Recently, Sady Doyle discerned the social issue that would define our generation:

The chicks today, they get to do so many things! Why, they can vote, and attend colleges, and even drink and smoke in public! These chicks: An alarming number of them have jobs! And, like, financial autonomy, from the jobs, and hence a socially assured position of power from which to negotiate the terms of their relationships and lives, thereby making them not entirely dependent on the funding and/or goodwill of men for their continued survival and status, and so they’re all able to make decisions and expect fair treatment and … dude, it’s a mess, I tell you. Because it turns out, after like fifty-some years of this business, none of these chicks is impressed enough by your penis!

URGENT MEETING OF THE BACK IN THE GOOD-OLD-DAYS CLUB. In order to combat the disturbing trend of the traditionally masculine heterosexual man not always being the default human in every circumstance anymore, this suddenly marginalized group must band together to . . . create poorly-designed websites and write hack trend pieces on the Internet! Interested? Here's how to fight the good fight. For manliness!

* First order of business: Study the "Retrosexual Code," a hyper-mascline gender identity largely defined by Some Dude's oddly personal hang-ups! (Seriously! Read the code! It is oddly personal!)

* Next up: Stage a "Menaissance," wherein men who are "tired of bending over backward and getting kicked in the balls by a spiked heel" by the "equal rights" movement (Seriously! They put "equal rights" in scare-quotes!) stand up for their rights to turn back the clock to a time when Men were Men . . . back to a Superbowl beer commercial aired just last February, apparently!

* Finally: Sit back, relax, and go out there and play some basketball with the guys! Yeah! Wait, what the fuck? This is what dudes today are fighting for? Be our guest, dudes! You can have pick-up basketball! In the meantime, in this edition of Sexist Beatdown, Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown and I talk about how to learn to solve our problems by DEALING WITH IT like real men do—unless of course the "IT" in question is feminism, in which case DEALING WITH IT involves a whole lot of self-conscious posturing. Join us!

Exhibit B: These Men don't watch TV shows with "Queer" in the title.

SADY: HELLO Let us travel back in time! Retrosexually!

AMANDA: Oh lets! I am excited to kill animals (and also possibly humans! I guess!) in the service of Retrosexualism. But not overly excited, for feelings are for women.

SADY: The Retrosexuals, they don't have feelings! I will tell you what they have, however: A very detailed and complicated system for figuring out who should give up their seat to whom on a public bus. Also, some gender-based insecurities! Lots of those! And a fuzzy and somewhat inaccurate understanding of how awesome things were For The Dudes, back in some unspecified but distinctively non-feminist time period!

AMANDA: Indeed! It seems that in the olden days, even horrific natural disasters couldn't stop the manliest citizens. They just DEALT WITH IT. Not like all those present-day sissies in like, New Orleans? And Haiti? Being a thoroughly modern . . . sexual, I am understandably a bit confused on the finer points of this theory.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, the whole "Retrosexual" thing is just... These are young dudes, I'm thinking. At least, younger than Don Draper would currently be, which is like nine hundred and seventeen years old, or maybe seventy, I am bad at math.

AMANDA: I like the game of predicting the Dude behind the Retrosexual Code!

SADY: They haven't actually experienced the time periods they're romanticizing, is what I'm saying. They don't know what it's like to be told that you need to get married and have kids before you're thirty or everyone will think that you're emotionally disturbed or gay. They don't know what it's like to live in a world where a two-income household isn't really a feasible possibility.

AMANDA: Yeah. And that's why being a Retrosexual takes aim at topics as diverse as the inherent emasculation of marriage and ... Hot Topic. HOT TOPIC! It has been feminizing our nation's men for too long!

SADY: The Retrosexual Code is, like... I agree with you. I want to know WHO THIS DUDE IS, because some of this stuff is just bizarre. Like, there's some predictable shitty homophobia: "A Retrosexual watches no TV show with 'Queer' in the title." I expected that. But also: "A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey." Did Dwight Schrute write this list? I think Dwight Schrute wrote it. "A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear." "A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting." A Retrosexual owns a beet farm. A Retrosexual knows karate. A Retrosexual wishes he could menstruate, because he wouldn't need a calendar. It all follows.

