palin and Clinton, together at last!

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: No Todd Palin sporting advice this morning. Somebody get this man to a snow machine, stat!

TOO HOT TO HANDLE? Science has proven that Sarah Palin's attractiveness broke the Republican party. "“It wasn’t her appearance per se," psychologist Nathan Heflick said. “It was the effect her appearance had on their perception of her competence and humanity. Those variables made people less likely to vote for her.” But who are we to take science at face value? Still waiting on the nation's religious leaders to weigh in on whether Palin is too hot, or just hot enough.

BRISTOL PALIN: MOOSEBURGER FUNNIES! Via The Immortal Minority, via Alaska Ear:

Let's talk about Bristol, who appears to have inherited her mother's sense of humor.

It seems that people wanting to support the efforts of the World Wildlife Fund against Alaska's hunting and predator control policies have been making donations and directing the fund to send the fuzzy stuffed animals one gets in return to Gov. Palin.

An earwig in a position to actually know something once in a while says Bristol called her mom last week to report three more stuffed wolves had shown up at the house.

Mom wondered (perhaps not sincerely?) what they might send the WWF fans as a thank-you for the stuffed wolves.

Bristol suggested packages of moose meat might be just the thing.

Photo by Mike Licht

Welcome back to “Daily Palin,” in which we detail Sarah Palin’s refusal to go away—every day. The morning news from backstage at the Alaskan-funded "Curves" ribbon-cutting ceremony, below:

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: Above: Todd Palin's yearbook photo from Wasilla High. A-woo-ga! HOWEVER: does that mean Sarah was lying when she told reporters, "Todd grew up in Dillingham... after high school he realised that he had to leave that village... capitalised on an opportunity upon the North Slope... using the skills he learned growing up in rural Alaska...Todd left the village, he has been working upon the slope... it was a win win situation for him... he would come back to the village... blah blah..." ? (rough transcription courtesy of Palingates).

SOME DUDE: Asks if Levi Johnson can be arrested for statutory rape for doin' Bristol when she was 17 and he was 18. NOPE: The age of consent in Alaska is 16, says some other dude.

CAUGHT READING BOOK: Palin Confusion spots this photo of Sarah holding a book (!!) A quick zoom reveals the tome to be The Dangerous Days of Daniel by James Patterson and Michael Ledwidge. A quick trip to the local library reveals The Dangerous Days of Daniel to be "a Young Adult book, looks like Sci-fi adventure." Nice work team!

PALIN PAYING: Sarah will cough up $6,800 to cover nine family trips she had originally billed to Alaska.

WHERE DID SARAH GO? Let's count 'em!

NINE. "The state paid about $13 for Palin's daughter Bristol to go to opening night of 'Beauty and the Beast' at the Valley Performing Arts Center, according Palin's lawyer, Thomas Van Flein. A travel form filed by Palin says the governor was scheduled to attend the show too, as a narrator."

EIGHT. "Willow Palin flew round-trip [to] an Alaska Moose Federation banquet with the governor."

SEVEN. "Palin's three daughters joined the governor in the Southeast town of Skagway for a potluck dinner."

SIX. "Willow and Piper flew with the governor round-trip to Cordova on a state-owned King Air propeller plane for the taping of a documentary on shorebirds."

FIVE.  "Bristol traveled with Palin to New York for Newsweek's Third Annual Women and Leadership Conference. Her airfare cost $1,385, plus $38 for a meal. Travel forms say she stayed at the $707-a-night Jumeirah Essex House with the governor."

FOUR. "Willow and Piper flew to Juneau for the governor's state of the state speech on the state's King Air." [Come on, give 'em this one! -ed]

THREE. "The state paid $540 for Piper to fly round-trip from Juneau to Anchorage . . . She went to the start of the Tesoro Iron Dog race, where Todd Palin was a competitor."

TWO. "Piper flew commercially from Juneau to Anchorage at a cost of $276 for a Curves ribbon-cutting ceremony and a bill signing."

ONE. "Bristol and Piper fly with the governor to the National Governors Association meeting in Philadelphia, at a cost of $1,449."

RECORD-STOP: "Piper flew commercially from Juneau to Anchorage at a cost of $276 for a Curves ribbon-cutting ceremony and a bill signing."

BE LIKE BRISTOL: Because they are sexist and/or simply completely inane, U.S. News and World Report asked readers who they'd rather have run their kids' daycare center: Michelle Obama, Sarah Palin, Hillary Clinton, or Nancy Pelosi. Guess who's winning?

