Michigan family lawyer Ryan Hill is so morally outraged by extramarital affair dating website Ashley Madison that he launched the "My Marriage Matters" campaign—and shot this awkward television spot—to bring the cheating service down. The result: Schmaltzy piano, sexy infidelity shots, and Hill doing the Bill Clinton thumb-gesture in front of a waving American flag. Vote Ryan Hill for Dude With A Website That's Against That Other Website, I guess? He's also currently asking 1,000,000 people to sign his petition against people who support cheating. [Thanks to Kay for the tip].

During her tenure as the first First Lady of the United States of America, Martha Dandridge Custis Washington confided in a letter to her niece: "I think I am more like a state prisoner than anything else," she wrote. "There is certain bounds set for me which I must not depart from."

In other words, the role of First Lady has forever sucketh. Women betrothed to U.S. presidents are condemned to years of toil marked by incessant smiling, benign public service initiatives, and publicized bakery. Laura Welch Bush, America's most recent graduate of the First Ladies club, was forced to refrain from publicly not hating gay people, instead sharing her opinion that Reading Is Fundamental and—according to Curtis Sittenfeld's novelized version of her life, "American Wife"—receiving glorious head!

In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown talk about being forced to imagine George W. Bush uttering the words "luscious breasts," our Human Rights dealbreakers, and the role of the First Gentleman of the future.

SADY: HELLO! Sorry, I went out to buy cigarettes and coffee. Which are what I subsist on, at this sad point in my life.

AMANDA: That's OK! I was confined for eight years in an ideological prison of my husband's making.

SADY: I hear that can be difficult! Yet readily novelizable, by Curtis Sittenfeld. Who will do a weirdly precognitive job, actually! FULL CONFESSION: I read both "Spoken from the Heart," the Hallmarkianly titled memoir of Laura Bush, and "American Wife," the Curtis Sittenfeld novel-as-memoir-of-Laura-Bush, in a 24-hour time period. I may actually morph into Laura Bush at any moment now. SHE'S IN MY HEADDDDD.

AMANDA: OK I haven't read either of them. But I have been watching videos of her public appearances in conjunction with her book release. And it's been a really strange book tour for Laura, yeah? "I am forever haunted by the boy's life I took in a traffic accident ... also, gay people are fine."

SADY: Haha, YEAH. Which, like: Sittenfeld actually predicted both of those things, in her (very good) book! Which ends with Maura Mush/"Alice Blackwell" taking a public — and shocking! — stand against her husband's policies. Which creeped me the hell out, when I had striven to meet my deadline and turned in an article that was like, "but also, Laura Bush REALLY DOESN'T think gay people are fine," and then saw the King interview and e-mailed my editor all "OH FUCK DON'T PUBLISH THAT OKAY."

AMANDA: STOP THE PRESSES, LAURA BUSH NOW PUBLICLY DOES NOT HATE GAY PEOPLE.

SADY: But the thing is, this was sort of predictable. For years, she's been making these really subtle pro-choice, pro-gay statements. But she waited until her husband was out of power to actually SAY this stuff.

AMANDA: Right. When he was president she was just like, "let me focus on my interest in librarianism for the next eight years."

SADY: Right. "Books are good! Also, heart attacks are bad! Be nice to children! Such are my public positions!"

AMANDA: Meanwhile, Michelle Obama is focusing on her interest in ending childhood obesity. First ladies have been getting the least controversial issues possible lately.

SADY: Yeah. Well, I mean, I think people of our age are spoiled, because we grew up with Hillary. Who was actually, you know, interested in politics, and was portrayed as a demon succubus who controlled her husband via brain implant for that very reason. First Ladies in general are supposed to be like, the softer side of the most militarily equipped nation in the world. So they're expected to take really feminized, feminine causes, like schooling and children and breast cancer and puppies and rainbows and sunshine and, I dunno, fighting the War on Inadequate Dinner Parties, or something.

