Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. “The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,’Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,’” the device’s inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. “I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob.”

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy’s proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call “the original cockbib.” When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the “original” CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. “I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?” he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com’s CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories “Caution: May Cause Trauma” and “Pussy Killer.” Let’s check ‘em out!

5. “When Swallowing Is … Not an Option!” The informative CockBib.

4. “Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full!” With a name like “CockBib,” the infantalization was inevitable.

3. “Daddy’s Little Squirt.” When your product works equally well as a CockBib and a baby bib, you know you’re doing something very, very wrong.

2. “Bride Breathalizer“: For the pre-wedding date rape.

1. “Road Love . . . It’s What Makes A Subaru, A Subaru.” Gross. My parents have a Subaru.

What does a punk-rock bride wear to her big day? If designer Stephanie Ward’s “Punk Rock Bride” collection is any indication, she wears the same flowey white thing the other brides wear—but with an attitude. Ward writes that she designs for the “bride who is looking for an original, non-traditional wedding dress.” To me, these pretty, ruffled, white designs are perfect fit for the bride who wants a different kind of wedding dress—without sacrificing the traditional virginal imagery (or the cost).

Check out Ward’s Joey Ramone-inspired off-white silk charmeuse creations, after the jump.

Joan Jett would be right at home with this bride’s studded stilletos, passed-out-in-an-alley pose, and French chantilly lace overlay. $3,900.

This silk chiffon sleeve must be inspired by Judy’s Ice Capades phase. $3,400.

Johnny Rotten was known to trade in the studded belt for this silk organza beaded band from time to time. $3,100.

If you stare longingly into this dress’s silk chiffon ruffle and pleated overlay, you can just make out the outline of the Misfits‘ iconic fiend skull. Available in off-white. $3,800.

This layered silk ruffle-detail is perfect for the impromptu ceremony held under the highway overpass. $3,400.

Photos courtesy of Punk Rock Bride, LLC.

Because I am a riddle wrapped in an enigma, I frequent a blog called “DC NearlyWeds,” a coterie of local pre-brides who while away their dwindling singledom by posting on the Internets about their betrothals. In my research of this Web log, I’ve found this disturbing trend: Many of these single ladies whose men have put a ring on it favor calling their bridesmaids “BMs.”

One blogger asks if her BMs ought to pay for their own makeup. Half of this blogger’s BMs have already bought their dresses. Another blogger seeks something yellow, like the “BM dresses,” for her flower girl. Yet another expounds on a BM who has had gastric bypass surgery!

This nickname ranks up there with the most humiliating of bridesmaid rituals: The intentionally unflattering pastel dresses, the scuttle to catch the bride’s bouquet, and now, sharing an abbreviation with “bowel movement.” Oh, the humanity.

Photo by mahalie

Aventura, Fla, Jan. 16; Columbus, Ohio, Jan. 30; Boston, Mass., Feb. 20; Manhattan, Feb. 27; Atlanta, Ga., March 20.

Photo by mistercullen.