During her tenure as the first First Lady of the United States of America, Martha Dandridge Custis Washington confided in a letter to her niece: "I think I am more like a state prisoner than anything else," she wrote. "There is certain bounds set for me which I must not depart from."

In other words, the role of First Lady has forever sucketh. Women betrothed to U.S. presidents are condemned to years of toil marked by incessant smiling, benign public service initiatives, and publicized bakery. Laura Welch Bush, America's most recent graduate of the First Ladies club, was forced to refrain from publicly not hating gay people, instead sharing her opinion that Reading Is Fundamental and—according to Curtis Sittenfeld's novelized version of her life, "American Wife"—receiving glorious head!

In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown talk about being forced to imagine George W. Bush uttering the words "luscious breasts," our Human Rights dealbreakers, and the role of the First Gentleman of the future.

SADY: HELLO! Sorry, I went out to buy cigarettes and coffee. Which are what I subsist on, at this sad point in my life.

AMANDA: That's OK! I was confined for eight years in an ideological prison of my husband's making.

SADY: I hear that can be difficult! Yet readily novelizable, by Curtis Sittenfeld. Who will do a weirdly precognitive job, actually! FULL CONFESSION: I read both "Spoken from the Heart," the Hallmarkianly titled memoir of Laura Bush, and "American Wife," the Curtis Sittenfeld novel-as-memoir-of-Laura-Bush, in a 24-hour time period. I may actually morph into Laura Bush at any moment now. SHE'S IN MY HEADDDDD.

AMANDA: OK I haven't read either of them. But I have been watching videos of her public appearances in conjunction with her book release. And it's been a really strange book tour for Laura, yeah? "I am forever haunted by the boy's life I took in a traffic accident ... also, gay people are fine."

SADY: Haha, YEAH. Which, like: Sittenfeld actually predicted both of those things, in her (very good) book! Which ends with Maura Mush/"Alice Blackwell" taking a public — and shocking! — stand against her husband's policies. Which creeped me the hell out, when I had striven to meet my deadline and turned in an article that was like, "but also, Laura Bush REALLY DOESN'T think gay people are fine," and then saw the King interview and e-mailed my editor all "OH FUCK DON'T PUBLISH THAT OKAY."

AMANDA: STOP THE PRESSES, LAURA BUSH NOW PUBLICLY DOES NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE.

SADY: But the thing is, this was sort of predictable. For years, she's been making these really subtle pro-choice, pro-gay statements. But she waited until her husband was out of power to actually SAY this stuff.

AMANDA: Right. When he was president she was just like, "let me focus on my interest in librarianism for the next eight years."

SADY: Right. "Books are good! Also, heart attacks are bad! Be nice to children! Such are my public positions!"

AMANDA: Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is focusing on her interest in ending childhood obesity. First ladies have been getting the least controversial issues possible lately.

SADY: Yeah. Well, I mean, I think people of our age are spoiled, because we grew up with Hillary. Who was actually, you know, interested in politics, and was portrayed as a demon succubus who controlled her husband via brain implant for that very reason. First Ladies in general are supposed to be like, the softer side of the most militarily equipped nation in the world. So they're expected to take really feminized, feminine causes, like schooling and children and breast cancer and puppies and rainbows and sunshine and, I dunno, fighting the War on Inadequate Dinner Parties, or something.

AMANDA: Yeah. And I think that, as much as some people still cling to their irrational hatred of Hillary, the vitriol really reached his peak when she was First Lady. I think that some people are more comfortable just seeing a woman like her, as weird as this is, as Secretary of State than having to recognize that women like her are also mothers and wives. They didn't want to see their America's Number One Wife be a wife who was also, you know, a person. It really is a thankless job. If you're the wife of a president, you have to devote your whole life to being his compliment, but you can't be a compliment who is too independent or intellectually-minded, or too involved in the actual business of the presidency. You have to be a full-time compliment who is just available full-time to be ... available full-time. To bake cookies and wear nice clothes and raise kids and smile a lot and make soft, feminine proclamations about soft, feminine social issues. If I were Laura Bush, I would have like brought a megaphone to Obama's inauguration and been like, "Fuck this noise, gay people alright! Also abortions!" I don't know how they can stand it.

SADY: Well, I mean: The thing is, Laura Bush reportedly didn't even WANT her husband to be a politician in the first place. Let alone PRESIDENT. She was apparently pretty unhappy about it. And, you know, if I were cool with gay people and abortions, and my husband were George W. Bush, and he were like, "you know what I want to do? Be in a position to influence national policy on these matters," I would be... "unhappy" is probably the mildest way you would put it. But the fact that she committed herself to this shit for eight years, even though for those eight years most of her statements were to the effect of, "I have no opinions. Anyone want a cookie? Because I bake those," is, like... TROUBLING, to me.