AMANDA: Yeah. And I think that, as much as some people still cling to their irrational hatred of Hillary, the vitriol really reached his peak when she was First Lady. I think that some people are more comfortable just seeing a woman like her, as weird as this is, as Secretary of State than having to recognize that women like her are also mothers and wives. They didn't want to see their America's Number One Wife be a wife who was also, you know, a person. It really is a thankless job. If you're the wife of a president, you have to devote your whole life to being his compliment, but you can't be a compliment who is too independent or intellectually-minded, or too involved in the actual business of the presidency. You have to be a full-time compliment who is just available full-time to be ... available full-time. To bake cookies and wear nice clothes and raise kids and smile a lot and make soft, feminine proclamations about soft, feminine social issues. If I were Laura Bush, I would have like brought a megaphone to Obama's inauguration and been like, "Fuck this noise, gay people alright! Also abortions!" I don't know how they can stand it.

SADY: Well, I mean: The thing is, Laura Bush reportedly didn't even WANT her husband to be a politician in the first place. Let alone PRESIDENT. She was apparently pretty unhappy about it. And, you know, if I were cool with gay people and abortions, and my husband were George W. Bush, and he were like, "you know what I want to do? Be in a position to influence national policy on these matters," I would be... "unhappy" is probably the mildest way you would put it. But the fact that she committed herself to this shit for eight years, even though for those eight years most of her statements were to the effect of, "I have no opinions. Anyone want a cookie? Because I bake those," is, like... TROUBLING, to me.

AMANDA: It's scary.

SADY: I mean, I could date someone if I thought their taste in music occasionally sucked. I could date someone if they wore unflattering jeans. I would have a PROBLEM dating someone if we disagreed on the issues of, like, Human Rights, and whether Humans who were gay and/or ladies deserved said Rights. That would probably be a dealbreaker! For me! Is all I am saying!

AMANDA: Or, to go further: That you disagree on issues of basic human rights, and that in order to remain in a relationship with this person you would have to recuse yourself of having any opinion on the matter and defer silently to your husband's ass-backwards ideas.

SADY: Right. That's the thing. Because Laura Bush was continually deployed, during her husband's administration, as a PR tool. She gave a radio address that he was originally scheduled to make! She was sent out to calm people down! People just LIKED her more, and as the administration went on, they liked her more and him less (and less, and LESS) and now, they're both writing memoirs, but hers goes out first. And it has the most nice-lady title in the history of the world. Spoken From the Heart! For Gods' sakes! And, I mean, the thing is, she was actually in a position to talk about this for all this time, and didn't. So now, even though she's all, "so, anyway, 9/11 was really scary and also let's not outlaw abortions," I really question her decision not to utilize that influence at the time.

AMANDA: Hahaha. I mean, it was sort of always an open secret that Laura Bush was a democrat. And I actually wonder how much of that was part of the PR ruse. Like, "Look at this democratic woman submitting to my batshit ideas! You can do it too, America!" It added to her image as A Good Wife.

SADY: Hahaha. "Look, she's not throwing herself off the White House balcony, and we probably even have SEX with each other, still!" Which: Can I tell you, in an unrelated note, I was sharing lines from and summaries of the sex scenes in "American Wife" with people all day long?

AMANDA: Oooh give me one!

SADY: People would be like, "so how's your day going?" And I would be like, "the George W. Bush guy in 'American Wife' says the following line: 'You're this goddess with these amazing, luscious breasts.'" Also, we have, "how could he be an unscrupulous politician with such a cute little butt?" Which, like: EASILY, it turns out!

AMANDA: UG! BRAIN CLEANSE

SADY: It's a really good book, though. There's a scene of the Laura-Bushesque heroine self-Googling that will make you question your life. And also, some cunnilingus!

AMANDA: Good for Laura! Jesus Christ! You know she read that, too! Fuck, how depressing. I hope to never have to read a work of fiction speculating as to how I have sex with my husband. And for that reason, I will not marry a President.

SADY: Yeah. I kind of like how the novel tries to provide the answer to the question of "how does she put up with him?" And the answers are, (a) money, (b) lack of options, and (c) he gives really good head. I find that actually pretty relatable! However, I kind of find it unlikely that I myself would marry a President, for the above-stated reasons. No matter HOW luscious he thinks my breasts are. I think that there's this whole routine of self-erasure that a lady is supposed to undergo, if her husband gets a case of the Presidents, that means she has to start being a woman and start being a Lady. The First Lady, in fact! And I cannot see me ever doing that. Unless my husband ran on an "every day is Sady's birthday" platform. To which I could easily lend my support!