AMANDA: I am frankly confused by anyone interested in recruiting other people into conforming to whatever gender presentation they have chosen for themselves.

SADY: Yeah. I mean, that's how gender policing works: It's not enough for you to be the Butchest Butch Dude Who Has Ever Butched A Butch, you have to make sure that everyone ELSE does it, because otherwise people will pick up that butchness, like everything else, is performative.

AMANDA: But that's the strangest part of the Retrosexual movement—and the "Menaissance" in general (ugh). They appear to be fighting against the women who have forced them to "conform" to an emasculating version of manhood by ... setting up codes for being a proper Retrosexual? Offering step-by-step guides for learning to become a real man, again?

SADY: Yeah. I mean, if you have to buy a book subtitled "How To Be A Real Man," doesn't that point to... not-realness? Of your manlihood?

Exhibit C: These Men know how to tie a Windsor knot—and only a Windsor knot.

AMANDA: It's the same old thing with gender-policing conservatives, which Amanda Marcotte in particular has pointed out many times before: On the one hand, they want you to think that a certain version of "manhood" is natural, and on the other, they emphasize that it takes a lot of work to learn to be a “natural” man. I will admit that it keeps the AskMen creative juices flowing.

SADY: Ha, yes. I mean, on the one hand, I imagine that dudes seek this stuff out for the same reason that ladies read "He's Just Not That Into You," or whatever: It's confusing to be a person, and frequently painful, and everyone wants to believe there's some secret set of rules that they can follow to make sure things turn out well, or at least to make sure that they know what's going on. And they don't notice that "He's Just Not That Into You" is pages upon pages of basically emotional abuse, telling you that it was your fault for loving some dude and thinking your relationship could work out and it's your fault it didn't. And they don't notice that all of these "STOP BEING SUCH A MOTHERFUCKING PUSSY AND OWN A GUN" dude manuals are the same kind of emotional abuse, just basically berating you for not being male enough. They think it's helping.

AMANDA: I just feel sorry for whoever AskMen is speaking to. If you can identify with the Regular Guy writing these columns—if you see your girlfriend as a whining, gold-digging harpy who wants to bleed you emotionally and financially, and think the world is out to get you because you don't apologize for enjoying drinking beer and "shooting hoops"— you have some problems that even AskMen cannot solve. I imagine the entire point of that website is to convince men that they're being persecuted for enjoying extremely normal and in fact boring activities? Like "watching the game" and "throwing back a few beers." Which everyone does and no one particularly minds. It's the weird "everyday hero" thing that I guess keeps selling a certain beer brand over another.

SADY: Yeah. That's the thing. I mean, the not-so-secret ace in the hole for continuing to be sexist has long been, "I can't help it! I'm made this way!" Like, the "dudes are inherently vulgar and stupid and hump everything and just basically are like dogs who can talk, be glad they're not chewing on the furniture and pissing on the carpet" card, which I don't understand why men keep playing. Men say TERRIBLE SHIT about themselves all the time, frequently on ladysites where they are The One Dude Who Tells Everyone What All Dudes Are Like, but they don't seem to recognize how much they downplay their own abilities. Or they do, but it's an excuse. Like, embracing a shitty version of manhood is a way to defend yourself when someone points out that you, specifically, are being a shitty person.

AMANDA: Yeah. And then also: When it is suggested that men maybe don’t have to conform to the idea of lowest common denominator masculinity quite so much, the response is: "women are trying to change us from our real-manliness!” But interestingly, also: “IT'S WORKING! so we must fight this by desperately teaching other men how to do that lowest common denominator masculinity shit again!"

SADY: The idea is that feminism is working, and women have power now, and there's all of this built-up resentment at the idea that the women of the world are dictating at least some of the terms of social engagement. So you just sit there and go, "I AM A MAN! I HAVE AN ENTIRE WEBSITE ABOUT IT! I WON'T BUDGE FROM THE PRINCIPLES OUTLINED ON THE CRAPPILY DESIGNED WEBSITE WHERE YOU CAN FIND OUT ABOUT MY MANHOOD!"

