* Andrea Plaid takes on Trojan's new hip-hop centered Magnum condom campaign, "Magnum Live Large," and how it reinforces the "ye olde black male penis myth" [via Feministing]:

The campaign is an great idea, considering the epidemic-level stats on HIV and Black cis and trans women and, as my friend sexologist Bianca Laureano said, “especially in the hip-hop community where ‘I like it raw’ is still prominent.”

I am wondering, though, about the racialized sexual stereotypes undergirding and getting perpetuating by this, namely that mainstay of black sex-negative imagery, the Big Black Penis.

* Fuck you, LOST! Ahem. This is pretty interesting, however: Bitch Magazine crunches the numbers on race and death throughout the series.

* Emily Nagoski talks trials and tribulations of dating as a sex educator:

it’s hard to date when you’re a “sexpert” (hideous word). I mean, at what point in a new relationship is it appropriate to tell a guy that you’ve written a guide about fellatio? How early can you talk about orgasms and lubrication and the miracle that is cervical mucus? How early in a relationship is too early to use the word mucus? . . . It appears you can’t talk to any guy you’ve just met about sex—even about sex research—without giving him the wrong impression.

* On I Blame the Patriarchy, lessons learned from true crime documentary television:

(a) If a man targets you on Craigslist and murders you, remember that the really shocking thing to television producers will be the "photos of dead women in porn outfits."

(b) Sex work is only safe if you are working at the direction of a pimp. "So ladies, remember; if you’re gonna work the classier hotels, you’d better get yourself a pimp to “protect” you. Otherwise you might come down with a terminal case of slain masseuse."

* Sociological Images on Shape magazine: Kim Kardashian is confident with her body. Readers: Don't learn how to get confident—learn how to get a body just like Kim's!:

It’s another example of articles that pretend to be presenting an alternative to beauty standards/Hollywood ideals (be confident! Even stars have cellulite! So what?!?) but ultimately reinforce them, both by presenting images in which the featured women’s bodies differ little from those seen in the rest of the magazine and by making sure you know how to diet and exercise in order to get  your body to conform.

Photo via Thirteen of Clubs, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

* SAFER Campus asks why reproductive coercion—or birth control sabotage—ain't criminalized yet. One woman shares her story, naturally, on Facebook:

A recent event has caused me to question [what] it means to be sexually assaulted . . . While sleeping with a guy [he] decided to take off the condom without me realizing it and when he was fingering me he pulled out my nuvaring without telling me. I saw [my]  nuvaring on the ground and he admittedly told me that he had pulled it out. The next day I wrote Eric an email asking him to never contact me again.

I think that birth control sabotage should absolutely be considered sexual assault; consenting to one sex act doesn't imply consenting to all of them, and consenting to sex with and without a condom are two very different things. (Just in the interest of clarification: You can remove the NuvaRing for up to three hours and still be prevented from pregnancy).

* Alyssa Rosenberg is eager for Hollywood to write some gay love stories that aren't expressly political.

* Violet Blue points us to "Super Sexy CPR," a video that uses super porny imagery to teach the elements CPR. Perfect for the next time you need to resuscitate a lingerie model, but sexily.

* My Sex Professor gives you a primer on incorporating the foot into your sex life.

* Nerve ranks the sexiest women and men of LOST. You fools are so wrong about Eloise.

* Susannah Breslin with a great essay on Max Hardcore, the porn giant currently imprisoned on obscenity charges:

I had seen Max’s movies. I found them terrifically depressing. To be clear, I have seen many, many (far too many, really, come to think of it) movies that fall into the explicit, depraved, and explicitly depraved category. I’ve seen cophrophagy porn, senior citizen porn, a porn in which Ron Jeremy appeared as a baby in an adult diaper and a bonnet, midget porn, world-record setting gangbang porn (I was present for one of those, and it’s hard to say which was worse), so-called “ready to drop” pregnancy porn, and a movie in which a series of young women had sex with men and then promptly threw up onto a black tarp spread over a sagging bed after taking what I assumed to be Ipecac. Suffice to say, it takes a lot to shock this reporter when it comes to porn movies. Max’s movies aren’t shocking — not most significantly. They are sad. Everyone suffers. No one is happy. If joy is located at one end of the spectrum, this is where its opposite resides. This is the monstrous mating of unfulfilled longing and untenable hate. Their progeny: an abomination.

(Unconvinced? Try this.)

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

This week, The Daily Beast takes on the female condom's new marketing strategy, which has attempted to combat the prophylactic's reputation as a noisy, expensive, and awkward option (you heard it here first!). Reporter Joyce C. Tang doesn't find any regular women—women who do not work as female condom advocates—who have actually tried the unconventional condom. But she does point to some customer reviews on Amazon.com, which reveal one potential fan group for the prophylactic: "men with huge penises."

The female condom is being aggressively marketed as an empowering option for women who want to take charge of their own STD and pregnancy prevention (One Amazon reviewer calls it "the best protectant any women can use without worrying about 'him'!!!!!!!!"). But on Amazon, the female condom is also being hailed as a quick fix for the man who cannot comfortably wear a condom, for he is too huge. A sampling:

It is an excellent condom for those men with huge penises
These condoms are extremely excellent for those gentlemen with huge penises. Trust me, my better half has trouble finding condoms that fit, they are to tight on him. So we use the reality female condoms because they have a superb fit not tight, not loose, just perfect. Thank You! Rocio

Best condom by far! Much stronger yet far more sensitive. Not damaged by hot car glove compartment temperatures. I'm allergic to latex but not to this. OK for use with oil based lubricants for underwater fun. Does not degrade with age. Can be put in place hours in advance for completely spontaneous love making. Does not strangle a large diameter penis. Whether you are straight, bi, or gay – try it! You will like it!!

So worth the extra money!

My boy is little bigger then average and uncircumcised, so wearing normal condoms didn't do anything but make his penis flaccid. So when I read reviews about how a female condom may help out I had to try some. Let me tell you THEY WORKED WONDERS! He was able to stay hard for a long time and it felt like there wasn't a barrier down there at all. Using the female condoms can be awkward at first, but they feel and work so much better then male condoms.

But beware: While the condom neglects to "strangle a large diameter penis," it is also reportedly uncomfortable for men with penises of a certain length:

Not fit for all...

Female condoms are wonderful and I fully endorse them, HOWEVER: Depending on your partner's "length", it is possible for the condom to be pushed up inside the female, rendering it useless.

And, of course, the condom's superior fit for men with thick penises does not necessarily translate to a comfortable fit in all vaginas (and all anuses):

DO NOT BUY! very uncomfortable for my girlfriend

I wanted to try an alternative to traditional condoms and was hopeful that this product would be a good replacement. However the plastic ring was terribley uncomfortable for my girlfriend and we took it out immediately. I'm going to keep looking for an alternative but I do NOT reccommend these. Learn from my mistakes; save your time, money and an awkward bed conversation.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Divine Mercy Care, a pro-life pharmacy that opened in Chantilly in 2008, has shut its doors. Divine Mercy Care claimed to treat "every person who comes in as if they are Christ sitting across from you,” only employed pro-life employees, and refused to sell birth control pills (also: candy). I can't exactly say the DMC had a good run; when I visited the pharmacy shortly after its grand opening in October of 2008, nobody was buyin' then, either. I guess refusing to sell stuff isn't a very effective business strategy after all. [Via NBC]

Razors.

I shave my legs, but I just picked up a new razor that may almost encourage me to unlearn that particular expression of femininity. The razor is called "Soleil Twilight," it's made by Bic, and it features a triple-blade and, as I discovered after I had already hit the check-out line, "lavender scented handles." Because, you see, men also use razors, which means that razors may be perceived as overly masculine, a misconception that can be cleared up with just a touch of feminine aroma making some skin contact with your hand area. The lavender business makes about as much sense as the name, which from my understanding literally means something like "Sun Growing Darkness." It removes hair.

Birth Control.

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Listen, there's nothing more naturally feminine than popping a birth control pill—so far, only women are allowed to perform this particular function. Still, contraception manufacturers have labored to market the medication in the most feminine way possible. Yaz, arguably the most feminized form of birth control, has claimed to alleviate moodiness, reduce bloating, clean up acne, and even help women lose weight in addition to, you know, stoppin' babies. Accordingly, Yaz commercials feature a bunch of Sex and the City types hanging out at a swanky lounge talking about how Yaz has cured their emotional problems, allowing them to continue to hang out at swanky lounges. In case a bunch of women talking frankly about PMS was getting a bit too masculine for you, the ad goes on to explain that Token Woman Who Knows Too Much About Birth Control knows so much because she is a medical doctor, an admission that causes her friends to laugh and dismiss her as a "show off." Tee-hee! Because any woman who could speak intelligently about what birth control actually does has got some 'splainin to do.

Tampons.

Last week, Heartless Doll's Andrea Grimes wrote a screed about frilly tampons, in which she admitted, "I've never been able to tell much of a difference between something like a Tampax Pearl and a Duane Reade Just Shove It Up There, It'll Be Fine." Grimes points to the frilliest tampon of them all, the Tampax Pearl, which features a string of ladylike pearls on its packaging in order to emphasize the product's enhanced feminine quality. What's pearly about this product, exactly? The applicator is made of fucking plastic instead of cardboard, and you can't get anything more girly than that.

Deodorant.

[youtube:v=KlwW1aj9xak]

Everyone knows that Secret is "strong enough for a man, but made for a woman." What I still can't wrap my head around is how this company can simultaneously market deodorant as a product through which femininity must be performed, while insisting that this performance be kept "Secret." As one branding expert explains, "That chant has made the Secret® deodorant brand spectacularly successful, especially with females 12-24, because it reaffirms gender identity to a particularly vulnerable, insecure audience. For a small investment, you get to go from girl to woman and feel good about it." Now women are expected to feminize our armpits for ourselves, because no one else will ever notice. Thanks Secret!

Yogurt.

[youtube:v=Emp_CtPy1Gw]

OK,  so yogurt isn't a specifically feminine product, but you wouldn't know that if you've ever seen any yogurt commercial ever. Take, for example, this Yoplait commercial, which manages to incorporate commentary on cute men, short men, bridesmaids dresses, high heels, ladies room lines, and bouquet catching within the span of 30 seconds.  Men eat yogurt too. Get the people behind the Dockers ad on this one!

It's all female condom all the time this week on the Sexist. Female condom in a rubber vagina! Female condom in the anus! But despite the exhaustive orifice coverage (do not insert the female condom into your mouth!), questions remain. Like, what does illustrious ladyblogger Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown think about putting the female condom into her vagina? And so on. In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, join Sady and I as we wipe off our female-condom-pre-lubed hands (pictured), prep our vaginas for FC2 landing, and get down to ladybusiness.

AMANDA: Sorry I'm late: I was inserting my female condom in anticipation of having sex up to eight hours from now.

SADY: Amanda, you know how much I value our friendship. Which is why I want you to understand something. PLEASE NEVER SAY THE PHRASE "I WAS INSERTING MY FEMALE CONDOM" EVER EVER AGAIN.

AMANDA: Deal. But the next 30 minutes of this female condom chat are going to be excruciating for me.

SADY: It's hard for me to think of "female condom chats" WITHOUT thinking "excruciating." I know I am judgey and a poor former condom merchant and/or safe sex advocate for feeling this way.

AMANDA: Hey Sady, we're just two ladies hanging out talking frankly about our vaginas. The most natural thing for two women to talk about! (Actually we have talked a lot about vaginas, I am realizing, in this series).

SADY: Well, I guess we... have them in common? Okay, let's talk about something that is NOT vaginas. Let's talk about dicks. Because here's how I feel about dicks.

AMANDA: I'm listening.

SADY: HERE'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT DICKS! Dicks don't get pregnant. Dicks don't get their periods. Dicks don't get ANYTHING except boners, and also occasionally hilarious Hits in the Crotch on old episodes of America's Funniest Home Videos.

AMANDA: Haha, yeah!

[youtube:v=0zGLas2q31E]

SADY: Dicks have like one responsibility in the world, which is to put condoms on themselves when they are having the penetrative intercourse. AND NOW THEY'VE PUT THAT ONE ON US TOO?

AMANDA: Yes they have! And women around the world are as skeptical as you are. The thing about the female condom is that it's really great for women who can't force their male partners / clients whatever to use the male condom, and so they need a first line of defense.

SADY: Yeah. Fair enough.