AMANDA: No. No. But perhaps sometimes it just sneaks up on you, First Ladiness, and though you could never imagine in your wildest dreams that George W. Bush would ever, ever, ever become president, there he is! President! And you, First Lady! And it's kind of like you just became Queen or something, and there's kind of a lot of pressure for you not to fuck it up.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, I can't imagine that anyone, six weeks after meeting George W. Bush (WHICH IS WHEN THEY GOT ENGAGED, BTW) would be like, "this guy is President material!" And, I mean, I'm sympathetic to that, to a certain degree. If your dude is dead set on a political career, and you don't agree with his politics, and he manages to succeed to an alarming degree, you are in a really bad situation. Because, honestly, his administration just spent years slowly and steadily collapsing. At a certain point, disagreeing with him had to seem disloyal; like, it would no doubt be reported as, "everyone in the entire world thinks George W. Bush is a fuck-up, including his wife."

AMANDA: Right. I mean, perhaps Laura didn't want George to get into politics for the same reason that, like, everyone else did, which is that he's a total disaster on that front. But you can't say that. Even after the presidency is over, she still isn't saying that.

SADY: Yeah. And, I mean, I'm trying not to engage in petty left-wing schadenfreude over this. And she spends — in this memoir that I have read, which I apologize for overburdening this chat with details of — SO. MUCH. TIME defending his stupider foreign policy decisions, and him, and trying to paint an appealing picture of the man. But it's pretty clear now that her whole unconditionally supportive and agreeable Nice Lady Act was... an act. It lasted as long as it took for his term to end, and for her to bang out a memoir, and then she was just like, "okay. So here's what I ACTUALLY think. Because, SPOILER ALERT, I am a person, and think things." I just... people loved that woman. Loved her! Even if they didn't love her husband! And I really wish she'd cashed in on that love to stand up for the right thing, at some point.

AMANDA: And it's good that at some point they're allowed to deconstruct the First Lady thing a bit, and recognize that it's all make-believe. But it doesn't stop us from expecting the same shit of the next lady. Proposed solution: Make it not a lady next time?

SADY: Right! Make it a lady with a First Gentleman. Or, potentially, a Gentleman with a First Other Gentleman! That would be fun! "Our Gentlemanly duties include: Not putting up with your bullshit, bowling."

AMANDA: I will be liveblogging the whole thing, I'm sure.

SADY: I will be writing a novel. Mine will not be as good as Sittenfeld's, I'm pretty sure. But, on the plus side, the First Gentleman will fight way more dragons!

AMANDA: "I Stayed For The Blow Jobs: The First Gentleman's Story"

Martha Washington image via Wikipedia Commons

Wondering why anyone would buy the "Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set," which includes a corkscrew in the likeness of Bill Clinton and a nutcracker made in the image of Hillary Clinton? Same!

"Novelty kitchen tool set includes Hillary Clinton nutcracker and Bill Clinton corkscrew," the product description on Overstock.com reads. "Corkscrew and nutcracker make a great gag gift . . . Political novelty kitchen tools are functional and humorous." Functional? Humorous? Go on.

It's pretty obvious (though still crass) what the basis of the Bill-Clinton-corkscrew joke is. The corkscrew is placed where Clinton's penis would be, and it's public record that Clinton utilized his penis on a variety of jobs while in office. Plus—corkscrew. Not enough for you? Don't worry—the folks at Overstock.com aren't ones to sit on this pun goldmine. They take the Clinton penis joke and run with it. From the product description:

• Novelty corkscrew lets you pop your cork with Bill Clinton's spirited talent
• Strategically placed corkscrew adds a twist to post-Presidency employment
• Wine and bar tool makes a great gag gift for anyone, no matter where they land on the political spectrum
• Durable 9.5-inch novelty corkscrew is made of heavy plastic and metal
• You'll never have more fun opening a bottle of wine
• Could create pinot envy
• Gives new meaning to the term wine lover
• The new action hero for wine drinkers
• Adds amusement to any dinner party
• Looks cute standing next to your Hillary Nutcracker

It makes sense that Overstock.com would slide in some cork, tool and even pinot jokes alongside actual product information like "durable 9.5-inch novelty corkscrew is made of heavy plastic and metal." After all, potential buyers need to know not only how their novelty corkscrew works, but also why it's funny. The whole point of the Bill Clinton Corkscrew is that you get the joke. (Which is: penis!).