Exhibit D: This Man practiced hammering nails in secret so that he not be rightfully ridiculed as a "wuss"

AMANDA: It just seems a little desperate, I guess. I just don't know who is furthering the Important Feminist Cause of making sure men don't have camouflage outfits in their closets, or forcing dudes to watch gay television shows. The problem instead appears to be that some men choose not to wear camo and some like gay TV. Like some gay men for example. And those men are not real and that’s bad. Who hates men now, men?

SADY: I don't know. I mean, I guess in a way I am strangely encouraged by the "Menaissance?" Because people don't get defensive unless they think they are actually losing something. Like, if this whole "feminism" thing were actually completely ineffectual, men would still have unmitigated privilege, and they wouldn't basically be having aneurysms and throwing tantrums about all these powerful women and the ability they have to influence societal expectations of gender.

AMANDA: Right, and it is also funny, kind of? Because a conservative screed published on a website that looks like it's from 1993 is always ripe for mockery. Particularly when the New Masculinity goes by the name "Retrosexual." Come on, dude.

SADY: SERIOUSLY. I mean, what's amazing is that it's also showing up in real, non-idiot-focused publications. Never underestimate the power of totally wackadoo male heterosexual insecurity to change the course of events! In fact, it is the only thing that ever has! Except for feminism, which is winning. So, in conclusion, maybe these dudes should just... DEAL WITH IT?????? I hear it is what A Real Man does, after all!

AMANDA: Haha. I mean, I'm the last person to begrudge some guys from dressing up and playing Mad Men, not that that activity sounds particularly masculine to my ears. The only part of the Menaissance I quibble with are the parts where men are forced to wear dumb fedoras and/or camo pants, depending on your flavor of Retrosexuality, and also the part where everything is the fault of women and GOD MOM they are the worst. But! I've heard that a very Retrosexual way of DEALING WITH MY PROBLEMS is to go online and make a website about it, and that's essentially what we're doing here, so perhaps we are all not so different!

SADY: Right. I mean, if dudes are into wearing handsome suits and knowing about scotch, more power to them! I enjoy both a good scotch AND suity dudes! I just wish dudes could recognize that a decent palate and good fashion sense are... pretty girly? As is running a website entirely about your gender and how persecuted it is?

AMANDA: Exactly.

SADY: I think they just all want to be feminist bloggers basically. They want to be us. And who wouldn't?

Exhibit E: This Man knows how to sharpen his own kitchen utensils.

Photos via the Library of Congress, the Smithsonian Institution, the State Library of New South Wales,

* Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown welcomes summer, and all the irrational fighting it brings. Kicking off fighting season for Doyle: Tequila-fueled feminist infighting!

Oh, the shouting! Oh, the insults! Oh, the many and various accusations, most of which, in recollection, make no sense whatsoever! I said she had internalized misogyny and cared more about protecting liberal party lines than about human decency; she said I had internalized classism and behaved “like a character from the movie Mean Girls;” I made fun of her for the Mean Girls reference, which didn’t help, and at some point, long after the conversation had transcended the bounds of sense-making, she said that she wanted to talk about how terrible I was with my boyfriend, at which point I got out my phone and started yelling, “Let's call him! Let's call everyone I've ever fucked! Let's ask them how much I hate poor people!” And I would have called them, too (“So, we dated from December of 2007 to February of 2010. During that time, to the best of your recollection, how many hobos did I set on fire for kicks? WHAT DO YOU MEAN IT'S FOUR IN THE MORNING. THIS IS EXACTLY WHY WE DID NOT WORK OUT”) but then I started crying, and the whole thing just went completely off the rails.

As I stood up and walked outside for a cigarette, at this point visibly sobbing, she called out, “I look forward to reading about this on wherever it is you blog.”

Fun fact: I witnessed this summer-opening fight! I was slumped into a booth of some swanky Brooklyn lounge thingy, drinking my millionth beer and attempting to keep it together while some guy explained scuba diving to me. Summer is here!