AMANDA: For women who don't have that very terrible problem, though, I'm not seeing it really catching on? However, I have this idea that I would like to sell to the female condom manufacturers, which is that they give a grant to porn manufacturers who will work to eroticize the female condom in their work. So then one day like 10 years from now, old people will be like, "what are these 'money shots' and 'bikini waxes' and 'female condoms' the young kids are using nowadays?" And then there will finally be gender equity in condom sales.

SADY: Wow. Porn truly does solve everything! But can we go back to that "you won't put on a condom and we need a barrier/STD-preventing method" thing?

AMANDA: Sure.

SADY: Because here's my theory: You, A Dude, want to sleep with me. I, A Lady, am not sure if we are monogamous and/or STD free. You are like, "but baby, why can't YOU put this bag up your bits?" I am like, "this is the quickest I have ever lost interest in a sexual encounter. See you later, dude!" Like: If you are not responsible enough to wear the condom, you're not responsible enough to be having sex with me, basically.

AMANDA: Yeah. I have never heard of a man who would prefer the lady coat her vagina with a bag? But I did speak to one man who has sex with men who has used the female condom, and he had this to say about it: "When I’ve been a top—the insertive partner—what I’ve liked about the bottom wearing the device is that my penis wasn’t wrapped in plastic.” So, there's that.

SADY: I mean, okay. Sure. I get that. Did your interview subject mention the fit issues? I mean, I hear it fits well, but the thing I have always admired about condoms — the skinny jeans of the birth control world — is that they are so specifically tailored. Does the female condom, according to your journalistic research, share this virtue?

AMANDA: OK, so I'm not going to repeat the phrase that must never be repeated.

SADY: OH JEEZ.

AMANDA: But I did shminshmert the shmemale shcondom the other day, when I was, you know, just hanging out and bein' a lady, and it does, like shconform to the insides of your shvagina.

[youtube:v=mnyC_v0-DQ4]
How to shminshmert the female condom

SADY: Okay, so here's the thing: you like put it in and then hang out, though? Like, actually that might be a virtue! Because you don't have to go through that "oh crap where are the condoms rummage rummage rummage HANG ON additional rummaging" deal.

AMANDA: Well, you don't have to hang out, but you can hang out. (Up to eight hours before intercourse!) I mean, personally, I never really stopped feeling it so I wouldn't exactly suggest it. But maybe you get used to it. The thing is, nobody like, actually prefers sex with a condom, but it's a necessity in a lot of sexual situations, and it's conceivable that some couples might prefer the female condom. I just think it's really difficult to get that trend to pick up enough speed that those specific people a) actually try the condom and b) feel comfortable using it.

SADY: Oh, sure. And let me respond to your very serious and useful and responsible point with this: I am one of those people who occasionally gets all "OH WHAT THE CRAP WHERE ARE MY GLASSES," and looks for them for about fifteen minutes, and then looks at A MIRROR, and is like, "oh." I have looked for my headphones whilst wearing my headphones. If I ever shminsmerted the shmemale shmondom, basically it would be in there for life, is what I'm saying. I would seriously forget about it.

AMANDA: Yeah, the other thing is, like, peeing? You will have to pee at some point.

SADY: Oh, yeah, THAT.

AMANDA: Because it's really a full-coverage device, so I imagine it would get some pee on it? Perhaps there is some sort of accessory you can buy that aids in that process.

SADY: God. Somehow this ends with people getting like a female condom and one of those Shenis things you pee through and vajazzling ALL OF IT and... So yeah, I think we've established that I am one of those backward ladies that is like, "a FEMALE condom? Never!" Although, yeah, new barrier methods are good. That's undeniably true. And now, based on my reactions, I can see what it would be like to be one of those "I hate condoms" dudes. I HAVE BECOME THE THING I HATED.

AMANDA: And now I know what it's like to walk around with a condom in my vagina. Minimum rustling, I must say!

SADY: Okay, like, I have to say... Nobody is making these dudes put the condoms on over their lunch breaks so that they can come and have sexy dates with us later.

AMANDA: That's the weirdest thing about the female condom promotion, to me: They say that because you can pre-insert it, it "doesn't interrupt lovemaking." But it interrupts, like, other shit? Like my lunch break, or my peeing schedule, or what have you.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, I think your idea for a line of Female Condom-Centric Porn is actually a good one. Because right now this is like the least erotic idea in the world. But... dude condoms weren't initially perceived as a great idea, EITHER?

AMANDA: Right.

SADY: Like, I read this old issue of I think Cosmo from the sixties or seventies once, for a feminist media project, and it had this "revolutionary" article about all the different kinds of birth control there were. And condoms were mentioned. And the article, AS I RECALL (I am not quoting) was like, "I know you think these are for prostitutes, but you can use them too," and also they interviewed a guy who had tried this Strange New Birth Control Method, and he was like, "OMG so unnatural! Like having sex with a garbage bag!" And now it's just like... condoms, you know? They're at Duane Reade, they're understood to be commonplace, and nobody wants to hear you whine about them. Like I said: The very NOTION of a condom that I myself might wear has somehow transformed me into a person who thinks like a gross-ish dude.

AMANDA: Yes. And either you'll look back on this moment 30 years from now and say, "That is the moment I officially became an old person who is resistant to change," or, "That is the moment I officially became an old person because I even know what a female condom is, and no young people have ever heard of that shit, in the Future." Time will tell!

SADY: Right. When we're all wearing our Holo-Helmets and having Virtual Sex on our Google Entire Fake Universe Dates, the female condom, and indeed the male one, will be unnecessary. I for one look forward to that day.

As the District launches a new campaign encouraging women to put female condoms into their vaginas, some activists are focused on getting the device into a different orifice. Michael Petrelis, 51, has been promoting the use of the female condom among gay men since the 90's. “When I first learned about the device, I thought the only barrier prevention involved covering the dick,” says Petrelis. Then he found out there was a way to cover his partner's anus instead. “The female condom put the bottom in charge, in control, and that was such a good thing. And when I’ve been a top—the insertive partner—what I’ve liked about the bottom wearing the device is that my penis wasn’t wrapped in plastic.”

The female condom was approved by the FDA for use in the vagina in 1993. The regulatory body has yet to deem the device safe and effective for use in anal sex, but that hasn't stopped Peterlis and other public health advocates from noting the device's anal benefits:

For one, the female condom can adhere to the lining of the anus and provide a roomier experience than the male condom. It also opens up the field for a wider range of sexual accessories: “With the penile device you have to use the water based lubricants. You can’t use Crisco,” says Petrelis. The female condom also allows receptive partners to protect themselves against HIV with partners who refuse to use a male condom. The only thing that’s not sexy about the female condom? The name. “I mean, when you say female condom, I don’t think a gay guy is going to listen, because it’s for a woman. It says ‘female.’ I think it can be a turn-off to gay men,” says Petrelis.

Some female condom activists have pushed to re-brand the device with a more inclusive title, like the "receptive partner condom" or the “reality condom.” But the female condom's branding limitations go beyond the name. Some activists are reluctant to promote an item that hasn't received the FDA's official stamp. That's why Community Education Group, one of the five nonprofits distributing female condoms around D.C., is currently only engaged in promoting the device among heterosexual men (and women). "We haven't received permission to publicly promote the condom [for anal sex] because it’s not FDA approved for that," says the Group's Hilary Viens. "Even though we do know it can be effective, that's not something that we can really state yet."

Other female condom promoters are concerned that a focus on gay men might alienate the female condom's main target audience. "Eventually, we want the female condom to be accepted as a tool for women having sex with men, men having sex with men, women having anal sex,” says Zoe Lehman, who promotes female condom use through the Chicago Women’s AIDS Project. Last week, Lehman helped launched Web-based initiative ringonit.org, which takes its tagline—“Put a ring on it!”—from Beyonce’s Grammy-winning single “Single Ladies.” The Web site announces up-front that female condoms "are a great safer sex option that can be used by both women and men for vaginal and anal sex." But Lehman has encountered some reluctance to promote the device for all its potential uses. “Unfortunately, there are some places in this country that are still uncomfortable with anal sex," she says. "People get very uncomfortable about that, and it’s already going to be difficult to sell to the general public." The media has also tended to shy away from anal;  Petrelis was miffed that the Washington Post's recent story on female condoms failed to mention the device's use among gay men.

Pitching the condom to gay men will require promoters to get real comfortable with anal sex: Using the female condom anally requires some slight modifications to the device. Anal instructions are not currently included in the female condom's packaging, but the D.C. Department of Health posts online guidelines for how to insert the device. In short, you can either insert the condom by draping it over the penis, or sticking it directly into the anus; many users choose to ditch the condom's removable inner ring to aid comfort; if the penis is hitting against the end of the female condom, it could compromise the device's effectiveness.

In order for everyone to get comfortable shilling the female condom to gay men, Peterlis says that the public must first acknowledge that anal sex isn't just a gay thing. "I hope you're sitting down for this: Straight people have anal sex, too," says Petrelis. "It's not just gay men who need to know how to use it anally." Promoting the condom's anal use among straight women could be a vital tool in preventing the spread of HIV: Women who engage in anal sex are at a higher risk of contracting the virus, particularly if they are chiefly using condoms for pregnancy prevention. "I've got to put my hair down here and say that regardless of straight, gay, in-between, vaginal, anal, there is still a great reluctance to talk honestly in America about s-e-x," says Petrelis. "We're going to have to get over that if we're going to protect ourselves."

Photos by Darrow Montgomery.

Free female condoms have been sitting on the counter at Jasmine’s Hair Gallery in Anacostia for one week, but the contraceptive device has yet to make it out of the salon and into a woman’s vagina. Last week, a representative from a local nonprofit came down to Jasmine’s equipped with a few dozen female condoms—and two sets of rubber genitalia—in order to instruct the salon’s owner, Terry Nelson, on the finer points of the device. Nelson, 50, is the last stop in the female condom’s long activist conga line—a system set up to distribute the condom from the D.C. government, down through five local nonprofits, and finally out to hundreds of local businesses, where the device can be casually promoted to the public through trusted neighborhood fixtures. Theoretically.

“This is really new,” says Nelson. “We’re still in the stage where we’re trying to see if women will be receptive to this or not.” So far, Nelson and Cecelia Woodland, 49, the other Jasmine’s stylist to soak up the demonstration, haven’t yet tested out the female condom themselves. They haven’t found the right opportunity to raise the topic with any of their customers. And no one’s plucked a device from their tidy stack on the Jasmine’s shelf.

The D.C. government has invested a lot of energy in figuring out how to get women to pick this thing up. This year, Washington will be the first city to roll out a large-scale promotion aimed at getting women to use a form of contraception few even consider. Thanks to a $500,000 grant from makeup company M.A.C., five local nonprofits will distribute 500,000 free female condoms at hair salons, barber shops, health centers, nail salons, and liquor stores around D.C., where owners are being recruited to tout female condom promotion to customers. The condoms will also be available for sale at 56 local CVS stores.

Here’s what you may not know without getting the full, rubber genital demonstration: The first barrier method controlled by women, the female condom is a loose, synthetic rubber sheath that women can insert into the vagina before sex—and that will stay in place by means of flexible rings on both ends. The FDA approved the female condom in 1993 as a revolutionary tool in the fight against HIV, but objections to it have mostly centered around aesthetic concerns. Women who tried the device had one major complaint: the distracting sounds of crinkling, squishing, or rustling emanating from the vagina.

Enter the FC2, the female condom’s new generation. Like its predecessor, the FC2 is manufactured by the Chicago- and London-based Female Health Company, but it’s been tweaked to mute the grocery bag soundtrack (and cut the retail price by 30 percent—a three-pack at CVS goes for $6.49). But for all the female condom’s plusses, its advocates must still navigate between promoting the device as a crucial tool for preventing HIV infection in women and situating the condom as a socially acceptable sexual accessory.

For years, female condom promotion has focused on women in desperate need of the device—like sex workers or women in coercive or violent sexual relationships, whose sex partners refuse to use the male version. Now, female condom promoters have discovered that to protect high-risk women, they must first reinforce the idea that the device is a normal—and yes, sexy—option for all women. “We’re trying to reach that critical threshold,” says Shannon Hader, director of D.C.’s HIV/AIDS, Hepatitis, STD and TB Administration (HAHSTA). “So if you have 10 women in a room, it’s not necessary that all 10 try out the female condom—but if a few of them have tried it, if your best friend has tried it, if half of you are familiar with it and know about it, then there’s a higher comfort level with the product when you’re introduced to it.”