But how about the Hillary Nutcracker? Where are the funnies behind that one? Here's the product description:

• Laughs will abound with this novelty Hillary Clinton nutcracker
• The Hillary Clinton nutcracker will crack smiles and nuts with stainless steel teeth secured in the upper legs
• Collectible that will be remembered for years to come
• Hillary Clinton Nutcracker stands upright and has internal stainless steel components and spring
• Not recommended for the dishwasher or children under 12 years of age.
• Weight: approx. 9 oz.

That's the best you can do? Let's see: The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker will make you laugh, smile, and remember, and you can put it in the dishwasher. Why no ball-buster jokes?

Maybe it's because actually explaining why it's appropriate to feature Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as a "nutcracker" would force Overstock.com to realize that it's not really appropriate to feature the Secretary of State as a woman who is totally oppressing the male genitalia. Here's how the more explicit product information might read:

• Laughs will abound with this novelty Hillary Clinton nutcracker that's sure to delight every patriotic nut-lover who is still upset that Hillary Clinton refused to spend eight years baking America cookies in the White House kitchen.
• The Hillary Clinton nutcracker will crack smiles and nuts with stainless steel teeth secured in the upper legs of a woman who speaks before she's spoken to.
• Collectible that will be remembered for years to come as a reminder of what happens to women who try to secure jobs previously reserved for men.
• Hillary Clinton Nutcracker stands upright, because that bitch just refuses to sit down and shut up!
• Not recommended for the dishwasher, which will ensure that your wife will be forced to spend even more time doing the dishes! Make sure to slap her on the ass for hand-washing your hilarious Hillary Clinton Nutcracker.

But my mom (who sent me the Overstock link) has got another theory: maybe it's "because Hillary is so obviously a ball breaker they felt they didn't need to explain."

What if Bill Clinton had openly announced, as he later did to his biographer, that Al Gore was "blowing" the 2000 election by refusing to allow Clinton to campaign for him? Maybe George W. Bush would never be president!

What if Bush had openly announced, as he did privately to his speech-writer, that his "heart was never into" banning gay marriage? Maybe gay people could be married!

And what if Richard Nixon had openly announced, as he did to his Oval Office tapes, that he thought abortion was okay "when you have a black and a white"? Maybe . . . Barack Obama's mom would have aborted him, and "the world’s most famous mixed-race man" would never have even existed!

Wait, what?

It sure is fun to "wonder." But pretending to pinpoint the precise political conditions that would have convinced a dead woman to have aborted her pregnancy 48 years ago instead of carry it to term is both dishonest and offensive.

Even if Nixon had announced that interracial couples would be free to abort their fetuses with impunity, why would that have convinced a white woman in a relationship with a black man to do such a thing? Why would anyone have cared what Richard Nixon thought, anyway? When Barack Obama was in the womb, Richard Nixon was already a lame-duck Vice President. And Nixon didn't record his thoughts on interracial abortions until 1973, when Barack Obama was 12 years old. What is Egan even talking about?

The larger question is: why are commentators so quick to assume that Obama's mother would have been interested in having an abortion at all, under any circumstances, ever?

Egan isn't the first to jump down the rabbit-hole of Obama's non-abortion history. In July, Republican Kansas Rep. Todd Tiahrt suggested that if Barack Obama's mother had been offered "financial incentives" to have an abortion, then Obama may have been aborted and we would never have had a president who supported abortion. Wrap your mind around that one, liberals!

The speculation over Obama's mother's what-if-abortion is not a fun exercise in how even the smallest actions decisions can affect human history. It is, however, obviously racist (in his anti-abortion screed, Tiahrt also wondered aloud whether Clarence Thomas would have been aborted), and patently anti-choice.