BECAUSE, WHY NOT: Question of the day: "Has Bristol Palin weighed in on the Octomom?"

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: Todd Palin's snow machine of choice: Revealed! Dude drives a He "two stroke engine Arctic Cat snowmobile." What can that baby do? Dump "the same number of some pollutants into the environment as driving a Chevy Malibu 28 times around the earth at the equator." Wicked.

HONOR BRISTOL: Choice Matters sayeth: "The temptation is to be glib, to say “duh! You think after getting pregnant and having the baby, while a teenager in high school…” but that would be an easy shot and a meaningless one." Instead, send her a fucking t-shirt. Click here to view Choice Matters' choices, including the "Oops . . . Plan B" Spaghetti Tank.

SARAH PALIN: HERO. Obama is first. Jesus is second. Sarah Palin came in 21st. Hey, she beat Bill Gates.

BLAME/COMMEND The Miss America Foundation for getting Sarah Palin through college—all four of them!

IN DEFENSE OF THE MEDIA: Matt Lauer "never called Palin a moron."

PALIN 2012 WATCH: Since we all know Palin will clinch the Republican nomination anyway, let's start speculating on running-mates. How about this guy? Sure, whatever.

DRINK THE SAND (SARAH PALIN IS THE SAND): "The people who criticize Sarah Palin, occasionally have valid arguments, but they’re missing the point. If perhaps some of Sarah Palin is sand, or muddied water, she’s at least something and she knows it; the Republican Party is practically nothing and it doesn’t." [Via]

[youtube:v=2Vm8N7qHoWA]

MEDIA NOT TO BLAME, REPORTS MEDIA: Greg Mitchell, author of Why Obama Won, feels some need to defend "the media" against claims that it caused Sarah Palin's downfall. I'd quote from it, but it's all super boring.

OKAY: NOW BACK TO BRISTOL!

MEANWHILE, DEBBIE SCHLUSSEL IS NOT AMUSED. Commenting on some blog, Debbie writes:

Not only does she not believe in abstinence, but she doesn’t believe in marriage either, apparently, since it’s been almost a year since she learned she was pregnant and almost two months since she had the kid. And yet, she’s still a baby mama. Hilarious that people call her mother– who enabled this baby mamahood and continues to put a roof over it– the “conservative of the year.” Simply hilarious. Not only has America become socialist under Obama, but conservatives have abandoned any sense of family values. In this one family– the new template for America’s conservative movement– you have a Mr. Mom, teenage pregnancy, single motherhood, and opposition to abstinence teaching. Awesome.

COMMENTER OL-DIRTY-/B/TARD RESPONDS: "Debbie Schlussel is a stupid whore."

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: Big ups to Toddy's body from the National Ledger: But the ladies can attest that one of the biggest draws of Sarah Palin was sexy, help around the house, husband, Todd Palin, better known as Alaska's First Dude."

MORE BRISTOL: Can Greta Van Susteren ask a fucking question? I'm not convinced. Let's review:

"I don’t want to pry too personally, but I mean, actually, contraception is an issue here. Is that something that you were just lazy about or not interested, or do you have a philosophical or religious opposition to it or…"

"So it’s not just an issue of abstinence. That’s one issue. But once we get beyond that — you know, because when you have the discussion of abstinence, it’s almost — I always sort of feel badly because there’s a wonderful child here and talking abstinence sounds — I mean, it sounds…"

"You know, the bigger topic is, OK, now the situation—the bigger question is, like, now—you know, how to make it go right."

THE FAIRBANKS DAILY NEWS-MINER LAST WORD: My very favorite Alaskan newspaper writes that as oil prices fall, so does Palin's cred in the "lower 48": "'Given these bad times, she's going to have a much more difficult time traveling outside Alaska,' said Larry Sabato, director of the University of Virginia's Center for Politics. 'When times are good, people will let their governor roam. In bad times, citizens expect their governor to stay home and work on solving the problems.'"

Bristol Palin appeared on Greta Van Susteren's show last night, and Van Susteren actually asked her if she was "lazy about or not interested in" contraception. Palin replied, "I don't want to get into detail about that," which probably means, "The condom broke, and you can't buy emergency contraception from the Wasilla pharmacist if you're the teenage daughter of the Alaskan governor who doesn't even support emergency contraception for victims of rape, or yeah, maybe I'm just fucking lazy, Greta."

She also says abstinence doesn't work, which is pretty awesome.

The full transcript after the jump.

GRETA VAN SUSTEREN: "I don't want to pry too personally, but i mean, obviously contraception is an issue here. Is that something you're just uh, lazy about or not interested in, or do you have a philosophical or religious opposition to it, or?"