AMANDA: It's scary.

SADY: I mean, I could date someone if I thought their taste in music occasionally sucked. I could date someone if they wore unflattering jeans. I would have a PROBLEM dating someone if we disagreed on the issues of, like, Human Rights, and whether Humans who were gay and/or ladies deserved said Rights. That would probably be a dealbreaker! For me! Is all I am saying!

AMANDA: Or, to go further: That you disagree on issues of basic human rights, and that in order to remain in a relationship with this person you would have to recuse yourself of having any opinion on the matter and defer silently to your husband's ass-backwards ideas.

SADY: Right. That's the thing. Because Laura Bush was continually deployed, during her husband's administration, as a PR tool. She gave a radio address that he was originally scheduled to make! She was sent out to calm people down! People just LIKED her more, and as the administration went on, they liked her more and him less (and less, and LESS) and now, they're both writing memoirs, but hers goes out first. And it has the most nice-lady title in the history of the world. Spoken From the Heart! For Gods' sakes! And, I mean, the thing is, she was actually in a position to talk about this for all this time, and didn't. So now, even though she's all, "so, anyway, 9/11 was really scary and also let's not outlaw abortions," I really question her decision not to utilize that influence at the time.

AMANDA: Hahaha. I mean, it was sort of always an open secret that Laura Bush was a democrat. And I actually wonder how much of that was part of the PR ruse. Like, "Look at this democratic woman submitting to my batshit ideas! You can do it too, America!" It added to her image as A Good Wife.

SADY: Hahaha. "Look, she's not throwing herself off the White House balcony, and we probably even have SEX with each other, still!" Which: Can I tell you, in an unrelated note, I was sharing lines from and summaries of the sex scenes in "American Wife" with people all day long?

AMANDA: Oooh give me one!

SADY: People would be like, "so how's your day going?" And I would be like, "the George W. Bush guy in 'American Wife' says the following line: 'You're this goddess with these amazing, luscious breasts.'" Also, we have, "how could he be an unscrupulous politician with such a cute little butt?" Which, like: EASILY, it turns out!

AMANDA: UG! BRAIN CLEANSE

SADY: It's a really good book, though. There's a scene of the Laura-Bushesque heroine self-Googling that will make you question your life. And also, some cunnilingus!

AMANDA: Good for Laura! Jesus Christ! You know she read that, too! Fuck, how depressing. I hope to never have to read a work of fiction speculating as to how I have sex with my husband. And for that reason, I will not marry a President.

SADY: Yeah. I kind of like how the novel tries to provide the answer to the question of "how does she put up with him?" And the answers are, (a) money, (b) lack of options, and (c) he gives really good head. I find that actually pretty relatable! However, I kind of find it unlikely that I myself would marry a President, for the above-stated reasons. No matter HOW luscious he thinks my breasts are. I think that there's this whole routine of self-erasure that a lady is supposed to undergo, if her husband gets a case of the Presidents, that means she has to start being a woman and start being a Lady. The First Lady, in fact! And I cannot see me ever doing that. Unless my husband ran on an "every day is Sady's birthday" platform. To which I could easily lend my support!

AMANDA: No. No. But perhaps sometimes it just sneaks up on you, First Ladiness, and though you could never imagine in your wildest dreams that George W. Bush would ever, ever, ever become president, there he is! President! And you, First Lady! And it's kind of like you just became Queen or something, and there's kind of a lot of pressure for you not to fuck it up.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine that anyone, six weeks after meeting George W. Bush (WHICH IS WHEN THEY GOT ENGAGED, BTW) would be like, "this guy is President material!" And, I mean, I'm sympathetic to that, to a certain degree. If your dude is dead set on a political career, and you don't agree with his politics, and he manages to succeed to an alarming degree, you are in a really bad situation. Because, honestly, his administration just spent years slowly and steadily collapsing. At a certain point, disagreeing with him had to seem disloyal; like, it would no doubt be reported as, "everyone in the entire world thinks George W. Bush is a fuck-up, including his wife."

AMANDA: Right. I mean, perhaps Laura didn't want George to get into politics for the same reason that, like, everyone else did, which is that he's a total disaster on that front. But you can't say that. Even after the presidency is over, she still isn't saying that.