Obama's mother isn't around to say, "I never would have had an abortion," or, "I would have had an abortion if I could have afforded it," or, "I would have had an abortion if Richard Nixon had been president over a decade before he was actually president, and had broadcast his racist Oval Office tapes over the radio in my first trimester." This doesn't seem to matter to the "What if" abortion set. When these commentators claim to know whether a dead lady they've never met would have had an abortion half a century ago, and why, they are saying that the mother's opinion is unimportant to the discussion of abortion. They are robbing her of her ability to choose. In this case, commentators are posthumously robbing Obama's mother of her ability to choose an abortion she never had, which just goes to show how seriously they take the whole "choice" thing.

Today, Post media columnist Howard Kurtz tackled the popular outcry over the Washington City Paper's Marion Barry "You Put Me Out In Denver 'Cause I Wouldn't Suck Your Dick" cover line. Some readers, Kurtz wrote, found the headline's final "three-word phrase" vulgar, obscene, and even racist. The Post declined to print the phrase, but I'll give you a hint: it ain't "Out in Denver."

Kurtz went on to contextualize CP's stories with a recap of Barry's past highly-publicized sex scandals:

This is, after all, a former mayor who was busted for cocaine possession in 1990 with a woman not his wife—uttering the immortal phrase "Bitch set me up"—and two years later was found to have received oral sex from a female visitor at a Virginia prison (a conclusion he disputed). In the current flap, the Ward 8 lawmaker gave Watts-Brighthaupt a $60,000 council contract while they were dating, then was charged last weekend with stalking her after a fight, although charges have since been dropped.

But the Denver story is, by definition, not another Marion Barry sex scandal. It is a Marion Barry not-sex scandal. The story isn't a quasi-pornographic account of a Councilmember getting his dick sucked by a campaign staffer. It's about what he did to her when she refused to suck his dick.

Here's what Marion Barry did to a campaign staffer when she refused to suck his dick:

“You put me out in Denver ’cause I wouldn’t suck your dick,” Watts-Brighthaupt yelled at Barry, according to a tape recording of the conversation.

Watts-Brighthaupt was referring to an incident that had occurred about 10 months prior, at the Democratic National Convention. At the time, Watts-Brighthaupt was working on Barry’s ultimately successful re-election campaign and traveled to the Barack Obama-crowning affair. For reasons that remain murky, she ended up assigned to the councilmember’s hotel room in the Crowne Plaza hotel. Once behind closed doors, Barry allegedly asked Watts-Brighthaupt to perform oral sex on him. She refused, whereupon Barry threw her clothes out of the room and barred her from coming back in. She slept in the hotel’s parking garage, in a Cadillac Barry had rented.

No, this is not another story about Marion Barry trying to get some, bless his heart (as one commenter wrote, "At least he still has blood rushing through those veins"). This is a story about the misogynistic, abusive behavior of the councilmember from Ward 8. Watts-Brighthaupt's subsequent year-long on-again-off-again fling with Barry—the barefoot casino fights, the crazy voice-mails, the money promised to a woman suffering from the physical and financial strains of her cancer treatment, the arrest for stalking—speaks to a pattern of psychological abuse.

As we all know, an elected official receiving a blow job from a staffer qualifies as news to most media outlets. Shouldn't the way our elected officials treat women—and their employees—be newsworthy to us, as well?

Still think "suck your dick" is vulgar? Obscene? Indecent? Express that sentiment to Marion Barry, and you would be out on your ass, sleeping alone in a Denver parking garage in a rented Cadillac.

Quick Quiz! Sex. What is it, exactly?

A. One step past whatever you were just caught doing with that woman who is not your wife.

B. Anything that two people do together in private when they love each other very much, not including whatever those queers are doing.

C. Whenever the one with a penis has an orgasm.

D. Given the obvious power disparity between men and women in the patriarchy, an implicitly non-consensual act—unless two girls are doing it, but only if two girls are doing it exclusively for their own pleasure and not to satisfy the male interest in two girls doing it.

E. Dancing.

Today, Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I will get to the bottom of this mysterious phenomenon, and figure out why the definition of "sex" is not actually any particular combination of penises, vaginas, anuses, and mouths, but rather a tool for cheaters to pretend they're not cheating and homophobes to pretend they're different from gays. Good morning, by the way!