But female condom advocates have to do much more than throw out some free protection and wait for women to bite. Women have to be wooed to the condom. “Just giving women the female condom doesn’t necessarily inspire them to use it,” says Abby Charles, a program director for the Women’s Collective, one of the nonprofits funded by the M.A.C. grant. “We’ve found that we’ve had to do a lot more training around the female condom. At the trainings we’ve done so far, women start by saying, ‘Mmm—what’s that.’ You know?” Charles says the trainings often start from scratch. “There are a lot of women who don’t understand their bodies. When they take a look a the female condom, they’re confused by it. They think it’s pretty complex. A lot of the training is just helping women to understand the structure of our bodies.…At the end of the training, I would say 90 percent of them are ready to try it on.”

How exactly does a woman just spring a previously inserted protection device on her partner? Part of the training around the female condom includes translating the device’s prevention features into bedroom-ready talking points. For every FC2 feature meant to help protect against HIV, there’s another sexy twist. The condom can be deployed in anticipation of a partner or client who may show up to force unprotected sex. In other words, the device “increases spontaneity” and doesn’t “interrupt lovemaking.” The female condom is often touted as a bargaining point for women in coercive sexual relationships. But those kinds of conversations can also “encourage intimacy.” And the external ring that stretches the condom over the woman’s vulva, protecting her from sexually transmitted infections like herpes? That ring can also stimulate the clit.

When D.C. rolled out its new female condom campaign last week, it scored extra sexy points with the help of rock stars Cyndi Lauper and Lady Gaga. The ladies are the new faces of M.A.C.’s “VIVA Glam” campaign, which encourages HIV awareness among women. Gaga has this to say about her prevention device of choice: “It’s for the everyday woman,” Gaga declares in a M.A.C. PSA. “Anybody can wear it and feel great about themselves, and that’s what VIVA Glam is all about…awareness, and identity.” Gaga was speaking, of course, of her new M.A.C. lip color, “VIVA Glam Gaga,” a light-blue-pink shade. (Proceeds of the cosmetic sales will go toward HIV prevention).

It’s easier to talk about the eternal themes of HIV awareness than it is to start a conversation about a new loose, lubricated bag and why women should insert it into their bodies. But Gaga is just the face of female HIV prevention—not its vagina. So in order to encourage a more intimate knowledge of the female condom, local nonprofits are staging educational sessions around the District, encouraging business owners to pass the FC2 promotion onto their patrons. It’s the fantasy imagined by every birth-control commercial—women just hanging out, talking frankly about their vaginal health. “Women talk to women. We all talk to each other,” says Hader. She wouldn’t disclose whether she’d tried it out herself. “I’m not going to answer that question. I don’t want people to think that we’re asking that when we come around,” she says. “I am familiar with the product. I’ve touched it, I’ve felt it. It’s not a new product to me.”

The D.C. government is hoping that District hairstylists will be more forthcoming. “People are comfortable talking to their hairstylist about anything. You get to feeling like social workers sometimes,” says Nelson. But stylists can’t just start chatting FC2 with every customer dropping in for a trim. “They have to bring up the conversation,” says Nelson. In order to be on the receiving end of Nelson’s female condom spiel, customers don’t have to specifically name-check the device—“but if they bring up sex, say they’re dating around, finding a new partner, I might mention it to them,” says Nelson. Suitable “ins” for the female condom talk arise between Nelson and her clients “about three to four times a week,” she says—they just haven’t come up yet.

Early in the afternoon at Jasmine’s Hair Gallery, a woman comes in, settles in a salon chair, leans her head back for a shampoo, and starts talking. Somehow, one of Jasmine’s female condoms has ended up in her hand. “What do they do with it?” she asks Nelson. “They stick it up in you?” Nelson and Woodland are quick with the talking points. You do stick it up in you. It stays in place near your cervix, like a diaphragm. You can put it in whenever you want. It conforms to the inside of your body. The rings provide extra stimulation. The condom wraps around the outside to protect you from other STDs. The customer does not appear entirely convinced. “Well. I’m allergic to latex anyway,” the customer says, dropping the condom into her lap. “It’s not latex! It’s not latex!” Nelson and Woodland both call out, stepping over each other to mention that the FC2’s made of synthetic rubber. Of course, it’s possible this conversation would never be happening had I not been in the salon, prompting these women to openly discuss rubber genitals, clitoral stimulation, and herpes for the past 20 minutes. Either way, we’ve got our first taker: After getting dried off, the woman walks out the door with an FC2 in hand.

Photos by Darrow Montgomery

This Wednesday is National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day, and since women now account for one-third of all new HIV cases in D.C. [PDF], well, it's really important that we all become aware of this, post-haste! So this week, activists are hosting a variety of events around the D.C. area in an effort to encourage HIV prevention among women and girls. Even if you're not a women's health nerd like myself, the roster of activities may have something for you: Refreshments! Interactive Facebooking! A star of White Men Can't Jump, after the jump!

What: "Standing United Against HIV/AIDS: Confronting the Impact on Women and Girls," a lunch lecture featuring speakers like Tina Tchen (Executive Director of the White House Council on Women and Girls) and Dr. Howard Koh (Assistance Secretary of Health for the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services). RSVP to Lynn Shaull at 202-434-8003 or lshaull@NASTAD.org.

When: Tomorrow, March 9, 12:30 to 3 p.m.

Where: Dirksen Senate Office Building, Room 562, First and C streets NE.

Bonus: If Koh isn't your bag: The discussion will be moderated by Rosie Perez!

—

What: The "HHS Office on Women's Health National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day Event at the National Press Club," a press conference (register online here).

When: Wed., March 10, 12 to 5 p.m.

Where: National Press Club, 529 14th Street NW.

Bonus: Totally free lunch!

—

What: "REPP: Remind, Encourage, Protect, Prevent," a spoken-word poetry night featuring "DC's finest poets, spoken word artists, female DJs and MCs" taking on the question of "why women and girls must remind each other, encourage each other and our partners and protect ourselves from HIV." Plus: The world premier of REPP PSA 'The Promise Ring.'"

When: Thursday, March 11 from 5:30 to 8 p.m.

Where: The Women's Collective, 1331 Rhode Island Ave. NE

Bonus: Program host the Women's Collective promises "refreshments, giveaways, and prizes(!!!)"

—

What: "Chasing Waterfalls," a program hosted by the Black Women's Health Imperative that will provide "An Artistic Showcase and Conversation about Young Black Women and HIV/AIDS."

When: March 11 from 6 to 8:00 p.m.

Where: Tabaq Bisro, 1336 U Street, NW.

Bonus: Beyond the TLC-inspired programming? Interactive Facebooking! If you log onto the event's Facebook page and post a "creative HIV/AIDS awareness message," your "message may be featured in a collaborative poem performed by our featured artists."

—

What: "S.O.S: Saving Our Sistas from HIV/AIDS," a "skill-building summit" for women ages 13-29 (Sign up here).

When: Sat., March 13

Where: The ARC, 1901 Mississippi Ave SE.

Bonus: If you can't make it down to the ARC: "Event will conclude with a Town Hall Meeting that will be streamed live via the Internet and include panel interactions from Facebook and Twitter."

photo via Jayel Aheram, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Last week on the Sexist, we discussed the contraceptive knowledge deficit among young men (and I got into the sex ed video business). Readers, bless 'em, chimed in with more "magical" birth control theories they've heard over the years—from both men and women.

Lizrd's mom is mystified:

As a nuva ring user, it rocks and I miss it now that I’ve been booted from my parents health care. But yeah, my boyfriend was probably a little mystified by the whole endeavor. The most resistance came from my mom, who seemed to think it “caught sperm” and told me, a freshman in college “well its your pregnancy to worry about” when I told her I was making the switch from daily pills.

Sarah has heard some bizarre tampon theories in her day:

I had a boyfriend in my early twenties who thought that tampons were the size of penises, which is how they ‘filled’ you (yep, his word). He didn’t understand how I could skip the sugar pills and still be safe the week after.

Then again, I went to university with a women who thought you urinated from your vagina (not uretha), and thus avoided tampons. How would she go to the toilet then?

She was a sexually-active 21 year old at Cambridge in England. Jesus.

Shannon's boyfriend knows best:

A college boyfriend once told me I couldn’t possibly have my period because it was too early in the month. He had interpreted “every 28 days” to mean that all women, everywhere, simultaneously got their periods on the 28th of the month. He also accused me of lying when I still had said period 5 days later. His biology textbook had informed him that periods only lasted 3 days. (You’ll be shocked to hear this relationship did not last very long.)

K's sex partner finally understands pills—hundreds of women later:

I am sleeping with a 27-year-old man who has had many, many partners before me (all women.) One night he wanted me to stay over, and I said I can’t, I forgot my pills and don’t want to take one late. He said, “That’s okay, I just won’t come in you this time.” As if the pills were like condoms, and you took one every day you might get pregnant.

I explained that to him that they didn’t work if I took them irregularly, and that they were like antibiotics: they wouldn’t work if I gave up half-way thru. He understands much better now, but how he got to 27 without this knowledge, when I know he’s slept with literally hundreds of women, is mind-boggling.

disgusted dude knows a guy who is disgusted by vaginas:

There’s a Simpsons episode in which Nelson Muntz eats contraceptive pills hidden in a box of mints. His resulting hormonal imbalance is a running gag throughout the show. Jokes based on the idea The Pill contains hormones date back to 16 Candles. I’m stunned by the idea there are guys watching that and having no idea what they’re laughing about.

Perhaps it’s because I grew up in the 80s and my life just happened to co-incide with Peak Sex Ed. Even in conservative Florida, they started teaching the biology of reproduction in 6th grade and eventually covered periods and hormones.

Due to the growing AIDs crisis/panic, my college was aggressive about teaching reproductive health in general and people were receptive. This conintued into my young adulthood – fighting AIDs had the side effect of making general information about “down there” a more common talking point.

On the other hand, an acquaintence my age was a person for whom no subject was too gross except ladyparts. Scatology was a big topic, but jokes or even mentioning the cycle made him put hands over his ears.

Jamie put a copper thing in her baby incubator:

I got a copper IUD inserted recently and the whole process freaked my boyfriend out. It took lots of explaining for him to wrap his head around it and I think it still makes him uncomfortable. I make sure he is aware of what my genitals are doing at all times, though, so he’s used to hearing about it.

As for girls being equally clueless, a girl I know (who attends an Ivy League school) asked me if “the uterus is where the baby lives for nine months.”

In my research on hilarious misconceptions about birth control, the NuvaRing proved to be one of the most misunderstood options. My theory: Unlike other methods of female birth control, men are actually forced to come in contact with the NuvaRing (through their penises!), at which point they are prompted to verbalize their confusion.

And so, in order to foster understanding of this birth control method, I spent a little bit of time at work today sketching a vagina in Microsoft Paint. Since some public information about the vaginal ring can be perplexing:

[youtube:v=ppypTFoj4CA]
The birth control pill is like synchronized swimming, whereas the NuvaRing is like socializing in a hot tub. There are more bikinis in the hot tub!

. . . Perhaps this chart will help to fill in some of the blanks. Or maybe your sex partner will just wonder how you got yourself that radioactive vagina. Either way, print a copy and bring it with you on a night out!

Allison, 26, and her boyfriend were having sex—an activity they had engaged in many times over the six months they had been dating—when her contraceptive vaginal ring fell right out of her vagina. Her boyfriend paused. He developed a sudden concern over the efficacy of the couple’s method of birth control. “He was like, ‘Oh, no. How is it going to catch my semen?’” Allison recalls.

For about a year now, Allison has used the NuvaRing to prevent pregnancy. Three weeks out of the month, the clear, flexible plastic ring sits in Allison’s vagina and releases hormones into her bloodstream that prevent her from ovulating. It does not “catch” anybody’s semen.

“He played it off as a joke,” says Allison of her boyfriend’s bizarre interpretation of her birth control. “But in the tone of his voice, that honest worry was there. Part of him was thinking, ‘What does this ring actually do?’”

Allison is a veteran witness to contraception awareness syndrome. “I was dating a guy in college who knew that I was on the birth control pill. Of course, he was concerned about me getting pregnant,” says Allison. “So he said, ‘You know, you should take four or five of these a day—just take as many as you need to,’” she says.