BRISTOL PALIN: "No, I don't want to get into detail about that, but i think abstinence is like, like the—I don't know how to put it—like, the main—everybody should be abstinent or whatever but it's not realistic at all."

GVS: "Why?"

BP: "Because—I don't want to get into detail about it."

GVS: "Well, without you being personal, just big picture, not an essay about you."

BP: "Because it's more accepted now."

Introducing “Daily Palin,” in which we detail Sarah Palin’s refusal to go away—every day. The morning news from behind Palin's fake, nonprescription lenses:

DEFENDING SARAH: DraftPalin2012 has crafted this handy guide to fielding Palin criticisms from friends, lovers, feminists, etc:

STEP ONE: BLAME THE BLOGS. "In answering criticisms about Sarah we need to be very brief and direct. When something is a lie, such as 'Bristol is really Trig's mother,' we need to say: 'That is a lie spread by the Obama Campaign through its loyal servants at The Daily Kos.' Period."

STEP TWO: KNOW YOUR HISTORY. "When a feminist says, 'Sarah wears clear glasses to make her look intellectual,' we should say: 'Sarah has been near-sighted since childhood, like her daughter Piper, and she's worn glasses since she was 10.' Period."

STEP THREE: DENY. "When someone says, 'Well, Sarah implied they sold [former Alaska Governor] Murkowski's jet on E-Bay,' we reply: 'She never said it. She never implied it. They tried to sell it on E-Bay and, when they didn't get the offers they wanted, they sold it through a broker. It was sold—period—and Sarah never used it.'"

PERIOD.

ON THE RECORD: Palin appeared on Greta Van Sustren's show last night, revealing many things! In other news, I do not have a television.

BUY LIKE PALIN: Sarah Palin's favorite store, an Anchorage thrift store called ''Out of the Closet,'' has changed its name after complaints from the AIDS Healthcare Foundation, which owns the name (and its own chain of charity shops). According to the L.A. Times, "The shop's new name is 'Second Run.' With a name like that, it can still be Sarah Palin's favorite store. She can buy her 2012 campaign wardrobe there. With her own money."

LEVI AND BRISTOL: SEPARATED BEFORE MARRIAGE? Trailblazer author Lorenzo Benet has the deets: "Bristol lived in Anchorage with her aunt and uncle while she was pregnant. She worked at two espresso shops and remained a full time student at West High School. Levi was 40 miles away in Wasilla, but he would still drive to Anchorage to take Bristol out."

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: One lucky Alaskan snapped a photo with 1D after his Iron Dog dismount. "Todd Palin after 2000 miles on a snow machine (that's a snow mobile for all of us in the Outside) without a shower is still one hot dude! Don't you agree?" she writes. I don't not agree!

QUICK PALIN QUOTE FROM SOMEONE WHOSE OPINION DOESN'T MATTER: Janeane Garofalo on Palin: "An asshole is an asshole regardless of gender."

ADD IT TO THE BLOGROLL: There's a Blogspot dedicated to "Praying for the Palin Family." Sample prayer:

Good morning Father,

Today is the first day of February and I pray that as we move about our business of worshiping you, we will remember to pray for others. Lord, I pray that this month you will work in our hearts. I ask that you soften them so we will be more loving and compassionate towards all people. Lord, help us to love those who hate us.

Lord, I know that many would love to see Sarah and her family fail but Lord I pray that you will protect her an keep her shielded from harm. Lord, give her the strength to love those who desire her harm and ill will. Lord, keep her heart and ours soft and ready to love at all times.

Lord, keep us tender in the name of Jesus

Amen.

Photo by fimoculous

EAT IT, JUDD: Somebody wrote Sarah Palin a letter the other day confirming that aerial wolf-hunting was a "scientifically valid and sound method of predator management." GRRROWL! The sender was "a group of pro-hunting organizations."

RUMORS: Has Levi Johnston knocked up another woman? And is he going for some sort of record?

LINCOLN, DARWIN, AND ... "Sarah Palin’s birthday was February 10 and Charles Darwin and Abe Lincoln on February 12. If the heavens tell us that people born in the same month have similar ways, are these folks compatible?" asks starperson Carol Forsloff. Well: "Palin believes intelligent design and evolution should both be taught and considers Darwin’s conclusions to be theory. Her critics say she doesn’t support scientist’s findings about endangered species either. So there’s no compatibility in the discipline that requires a specific type of personality and thought, which is science." THAT'S GOTTA HURT coming from someone who deals with dingbat celebrity astrology.