AMANDA: hi

SADY: why hello!

AMANDA: do you want to talk now?

SADY: yes indeed! first off, i think we should acknowledge that approximately 125,000 celebrities will have died by the time we post this. THE GRIM REAPER HAS COME FOR CELEBRITY

AMANDA: and they never learned the true meaning of sex!

SADY: ah, yes. apparently, americans "can't agree" on it! this is something i could in no way have learned from my own personal life of dating. i define sex as a peanut butter sandwich. is that so wrong?

AMANDA: when involved in a high-profile political scandal, i define sex as "one step past whatever i did with that woman"

SADY: i personally define sex as "anything you can't tell grandma about for fear she might lose her tenuous grip on this mortal coil." but the studies themselves are intriguing!

AMANDA: yeah definitely. i think, though, that they may be lacking in context. like, it's not as important to define what "sex" is as it is to define what we're comfortable with people doing with us or with other people. i feel like defining sex is just inviting loopholes. see: anal sex to keep virginity.

SADY: right, exactly.

AMANDA: and any cheater's excuse about anything

SADY: and many many men's magazine think-pieces about how it's not cheating if it is with a stripper or other sex worker

AMANDA: or in argentina. etc.

SADY: oddly, the men's definitions of sex tend to be more liberal than the ladies', though, as per this particular article! like: forty-four percent of men surveyed said that oral sex was doin' it. only thirty-seven percent of ladies said the same.

AMANDA: yeah, that was a surprise to me. i have a theory on this. it's good.

SADY: i eagerly await it!

AMANDA: ok, so women are socialized to downplay their sexual expertise in order to not appear as— i believe the scientific word is "slutty". and so may tend for the stricter definition in self-reporting. whereas men may want to fudge it a little bit in order to be able to put another notch in the bedpost

SADY: there is actually a long passage in that keith gessen novel ("All The Sad Young Literary Men") that backs up your theory. observe how i move smoothly from actual science to literature! but: the dude is trying to figure out his Number and his List and whatever and is trying to figure out how liberal his definition needs to be. he concludes, if i remember aright, that blowjobs should indeed count in The Number!

AMANDA: sha-wing

SADY: whereas ladies might indeed self-identify as Virgins, a la Dionne in "Clueless" (CINEMA! INTERDISCIPLINARIAN THOUGHT!) had they only, say, given the BJs, or received the Lady BJs. actually, this study is weirdly non-specific about Giving and Receiving of sexual favors.

AMANDA: yeah, i noticed that also. allow me to extend an example from yet another genre, the Hip Hopera.

SADY: please do!

AMANDA: one thing that i've always found is important in these definitions is who is doing the sexing or non-sexing. so, a man could get Very Very mad at his girlfriend kissing another man, while he's out Real Penis Vagina sexing some other woman. and maybe it's not so much men excusing their own behavior while demonizing women, but that, as an individual, you can excuse your own guilt because you know the emotional context, the strength of the temptation, etc. etc. See: R. Kelly's Trapped in the Closet, where everyone is fucking everyone else and they all get PISSED when they find out their significant other has been doing the same thing.

SADY: yes, and yet i feel that (since this article is all about contextualizing "sex" in light of certain political figures putting the Thing in the Places Where You Ought Not To) that there has probably never been a case of someone being cheaterly without KNOWING that they were being a cheaterly cheater. i think you can basically define "cheating" as "that thing you're going to feel really guilty about not telling your wife and/or husband and/or unmarried life partner because you know, for some reason, even if there was no Sexual contact involved by any definition, that you did something they would not like."

AMANDA: totally. i think the rush to define it, in the case of the high-profile cheating, is that the public is just honestly curious about the sexy details. not that we like, want to know what sex is.

SADY: right? especially if they took place in argentina! and involve THE FORBIDDEN PASSIONS that you told everyone you were on the Appalachian Trail to cover up! all of the futzing around, semantically, can be useful only when trying to figure out how the other person involved sees your sexual exchange... but no-one's denying that the exchange was sexual, in that case. the actual interest is kind of in knowing what other people have been up to.