Jenna had been living with her boyfriend for several months when he floated his own contraceptive theory. Jenna was taking her birth control pills continuously, meaning that she was skipping the pack’s built-in placebo pills in order to stop her period. At some point, her boyfriend discovered how she had managed to avoid the monthly ritual. “I was thinking you were just magical, like a unicorn,” he told her. “I mean, you hope one exists somewhere, but you never think you’ll get to live with one…a cool chick with no period drama that has sex all month long.” He added, “The guys thought I was making it up.” (Boyfriends could not be reached for comment for this story).

According to a new study by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, many young American men exhibit attitudes toward contraception that could best be described as “magical.” The study [PDF] surveyed American singles ages 18–29 about their perceptions about and use of contraception. Twenty-eight percent of young men think that wearing two condoms at a time is more effective than just one. Twenty-five percent think that women can prevent pregnancy by douching after sex. Eighteen percent believe that they can reduce the chance of pregnancy by doing it standing up.

For the most part, men lagged behind women on the pregnancy prevention front. And when the study dipped into the realm of “female” forms of birth control, the gender divide intensified. In the study, 29 percent of men and 32 percent of women reported that they know “little or nothing about condoms.” When asked to rate their knowledge of birth control pills, 78 percent of men reported to be clueless, compared to 45 percent of women.

With a majority of young men generally unknowledgeable about hormonal birth control—and nearly half of young women equally stumped—men sometimes don’t figure out the basics until they think they may have impregnated someone, or their penis feels something weird. “I dated a girl with a NuvaRing, while I didn’t know she had one,” says a 22-year-old Arlington resident who didn’t discover how the couple was preventing baby-making until his penis was already well inside her vagina. “I found out the physical way, when I felt the alien object. I immediately recoiled in fear, asking what was wrong. It was frightening. Then she told me her birth control was a ring in her vagina, which I had never heard of.” He demanded the evidence. “She retrieved it—which is a sight to see—and showed it to me, put it back, and we continued,” he says. “I feel like girls should tell people.”

When Allison’s boyfriend expressed concern with the efficacy of her vaginal ring, she told him all about it. But even between two adults, the subject inspired some awkwardness. “The conversation wasn’t exactly free-flowing,” Allison says. “I’ve been dating since high school, and it feels like the men that I date now have a very similar idea of birth control as the men I dated who were high school students,” says Allison. “They get a preliminary idea in sex ed, and then there’s not really any education after that. Nothing ever changes.”

In addition to staging teach-ins, women are also responsible for shouldering the physical, emotional, and financial responsibilities for pregnancy prevention. Pap smears, STI tests, and gynecological sessions about their contraceptive options—that’s just the tip of it for the sexually active woman. In order to keep their birth control subscription fresh, they have to repeat that process every year. Their male sex partners are under no such requirements. As Salon noted last year, women have 11 methods of contraception from which to choose; men have two—condom and vasectomy. And even if men did have additional reliable birth control options, many women wouldn’t trust them to use them correctly. In a comment on the Salon article, one woman wrote, “I love my husband more than anything in the world but I would not place that responsibility on him because if the BC failed and he was responsible for it I would kill him then he would be dead and I would be having a child while in prison.” Perhaps it is no mystery why some men confine their responsibility to forms of birth control which relate directly to their own genitalia.

Gustav Seestedt, 23, says that birth control pills are the form of contraception he has “the most indirect experience with.” He has no idea how they work. “I thought it, uh, controlled, uh… I actually don’t know, now that I think about it,” he says. “Oh, man, I thought it had something to do with hormonal control, but that doesn’t seem right at all. That sounds pretty awful. I thought it, uh, somehow killed fertility with like chemicals and stuff,” he says. The ring, however, strikes Seestedt as a superior option. “I thought that was pretty fine, because, from what I understood, it was kind of a low-cost way of doing it, and it wasn’t really…I like it because chemical pills and stuff are kind of weird, [but the ring] was kind of placed inside, and…you know what I mean? It just kind of did its thing, you know?”

To some, the male indifference to birth control can be attributed to a juvenile disregard for all things related to the place in which the vaginal ring “does its thing.” We live in a country where heterosexual heartthrob Robert Pattinson feels comfortable announcing to Details magazine, “I really hate vaginas. I’m allergic to vagina.” Where tech nerds everywhere let out a collective titter over new Apple device the “iPad,” because it sounds kind of like a thing women use when they’re on their periods. Where Judd Apatow has built a film career out of turning extended vagina jokes into blockbusters.

“I definitely think that the inability to understand birth control goes back to the woman’s period,” says Allison. Months after the vaginal ring incident, Allison’s boyfriend remained confused about the specifics of her menstrual cycle. “The other day, I was on my period, and I took out my tampon before I went into the shower,” she says. “My boyfriend was like, ‘Wait: But you just took your tampon out. Can you go into the shower like that?’”

Allison responded to her boyfriend’s question with more questions. “Does he think that the second I take out my tampon, it’s just blood, blood everywhere?” she wondered. “That if I don’t plug it up with this cotton thing every moment, all hell will break loose?” Her boyfriend did not elaborate. “He was just kind of like, ‘Never mind,’” says Allison. “I think he understood the absurdity of his comment. But he was making an honest attempt to learn about something he doesn’t really know about.”

VIDEO: Men Explaining Birth Control.

Photo by outcast104, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Sexist pet peeve: the persistent myth that women are all privately obsessed with producing tiny widdle babies. Working to debunk that assumption is a recent National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy study [PDF] which surveyed thousands of young Americans, aged 18 to 29, about their thoughts and perceptions about pregnancy. Guess which group is more likely to be "pleased" at an unplanned pregnancy? It's not the one with the silently weeping ovaries.

In order to gauge the "surprise fetus" reaction, NCPTUP researchers first isolated survey respondents who claimed it was "very important or somewhat important for them to avoid pregnancy right now." Then, researchers asked them how they would feel about an unplanned pregnancy:

If you found out today that (you were/your partner was) pregnant, how would you feel: Very upset, a little upset, a little pleased, very pleased, wouldn’t care.

Results: Staggeringly gendered! Forty-three percent of young men responded that they would be "a little pleased" or "very pleased" by the news; only 20 percent of women answered the same. Men also proved more comfortable with an unplanned pregnancy at an earlier age: Thirty-four percent of men 18-19 said they would be pleased. By the time they reach age 20-24, 42 percent of men said they would be pleased. And over 50 percent of men aged 25-29 would be pleased by the news. Remember: this is only among men who deemed it "important" that a pregnancy not occur at this junction.

Meanwhile, the percentage of women who would be "pleased" by an unplanned pregnancy stays steady at a low 16 percent all the way from age 18 to 24. By the time women reach the 25-29 age range, the percentage of "pleased" women soars to 29 percent. Despite the jump, women in their late 20s still lag behind their male counterparts by 22 percentage points. I don't know: Perhaps our joy is muted by the fact that unexpected pregnancies tend to put us ladies out a touch.

So, politely, what the fuck is going on? How many women out there are having sex under the assumption that their male partners are invested in teaming up to prevent pregnancy, only to discover that the guys are privately ecstatic about the idea? And could it happen to me? After all, my boyfriend falls into the Pleased By Surprise Fetus Danger Zone of age 25-29. Better safe than sorry:

me: Hey, would you agree that it's very important or somewhat important for us to avoid pregnancy right now?

him: What?

me: Don't worry, it's a theoretical question.

him: Christ. Very.

me: OK.

him: ??

me: If you found out today that I was pregnant, how would you feel: Very upset, a little upset, a little pleased, very pleased, wouldn’t care?

him: Hmm. Wouldnt care. I guess.

me: Just so you know, over half of men in your age range would be pleased or very pleased, even though they say it is important for them to not cause a pregnancy right now.

him: Oh, I would never have picked those.

Whew. I never thought I would register my boyfriend "not caring" about me getting pregnant as a small victory, but I'll take what I can get.

I'm a condom access nerd, so I was excited to see a Shapley Prose commenter post this vintage Golden Girls clip of Rose, Dorothy, and Blanche getting shamed by their cashier for loudly buying condoms for their romantic getaway (rarely do two nerd obsessions combine so harmoniously).

Next time your condom dispenser is a jerk about your safe sex purchases, try using Dorothy's Blanche's retort, which is, at the very least, sure to leave the cashier speechless: "Now we are embarking on a little weekend cruise with some longtime gentlemen friends, and if we decide to be intimate, then we'll be prepared . . . We're going to walk out here today with our heads held high, secure in the knowledge that we have done is morally and socially responsible."

Yesterday's post on a guy named “Dirty Jersey” who refused to strap one on sparked a more general discussion about guys who refuse to wear condoms. Then, commenter Shinobi chimed in with an area  for further inquiry: "Hilarious reasons guys can’t wear a condom."

Shinobi kicks it off:

Can I get a WTF on college aged guys who bitch about wearing condoms? Not that I took a represenatative sample or anything……. but it happened a LOT. (Actually, after college too… again, not a representative sample.)

I think what college papers actually need is a column about how men who want to get laid need to have the testicular fortitude to wear a fucking condom, and in fact, provide said condom, and show a little fucking consideration for the girl and not make her practicly beg you to put it on.

Also, don’t take it off in the middle, because that’s fucked up and means you are a scumbag.

I think I needed to use the f word more in this comment.

Liss chimes in:

Super extra fail to the guy who told me that he “couldn’t” wear condoms because he was JUST TOO BIG for them! (Even though bigger guys than him had worn the exact same type of condom and gotten off just fine with them.)

So: Have you heard a hilarious reason why a guy won't wear a condom? Even better: Are you a guy with a hilarious justification for why you won't strap one on? Best: Are you a lady or guy with a hilarious justification for why you don't want your sex partner to condom up? Even bestest: Do you totally object to the idea that your reasons for not wearing a condom are, in fact, hilarious? File it in the comments.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

The Department of Insurance, Securities and Banking (DISB) has not made any changes in its position regarding contraceptive coverage in individual health insurance under Commissioner Gennet Purcell or prior to Commissioner Purcell's appointment.

In fact, mandated coverages for insurance are not at the discretion of the insurance commissioner, but rather mandated coverages are those that are required by D.C. law. Contraceptive coverage is not now, nor has it ever been, a mandated coverage in D.C. DISB has researched its recent consumer complaint history and found no complaints about individual health insurance not covering contraception. It is surveying insurance companies writing individual health insurance in the District of Columbia and, while responses are still coming in, has found that there are individual plans available in D.C. that provide contraceptive coverage.

I called the DISB earlier today, and never heard back. But Commissioner Gennet Purcell weighed in on the comments: "District Residents/Sexist Bloggers: Please check your facts. I have not made any policy decisions or other DISB determinations regarding mandated contraception coverage in the District of Columbia. This is simply untrue."

D.C. ladies on the pill: You may not know the name of Gennet Purcell, the woman that Mayor Adrian Fenty appointed to head up the D.C. Department of Insurance, Securities and Banking last August. You should. Purcell may be responsible for sending your birth control costs through the roof. Yesterday, Amie Newman of R.H. Reality Check reported that Purcell recently gave insurance companies the go-ahead to opt out of contraception coverage. [UPDATE: Purcell's office roundly denies Newman's story. Statement after the jump].

Under Purcell's watch, private insurance companies operating in Washington DC are now allowed to opt out of covering contraception in individual plans. This coverage is considered "non-mandatory" by the insurance commissioner and some women are finding their birth control coverage suddenly dropped.

UPDATE: A call I made to DISB this afternoon was not returned, but a DISB rep issued the following statement to DCist:

The Department of Insurance, Securities and Banking (DISB) has not made any changes in its position regarding contraceptive coverage in individual health insurance under Commissioner Gennet Purcell or prior to Commissioner Purcell’s appointment.

In fact, mandated coverages for insurance are not at the discretion of the insurance commissioner, but rather mandated coverages are those that are required by D.C. law. Contraceptive coverage is not now, nor has it ever been, a mandated coverage in D.C. DISB has researched its recent consumer complaint history and found no complaints about individual health insurance not covering contraception. It is surveying insurance companies writing individual health insurance in the District of Columbia and, while responses are still coming in, has found that there are individual plans available in D.C. that provide contraceptive coverage.

Photo by nateOne, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Whenever a man deviates from this reproductive gender role, he's labeled as kind of a pussy. When a woman deviates from the role, she doesn't get off so easy—she's a bad, immoral, evil slut. It's funny: even those who believe that men and women were "created" this way though the process of evolution—and not via some God who wove his moral authority into our very genitals—will still argue that deviating from gender norms results in great moral depravity.