* Zack Rosen of The New Gay hates lube, and unrealistic, lube-less television fucking:

In season 6 of Buffy The Vampire Slayer, which I am currently watching, a lot of the previously high school-aged characters have a lot of very spontaneous sex. Two people are talking or fighting or waiting for the bus when suddenly, Bam! They are fucking. The show can’t be too explicit about it, so they just show undulating bodies from the waist up, fully clothed, standing against a wall or lying on a table, miming all the faces and sounds of intercourse. As a gay man, I can’t get over this. It just seems so easy. You have the interest in having sex and then you do it. Just like that. No muss, no fuss, no lube.If Buffy wanted to show a realistic depiction of, say, Angel and Spike fucking it would not be so easy. They would fight for a while and then suddenly Angel’s legs would be locked around Spike’s waist while they kissed. Spike would pantomime trying to slip his dry dick in, and then Angel would yell “OW! Spike, are you fucking kidding me?” He might even turn into Angelus from pain and frustration while Spike went tearing around his crypt, looking for a 6 month-old packet of lube that he thinks he picked up at a gay bar and left in the pocket of his other black t-shirt. Angel/Angelus would look at his watch for a while and wonder what kind of sodomite vampire doesn’t keep lube around, for chrissakes. Spike would suggest things like conditioner or spit, and then give up and resign himself to a mutual undead hand job. (And by the way, you can all thank me for not casting Giles and The Master in the above imagination exercise.)

* Megan Fox won't be returning for the third Transformers movie, presumably because notorious asshole director Michael Bay treated her like a huge asshole. Women & Hollywood's take:

Her side told The Wrap that said she walked away because director Michael Bay was “verbally abusive” and had just had enough of his crap.  She’s also talked about how he made her tan so much for the film that’s she’s nervous about getting skin cancer.  Bay is known to be an ass to his female actors, and the article goes on to say that another of the female actors in Transformers 2 Isabel Lucas wouldn’t do publicity for the film because of Bay.But he gets away with this shit over and over because no one has the power—or the guts—to hold this man accountable.  He could never get away acting like this in an office environment.  It’s also probably true that the if the executives who hire Bay and tolerate his behavior acted like he did, they would be in court up on charges.

Photo via The Library of Congress.

Don't believe me when I say that people actually think drunk girls deserve to get raped? Let's take the case of the 15-year-old California girl who was brutally gang-raped at her homecoming dance for hours in front of dozens of onlookers. Apparently, the victim had been drinking. For some people, that turns her horrific rape into a valuable morality tale that will put the fear into our nation's drunk girls. Helpful Comments points us to some not-atypical online reactions to the story:

Good news, criminals: As long as everyone in your general vicinity is sippin' on a beer, you may rape, murder, and pillage at your leisure!

Group drinking. That says it all. Booze will bring out the best in people. (yea go have another one) Perhaps the boys are not all to blame. The young lady had one too many.

Blame it on the alcohal:

I’m a 15 year old girl in New York, and I’m sorry to say this, but isn’t it possible that witnesses saw her get drunk with alcohal and belived she willingly participated as an effect? I’m sorry, but she shouldn’t have drunk alcohal to begin with. I’m not saying she deserved it, but she should’ve been much, much wiser. Getting a ride from dad was intelligent, but she should’ve kept to herself and concentrated on meeting her destination instead of hitting the beer at such a late hour, away from the gym. Agian, I’m this girl’s age, and I asure you that while I do sympathsize with the victim, she also has made very unwise mistakes on her part.

It's official: "I'm not sayin' it's her fault . . . " is the new "I'm not racist, but . . . "

wait wait wait…..she was drinking prior to this? hmmm. im not sayin its her fault or she deserved this or anything but shes 15 and drinking outside on a bench by herself in a dress….as much as people want this to be a perfect world, its not. what she was doin in the first place was asking for trouble. if your not gunna be smart about the choices you make, im not gunna feel bad for what happens. it sucks she was raped and she will never forget this and it will hurt her for the rest of her life, but come on lets be smarter than that.