AMANDA: and, in the case of say, gay sex, trying to define them out of the mainstream or out of existence. like, sure, you can put your penis in his butt, but it's not sex, whatever it is you're doing. which i refuse to equate with my penis in vagina business.

SADY: ha, yeah, or sex between women, in which case basically everything outside of a strap-on is relegated to "foreplay." never "duringplay."

AMANDA: UGGGGHHHH i feel myself sliding into the inevitable rant about the supremacy of the male orgasm in the sexual blah de blah and how that's what this is all REALLY about and i can't force myself to do it.

SADY: you sure? i have lots of thoughts about how the penis-in-vagina-as-real-sex thing is totally not good even for couples that have, respectively, penises and vaginas! LOTS OF THOUGHTS I TELL YOU.

AMANDA: save it for another sexist beatdown.

Photo by Mike Licht

Welcome back to “Daily Palin,” in which we detail Sarah Palin’s refusal to go away—every day. The morning news from the biased, liberal, gay, mainstream media:

* WHO WAS THE MEANEST TO SARAH OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MEAN TO SARAH? Andrew Sullivan takes the cake, says John Ziegler. Sez Zieg: "Andrew Sullivan is a guy who should never be allowed back in any remnant of the conservative movement after what he did, just on the Trig 'trutherism' issue. It’s just scandalous. I mean, this guy is still invited on major TV shows after coming forward with, and continuing, the theory that Gov. Palin faked a pregnancy of a Downs Syndrome child even after we found out that the daughter she was allegedly protecting was also pregnant, in a way made it absolutely biologically impossible."

BUMMER: Curt Menard, mayor of Alaska's "Mat-Su Borough"(?), has died. You can thank Dr. Menard, who was also a dentist, for Sarah Palin's teeth, if you like them. Which is what she says at the end of this long, sprawling tribute to the man:

[youtube:v=6yyjhNd409g]

WHY LIBERALS REALLY HATE SARAH PALIN: Clarence Thomas redux. "What’s happening to Michael Steele is what always happens to any conservative who happens to be a minority. Whether it was Clarence Thomas or Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal and now Michael Steele, the liberal establishment simply cannot sit by while minority faces espouse a conservative belief.  It is the most threatening prospect to left wing power: the possibility that women, African Americans, Hispanics, and others would begin to embrace individual liberty rather than government dependency."

FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: Todd Palin gets some advice from Bubba, via Palin family offical news conduit Greta Van Susteren:

"When you break these gender roles there are all these subconscious expectations," [Clinton] said.

"I think the trick is, if you're a husband and the woman is in the political role traditionally identified with men," said Clinton, "the trick is to give support that is unambiguous and clear and to also be there with advice privately, but to do it in a way that doesn’t, in a funny way, make her look weak."

. . . "Whenever you start changing the deck chairs and gender roles and family roles," said Clinton, “you have to be prepared for psychological as well as political sparks to fly, and my advice to [Todd Palin] is to keep that smile, don’t get defensive."

SARAH PALIN: PLEEEEASE BE THE NEXT BLAGO. Now that Kim Elton has been whisked away on a standard-issue Obama administration unicorn to go serve his state in the liberal hell hole of Washington, D.C., Sarah Palin has to find a replacement for him: "Gov. Sarah Palin will make the appointment within 30 days, according to state law. Her appointment must be of a Democrat, and must be approved by the Senate's Democrats." My best wishes go out to the Governor that her appointment will be marred by profanity-filled wire-tapping tapes, or at least involve a protracted and reportedly callous consideration of Caroline Kennedy. Thanks.

Photo by Infrogmation.

* UNSURPRISINGLY: Sarah Palin supports regulations allowing "concealed weapons in national parks and wildlife refuges," reports the News-Miner. In a letter, Palin's office stated that "the possession and use of firearms are critical to urban and rural hunters in Alaska." Urban hunters? I think we have some of those in Washington, D.C., too!

* YOUR FRIDAY BUMMER: "Gov. Palin cuts funding for state veterans cemetery." Sen. Joe Thomas says "he was troubled to see funding still in place for warm storage buildings and other projects instead." What would you have her do, Joe—pry the warm storage buildings from the cold dead hands of Alaskan veterans?

