Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. “The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,’Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,’” the device’s inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. “I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob.”

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy’s proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call “the original cockbib.” When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the “original” CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. “I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?” he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com’s CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories “Caution: May Cause Trauma” and “Pussy Killer.” Let’s check ‘em out!

Read More “The Original CockBib: For Drunk Brides, Small Children, and Subaru Owners” »

What does a punk-rock bride wear to her big day? If designer Stephanie Ward’s “Punk Rock Bride” collection is any indication, she wears the same flowey white thing the other brides wear—but with an attitude. Ward writes that she designs for the “bride who is looking for an original, non-traditional wedding dress.” To me, these pretty, ruffled, white designs are perfect fit for the bride who wants a different kind of wedding dress—without sacrificing the traditional virginal imagery (or the cost).

Check out Ward’s Joey Ramone-inspired off-white silk charmeuse creations, after the jump.

Read More “Punk Rock Brides: Like Regular Brides, With Attitude” »

Because I am a riddle wrapped in an enigma, I frequent a blog called “DC NearlyWeds,” a coterie of local pre-brides who while away their dwindling singledom by posting on the Internets about their betrothals. In my research of this Web log, I’ve found this disturbing trend: Many of these single ladies whose men have put a ring on it favor calling their bridesmaids “BMs.”

One blogger asks if her BMs ought to pay for their own makeup. Half of this blogger’s BMs have already bought their dresses. Another blogger seeks something yellow, like the “BM dresses,” for her flower girl. Yet another expounds on a BM who has had gastric bypass surgery!

This nickname ranks up there with the most humiliating of bridesmaid rituals: The intentionally unflattering pastel dresses, the scuttle to catch the bride’s bouquet, and now, sharing an abbreviation with “bowel movement.” Oh, the humanity.

Photo by mahalie

Interested in converting your commitment ceremony to the person you love into a farcical display of your own vanity and/or a parable for the nation’s economic woes? You’re in luck! Filene’s Basement has released the dates for this year’s “Running of the Brides” bridal sales, the annual event wherein women compete in a contest of speed, agility, and taste to secure relatively inexpensive ornate white gowns. No Bridezilla stampedes will be held in Washington, ladies, so the District’s enterprising brides-to-be will have to skirt over to one of the event’s five other locations:

Aventura, Fla, Jan. 16; Columbus, Ohio, Jan. 30; Boston, Mass., Feb. 20; Manhattan, Feb. 27; Atlanta, Ga., March 20.

Photo by mistercullen.