One commenter took the presence of alcohol as an opportunity to float this theory: Even though the girl was gang-raped, beaten, robbed, and hospitalized, maybe it was SHE who raped THEM:

These poor misdirect young men will all be exonerated by the court when they get a good lawyer. Young men that are only guilty of allowing a girl that was drinking to take advantage of them. The reason no one went to call the police was that she was a willing participant. No more then that, she was the one who instigated the sexual activity. Why else would so many fine young men in that community be involved in such a heinous deed.

How about #7, NOBODY DESERVES TO GET RAPED YOU STUDPID IDIOT:

#1 Its Richmond High.#2 Its dark.#3 Your a 15 year old girl.#4 You accept the invite to go off in a dark area of campus and consume a larg amount of booze with a low life crowd.#5 Geeeeee, I got raped!#6 Duuhhhhh!These guys are low life scum bags, your 15 and you want to get drunk with them!YOU STUDPID IDIOT

Photo via Trendhunter

Earlier this week, we looked at the popular fear of date rape drugs, and how that fear helps distract us from acquaintance rapes that involve willingly ingested substances, like beer. Beer, you say? In this edition of Sexist Beatdown, Sady Doyle of Tiger Beatdown and I talk booze—the most common date-rape drug, the cause of a shit ton of other problems, and a pretty fun thing to drink, in moderation. After the jump: we bemoan the double standard of passing out, yearn for a consentalizer test, and check in on how our femininity is holding up—it's tipsy, thanks for asking!

SADY: hello! good evening! it is time to discuss date rape drugging, or so i hear!

AMANDA: it is that allotted time!

SADY: first of all, i have to say that your take on the whole scenario was (AS USUAL!) highly impressive and nuanced.

AMANDA: well—some issues were perhaps underrepresented there. there are A LOT OF ISSUES. with this ISSUE.

SADY: well, this whole report – that date rapes involving date rape drugs are less rare than date rapes involving date drinking—is kind of set to be a highly polarizing thing. like, some people have been like, "see? the floozies are just out getting drunk! and making up accounts of druggedness!" and others are like, "there are, too, date rape drugs!" and what impressed me about your take was that you didn't (a) minimize assault, or (b) discount that date rape drugs might in fact be less common than acquaintance rape without that factor involved.

AMANDA: I saw that Broadsheet had already written a pretty thought out post that discussed why some women might report being drugged when that was not necessarily the case—and obviously, i read the Daily Mail's amazingly stupid take on it which suggested that women are big drunk liars—so i thought i'd focus on the media's focus on date rape drugs. which is so interesting, because even calling them "date rape drugs" is misleading—the narrative really suggests that when this does happen, it's mostly strangers swooping in with these drugs, and not "dates" per se.

SADY: yeah, exactly. and this is a terminology flaw which i myself have fallen victim to: using "date rape" to mean "rape that was not the stranger-jumps-from-bushes-with-gun" sort of rape, rather than "rape by one's date," which is what it should (and does) mean. i mean: i have to tell you. i don't doubt that date rape drugs are used. a friend of mine just told me a story about how she suspects she may have been drugged, and although she was not assaulted, all the details line up.

AMANDA: oh yes! that is a point that i realized after i wrote my piece! it's possible that druggings are more common than they appear in these studies, but they do not lead to assaults. and that can skew the data, and getting drugged is still an awful thing to have happen to you, even if it doesn't end in assault. [Note: Marcella Chester has since counted the ways that the data on drink-spiking can go awry. Read it!].

SADY: right, it's still a violation.

AMANDA: but the whole issue of rape is an issue of skewed data, because reports are so infrequent. but i would THINK—and i dont know this—that reports of drug-assisted rapes are higher than those that don't involve drugs. because the media is pretty clear about reviling dudes who drug women, and less clear about reviling men who rape women who are drunk.

SADY: yeah. exactly. like, if you're drunk, it just means you're a big old mess and/or tramp anyway, and probably you were just drunk enough to "have sex" and "regret it" and etc.

AMANDA: and i think that "reporting" difference is true anecdotally as well—they may not even tell their friends or their boyfriends or what have you, or they will tell them and they'll be discounted. Etc.