Except for gay guys! When gay men are sexually promiscuous—you know, like men are evolutionarily wired to be—they are bad, immoral, evil sluts, too. Welcome to the club, guys (there are no free towels). It's funny: even those who believe that there's nothing wrong with being gay still argue that gay sex results in the great moral depravity usually reserved only for female sluts. Why? Because there are no women around to virtuously refuse to have sex with them.

Yesterday, The New Gay editor Zack made the gay man's double-standard clear. Zack has been seeing his boyfriend for two years. And one time, Zack peed on someone's face in a kiddie pool (consensually). Sure, it's not the most effective way of spreading one's seed, but whatever—he's a dude, and it's only natural for him to want to do some freaky stuff with his penis, right? Wrong. Zack peed on a man's face, which is a no good very bad slutty thing to do. And it's not because men loving men is bad—it's because men fucking men is bad. And it all comes back to us ladies. Zack writes:

Though gay men’s lives are not purely defined by sex — I don’t need to tell you that the richness of the modern queer experience goes beyond an eternal search for dick in ass — I think we do ourselves a disservice by forgetting that we have been designated like we are because of sex. Not love, not companionship, not dating, but sex. Gay marriage is verboten because it leads to gay sex. Parent freak out about gay teachers because they think we’ll teach their children about abhorrent sex. Gay adoption, gay blood donors, all “controversial” aspects of us as a people can be traced back to a popular disdain for how we get off.

However, the way to address this is not to cut sex out of our lives entirely. Some people seem to think that we can whitewash ourselves to equality. Show no affection, no desire, no indication that you have anything between your legs but a smooth strip of plastic and we’ll be able to do what everyone else does. This is true in a sense, but if we win our acceptance as a sexless people we’ll be forever robbed of sex. It’s common sense. Not everyone wants to be joined in holy matrimony or to fight in the military, but everyone wants to have sex. And if the way we have sex is fundamentally accepted, then all of our other rights would fall into line. I’m sure of this.

The parallels between gay rights and women's rights here are obvious. There's a reason that feminism is so centered around reproductive rights (it's the sex). Birth control allows women to have sex the way we want, for the reasons we want to, and without the responsibility of bearing all the moral consequences that come with having sex (chiefly, babies). And yet, even when sex is very explicitly undertaken for pleasure instead of reproduction, women are still called upon to bring some morality to the situation. A woman who takes her birth control pill every day is still a slut. A woman who uses a condom is still a slut. A man who pees on another man's face, where insemination is impossible—as is transmission of HIV, which often acts as a moral-responsibility stand-in for pregnancy—is still a slut.

In response to Zack's coming out as a slut, commenter B.B. wrote:

I am so exhausted from hearing excuse after excuse about why having sex with anyone and everyone anywhere and everywhere is “okay.” No, it is not okay. Let’s also not fool ourselves into believing that straight men are just as slutty as gay men. Women are still socialized to rebuff men’s attempts to have sex with them. I do not doubt that many straight men would have sex as often as possible if they could, but there is still a certain degree of dignity in the straight dating arena.

Ah, dignity. Where does this dignity come from? Why, it comes from us, the women, who must be forever chaste in order to save all of mankind from sluttiness. But once you take women out of the equation, sexual relationships become a lot less dignified—in fact, they become something approaching equal!

Behind the slut-shaming of gay men and the slut-shaming of straight women is the same irrational fear: the fear of equality in sexual relationships. And it sucks for everybody. In accordance with gender roles, men are considered morally inferior to women. Women are considered morally responsible for men. Men who have sex with men will never have their immoral natures redeemed by women. Women who have sex with women are wasting their feminine virtue.

I'm with Zack on this one—it all comes down to equality in the bedroom. When women are allowed to want sex like men, we will all be made responsible for our own personal relationships—and not the collective morality of our entire society. And when everything is equal between men and women, gay men and women will no longer be considered morally inferior to all heterosexuals. And consensual kiddie pool face-pissing will be available for all, if that's what they're into.

So ... ejaculation. It turns out that where you do it can greatly affect a woman's chances of becoming pregnant. Like: If you ejaculate straight up into her vagina, she's more likely to become pregnant; if you ejaculate into a condom or anywhere else in the world, she's less likely to conceive. Every 16-year-old boy knows this to be true, and now those 16-year-old boys have grown up to become the Guttmacher Institute's Lead Pulling-Out Researcher, Rachel K. Jones. Jones published her findings in the June issue of Contraception magazine [via NYT]:

“If the male partner withdraws before ejaculation every time a couple has vaginal intercourse, about 4 percent of couples will become pregnant over the course of a year,” the authors write.

For condoms, used optimally, the rate is about 2 percent. But more significant, the authors say, are the rates for “typical use,” because people can’t be expected to use any contraception method perfectly every time. Typical use of withdrawal leads to pregnancy 18 percent of the time, they write; for typical use of condoms 17 percent of the time.

Hey, that's information that helps us become better informed about our sex lives. Great, right? No. IT'S BAD, says the Daily Beast's Tracy Quan, who calls the study's results "folk wisdom" with a lack of "supporting evidence" and infers that the Guttmacher Institute is no longer "sane" for publishing this no good very bad information. Why? Because withdrawal is "caddish," "insulting," and it's FOR BOYS, NOT GIRLS. And we all know we can't trust boys to do anything. What else can't we trust? Science, for one! And while we're at it: We can't trust grown women in mutually monogamous relationships to make this choice for themselves, either, even though it's free, accessible, and feels better than a condom. THERE I SAID IT.

But enough about ejaculating outside of vaginas. Oh, wait, no: It's time for Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I to discuss ejaculating outside of vaginas some more! Join us!

AMANDA: 9:23 a.m. is a great time to talk about the ups and downs of not ejaculating into vaginas.

SADY: yes. personally, when i heard that not ejaculating into vaginas was a "reliable" form of birth control, i had my suspicions! i was like: apparently all of the dudes i have argued with about birth control have become scientists! who knew?

AMANDA: published in the renowned peer-reviewed journal of medicine, Maxim.

SADY: right. it strikes me as some flawed science, is what i am saying! for, even if withdrawal is a semi-effective method of "birth control," it strikes me as a highly ineffective method of Not Getting Various Diseases Such As The Herp Control. which i think is what Tracy Quan is saying, which is good common sense.

AMANDA: of course, but at the same time, real scientists who are not your ex-boyfriends have worked very hard to come up with dozens of methods of birth control that also don't prevent STDs

SADY: fair enough! the scientists, they do these things! i suppose i am a person who likes a certain modicum of control over these situations. and withdrawal as birth control, TO ME, relies on your partner having (a) really good timing, and (b) a solid commitment to not getting distracted or losing track of whatever he is supposed to be doing, during a moment that (AS I UNDERSTAND IT) can be kind of distracting! (I AM REFERRING TO THE MALE ORGASM. In case my incredible tastefulness and subtlety are working against me.)

AMANDA: this is a point that Quan made as well, and I agree that for a lot of people withdraw would not be a good option for this reason. But all forms of birth control come with a degree of human error, or in some cases, shit ripping inside your vagina error. say you're a couple who doesn't want to use condoms. and the woman takes her birth control pills, but the man, like you, can't trust her—for whatever reason—to take them at the same time every day. maybe she forgets sometimes!

SADY: fair enough!

AMANDA: he might not want to rely on her, either. and so if you forget a birth control pill, or a condom breaks, or you ejaculate into a vagina, you know, you can take emergency contraception as well. one of the interesting things to me about this study—and i'm just going to assume the study is accurate for argument, because i don't know anything about methodology with these things. is that it placed withdrawl slightly below condoms, right? and still, most of the response has been, 'there's no way this could ever work, this is some frat dude conspiracy.' and so perhaps what this study reveals isn't that withdrawl is a very good option, but rather that we have a bit too much faith in condoms

SADY: a fascinating point! and i agree, some of this may have to do with the fact that, as long as i've been alive, anyway, Birth Control has been less important to the discussion than Safe Sex. and most of the sex ed i have ever received has been like, "USE CONDOMS, also there are other methods but seriously just USE CONDOMS." and i'm still a fan of the condom, because it is cheap and does not require a prescription and has a lower failure rate and higher disease protection rate than other things! the withdrawal method, to me, requires what is (in many or most circumstances) a perhaps unrealistically high level of trust for one's makeout partner. but maybe this just has to do with the fact that i have been culturally conditioned to trust other people less than i trust the Trojan corporation.

AMANDA: of course. and the method is really counter-intuitive, because pulling out is something that irresponsible 15 year old boys are supposed to do, when really it's something that would be more appropriate for, say, mutually monogamous STD-free old people.

SADY: right. it is odd for me that something which is the centerpiece of much heterosexual porn is now a meaningful expression of committed monogamous trust. NEXT UP: how having sex on a bus can keep you from getting cancer!

AMANDA: hhahaha. yeah. i heard if you put a donut on it and then seductively bite it off it lowers the risk of kidney failure, or something

SADY: WOW. a doughnut, you say! i guess i've been doing it all wrong with the bagels.

AMANDA: i'm with the critics of Quan with this one, though – something that PEOPLE DO turning out to be less sexually risky than we thought is probably a good thing. she says a bit of anxiety is good, but i actually have a lot of that! and so reducing that is probably a good thing for a lot of people. maybe not for Quan, but it's not like we're getting rid of condoms! The Trojan lobby (sponsored by Tiger Beatdown) would never allow that.

SADY: true enough. i guess i am just concerned with the fact that there is already pressure on girls to be the "cool" ones who don't "make" the dude use condoms. i do not know why i think that the sort of dudes who apply that pressure are all going to show up with scientific studies and go through a careful risk-benefit analysis! yet i do. in conclusion: withdrawal is totally fine, if you want to do that and are reasonable about it, and not fine if you do not. CONTROVERSY!

AMANDA: agreed. DON'T LET HIM NOT EJACULATE IN YOUR VAGINA IF YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO NOT DO THAT, KIDS.

SADY: there, problem solved. everybody does what they want to do. the real winner? the paper towel industry. hurrah!

Photo by amorphity

Tomorrow, Cure CVS Now and a coalition of public health advocates will gather outside the Dupont Circle CVS store in an attempt to pressure the pharmacy chain to rethink its locked condom policies. The ultimate goal of the "rally and press conference" is to convince "CVS to adopt a corporate policy to keep all condoms unlocked at all times." A letter to CVS CEO Tom Ryan will be unveiled!

Gina Bowers of Cure CVS Now admits that the CVS store at 6 Dupont Circle does not lock up its condoms—and that D.C. CVS stores are freer than in many other cities with high HIV rates across the country. "We wanted to do this in D.C. to focus on the national nature of our campaign, but we also want to acknowledge that we are doing this on the backs of the activists who have had success in unlocking the condoms there," she says. Though the District of Columbia has been somewhat of a success story for public health groups like Cure CVS Now and Save Lives, Free the Condoms, Bowers says that the condom-freeing work—in D.C. and elsewhere—isn't done until a national policy is in place. "One thing our researchers have found is that many stores only unlock the condoms for a while, and then lock them back up again," she says.

More details about the rally:

WHAT: Rally and press conference

WHO: National Organization of Women (NOW); Advocates for Youth; ACT UP; Latino Commission on AIDS; Black Women for Wellness; Community HIV/AIDS Mobilization Project (CHAMP); more.

WHEN: 12:30 PM EST Thursday, June 11, 2009

WHERE:

CVS/pharmacy
6 Dupont Circle
Washington, D.C.

Photo by NCinDC

Via Feministe: Advocates for Youth, in conjunction with Cure CVS Now, has created a petition to tell CVS to unlock the condom cases in its stores:

Call on CVS to unlock condom cases in all its stores. Locked condoms create a barrier to condom access, and could be a threat to public health. CVS's practice of locking condom cases in minority neighborhoods is unacceptable, and we urge CVS to change its store policy. Walgreens and Rite-Aid prohibit condom lock-up: it's time CVS did the same.

CVS claims to have unlocked all of the condoms in its Washington, D.C. stores. Last month, I wrote a story about how, despite the lip service, condom access in our CVS stores remains a pain in the ass. Unlocking the condoms and then placing them into click-boxes which are often broken—and sometimes actually locked!—isn't good enough. Perhaps the petition should read: Unlock the condoms. For real this time, guys.