SADY: Yeah. And, I mean, I'm trying not to engage in petty left-wing schadenfreude over this. And she spends — in this memoir that I have read, which I apologize for overburdening this chat with details of — SO. MUCH. TIME defending his stupider foreign policy decisions, and him, and trying to paint an appealing picture of the man. But it's pretty clear now that her whole unconditionally supportive and agreeable Nice Lady Act was... an act. It lasted as long as it took for his term to end, and for her to bang out a memoir, and then she was just like, "okay. So here's what I ACTUALLY think. Because, SPOILER ALERT, I am a person, and think things." I just... people loved that woman. Loved her! Even if they didn't love her husband! And I really wish she'd cashed in on that love to stand up for the right thing, at some point.

AMANDA: And it's good that at some point they're allowed to deconstruct the First Lady thing a bit, and recognize that it's all make-believe. But it doesn't stop us from expecting the same shit of the next lady. Proposed solution: Make it not a lady next time?

SADY: Right! Make it a lady with a First Gentleman. Or, potentially, a Gentleman with a First Other Gentleman! That would be fun! "Our Gentlemanly duties include: Not putting up with your bullshit, bowling."

AMANDA: I will be liveblogging the whole thing, I'm sure.

SADY: I will be writing a novel. Mine will not be as good as Sittenfeld's, I'm pretty sure. But, on the plus side, the First Gentleman will fight way more dragons!

AMANDA: "I Stayed For The Blow Jobs: The First Gentleman's Story"

Martha Washington image via Wikipedia Commons

The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of romantically forward women being dismissed as aggressive bitches?

This week, our college sex columnists get romantic: Why you should go down on your significant other this Sunday; who's allowed to date 18-year-olds; girls asking boys out is scary!

GWU: Say it with a blow job.

Sex Tip: In a Very Special Valentine's Day edition of her GW Hatchet sex column, Layla offers up some specialized advice: If you don't know how to say it, just say it in your GW Hatchet sex column. "With the guy I've been seeing recently, Red, we tend to skip foreplay and move straight to having sex. Which is totally fine, because as soon as I get him naked, that's all I want. But at the same time, there is something to be said for prolonging that anticipation just a bit longer. I'm still working on a way to say, 'Babe, let's slow down a bit and just touch each other.'"

Life Lesson: That, or say it with a blow job. "I think there's something incredibly hot about going down on a guy and hearing him moan with pleasure just from the way you're moving your mouth. Giving head can often be a lot more intimate than having sex—you can really focus on your partner and what gets him off. And that's what I think Valentine's Day is all about."

Progressive Meter: If preferring oral sex has any political implications, I'm not aware of them. EVEN.

—

UMD: Dating out of your age range.

Sex Tips: UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling informs co-eds that Aaliyah was wrong.To a 23-year-old super senior dude looking to hook up with an 18-year-old freshman girl, Frishcling writes: "Let’s not fool ourselves with the ol’ 'age-is-just-a-number' bullshit. People who say that are 15-year-olds with daddy issues who like to date their professors or are statutory rapists with conscience issues."

Life Lesson: 23-year-olds can date 18-year-olds. But they don't have to. "As long as you don’t lie about your age, you are transgressing no moral issues that I’m aware of, which are most of them. If you’re still feeling concerned and you think these chicks are too young, try hitting up the downtown bars. Then you can be sure all the girls are at least 21."

Progressive Meter: I appreciate the super senior considering issues of maturity and experience when choosing his sex partners. EIGHT.

—

GWU Extra: When girls ask the boys.

Sex Tips: For the Hatchet's special Valentine's Day Issue, Lauren Hoenemeyer brings the New York Times "shortage of men" treatment to Foggy Bottom. GW's gender breakdown is 43 percent male, 57 percent female, leading some women on campus to commit what some students consider a "crime against nature." (The crime is asking a boy out, on a date). Hot tip: Some boys like it! "It's really romantic when a girl asks a guy out," freshman Jacob Zachs told Hoenemeyer. "Guys like it but girls don't like it. It takes the pressure off of us."

Life Lesson: But beware, ladies: Some college-aged men still hate women. "Sophomore Blake Eisenberg said that girls who ask guys out are 'too aggressive and too demanding.' He said, 'They should just let things happen, because they will happen if it's meant to be. They shouldn't force it. For it to work out in the end, for it to be a positive relationship, you need the guy to also like the girl.' Aaaand end trend piece!

