In “Secret Lives of the Presidents,” New York Times writer Timothy Egan airs some private political views of former presidents, and wonders aloud, “What if they had been honest?” Let’s take a look inside Egan’s alternate history:

What if Bill Clinton had openly announced, as he later did to his biographer, that Al Gore was “blowing” the 2000 election by refusing to allow Clinton to campaign for him? Maybe George W. Bush would never be president!

What if Bush had openly announced, as he did privately to his speech-writer, that his “heart was never into” banning gay marriage? Maybe gay people could be married!

And what if Richard Nixon had openly announced, as he did to his Oval Office tapes, that he thought abortion was okay “when you have a black and a white”? Maybe . . . Barack Obama’s mom would have aborted him, and “the world’s most famous mixed-race man” would never have even existed!

Wait, what?

Read More “Could Richard Nixon Have Aborted Barack Obama?” »

Today, Post media columnist Howard Kurtz tackled the popular outcry over the Washington City Paper’s Marion Barry “You Put Me Out In Denver ‘Cause I Wouldn’t Suck Your Dick” cover line. Some readers, Kurtz wrote, found the headline’s final “three-word phrase” vulgar, obscene, and even racist. The Post declined to print the phrase, but I’ll give you a hint: it ain’t “Out in Denver.”

Read More “Why You Should Care About Marion Barry’s Un-Blow-Job” »

Quick Quiz! Sex. What is it, exactly?

A. One step past whatever you were just caught doing with that woman who is not your wife.

B. Anything that two people do together in private when they love each other very much, not including whatever those queers are doing.

C. Whenever the one with a penis has an orgasm.

D. Given the obvious power disparity between men and women in the patriarchy, an implicitly non-consensual act—unless two girls are doing it, but only if two girls are doing it exclusively for their own pleasure and not to satisfy the male interest in two girls doing it.

E. Dancing.

Today, Sady of Tiger Beatdown and I will get to the bottom of this mysterious phenomenon, and figure out why the definition of “sex” is not actually any particular combination of penises, vaginas, anuses, and mouths, but rather a tool for cheaters to pretend they’re not cheating and homophobes to pretend they’re different from gays. Good morning, by the way!

Read More “Sexist Beatdown: Let’s Talk About Sex, Whatever That Is” »

Watch out, Bobby J.: Palin makes an appearance at Mardi Gras

Welcome back to “Daily Palin,” in which we detail Sarah Palin’s refusal to go away—every day. The morning news from the biased, liberal, gay, mainstream media:

* WHO WAS THE MEANEST TO SARAH OF ALL THE PEOPLE WHO WERE MEAN TO SARAH? Andrew Sullivan takes the cake, says John Ziegler. Sez Zieg: “Andrew Sullivan is a guy who should never be allowed back in any remnant of the conservative movement after what he did, just on the Trig ‘trutherism’ issue. It’s just scandalous. I mean, this guy is still invited on major TV shows after coming forward with, and continuing, the theory that Gov. Palin faked a pregnancy of a Downs Syndrome child even after we found out that the daughter she was allegedly protecting was also pregnant, in a way made it absolutely biologically impossible.”

Read More “Daily Palin: Andrew Sullivan Is Mean! Edition” »

* UNSURPRISINGLY: Sarah Palin supports regulations allowing “concealed weapons in national parks and wildlife refuges,” reports the News-Miner. In a letter, Palin’s office stated that “the possession and use of firearms are critical to urban and rural hunters in Alaska.” Urban hunters? I think we have some of those in Washington, D.C., too!

* YOUR FRIDAY BUMMER: “Gov. Palin cuts funding for state veterans cemetery.” Sen. Joe Thomas says “he was troubled to see funding still in place for warm storage buildings and other projects instead.” What would you have her do, Joe—pry the warm storage buildings from the cold dead hands of Alaskan veterans?

Read More “Daily Palin: Urban Hunter Edition” »

And to think, only this morning, Sady over at Tiger Beatdown and I were conversing via Internet about how we weren’t exaaaaaactly sure the entire extent of this “gag rule” we’d heard so much about (among other concerns—could you not say the word “abortion,” internationally?) but that we knew it was dumb and awful. Now Barack Obama has gone ahead and reversed the darn thing, so we get to find out exactly what it meant, now that it’s gone. The Guardian describes the gag rule as “a ban on federal funds to foreign family planning organisations that either offer abortions or provide information or counselling about abortion,” which should clear it up, once you get past the backwards British spellings.

George Bush instated the rule a little over eight years ago, on the 2001 anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Before him, Bill Clinton had reversed the rule that, before him, Ronald Reagan had thought up for the very first time. The Guardian calls it “the most contentious move of [Obama's] young administration,” which isn’t saying so much, and really, what could have been more predictable?

Do you look just like Bill Clinton? Sucks for you, until now, real publication the Washington Business Journal reports! Daniel Vovak is producing a comedy about Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky’s . . . thing, entitled “The Blue Dress.” Mysterious!

Lewinsky’s already been cast (Ashley-Rebekah Faulkner is the lucky lady), as has Paula Jones (she’s—WTF—playing herself). In addition to Bill, Vovak is also searching for an “Al Gore, Marcia Lewis, Ken Starr, the chief of staff, and Secret Service agents” (Whither Linda Tripp?). If you don’t think you have what it takes to step into Bill’s coterie, don’t worry—the audition alone will be creepy enough to satiate your desire for 90’s-era Washington sex stardom:

A room is reserved at the Ritz-Carlton in Pentagon City for the audition, where Monica Lewinsky was interrogated by the FBI in 1998. The tentative date is the weekend before inauguration.

So, who are your picks for local Bills?

Because he can’t not be involved in every seminal public shaming in American history, Kenneth Starr has signed on to defend Prop 8 in California Supreme Court. On Friday, the former airer of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky’s dirty laundry was named lead counsel for the official pro-Prop 8 team. Starr & co. won’t stop at upholding the ban: The Yes on 8 campaign has filed a brief moving to nullify the nearly 20,000 same-sex marriages made official before the law’s passage. No word as to whether Starr will wear his trademark shit-eating grin (right) when the case goes to trial.

Photo via the U.S. Federal Government.

* Evil Slutopia finds this sweet Joe Biden cupcake, via my.barackobama.com.

* Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin have got nothin’ on this lady: She advocated for sexual freedom, wore tons of booty ruffles, and ran for president back when most women couldn’t even vote. Plus, she was clairvoyant! NPR’s “All Things Considered” looks back at the first female to run for president, Victoria Woodhull.

* Esquire names Halle Berry the “Sexiest Woman Alive” (no quibbles), “re-enacts” famous Bill Clinton cover with Berry sitting in for Bubba (minor quibble: whither the pants, shirt of Clintonian era?)

* Beware the rogue knitted tree trunk. Outsapop names a new trend in the world of craft: Knitgraffiti.

* For some reason, infoplease wants to know which famous politician you’d want to adopt your children if you died: “Which of these political couples would you select as guardians for your child/children in the event something happened to you and your spouse or partner?”

Because in the event of your death, Joe and Jill Biden, John and Cindy McCain, Barack and Michelle Obama, and First Dude and Sarah Palin will definitely not have anything better to do but raise a stranger’s children. (Yeah, yeah, you can vote here). Current results:

Barack & Michelle Obama	36%
Todd & Sarah Palin	32%
Joe & Jill Biden	17%
John & Cindy McCain	16%
Total votes cast: 3047