Sign the petition here.

Photo by Darrow Montgomery

Last week, I wrote about how CVS Pharmacies in Washington, D.C. are continuing to limit access to condoms by locking up some stores and declining to work with public health activist groups. The main problem with condom lock-up is that it forces customers to interact with several employees, wait around in front of the condom box, and verbally request the product. In short, it's embarrassing.

Sometimes, the employees make it more so. I stopped by a CVS in Los Angeles last week to pick up some personal items—not condoms, though. I approached the cashier with a box of tampons, some Midol, and a pack of gum. I was with a boy.

The cashier rung up my merchandise, requested my CVS card, and delivered my change. Then, she said this to us:

"You kids have fun this weekend, whatever you do or don't do!"

Whatever we "do" or "don't do"? You got us good, CVS. I thought your employees could only make me uncomfortable about doing it when I bought something actually related to sex. Now I know you can make me uncomfortable about doing it (or not doing it!) when I buy anything at all!

Photo by Editor B

I've always said that the best way to prevent teen pregnancy is to turn 20, am I right? But for those still stuck in their 13-to-19s, the campaign's Web site offers a quick quiz to help you determine how likely you are to get teen pregnant.

If, like me, your teen years are mercifully behind you, take the quiz anyway. I used it to determine whether or not I can boast more emotional maturity than a 16-year-old.

And . . . I cannot! I took the quiz and scored as "Sort of a Sexpert." (Sort of a Sexpert? Do you people have any idea who I am?) According to the campaign, that score means that "Most of the time [I] know what the right choice is, but [I] don’t always make it when it comes to sex." Yeah, that actually sounds about right.

But hey, maybe I'm just too fucking old to know how to prevent teen pregnancy. There is, after all, a "sexting" question:

Laura and Amy are bored* one Saturday afternoon so they start taking goofy pictures of each other with Laura’s camera phone. At first its just funny faces and model poses, but then Amy lifts up her shirt and Laura snaps a picture of her. “I’m so sending this to Mike,” says Laura.

A. “Ha! Do it! He’s so hot. Maybe he’ll return the favor and send me a picture of his naked butt.”

B. “No, don’t! I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. I like him, but I’m not ready to hook up yet.”

C. “You have to delete that picture immediately. That was really dumb of me. I don’t want that pic to get
forwarded to everyone at school. Don’t you watch Gossip Girl?”

D. “Go ahead. Now he’ll see what he’s missing.”

I actually got that one right. But only because I watch Gossip Girl.

* oh, boredom.

For thirty months, the men were injected with 500mg of testosterone undecanoate in tea seed oil once a month. The treatment was 99 percent effective at preventing pregnancy, and after the study ended all but two of the men had their fertility levels return to normal.

According to Jezebel, "Scientists have been trying to develop a male Pill for almost two decades, but progress has been slow. . . . large pharmaceutical companies have been reluctant to perform large trials and many people believe that women wouldn't trust men to take the pill."

Oh noes, shifting of responsibilities? Yeah, you know what, I think I could handle it.

When a Fairfax County mother got an urgent call from school last month reporting that her teenage daughter was caught popping a pill at lunchtime, she did not panic. "It was probably her birth-control pill," she thought. She was right.

Her heart dropped that afternoon in the assistant principal's office at Oakton High School when she and her daughter heard the mandatory punishment: A two-week suspension and recommendation for expulsion.

This story has less to do with reproductive rights than it does the thorough fucked-up-edness of the high school's zero-tolerance drug policy.

Because the student chose to took the pill herself instead of handing the pack over to the school nurse to distribute every lunch period, she'll face penalties on par with "bringing a gun to school" and harsher than "if she had been caught high on LSD, heroin or another illegal drug." This is in a place where "county policy permits cough drops to be carried on campus, for instance, but not shared."

What's most fucked about this situation*?

(a) The student had been prescribed the drug by a doctor
(b) Nobody has ever gotten high off of birth control, ever
(c) The Fairfax school system could better spend its resources like, teaching shit
(d) The cough drop-sharing menace has declined in recent years
(d) fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

Let's parse the levels of fuck in the following statement from a Fairfax schools administrator:

"Most people would not know the difference between birth control or some Ritalin or Tylenol or codeine," said Clarence Jones, coordinator for the Fairfax school system's safe and drug-free youth program. "If they are just pulling something out of their pockets and sticking it in their mouths, we don't know what they are taking."

Ah yes, the intuitive juxtaposition of "birth control" versus "some Ritalin or Tylenol or codeine." One drug can only be used to prevent babies; the others are explicitly prescribed so that kids with ADD can learn, are sold over-the-counter for headaches, or are highly addictive pain medications that cause symptoms of withdrawl.

But if administrators could not, in fact, tell if a teen was popping a birth control pill, or a self-purchased cough drop, or crack or whatever, here's a solution: Why don't you just ask that teenage human that's sitting right in front of you? If they have a prescription for the medication, or if the medication does not require a prescription, leave them alone and move on to more important issues, like prosecuting sexters or alerting the media to clandestine rainbow parties.

* Answer: D.

Cristina Page for Reproductive Health Reality Check wrote yesterday on one sector of the economy that hasn't hurt from the economic downturn: Birth control sales. Page's evidence of a contraceptive spike:

- Vasectomy.com has fielded a 30 percent increase in appointment requests since January

- Over-the-counter contraceptives (like condoms and emergency contraception) have "jumped a dazzling 10.2 percent in the first two months of the year."

- Nielson reports that "condom sales jumped up 5 percent in the fourth quarter of 2008 and 6 percent in January compared with the same time periods last year."

- and "sales of Essure, a non-invasive, irreversible birth control method for women were up also, 28 percent over last year's sales."

The numbers aren't simply evidence of couples putting off pregnancies during the recession—they're also a big fuck-you to Congressional Republicans who objected to the family planning provisions in Obama's stimulus. Vasectomies, condoms, and Plan B are great options for men and women with health insurance and cash. But those Americans who can't afford to step-up their birth control with their current bank balances will be having recession-era babies—and they're the ones who will be hit hardest by another mouth to feed.

Or, as Page puts it: "So much for contraception being a non-sequitur in discussions about the economy."

Photo by Marshall Astor

Zack Rosen over at The New Gay wrote an excellent column the other day about the importance of condom use within the gay community. The post covers a lot of ground—personal responsibility, modes of transmission, casual anal bleeding:

A couple years ago when one of the cutest boys I’d ever seen begged me to fuck him without a condom. Actually, beg is the wrong word. He pleaded. He whined. He implored me not to use one as if it was simply some seasoning our our sexual entree that he found disagreeable.

Condoms, however, are not cilantro and I refused to eat without one. And the next morning I found his blood on my sheets, meaning that if he had listened to me, and I was HIV+, he would’ve been too. What a dumbass.

Zack answers a lot of questions about cultural attitudes toward condoms in same-sex relationships, but he also posed a question for me: Do straight people feel the same urgency to use protection?

I am but one woman, and I do not speak for The Straights. But D.C.'s newest AIDS numbers included two statistics that may have something do do with each other: The leading mode of transmission for new HIV cases is heterosexual sex, and 7 out of 10 D.C. citizens reported to not use condoms.

One reason I think condom concern may be lower among heterosexuals is that the HIV threat hasn't been pounded into our brains for decades, like it has in the gay community. Also, "protection" means something different than STD prevention for us—it also means preventing babies. In a lot of heterosexual relationships, sex partners are often so worried about pregnancy that the fear of conception overshadows concern over STDs.

I have to think that the real question, in the straight world, must be this: Are condoms as important to men as they are to women? In both cases—pregnancy and STD prevention—the responsibility to use protection often falls on her. She has to go to the doctor regularly and get her birth control prescription and make sure she takes it correctly every day. Often, she also has to make sure the man is wearing a condom. If she doesn't, she's more at risk than he is: In a female-to-male HIV contact scenario, women are more likely to contract the virus than men are, because of the way our bodies are made. This is true all the time—it doesn't depend on whether or not anybody is bleeding or whether the sex is anal.

So, that leads me to my question for Zack: Are condoms as important to guys on top as they are to guys on bottom?

Photo by victoriapeckham.

U.S. District Judge Edward Korman had some harsh words for the Bush-run FDA in laying down his judgment, the Associated Press reports:

n a thorough denunciation of the Bush administration, U.S. District Judge Edward Korman blasted the FDA's handling of the issue, saying it had "repeatedly and unreasonably" delayed issuing a decision on the medication.

The morning-after pill is a source of tension for social conservatives who held great sway in the Bush administration and who believe the pill is tantamount to abortion.

The ruling said the FDA in several instances had delayed issuing a ruling for suspect reasons and on two occasions only took action to facilitate the confirmation of acting FDA commissioners whose confirmations had been held up by the repeated delays.

"These political considerations, delays, and implausible justifications for decision-making are not the only evidence of a lack of good faith and reasoned decision-making," Korman said. "Indeed, the record is clear that the FDA's course of conduct regarding Plan B departed in significant ways from the agency's normal procedures regarding similar applications to switch a drug product from prescription to non-prescription use."

According to the AP, "the FDA's Advisory Committee voted 23 to 4 in 2003 to approve Plan B for over-the-counter status without age restrictions. However, out of nearly two dozen applications to move a prescription drug to over-the-counter status, the Plan B request was the only one not approved after the committee recommended it." In 2006, the medication was made available over the counter, but only to adults.

Korman's ruling, which must go into effect within 30 days, is a big step forward. But if the FDA approved the sale of the drug without age restrictions six years ago, and Judge Korman offered a scathing critique of the Bush administration's handling of the medication, why is it now only approved for women aged 17-and-up? What about 16, 15, and 14-year-old girls? Why restrict the age at all?

* Feministe reports on England's nonprescription birth control pilot program, which would allow Londoners to obtain contraception without a doctor's prescription. The program, however, would place more power over women's health decisions in the hands of the pharmacist:

Under the program, women seeking nonprescription oral contraception will undergo an interview with a qualified pharmacist. Strategic health authorities—which manage local health services under NHS—will be required to provide pharmacists with sets of instructions known as patient group directions, including special directions for girls younger than age 16.

* Via Daily Intel—deb balls, Arianna Huffington's daughter, thrive during a recession.

* Scarleteen will debate you against the "abortion debate." "Abort​ion:​​ for or again​st it? Who came up with this question, Eagle Forum? Perhaps the Heritage Foundation? Sarah Palin? It's a terrible way to frame the issue of abortion."

* As Slate's XX Factor debates the Herman Rosenblat manufactured Holocaust memoir flare-up, Noreen Malone asks, what about his wife's role in the lie?

* Elsewhere in Slate, Abby Collard informs would-be politicos how to avoid future embarrassment on Facebook. "Clearly, the safest way to protect yourself is not to have a Facebook account in the first place—or, alternatively, not to do stupid things. But neither of these pieces of advice is very practical. The whole point of being young, after all, is to do stupid things, and the whole point of Facebook is to record these acts for posterity."

Photo via trialsanderrors.

For most professionals, an acceptable excuse is required to miss work: a swollen appendix, ailing grandmother, whiplash, at the very least.

Pharmacists, on the other hand, may refuse to do their jobs for any old reason—or for none at all. We're talking about birth control, of course. In the District, for example, pharmacists are not required to provide such products, especially if their "personal views" won't allow it. According to NARAL Pro-Choice America, only six states bar pharmacists from withholding birth control prescriptions/doing their jobs: California, Illinois, Maine, Nevada, New Jersey, and Washington.

That means that D.C. is a hotbed of the ultimate bullshit defense for denying health care to women. Pharmacists here can refuse to provide women's health care based on such "personal views" as latent sexism, unsubstantiated medical opinion, or whim. Some other "personal views" local pharmacies have offered up:

It's private. A pharmacy's trust factor often relies on its adherence to privacy—its hushed consultations, the 3-foot courtesy bubble between customers, pills wrapped in nondescript white paper packaging. For contraception allies, these conventions help keep birth control a personal transaction not subject to political interference. But right across the counter, the "privacy" excuse allows pharmacists to deny you access to contraception at any time while shirking explanation and accountability-no questions asked. A flack for Wellington Pharmacy defers to the privacy excuse—"it's a relationship between a person and their physician"—as to why the pharmacy, affiliated with Catholic-leaning Providence Hospital, provides Viagra but no birth control.