* $18,000: Amount of back-taxes owned by Palin for per diems claimed while living in her own home: "Gov. Sarah Palin must pay back taxes on nearly $18,000 in expenses she charged the state for living in her home outside Anchorage instead of at the state capital, officials said Wednesday." Palin: Now just like the Dems!

* NOW: GIVING FREE FOOD TO OTHERS, TOO? "Governor Sarah Palin is heading to western Alaska tomorrow, to help deliver food to families in Marshall and Russian Mission. The trip is being organized by the faith-based nonprofit Samaritan’s Purse."

* POST-BRISTOL, Greta Van Susteren follows-up with another completely inane interview, this time with Bill Clinton. WJC and GVS talked "stimulus and Hillary's singing, and about Clinton's just-announced initiative to fight childhood obesity, which dovetails with his own experience as a chubby kid." Greta Van Susteren: I cannot watch but I cannot look away!

* PALIN HITS 1600 PENN! She'll be hosted at the White House for the first time since the administration change-over this Sunday for the 2009 Governor's Dinner.

* FIRST DUDE WINTER SPORTS CORNER: The Palins' tax returns reveal the financial deets on Todd Palin's snowmachine "business." According to ABC, "His snow machine racing business grossed $17,000 but home office expenses meant that he claimed a net loss of $10,000." Hey, Todd, I have a "business" I lose money on, too: Casual drinking.

RUINING YOUR PALIN SEX FANTASY: The First Dude. "But even if that unlikely scenario were to occur, it would very quickly be destroyed by the entrance of flannel-wearing, oil-drilling, dog-racing, salmon-fishing testosterone-pumping Northern Man that is Todd Palin. He’d throw his burly frame right through the door without even bothering to check if it’s locked and proceed to kick seven kinds of shit out of me, Alaska-style. So there’s really no good that can come from a night with Palin."

Photo by bryanwright5@rocketmail.com

George Bush instated the rule a little over eight years ago, on the 2001 anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Before him, Bill Clinton had reversed the rule that, before him, Ronald Reagan had thought up for the very first time. The Guardian calls it "the most contentious move of [Obama's] young administration," which isn't saying so much, and really, what could have been more predictable?

Lewinsky's already been cast (Ashley-Rebekah Faulkner is the lucky lady), as has Paula Jones (she's—WTF—playing herself). In addition to Bill, Vovak is also searching for an "Al Gore, Marcia Lewis, Ken Starr, the chief of staff, and Secret Service agents" (Whither Linda Tripp?). If you don't think you have what it takes to step into Bill's coterie, don't worry—the audition alone will be creepy enough to satiate your desire for 90's-era Washington sex stardom:

A room is reserved at the Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City for the audition, where Monica Lewinsky was interrogated by the FBI in 1998. The tentative date is the weekend before inauguration.

So, who are your picks for local Bills?

Photo via the U.S. Federal Government.

* Evil Slutopia finds this sweet Joe Biden cupcake, via my.barackobama.com.

* Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have got nothin' on this lady: She advocated for sexual freedom, wore tons of booty ruffles, and ran for president back when most women couldn't even vote. Plus, she was clairvoyant! NPR's "All Things Considered" looks back at the first female to run for president, Victoria Woodhull.

* Esquire names Halle Berry the "Sexiest Woman Alive" (no quibbles), "re-enacts" famous Bill Clinton cover with Berry sitting in for Bubba (minor quibble: whither the pants, shirt of Clintonian era?)

* Beware the rogue knitted tree trunk. Outsapop names a new trend in the world of craft: Knitgraffiti.

* For some reason, infoplease wants to know which famous politician you'd want to adopt your children if you died: "Which of these political couples would you select as guardians for your child/children in the event something happened to you and your spouse or partner?"

Because in the event of your death, Joe and Jill Biden, John and Cindy McCain, Barack and Michelle Obama, and First Dude and Sarah Palin will definitely not have anything better to do but raise a stranger's children. (Yeah, yeah, you can vote here). Current results:

Barack & Michelle Obama	36%
Todd & Sarah Palin	32%
Joe & Jill Biden	17%
John & Cindy McCain	16%
Total votes cast: 3047