Progressive Meter: Hoenemeyer balances her piece with two students in favor of the Sadie Hawkins tactic, and two against. But is that really a fair representation of attitudes on this subject? The two guys quoted in the article who oppose the practice actually think that a girl asking a boy if he would like to do something with her constitutes a "demand" that does not take into consideration that boy's feelings. If half of the GW campus really thinks this way, we're fucked. THREE.

Photo via George Eastman House

So imagine my surprise when I click over to the CockBib online store, only to find the Web site abandoned! What the fuck happened to the CockBibs?!

I have an e-mail out to CockBib guy to see whether the CockBib is dead for good, or whether some Christmas miracle will bring our favorite novelty penis accessory back just in time for the holidays. In the meantime, you can pay your respects by joining the CockBib Facebook group. And while we're waiting for the inevitable CockBib resurrection, let's share the best CockBibs of Christmas past. CockBibs may be dead, but making fun of CockBibs lasts forever. So without further ado:

"Who Am I Kidding: You're Hired," perfect for your office Secret Santa pool:

North Pole Ahead: Actually more Christmas-themed than it is cock-themed, in my opinion!

Heads, You Suck It, Tails, You Fuck It: There's nothing like a good old fashioned game night to bring couples closer over the holiday season.

The Happy Birthday! CockBib. For Jesus.

Quick Quiz! Sex. What is it, exactly?

A. One step past whatever you were just caught doing with that woman who is not your wife.

B. Anything that two people do together in private when they love each other very much, not including whatever those queers are doing.

C. Whenever the one with a penis has an orgasm.

D. Given the obvious power disparity between men and women in the patriarchy, an implicitly non-consensual act—unless two girls are doing it, but only if two girls are doing it exclusively for their own pleasure and not to satisfy the male interest in two girls doing it.

E. Dancing.

Today, Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I will get to the bottom of this mysterious phenomenon, and figure out why the definition of "sex" is not actually any particular combination of penises, vaginas, anuses, and mouths, but rather a tool for cheaters to pretend they're not cheating and homophobes to pretend they're different from gays. Good morning, by the way!

AMANDA: hi

SADY: why hello!

AMANDA: do you want to talk now?

SADY: yes indeed! first off, i think we should acknowledge that approximately 125,000 celebrities will have died by the time we post this. THE GRIM REAPER HAS COME FOR CELEBRITY

AMANDA: and they never learned the true meaning of sex!

SADY: ah, yes. apparently, americans "can't agree" on it! this is something i could in no way have learned from my own personal life of dating. i define sex as a peanut butter sandwich. is that so wrong?

AMANDA: when involved in a high-profile political scandal, i define sex as "one step past whatever i did with that woman"

SADY: i personally define sex as "anything you can't tell grandma about for fear she might lose her tenuous grip on this mortal coil." but the studies themselves are intriguing!

AMANDA: yeah definitely. i think, though, that they may be lacking in context. like, it's not as important to define what "sex" is as it is to define what we're comfortable with people doing with us or with other people. i feel like defining sex is just inviting loopholes. see: anal sex to keep virginity.

SADY: right, exactly.

AMANDA: and any cheater's excuse about anything

SADY: and many many men's magazine think-pieces about how it's not cheating if it is with a stripper or other sex worker

AMANDA: or in argentina. etc.

SADY: oddly, the men's definitions of sex tend to be more liberal than the ladies', though, as per this particular article! like: forty-four percent of men surveyed said that oral sex was doin' it. only thirty-seven percent of ladies said the same.

AMANDA: yeah, that was a surprise to me. i have a theory on this. it's good.

SADY: i eagerly await it!

AMANDA: ok, so women are socialized to downplay their sexual expertise in order to not appear as— i believe the scientific word is "slutty". and so may tend for the stricter definition in self-reporting. whereas men may want to fudge it a little bit in order to be able to put another notch in the bedpost

SADY: there is actually a long passage in that keith gessen novel ("All The Sad Young Literary Men") that backs up your theory. observe how i move smoothly from actual science to literature! but: the dude is trying to figure out his Number and his List and whatever and is trying to figure out how liberal his definition needs to be. he concludes, if i remember aright, that blowjobs should indeed count in The Number!

AMANDA: sha-wing

SADY: whereas ladies might indeed self-identify as Virgins, a la Dionne in "Clueless" (CINEMA! INTERDISCIPLINARIAN THOUGHT!) had they only, say, given the BJs, or received the Lady BJs. actually, this study is weirdly non-specific about Giving and Receiving of sexual favors.

AMANDA: yeah, i noticed that also. allow me to extend an example from yet another genre, the Hip Hopera.

SADY: please do!