This pharmacy is here to deny your rights. Those not interested in providing medications to humans can choose from a host of careers that are not involved in providing medications to humans. And yet, the D.C. area is home to several anti-contraception advocates that insist upon going the pharmaceutical route. For all these pharmacies gets wrong about women's health-namely, their positions on condoms, birth control, and the morning-after pill-they often get one thing right: At the most fanatical anti-contraception outfits, women at least know what they're not getting. America's latest pro-life pharmaceutical poster child, Chantilly's Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy, defied the tight-lipped industry standard with its grand opening last fall. Holy water slicked the shelves. A bishop blessed the operation. The AP took video. But though the DMC is the only local pharmacy affiliated with anti-contraception group Pharmacists for Life International, it's less dangerous than the other area pharmacies quietly denying access to birth control.

They've got inventory issues. On a recent Saturday, I contacted 10 local CVS pharmacies to see if they had the morning-after pill in stock. Nine did. The pharmacist at the one that didn't informed me that his store's Plan B shipments arrived on Tuesdays, so I would just have to wait 72 hours to get my hands on the pill. Never mind that the effectiveness of Plan B decreases with each hour after unprotected sex, and that after 72 hours, its chances of preventing pregnancy are kaput. The representative at another CVS that did have the pill informed me they only had two pill packs left on the shelf. They, too, received new shipments only once a week, on Tuesdays, so my chances of getting the morning after pill depend on a guessing game of how many condoms broke in the District of Columbia in any given week. Here's a tip, CVS shoppers: If you're going to need to use the morning-after pill, just make sure that morning falls on a Wednesday.

They're weirdos. Though it's not uncommon for pharmacists to operate behind a shield of privacy, some display a distaste for discussing women's health that borders on good old-fashioned sexism. When it comes to contraception, pharmacists are often skittish about discussing the most basic aspect of their business—which prescriptions they will fill and which they will not. And it's not just pharmacies with moral motivations against contraception that aren't talking. In a telephone interview, the proprietor at Dupont's Tschiffely Pharmacy refused to discuss whether the shop dispensed the morning-after pill. But when I stopped in to try to pick up a pill pack, Plan B was in stock and offered with a smile. Georgetown's Dumbarton Pharmacy, meanwhile, declined to discuss its contraceptive options at all. Playing coy with contraceptive options is less cute when women need to locate them instantly in order for them to work. No other common, FDA-approved, over-the-counter medication would receive such silent treatment from pharmacists.

Even chain stores like Rite Aid and CVS, which have national policies that adhere to the contraception-access requirement of the six aforementioned states, must draft elaborate plans by which to protect their pharmacists' idiosyncrasies. Sometimes, those quirks mean losing business. Take Rite Aid's policy, which outlines a three-step plan by which a pharmacist can avoid personally filling your birth control prescription: 1) Have another technician fill the prescription; 2) if there is no other technician on hand, contact the closest Rite Aid to dispense the medication, then have the prescription delivered back to the customer's preferred Rite Aid location; 3) if no other local Rite Aid pharmacist will consent to dispensing birth control, locate the nearest competitor that will fill the customer's need, then follow through until that need is met.

They don't trust you—or your doctor. Cathedral Pharmacy owner Paul Beringer, a Catholic, will not provide the morning-after pill. "I consider it abortion," he says. Non-emergency contraception is dispensed on a case-by-case basis-meaning that the pharmacist can nullify the decision of your medical doctor because he thinks a prescription might be faked, is uncomfortable dispensing contraception to women under the age of 18, or otherwise wishes to impose his "personal views" on your body.

They fear your vagina. Target Pharmacy provides prescription birth control as well as the morning-after pill. Other women's health products, however, aren't available even with a doctor's signature.

Parker, 27, who declined to give her full name, came to the pharmacy straight from work with a prescription from her gynecologist's office. It was 5:30 p.m. and raining, and she needed to fill the prescription that evening in order to prep for a procedure scheduled for the next morning.

But Target's pharmacist refused to fill the prescription because the doctor instructed that the pill was to be inserted vaginally. Parker's doctor had prescribed her Cytotec, an FDA-approved treatment for ulcers. The medication is also routinely prescribed off-label to dilate the cervix to induce labor in pregnant women, or, in Parker's case, to aid in the insertion of an IUD. Parker-who wasn't pregnant-learned later that the medication can also be used to induce abortion.

The pharmacist, who did not give her name, says she rebuffed Parker's prescription because she disagreed with the doctor's insistence on vaginal insertion."That's not how it's supposed to be prescribed," she says. "It's supposed to be taken orally."

The pharmacist says she tried to call Parker's doctor's office but wasn't able to reach anyone at the late hour. Parker says the pharmacist never picked up the phone while she was there and that she had to beg her to consult her doctor before she got an explanation-that the office would be closed and there was nothing she could do.

Parker left the pharmacy in tears. "I got a little hysterical," she says. "I couldn't believe that this pharmacist, who has less training than my doctor, would deny me this medication that I needed, because it was specified that it went in the vagina?"

After asking for the name of a supervisor, Parker took solace in Columbia Heights' other chain pharmacy. Still red-eyed, she crossed the street to the CVS. There, "a very nice, flirtatious Latino man filled my prescription, no questions asked."

Photo by Darrow Montgomery.

Rite Aid, 1306 U St. NW (and various). (202) 328-8761.

With over 4,900 drugstores in 31 states and the District of Columbia, Rite Aid’s chain of pharmacies stands to dispense a lot of birth control. It’s also prepared for contraception hang-ups. Rite Aid spokesperson Cheryl Slavinsky says that the chain has policies in place to comply with all state and federal regulations for dispensing medication—and deal with those employees who hold moral or religious beliefs against providing contraception.

"Rite Aid pharmacists or any associates are prohibited from imposing their moral or religious beliefs on the customer, and it is his/her responsibility to fulfill their professional duty to the customer," Slavinsky says. But if an associate chooses not to personally fill a birth control prescription—-or any other medication, for that matter—they have options.

If a Rite Aid associate doesn’t want to provide an over-the-counter item to a customer—like Emergency Contraception or condoms—they’re required to find another associate who is willing to sell the item. But since some Rite Aids only employ one pharmacist, honoring an employee’s objection to filling doctor-prescribed medication is a little trickier. In that case, the pharmacist is required to contact the closest Rite Aid to dispense the medication. In either case, the associate must offer to order the item or pick it up at another Rite Aid location and deliver it back to the customer’s preferred Rite Aid location. In the case that no other local Rite Aid pharmacist will dispense it—a last-resort scenario that Slavinsky calls “unlikely”—the employee is required to find the nearest competitor that will fill the customer’s need, and to follow through until that need is met.

The prescription policy is not unlike that of similar sprawling drugstore chains. But over the counter, Rite Aid's contraception access differs from Washington's other major chain, CVS, in one subtle way. CVS places its condoms (and other sexual helpers) behind a case and in front of its pharmacy counter. Rite Aid’s selection is more discrete—tucked into an aisle and outside the range of a pharmacist’s stare. Customers still must alert an employee to remove the packs of condoms from the shelf—they’re secured there with small, plastic locks—but at least one may peruse his options privately before informing a staffer that he intends to become ribbed for her pleasure.

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Mt. Pleasant Pharmacy, 3169 Mount Pleasant St. NW.

Mount Pleasant Pharmacy offers up copies, keys, passports, faxes, and a wheel of sunglasses in addition to its standard arsenal of prescription drugs. The contraceptive options here are similarly comprehensive. Though this 25-year-old independent outfit can double as a local dude hang-out, pharmacist Tony Majeed has got women’s health covered. Majeed says he’d “love to see the D.C. government subsidize women’s health products,” from birth control to over-the-counter anti-fungals. Until then, he’s got all forms of female contraception in stock—pill, patch, ring, and Plan B—behind his counter.

In the past quarter-century, Majeed has seen gentrification force out a number of local independent pharmacies, so he’s quick to note the upsides of fulfilling your women’s health needs at a non-chain outfit. Though the head pharmacist himself doesn’t speak Spanish, his seven employees are bilingual, and prescriptions can be translated on demand. But no matter the language on the pill bottle, prescriptions remain private. “We don’t sell our information to anybody,” says the pharmacist, who suggests that with the chains, you never know if your Valtrex prescription will end up falling into “that deep black hole of medical information” shared on national databases. Over-the-counter contraception options at this neighborhood pharmacy are more private, too. No locksmith necessary here—customers can peruse the shop’s condom choices freely without asking a sales rep to come fumble with a glass case or plastic lock.

Majeed says his shop also seeks to free up the financial burden of women’s healthcare. Customers without health insurance can still find oral contraception on Mount Pleasant Street for 20 to 60 dollars, prices the pharmacist says he doesn’t mark up more than a couple bucks. But Majeed admits that low-profit birth control prices are pretty standard across the industry, which is why some pharmacies can refuse to sell it without suffering economic harm. “They can do that B.S. because they’re not taking a big loss,” says Majeed, who adds that pro-life pharmacies can lose out in the long run. “Women are good customers,” says Majeed.

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Wellington Pharmacy, 1160 Varnum St. NE

Wellington Pharmacy is affiliated with Providence Hospital, which is affiliated with the Roman Catholic Church, which is affiliated with a God who isn’t too hot on contraception. Wellington acknowledges that birth control pills are sometimes prescribed to treat conditions other than the condition of wanting to have baby-less sex, Wellington declines to fill those prescriptions, too. “At the pharmacy, we cannot determine the purpose for why a person has a prescription for birth control. Because we follow the Catholic ethical and religious directions, we don’t offer it,” says Stephanie Hertzog, director of public relations for Providence Hospital. Providence does, however, stock Viagra. “Viagra is actually prescribed for both erectile dysfunction and pulmonary hypertension,” says Hertzog. In this case, that double use benefits a double standard. “It’s a relationship between a person and their physician,” she says about the Viagra prescription. “There are a few uses for it, and they don’t ask which one.”

KNOCK-UP RISK: “Immaculate conception” imminent.

I am the only customer inside Chantilly's Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy on Halloween morning, and I'm not buying. A week earlier, the pro-life outfit was blessed by a bishop, sprinkled with holy water, and courted by the national press in preparation for its Oct. 21 grand opening. Right now, it's hard up for any man off the street.

Robert Semler, pharmacist and manager, sits behind a partition separating his pharmacy from the rest of the small shop. Up front, the pharmacy's face is Pam Semler's, a nurse and pharmacist's wife whose soft features are framed by a thick blond fringe and a pair of round glasses. She is the pharmacy's sole staff member and, as a condition of employment, must "accept the moral teachings of the Roman Catholic Church." Divine Mercy Care executive director Bob Laird explains later, over the phone, that means "treating every person who comes in as if they are Christ sitting across from you." It also means that all employees must be pro-life.

As Pam bids me good morning, I break it to her that I'm not a customer. Pam hedges my first question—"business has been fine"—before deferring all other inquiries to a glossy DMC Pharmacy brochure, which provides corporate contact info along with a brief biography of Robert Semler, who does not emerge during my visit. Semler is a "long standing member of Pharmacists for Life International" whose "pro-life beliefs were solidified after hearing Fr. Frank Pavone of Priests for Life stating for Christ, 'Either you are with Me or against Me,'" the brochure reads.

I sense that Pam already knows which side of the divide I'm on as she gives me the OK to peruse the products that sit in her immaculate shop. She shuffles quietly behind me as Semler announces housekeeping tasks and indulges Pam's small talk.

"Metamucil comes in a pink lemonade flavor now," says Pam. "Imagine that."

"No, I can't," her husband replies from behind the partition.

"Sounds pretty unappetizing."

"Yes."

At an upcoming Divine Mercy Care fundraising gala, "Platinum Sponsors" who donate more than $10,000 may elect to sit at a table with Semler and his spouse. Fundraising is a significant component of the income of the DMC, which also administers a pro-life OB-GYN clinic, Fairfax's Tepeyac Family Center.

Laird says the low foot traffic is to be expected of any startup. "We're expecting the pharmacy to start slow, but we believe it will be a financial success," he says. "If we didn't expect it to be a success, we wouldn't have done it."

I spend my own audience with the Semlers in silence as I take stock of the Catholic-prepped shelves, carefully arranged with medical accoutrements (no candy, batteries, or magazines here). Many are targeted toward women—Dr. Scholl's For Her Comfort Insoles, Midol Teen Formula, Vagisil Talc-Free Deodorant Powder. A small waiting area is stocked with two white wicker chairs and a pile of Taste of Home magazines, along with a basket of blank index cards "for recipes." The female-oriented atmosphere glosses over one glaring omission: The pharmacy will not stock birth control pills or emergency contraception.