SADY: whereas if you were DRUGGED, you can clearly point to an outside agency in getting you to the point where you could not give informed consent.

AMANDA: right. there's a degree of "proof" that society accepts with those rapes.

SADY: yeah, and, i mean, i have to tell you: i like to drink. i'm having a drink as we speak! and i am a lady who's pretty smart about listening to my body, drinks-wise, and not having more than i can handle. but there have been occasions – whether i didn't have enough sleep the night before, or forgot to eat lunch, or whatever – where A Normal Number of Drinks magically became, for that night, One Too Many Drinks, and i ended up in a messy state. and I was always surrounded by people who cared enough for me to point out that i was a mess, and call me a taxi, and whatever. but HOW SHITTY WOULD IT HAVE BEEN, STILL for someone to assault me in that state? i mean, why the fuck are Drinks considered an extra culpability on your part?

AMANDA: i too love drinking! and perhaps that should be disclosed whenever i defend ladies who like to drink against charges of flooziness! so, FULL DISCLOSURE, drinking! but so: the researchers note that drinking can be sometimes unpredictable, and if your diet or sleep or mood is different it can affect how alcohol affects you. so when, a couple weeks ago, my boyfriend told me he "felt like he had been drugged" because his level of hangover way outstripped the number of drinks he had, i thought it was kind of interesting. but i didn't actually think he HAD BEEN DRUGGED. though i suppose that's possible. but i feel like, perhaps, when women are unexpectedly slammed with alcohol—and particularly if they are assaulted while in this state—they may be told over and over again that these experiences are a result of being drugged. i'm not sure if that actually ever happens. but i DO know that if a woman was ever considered unreliable because she reported she was drugged and raped, and it turned out she wasn't actually drugged, then that would be very sad.

SADY: yeah, exactly. and that's the thing: while saying you were drugged can be pointed to as an example of how you didn't exercise agency in the matter (which is important for rape survivors, because as we all know making Bad Decisions means you totally shouldn't have the right to pursue a criminal sentence for someone who had sex with you against your will) it is also a wedge that can be used to destroy your credibility. which is why women i've known who came to the conclusion that there must have been some drugging involved in their assaults have been hesitant to come forward, because they're afraid that would be used against them. which, in that case, what was your crime? having too many drinks? FALLING ASLEEP????? not to be a big old spoiler, but dudes get to have too many drinks and fall asleep all the time! i mean, a gentleman of my personal acquaintance had too many drinks and was wandering around and got – apparently – randomly beaten up by some dudes in his neighborhood, and as far as i know the police did not tsk-tsk him for wandering around all drunk and beatable.

AMANDA: i know. dudes get to have SO MUCH PASSING OUT without the consequences! and young dudes still binge drink a lot more than women do, not that you would realize that given the media attention given to the matter. male drinking tends to be a bit invisible, i think—it's just something men do, so there's no excessive fear about it. even though men are more likely to be victims of violent crime than women are. i mean, there are fears about men drinking, but they are fears about literally drinking too much and dying from drinking too much. not fears about drinking too much and getting raped, or even drinking too much and raping another person.

SADY: which maybe SHOULD be a fear. i think this is an important point: these studies which say women who have been raped frequently have also been drinking? they maybe miss the point that women have been drinking while in an environment where everyone – dudes included – is also drinking. and i genuinely think that, if ladies have these regimens over watching their ladyfriends' drink consumption and making sure they are safe, dudes should also have people watching them to make sure that they don't get to the point where they are legitimately too drunk to even get what consent MEANS.

AMANDA: yeah. and, i mean, it would help if kids knew what consent means before they knew what "body shots" means. i think it should be on the driving test, personally.

SADY: yeah. that's a worrisome statement i just made, because it seems to remove some culpability from the rapist. but i suspect that (a) assholes who drink become bigger assholes, and (b) since we all recognize that a drunk asshole is liable to get in a bar fight or whatever, we should also recognize that a drunk asshole might be an asshole who is even more inclined to rape than he was previously.

