Last week on the Sexist, we payed tribute to the wedding industry's focus on women's "health," as evidenced through its tireless "BIG DAY" diet promotions, its images of women squeezing into too-small white dresses, and its total obsession with brides, not grooms. Commenters weighed in (GET IT?):

Shinobi on what wedding "health" looks like:

I remember one time a friend of mine was eating nothing but special K for two weeks before her wedding. (to fit into her dress, which she had purchased while on weight watchers.) Our conversations were pretty much limited to what she had eaten for the last two days, oh yeah, super interesting. When I failed to be particularly supportive she was all “Don’t you want me to be HEALTHY!?!?!?!?!”

And so I realized the error of my ways. The true road to health is crash dieting to fit into dresses.

Jess on the very healthy double standards of wedding "health":

I am getting married in October, and I cannot believe the amount of pressure I am getting from family and coworkers about my weight. I am a lifetime member of Weight Watchers, having met my goal a long time ago. I am a healthy weight for my height (5′9, 150lbs) and my wedding dress is a size 8. But all my coworkers and some annoying family members are telling me that I really should “tone up” or take off about 10 more lbs. Why? Why am I supposed to starve myself for a freaking wedding?! Not a chance!

Oh, and my fiance is about 25lbs overweight. No one has said a word to him about his weight and the wedding.

juicepockets on the beautiful moments that a focus on wedding "health" inspires between family members:

I was a fat bride three years ago (am still fat), and the amount of guff I got from my mom about it was alternately infuriating and heartbreaking. At one of my dress fittings, my mom looked at my reflection in the mirror and said sadly, “Your arms are so big.” Oh well, I wore the shit out of my sleeveless dress anyway!If you want an antitode to the People piece, take a look at the Museum of Fat Love.

Lesley of Fatshionista.com created the site to document ACTUAL EVIDENCE that fatties can and do find love and even sometimes GET MARRIED WHILE FAT. The gallery is full of adorable fatties in love.

PD on the media's helpful focus on wedding "health":

I was a fat bride two years ago. I’ve gotten fatter since—the back of my dress kept popping open because I’d put on a few pounds right before the wedding, and my husband shed blood trying to pin me back into it. Frankly, I think I looked great on my wedding day, probably better than I ever have in my life including my high school days, when I was definitely at my most fit.

No one who knows me personally—besides my mother, who does it all the time—suggested I try to lose weight in the two years I spent planning my wedding. I was, however, inundated with weight loss advice from the numerous wedding-related magazines and web sites I immersed myself in. Everywhere I looked I saw ads for “GET FIT FOR THE BIG DAY” schemes, and everyone on the internet was really, really invested, apparently, in making sure I was as trim and toned as possible before walking down the aisle. HOW DARE I be fat on my wedding day, when EVERYONE IN THE WORLD would see those pictures FOREVER? How dare I look at those pictures and think about how happy everyone was and what a great time we all had and how great the man I married is instead of focusing on how flabby my arms looked that day?

Listen, I’m like 70 pounds overweight, I know this is not great and it’s not healthy. I’m down with that. I’m also down with my own body—the body my husband has loved for 10 years, from 150 pounds to 230 pounds—even if the rest of the world is not. The wedding weight loss thing is, like pretty much everything else related to weddings, a scam to make money and make women feel like they have to conform to a certain standard of what brides should look like. I’m pretty sure your “bridal white” yoga mat costs twice as much as a regular one because someone screen-printed some doves and “FUTURE MRS. ____” on it or something.

Photo via sylvar, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Earlier this week, I engaged in some light mockery of a People Magazine contest encouraging brides-to-be to lose weight before their wedding days. But yesterday, some commenters pointed out why this is no joking matter: Did you know that these women are, like, fat? And you do know how unhealthy that is, right?

Holy shit, you guys, why didn't you say something earlier? People Magazine is doing women everywhere a public service by worrying so much about our health for us. And to think I almost dismissed this initiative out of hand! Let's take a closer look at this valuable asset that's been gifted to our gender.

Here's how the magazine describes this contest: "For the Next Nine Months, We're Following These Six Women as They Work with a Trainer and a Nutritionist to Get Smaller for Their Big Day." It is illustrated with a photograph of each woman grimacing as she struggles to fit into a dresses that is too small for her.

I'm sure by "smaller," People really means "healthier." And I'm sure by illustrating the piece with a photograph of each woman grimacing as she struggles to fit into a dresses that is too small for her, People really means for us to be seeing visions of crisp apples and unrolled yoga mats and shit. After all, as commenter Kit-Kat writes: "This is not about losing weight for purely aesthetic reasons. These women need to lose weight for health reasons." And they desperately need to do it juuuust before their wedding days, when everyone in their lives will be intently judging how unhealthy they are—in a totally non-aesthetic manner, of course. (As a special gift for their weddings, these loved ones will also conveniently ignore all the ways that diets like this are actually bad for you).