Instead, Divine Mercy Care provides its own brand of medical choice. Atop a stack of leaflets about herbal supplements sits a fact-sheet for the Doctor's Natural Therapy brand of Natural Hormone Balancing Creams. The creams, made of "Natural USP Progesterone from wild yam," offer up a natural alternative to the therapeutic effects of oral contraception and hormone replacement therapy. "Have you experienced any of these symptoms?" the fact sheet asks before listing 21 problems the ointment resolves: PMS, Hot Flashes, Irregular Menstruation, Cramping, Mood Swings, Hormone-Related Headaches, Fatigue, Irritability, Anxiety, Weight Gain, Water Retention, Confusion, Breast Tenderness, Miscarriages, Infertility, Decreased Libido, Dryness, Bone Loss, Hair Loss, Insomnia, Premature Aging.

I pause briefly at "Confusion" and wonder how the wild yam came to hold the key to curing all symptoms that ail my gender.

But Divine Mercy Care stocks a stronger alternative to birth control: information. Near the exit sits a stack of "Art of Natural Family Planning" student guides distributed by pro-life group Couple to Couple League International. I leaf through a copy as I sit on a wicker chair, waiting for another customer to arrive to provide sound bites explaining the pro-life pharmacy phenomenon. "How does contraception availability compromise your trust in a pharmacist?" I want to ask. "What role does holy water play in your choice of pharmacy?"

But the book provides more insight into the space where anti-contraceptive morality meets reality: The tutorial describes, in minute detail, the "natural" processes by which couples may have sex while avoiding pregnancy-and still adhering to the teachings of the Catholic Church. Natural Family Planning involves eschewing condoms, oral contraceptives, and the withdrawal method in favor of close watch of the woman's fertility cycle, achieved by monitoring her shifts in temperature and cataloging monthly changes to her vagina, from mucus elasticity to cervix hardness. Laird says that natural family planning helps couples continue "the marital act," "something that takes place between a man and a woman vaginally, naturally." A typical requirement for the "marital act" reads like the positioning of troops for battle: "Three normal post-peak temperatures in a rising pattern above the LTL AND the third temperature at or above the HTL OR the cervix closed and hard for three days."

The guide's moral justification for this process is more difficult to parse, with reasoning ranging from "providence" to "aesthetics." "It is God who in His providence has allowed us to learn in the late 20th century about woman's alternating fertility and infertility-and about Natural Family Planning-at the same time that other medical advances greatly increased the population survival rate," Couple to Couple explains before detailing a more compelling argument-the sex is better, too. "Contraceptive condoms (male or female), sponges, diaphragms and foams have definite problems in the area of 'aesthetics'-many couples find them downright unpleasant, and they interfere with spontaneity."

I weigh the difference between wild yam extract and estrogen, barrier methods and calculated infertile sex, "sex for pleasure" and "family planning," and wish I could find a customer to help explain her preferences. I consider the fact that on Halloween, even the staunchest pro-life customer might be moved to skip across the street to the CVS, where Kit Kats are stocked alongside condoms. Before I leave, I wonder if I can justify expensing the $24.95 book for further study. Instead, I settle on a companion piece, the "Art of Natural Family Planning Chart Booklet" ($2). I approach Pam for the sale.

"Are you going to use it?" she asks, hesitating to go back behind the counter to ring up my purchase.
Of course I'm not going to use it, I think. I'm going to skim over it, extract its detail, and use it to color my essay on your place of business.

"They're paired with the books, and we only have a limited number," Pam explains, still not making the move behind the counter. Her husband sits silent behind the partition. I eye the large stack of charts by the door, which has not opened since my arrival. "So you're not going to sell it to me?"

Pam doesn't answer me, just sighs, moves behind the counter, and punches in the data. I stand in silence for several minutes as Pam moves through the arduous sale; the item's ID number, 123-456, doesn't register correctly in the pharmacy's system. Pam follows a dozen curt orders from her husband before dialing a number on the telephone for outside help. I offer to pay for the booklet without a receipt.

At last I leave with booklet in hand. Within it are hundreds of tidy checkable boxes for tracking one's "coitus record" and "mucus sensations."

Photo by Gnarles Monkey.

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Tschiffely Pharmacy, 1330 Connecticut Ave. NW.

A call to quaint Dupont Circle outfit Tschiffely Pharmacy, provider of prescription drugs and curios, produces mixed results. The pharmacist on hand says Tschiffely fills birth control pills and provides Plan B over the counter. When asked if he has emergency contraception in stock, though, he wavers. “No, I don’t know if—I’m not going to answer that,” he says, before telling me to call back as a customer to get a clearer answer. When I visit the store a few days later, on a Friday morning, Plan B is in-stock and ready to go. Abortion pills, though, go unstocked on purpose. “I can definitely tell you I don’t have that,” the pharmacist says. So far, no customer with a prescription has tested Tschiffely. “That we haven’t discussed between our stores yet,” he says.

KNOCK-UP RISK: No comment.

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Planned Parenthood's Schumacher Health Center, 1108 16th St. NW.

This 16th St. clinic, a stone's throw from the White House, is the area's leading source for affordable women's health care, birth control, and abortion services. For the same reasons, the center falls victim to the largest unofficial barrier to contraception access: The "sidewalk helper."

Roshan Anthonypillai, who fills a weekday 8 to 9 a.m. shift at the clinic, is dedicated to helping women who come to Planned Parenthood seeking to terminate their pregnancies. But Anthonypillai works as a different sort of abortion counselor; he is a representative of "40 Days For for Life," a national anti-abortion campaign that has organized activists in 170 cities to hold vigil outside abortion clinics from Sept. 24 through Nov. 2 this year. Every day before work, Anthonypillai stands on the sidewalk outside the clinic, holding rosary beads and guarding a few trinkets arranged at the trunk of a tree: a small makeshift crucifix and a paper bag luminary adorned with a red cross.

"By standing here, I think I've convinced two to three women not to have an abortion," says Anthonypillai, a 35-year-old Ashburn resident and a Catholic. Volunteers report those numbers back to 40 Days, which keeps a tally of saved lives; the campaign claims to have stopped as many as 268 abortions nationwide this year. Many more women, Anthonypillai says, have made the wrong choice. "Every young woman that I've seen, personally, coming in here, is coming to get an abortion," he says of the clinic, which also offers gynecological exams, STD testing, and birth control. The clinic, meanwhile, keeps tabs on people like Anthonypillai: It staffs escorts to shield patients from protesters and sends visitors through a metal detector before letting them into the waiting room, where no cell phone use is permitted.

A little after 9 a.m. brings the changing of the abortion clinic guard; Anthonypillai hands off duties to Sarah Smith Bartel, a Hyattsville graduate student who arrives with her two daughters, Clare, 4, and Kate, 2. The girls take turns sipping from a thermos of hot chocolate as their mother explains her position. I'm trying to offer these women the right choice, one that recognizes the true femininity and essence of womanhood," says Smith Bartel. "And, of course, preserves the life of the unborn child." But though Anthonypillai is happy to head off to work, he says he has no plans to suspend the vigil come Election Day. "I'll still be here, praying," he says.

KNOCK-UP RISK: Depends on the shift.

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Grubbs Care Pharmacy, 326 E. Capitol St. NE

This neighborhood Capitol Hill pharmacy, run by owner-pharmacist Michael Kim, stocks the whole shebang—birth control, emergency contraception, and the abortion pill. Plan B even comes a bit cheaper here than at your corner CVS, at $41 to CVS' $50. Abortion-inducing medication is available with a prescription and in-stock; a call to the pharmacy last week found that it will order the pill, and carries Misoprostol, a drug that is approved by the FDA for gastric ulcer treatment, but which can be prescribed off-label for use as an abortifacient.

KNOCK-UP RISK: Capitol Hill trysts that begin loudly at Tunnicliffís may end, discretely, at Grubbs.

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Foer’s Pharmacy, 818 18th S. NW.

Just blocks away from the sexually promiscuous real estate of the George Washington University, Foer’s Pharmacy is in the position to make bank off baby prevention. And though Foer’s displays strange bra-and-stocking-clad mannequins in its front window, its contraception options are less exciting. A Foer’s rep says the pharmacy fills birth control prescriptions and stocks Plan B over the counter. But if preventive measures fail, coeds looking to abort should look elsewhere: Prescriptions for abortion pills will not be filled, said the staffer.

KNOCK-UP RISK: Better start saving for their 529’s, just in case.

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CVS, 1702 Columbia Rd. NW (and various).

This D.C.-dominating chain addresses the birth control question as it does all things: with impatient efficiency. “Yes, yes, yes,” said the pharmacist on call at CVS’ Adams Morgan location when asked about birth control, emergency contraception, and abortion pills. Plan B will run you up to $50; abortion pills such as Mifeprex, which induces contractions to terminate pregnancy, are available with a prescription but could take a few days to stock if not currently on shelves. Condoms, 48 varieties of them, are offered up like vending machine candy bars: Push button, pull lever, remove product.

Mike DeAngelis, public relations director for CVS, explains the chain has a “policy to fill prescriptions for all legally prescribed medications,” including birth control and emergency contraception. (Though the FDA approved over-the-counter sale of emergency contraception in 2006, a prescription is still needed for patients under 18 years old). However, Joe Pharmacist can opt out of filling your pill prescription. “Under federal law and some state laws, we must also accommodate a religious conviction that may prevent a pharmacist from dispensing a medication,” DeAngelis says. Under that circumstance, however, “other arrangements can be made in advance to ensure the customer’s prescription needs can be satisfied.”

KNOCK-UP RISK: Low, low, low. Next.

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Cathedral Pharmacy, 3000 Connecticut Ave. NW.

If the name weren’t enough to tip you off, lead pharmacist Paul Beringer is happy to let you in on Cathedral Pharmacy’s contraception policy: “Depends.” Beringer says he fills birth control prescriptions “sometimes,” according to “the pharmacist’s discretion.” In Beringer’s 46 years at Cathedral Pharmacy, he’s had to use a lot of discretion. “You know, if a 14-year-old kid comes in, I don’t think I would fill the prescription,” he says. “If it was a legitimate prescription, yes. But if it looked in any way shady, no.” But emergency contraception—a pregnancy prevention pill taken after sex that is also known as “Plan B”—isn’t left to circumstance. “I consider it abortion, and I’m pro-life,” explains Beringer, who says his emergency contraception discretion extends to all pharmacists at Cathedral. “They follow my instructions,” Beringer says. “We don’t even stock it.”

KNOCK-UP RISK: Sex will lead to pregnancy, sometimes.

Tomorrow, a new Sexist project debuts: "Capitol Pill." Capitol Pill surveys local pharmacies about their availability of birth control, emergency contraception, and the abortion pill, then charts them on a map of the District. In each installment, I'll highlight a new pharmacy and rate it based on its friendliness toward providing contraception.

The project was inspired by last week's grand opening of the the Divine Mercy Care Pharmacy, a Catholic-run outfit in Chantilly, Va. that offers natural family planning primers in place of condoms, birth control, and pornography. With the opening of the new pharmacy, Chantilly joined six other cities recommended by Pharmacists for Life International, including the yokel meccas of Hialeah, Fla., Richmond, Ind., and Superior, Neb. But I've found that drug-seekers looking to support a culture of life needn’t travel to Chantilly to be denied their one-a-day pills. Even though godless, liberal Washington, D.C., is a center of pro-choice activity, its local pharmacy offerings don’t always jibe with legislation.

Stay tuned to find if your local pharmacy will dispense moral posturing in place of the patch, neglect to stock emergency contraception in time to stave off conception, or shudder at the sight of your abortion pill prescription.

If you have any suggestions for additional pharmacies to look into, please drop me a line in the comments.

The executive director of Divine Mercy Care, Robert Laird, notes that the absent items won't affect the DMC's mission of “Bringing the Healing Presence of Christ through Healthcare” because, well, "Birth control is not health care." Cigarettes and porn mags: also not health care.

Laird added that the pharmacy will be "catering to a special niche of people who like the pro-life message in their business." Laird says the DMC will neither fill a birth control prescription nor direct customers to another pharmacy that might help them.

The Post wrote its own story about the pharmacy back in June.