AMANDA: yeah. it seems that while society's prescriptions for female drinking include "drinking correctly"—covering your glass, going with friends—male drinking is just defined by "drinking more." which—again—i like drinking. and if my drinking becomes a personal problem, that will be bad for me. but if my drinking becomes a problem for other people—like i end up raping women or hitting my kids when i'm drunk—then that's something that REALLY needs to be addressed by society.

SADY: yeah, precisely. and the reason i think this relates to date rape drugs (ha, remember those? HI, date rape drugs!) is that, you know, they exist. and even if they exist less than rapes which occur while the rapist and/or the victim were drinking, that's still a problem. one incident of someone drugging a person in order to rape them is too many, i would estimate. but the fact that rape occurs more often in proximity to alcohol – well: first of all, i can recall being pressured to drink A Bit Too Much by certain dates, so i think it's reasonable to state that alcohol can also be an agent of coercion. and, (b) people drink. Specifically young people who want to socialize. As an extremely shy person who is far less shy after drinking, I get the reasons for this. And the fact is that if alcohol coincides with rape, this DOES NOT MAGICALLY REMOVE THE FACT THAT RAPE IS BAD from the equation!

AMANDA: exactly. and i think a lot of it comes down to ladies drinking, because drinking is a dude thing, and when ladies drink it means they're, horror of horrors, ACTING LIKE MEN, or taking away dude-time, or revealing that drinking does not actually make you more masculine and / or awesome. but sorry, dudes, i'm not going to stop drinking!

SADY: yeah! i mean: i think the Horror of Drinking is the Horror of Unladylikeness, presented in vaguely medical terms. fact is: yep, when ladies drink a bit, they let down their various guards and DO NOT always behave in the manner in which society has accustomed us to expect from ladies. they get loud. they get a bit rude or wacky, at times. they EVEN make out with people that they would otherwise be constrained from making out with! (and oh, how I know that feeling.) BUT, with all the loud and wacky and unladylike behavior they are engaging in, GUESS WHAT? you still don't get to assault them! because we are not in Ye Medieval Tymes any more, and rape is not just something that happens to Virtuous Women of Goode Renowne. it can happen to ladies who are acting up, too. and, miraculously, it is still a crime. just like you don't get to rob somebody because you think he is a jerk.

AMANDA: yeah. ok, do you wanna break? i think i'm going to go buy some beer

SADY: do it, lady! ENJOY YOUR BEERS. YOUR BEERS OF FREEDOM.

Photo by jbcurio, Creative Commons Attribution License

"DAS Best Oktoberfest," the German-ish drinking festival which hits National Harbor, Md., on Sept. 26, is all about the beer. But how does one market this "beer"? Easy: Take a photo of a woman holding beer, cut off her neck and head, then cut off the beer. I know I need a beer right about now!

CNN's Stephanie Chen discovered adult kickball today. But somebody didn't stick around for the post-game.

In her report, Chen argues that grown kickball enthusiasts hit the field in an attempt to reclaim their lost youth. Kickballers, Chen writes, hope to relive the experience of "fifth-graders during PE class in Sparks, Nevada." As any veteran of adult kickball can tell you (don't judge me: I went to like two games!), the bygone era kickballers are attempting to reclaim is college, and the real sports begins after the field is empty.

Chen mentions the words "beer" and "single" only once in her piece, but from my experience, these are far and away the most important elements of the adult kickball experience. "With players who are trapped in a world of layoffs and job freezes, these adult leagues, contests and tournaments are the equivalent of sandbox time for children," she writes. "They can make new friends and go for a beer after the game."

A beer? Talk about a write-around. How about 12 beers (Miller Lite) chugged quickly in succession after the game? The actual ball-kicking is just the first half of the Kickball Biathalon, traditionally completed by a flip-cup tournament. DCKickball's Web site makes its priorities clear: "So we play kickball for 45 minutes and then we go to the bar for 4 hours."

And those "new friends"? The technical term is "fuck-buddies." From what I can tell, performance on the kickball field is little more than an elaborate flirting mechanism in order to aid young professionals in their mating activities.

Just listen to Chen's characterization of the game: "Spongy red balls wait in a queue, separating two teams wired to smack their opponent. Within seconds, the players dip and dive like dolphins until one player stands alone, relishing in victory."