APPARENTLY Palin's also the "daughter of a science teacher."

I WOULD HAVE TITLED IT, PALIN AROUND WITH TERRORISTS. Following Sarah Palin's claim that Obama was "pallin' around with terrorists," one of said terrorists, Bill Ayers, wrote Palin a note suggesting the pair team up for "a talk show called Pallin’ Around With Sarah and Bill." He hasn't heard back.

DISABLED PERSON JOKES: Homebrewed Christianity rewrites the text on the SarahPAC homepage . . . to make funnies!

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORT CORNER: A Mommylife mom met Sarah Palin at the "Iron Dog snowmachine race." Ha ha, snowmachine. Anyway: "After we met, she had a chance to speak to the crowd and racers directly. I especially loved the part where she asked for God's protection over them as they race to Nome then Fairbanks. I love a politician who is not afraid to let everyone know what she believes." Meanwhile,

FIRST DUDE STILL LOSING. Currently, he's fifth.

* Photos of Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston's son, Tripp, have netted the underage couple $300,000 from People magazine. Is that enough to get the fuck out of Wasilla and never look back? Or just enough to fund a forced white wedding?

* Dude blogger Roissy in D.C. knows how to identify a slut! She is sarcastic, wears no underwear, and has "that crazy, hyper, coked-up look in her eyes." Roissy knows this because he has had sex with many, many sluts, which raises the question—does Roissy wear underwear?

* Zack at The New Gay writes on the type of gay men straight men are comfortable befriending:

Recently, a straight guy told my boyfriend how much he loved him for not letting his gayness define him as a person. In short, he was really excited that my boyfriend was gay, but not "gay like that."

* Note to cops: Don't threaten feminist bloggers; they'll put it on YouTube and make fun of you for only having one friend on MySpace (Tom).

* Tiger Beatdown calls out the New York Times Book Review for its glowing Phyllis McGinley review:

Ginia Bellafante, apparently not into this whole "history and also actual well-documented fact" thing, seems to recall the 1950s differently: as a blissful Eden, from which women were expelled when they ate from the Tree of Wanting an Actual Freaking Choice.

Photo via trialsanderrors.

If Bristol and Levi dress as Juno MacGuff and Paulie Bleeker for Halloween, I will vote for John McCain. Promise.

Last month, reports of a 17-year-old Palin spawn's unplanned pregnancy briefly satiated tabloid hunger for babies-having-babies coverage. The announcement redirected the evergreen "Pregnant Teen" story from Britney sis and new mom Jamie Lynn Spears, also 17, who gave birth to her first child in June. Now, tabs like the National Enquirer (probably more reliable than USA Today!) are again turning their exacting eyes on Spears. "Whoops—she did it again!" reports the Enquirer:

“Jamie Lynn is about eight weeks pregnant, and she and her mom Lynne are hysterical,” revealed a close source. “Neither of them knows what to do, but for now they’re trying to keep the news from getting out.”

"Too late," sneers the Enquirer, after reporting that Spears' "pals are begging her to abort."

There's something very strange about outing celebrity pregnancies (many gossip mags have their own "bump watch" to perpetuate the fetal rumormongering). But reporting on the reproductive activities of underage girls—those who are raised in the shadow of fame, and those who encounter it, suddenly, when their personal lives become political news—can be downright sinister.

Here's why: Teen girls, for the most part, aren't planning to become mothers. Those who do carry a pregnancy to term stand to sacrifice their childhoods, leave school, and abandon their career paths in order to become moms. That choice, of course, is a valid one. But by poaching these girls' pregnancy stories before they're able to even make that choice, the tabloid, blog, or mainstream paper that outs a girl's pregnancy effectively eliminates her option to choose abortion. It's a funny thing about conservative families, industries, and cultures—the abortion option looks a hell of a lot better when it's done in secret, without neighbors, friends, or the entire media knowing about it. Once the pregnancy is revealed, though, you've got a baby, a marriage, and a hastily-worded press release on your hands.

The shame machine affects girls in pro-choice environments, too (like Godless, liberal Hollywood). No matter a girl's situation, if a tabloid gets her pregnancy story out before she does, "pro-choice" politics bend to a more powerful force: PR. (Yeah, adoption's probably off the table, too).

So here's the rule on pregnant teen coverage, Enquirer. It's only a story when she says it's a baby. Hey, there's an upside, tabloids: When you don't shame a teen into having a baby, it's a lot easier for you to continue to shame her for having the baby.

Photo by Pete Barr-Watson.