But don't take it from me: let's hear it straight from the dieters themselves:

* "Eager to 'be healthier,' Jones adds, 'I'd want to lose weight whether I was getting married or not.' But the thought of standing before 150 guests at the Biltmore Estate in Asheville, N.C., on her wedding day is 'an extra motivating factor,' she admits. 'I want to enjoy taking pictures—not running from the camera!'"

* "When Councell, 35, tried on wedding dresses for the first time, she was shocked to find out she was a size 16. 'I'll get married in a blanket before I buy a size-16 gown!' says the 5' bride."

* "Now she has a big reason to change her habits: When she exchanges vows with Head, 25, in October, 'I want my dress,' she says, 'to be very fitted.'"

* "Ever since she got engaged last October, one thought has consistently run through Quintero's head: Oh my gosh—I'm going to be a fat bride!"

* "When her high school sweetheart proposed in 2008, Cerrata, 26, was ecstatic—until she saw their engagement photos. 'I was like 'Put them away!' she says."

Well there you have it. This has absolutely nothing to do with appearance, and it certainly is completely unrelated to subtly shaming some women into believing that they are too fat to be loved, like, in public in front of everyone. That's why I'm excited for People to roll out the following health-related wedding promotions:

* People Magazine's Bride-to-Be Cholesterol Reduction Challenge: "I'll get married in a blanket before I get married with a high density lipoprotein level 50 mg/dL!' says the 5' bride."

* People Magazine's Bride-to-Be Wear Your Helmet Every Time You Ride Your Bike Challenge: "Now she has a big reason to change her habits: When she exchanges vows with Head, 25, in October, 'I want my helmet,' she says, 'to be very fitted.'"

* People Magazine's Bride-to-Be Regular Pap Smear Challenge: "When her high school sweetheart proposed in 2008, she was ecstatic—until she saw her irregular pap smear results. 'I was like 'Put them away!' she says."

* People Magazine's Bride-to-Be CPR Training Challenge: "Ever since she got engaged last October, one thought has consistently run through her head: Oh my gosh—I never learned CPR!"

* People Magazine's Bride-to-Be Social Anxiety Disorder Management Challenge: "I want to enjoy taking pictures—not running from the camera!'"

* People Magazine's Groom-to-be Weight Loss Challenge: Haha. JUST KIDDING.

Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. "The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,'Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,'" the device's inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. "I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob."

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy's proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call "the original cockbib." When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the "original" CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. "I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?" he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com's CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories "Caution: May Cause Trauma" and "Pussy Killer." Let's check 'em out!

5. "When Swallowing Is ... Not an Option!" The informative CockBib.

4. "Don't Talk With Your Mouth Full!" With a name like "CockBib," the infantalization was inevitable.

3. "Daddy's Little Squirt." When your product works equally well as a CockBib and a baby bib, you know you're doing something very, very wrong.

2. "Bride Breathalizer": For the pre-wedding date rape.

1. "Road Love . . . It's What Makes A Subaru, A Subaru." Gross. My parents have a Subaru.

What does a punk-rock bride wear to her big day? If designer Stephanie Ward's "Punk Rock Bride" collection is any indication, she wears the same flowey white thing the other brides wear—but with an attitude. Ward writes that she designs for the "bride who is looking for an original, non-traditional wedding dress." To me, these pretty, ruffled, white designs are perfect fit for the bride who wants a different kind of wedding dress—without sacrificing the traditional virginal imagery (or the cost).

Check out Ward's Joey Ramone-inspired off-white silk charmeuse creations, after the jump.

Joan Jett would be right at home with this bride's studded stilletos, passed-out-in-an-alley pose, and French chantilly lace overlay. $3,900.

This silk chiffon sleeve must be inspired by Judy's Ice Capades phase. $3,400.

Johnny Rotten was known to trade in the studded belt for this silk organza beaded band from time to time. $3,100.

If you stare longingly into this dress's silk chiffon ruffle and pleated overlay, you can just make out the outline of the Misfits' iconic fiend skull. Available in off-white. $3,800.

This layered silk ruffle-detail is perfect for the impromptu ceremony held under the highway overpass. $3,400.

Photos courtesy of Punk Rock Bride, LLC.

Because I am a riddle wrapped in an enigma, I frequent a blog called "DC NearlyWeds," a coterie of local pre-brides who while away their dwindling singledom by posting on the Internets about their betrothals. In my research of this Web log, I've found this disturbing trend: Many of these single ladies whose men have put a ring on it favor calling their bridesmaids "BMs."

One blogger asks if her BMs ought to pay for their own makeup. Half of this blogger's BMs have already bought their dresses. Another blogger seeks something yellow, like the "BM dresses," for her flower girl. Yet another expounds on a BM who has had gastric bypass surgery!

This nickname ranks up there with the most humiliating of bridesmaid rituals: The intentionally unflattering pastel dresses, the scuttle to catch the bride's bouquet, and now, sharing an abbreviation with "bowel movement." Oh, the humanity.

Photo by mahalie

Aventura, Fla, Jan. 16; Columbus, Ohio, Jan. 30; Boston, Mass., Feb. 20; Manhattan, Feb. 27; Atlanta, Ga., March 20.

Photo by mistercullen.