Two teams wired to smack their opponent? With balls? Consider that impulse, 12 beers in, and just guess what kind of event competes the Kickball Triathalon. (Hint: there are sexy pirate costumes).

Picking your sex partner based on their proficiency at beaming other humans with huge balls may sound gross, unappetizing, and depressing—a lot like the bar scene in general? I dropped out early on—I was a fucking loser at kickball, worse at drinking 12 beers on a Tuesday, and really, really bad at tolerating 22-year-old fuckers initiating small talk by informing me that their jobs were "top secret." But I do know two long-term couples who met through the adult kickball network. They've both since split—perhaps adult relationships based on miming college life can't last forever. But remember, eternal kids: Kickball fuck-buddies may come and go, but the DCKickball Flickr pool lives on.

Photo by phillipshannon

Ever since "bro" crept out of the frat house basement and into the mainstream, the now-ubiquitous term has suffered a backlash. Consider the dominant definition of "bro" on urbandictionary.com: "Stupid white trash guys . . . with lifted trucks, wife beaters, shitty music . . . ugly girlfriends, ugly hair, mouths constantly open, retarded as all get up, have no common sense . . . Fags."

Also indicative of the term's current status: Even the founder of forthcoming online community BroBible.com —the world's first online "brocial network"—hesitates to self-identify as "bro." “The word bro has a negative connotation to some,” admits Doug Banker, the bro behind Bro Bible. "I'm definitely a bro in certain aspects," he adds. "But I consider myself a well-rounded bro."

But to Banker, 23, the term "bro" means something different. "We see it in the playful way . . . Really, a bro is just someone who likes to go out and have a good time, who likes to stay connected to their group of friends while expanding their horizons," he says. "It’s not one of our goals to make the word 'bro' more positive," adds banker. “But yes, hopefully, that will happen.”

Banker, who graduated this year from the University of Richmond with a B.A. in “Leadership Studies," hopes that BroBible.com will give a voice to what he views as a sorely underrepresented demographic. The Web site, tag-lined "Every bro has a story," will debut its mix of social networking, open forums, and bro-generated content on Oct. 15. “This is one of the first sites that’s tailored specifically to the needs and interests of the bro,” says Banker. “Finally, there will be an outlet on the Internet where [bros] can truly express themselves."

The nationwide site aims to connect a diverse network of bros around the country. “The actual type of bro varies, but there are bros everywhere,” explains Banker. “You’ve got the Southern bro, enjoys being outside; the Colorado ski bro; the California surf bro; the Texas down-South bro; the Northeastern preppy lacrosse bro. There are all different types of bros, but they share common attributes.”

Banker hopes to court the bros of the District of Columbia specifically. “A lot of my friends at Georgetown are huge bros, and they really enjoy the nightlife scene there,” he says. “In the bars, you can find a great deal of bros. Any sporting event, a lot of bros. I would imagine that D.C is full of them,” he says. Banker says he is planning to take his promotional bro tour to Washington, D.C. within the next month.

Other types of bros, however, are less welcome in the online community. “It’s not the 'yo, bro' type of thing,” says Banker, “We’re not trying to get a guy who’s going to drink ten beers and crash them over his head. . . . The site is not going to be glorifying male conquest and championing their exploits.”

Still, Banker says he hopes to promote an "open forum" where bros "can share all types of stories and not feel embarrassed to get that information out," he says. "And if that includes beer and hooking up, then so be it."

Though the bro is typically defined as male, Banker says that female bros—and women close to bros—are also encouraged to check out the site. "I think it’s going to be very popular with women," Banker says. "Women are really going to enjoy the site. They'll be able to gain insight into the male ego, the male bravado, how the male mind works. At the very least, they’re going to want to know why their boyfriend is spending so much time on the site."

Banker is hopeful that, with the help of the online bro community, a new term for a female bro will soon be coined. "I’ve been looking for one. I can’t think of one off the top of my head," says Banker. "Trust me, I’ve been wracking my brain for a long time.”

Photo by Tavallai.