AMANDA: one thing that i've always found is important in these definitions is who is doing the sexing or non-sexing. so, a man could get Very Very mad at his girlfriend kissing another man, while he's out Real Penis Vagina sexing some other woman. and maybe it's not so much men excusing their own behavior while demonizing women, but that, as an individual, you can excuse your own guilt because you know the emotional context, the strength of the temptation, etc. etc. See: R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, where everyone is fucking everyone else and they all get PISSED when they find out their significant other has been doing the same thing.

SADY: yes, and yet i feel that (since this article is all about contextualizing "sex" in light of certain political figures putting the Thing in the Places Where You Ought Not To) that there has probably never been a case of someone being cheaterly without KNOWING that they were being a cheaterly cheater. i think you can basically define "cheating" as "that thing you're going to feel really guilty about not telling your wife and/or husband and/or unmarried life partner because you know, for some reason, even if there was no Sexual contact involved by any definition, that you did something they would not like."

AMANDA: totally. i think the rush to define it, in the case of the high-profile cheating, is that the public is just honestly curious about the sexy details. not that we like, want to know what sex is.

SADY: right? especially if they took place in argentina! and involve THE FORBIDDEN PASSIONS that you told everyone you were on the Appalachian Trail to cover up! all of the futzing around, semantically, can be useful only when trying to figure out how the other person involved sees your sexual exchange... but no-one's denying that the exchange was sexual, in that case. the actual interest is kind of in knowing what other people have been up to.

AMANDA: and, in the case of say, gay sex, trying to define them out of the mainstream or out of existence. like, sure, you can put your penis in his butt, but it's not sex, whatever it is you're doing. which i refuse to equate with my penis in vagina business.

SADY: ha, yeah, or sex between women, in which case basically everything outside of a strap-on is relegated to "foreplay." never "duringplay."

AMANDA: UGGGGHHHH i feel myself sliding into the inevitable rant about the supremacy of the male orgasm in the sexual blah de blah and how that's what this is all REALLY about and i can't force myself to do it.

SADY: you sure? i have lots of thoughts about how the penis-in-vagina-as-real-sex thing is totally not good even for couples that have, respectively, penises and vaginas! LOTS OF THOUGHTS I TELL YOU.

AMANDA: save it for another sexist beatdown.

Photo by Mike Licht

Earlier this week, I introduced you to the world of the "CockBib," and the men who wear them to maintain ball sac dryness—and hilarity!—during oral sex.

I finally tracked down the Inventor of the CockBib after several CockBib fans (including one named, oddly enough, "Amanda Hess") posted very positive CockBib reviews on my blog, from his IP address. Below, the Inventor speaks out about how to parse the nonsensical CockBib, the virtues of ball dryness, and the female-friendly CockBibs he's rolling out next:

IF THE COCKBIB IS MEANT TO PROTECTs YOUR BALLS FROM WETNESS, WHY DO YOU WANT THE NUTS IN HER MOUTH? [Re: "It's Showtime: These Nuts in Ya Mouth, Take 1"]

Wearing a CockBib that says "These Nuts In Ya Mouth" is just pure comedy and though the CockBib can be utilized and is quite effective at keeping that part of a male dry, I would not have ever created the CockBib if I could not make it funny. The Idea of a CockBib is to make people laugh . . . Period.

WHAT DUDE WANTS TO KEEP HIS BALLS DRY ANYWAY?

In response to your question 'do you know many men who get annoyed when their balls get wet during blow jobs?' I will let you in on a little secret. Most men would not complain to their partner no matter how messy things got down there. Simply, because they don't want to lose that privilege.

Based on my research, most people will buy these because they are funny, not because they are unsatified with a bowjob. Ironically enough, I have received emails from women who say things like " This is great, I am always asking my boyfriend if the has a towel, can't wait to buy a few".

ARE ALL COCKBIBS PATENTLY OFFENSIVE?

I have a line of Cockbibs coming out aimed at women who would buy them as gag gfts for their partner. They will have saying like "You call that a D*ck"...LOL. I know that women talk about a man's size to their girlfriends, so I will create a CockBib from a womans point of view.

Well amanda, I have to go now. I have to think of some more offensive & non offensive phrases for my CockBibs. Oh, and please try not to slam us so hard next time. :)

And so, the Inventor returns to the drawing board, where he will employ his ball dryness research in his pursuit of the perfect blend of absorption . . . and humor. May I humbly submit my freelance CockBib concept, entitled, "It's Showtime! These Nuts In Ya Mouth . . . Take Two"?