They came, they researched, they let us in on a “little secret”. Now, “CockBibs,” the first novelty item for keeping your genitals creepily dry, are officially available for sale. And the Inventor of the CockBib has reached out to the females to let them know that CockBibs are for us, too (and certainly not offensive to anyone!). A notice on the Web site reads:

***Attention*** We apologize for any misunderstanding in regards to our appreciation for women as it relates to them orally pleasing us men. We love and have the utmost respect for women. The CockBib is just our attempt at creating a fun and humorous novelty item. It is not our intent to offend or disrespect anyone. Thank You! :)

No, CockBib. Thank you.

Introducing the CockBib, “an adult novelty item for males designed to make clean up after oral sex a breeze!” According to the device’s inventor:

The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized, “Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls.” I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob. I sat there wishing that I did not have to get up and go do the whole wipe down routine and thats when it hit me. I said “what if I had something to protect my balls, some sort of bib, a bib for my cock.” . . . and so, cockbibs were born.

And so, a guy gets a bad blowjob and he responds by designing and marketing 38 different novelty ball-covers to hang on your penis during oral sex. Given that these things look like tiny portable glory holes, this post-oral pioneer takes care to note that he is “Happily Married to a Beautiful Woman.” No word on how that “victim of another sloppy blowjob” comment went over.

In case you were wondering, there is a Yes You Can! CockBib. Some of the other CockBib designs, however, come off as a tad less progressive.

5. “Caution: May Cause Trauma.” Yeah, I’ll go ahead and heed that warning, and steer clear of the dismembered penis poking through the baby clothes, thank you very much.

Read More “The Five Most Inappropriate Cock Bib Phrases” »

It’s April 16, which means we can all resume teabagging by putting balls in our mouths instead of protesting taxes or whatever Republican dudes who are not secretly self-hating homosexuals did yesterday.

But oh, it was funny while it lasted. Let’s relive the jokes, shall we?

Anderson Cooper: “It’s hard to talk when you’re teabagging.”

Rachel Maddow and Ana Marie Cox (haha, “Cox”).

Read More “Americans May Resume Teabagging With Testicles Today” »

As the inauguration nears, Craigslist has been a-flutter with the romantic overtures of dudes looking for inauguration ball arm-candy and other dudes looking for inauguration week couch-surfing-with-benefits. Your best bets:

* This man-seeking-man inauguration ticket offerer has a range of interests, including “hiking, backpacking, mountain biking, snowboarding, reading, writing, cooking, dining out, watching movies, dancing, exploring the city and good conversation.” Could you be his other interest? “I tend to like younger, or at least youthful, intelligent, energetic, interesting, skinny/lean guys who look at the world differently,” he writes. Interested parties could get more than just a dance: “I’m also well-endowed and pretty damn good in bed.”

Read More “Inauguration Date Round-Up: Sex, Couches, and French Cuisine” »