Michigan family lawyer Ryan Hill is so morally outraged by extramarital affair dating website Ashley Madison that he launched the "My Marriage Matters" campaign—and shot this awkward television spot—to bring the cheating service down. The result: Schmaltzy piano, sexy infidelity shots, and Hill doing the Bill Clinton thumb-gesture in front of a waving American flag. Vote Ryan Hill for Dude With A Website That's Against That Other Website, I guess? He's also currently asking 1,000,000 people to sign his petition against people who support cheating. [Thanks to Kay for the tip].

Today, Mediate reported that Man Crunch, the gay dating Web site whose men-kissing Super Bowl ad was rejected by CBS, may be hiding a less-than-progressive agenda. This makes so much sense.

Mediaite's evidence: (1) Man Crunch's literature says that the Web site is for men on the "down low," i.e. they are trapped in the closet; (2) Man Crunch is owned by Avid Life Media, the parent company that also owns extramarital affair facilitator Ashley Madison; (3) both Web sites are perfect for repressed conservative men who want to have great sex without abandoning their politically expedient facade.

But don't take it from me. Watch the ad closely: Those kissing dudes? They never even kiss. They just kind of rub their faces into each others' shoulders for a few seconds. Perfect for the dude that's into other dudes, but is nevertheless totally grossed out by gay stuff.

Sometimes, Craigslist Missed Connections have the power to renew your faith in love-at-first sight. Other times, they will destroy your faith in humanity. This is one of those times.

I don't know what possibly could have happened this week to inspire some of the saddest missed connections that I have ever seen, but it's not my place to speculate—Internet stalking works in mysterious ways.

First up: can two "sell outs" make it work?

BRUCE CONCERT AT VERIZON (Verizon Center)

You: Older Gentleman Jeans and Jacket in Section 429 at Springsteen concert Monday.

Me: 5 feet aisle seat. Dark skin brown hair Jeans, black T-shirt. I danced and sang along all night at show.

I questioned if show would be a sell out. You suggested it was a sell out. Sensed a connection.
Would love to chat over coffee.

She wore a vest. He wore a lip sweater:

great mustache, no shirt – w4m – 24 (Columbia Heights)

You were riding your bike without a shirt. You have an amazing mustache and a sly smile. I was wearing a vest sitting at the wonderland. I hope we can connect.

He was having lunch at a Hooters in Manassas. OF COURSE he's checking this to see if any of the girls at Hooters secretly wanted to fuck him!

lunch at Hooters – w4m – 27 (Manassas, VA)

hoping there's a chance you check this . . . saw you having lunch with 2 other men at Hooters in Manassas today. Started to slip you my number, but missed the opportunity. The guy I was with is not my boyfriend. It would be nice to see you again

So, you're cheating on your wife, and you're cheap. Perfect.

ashley madison profile – m4w – 37 (Reston)

You winked at me on Ashley Madison web site , ID- "I_might_surprise_you". I have a free account so I cannot reply.

And you met your astrologer at a strip club. In 1985. You know what? I think we've finally found a match that makes sense.

Brian Sullivan- ASTROLOGER- I am looking for him (Washington, DC) (CAMELOT – 1823 M ST — (Washington, DC ))

I am looking for — Brain Sullivan —— Professional ASTROLOGER — ( & English Teacher)

He lives in Washington, DC

He is 40+ — slim white male — with pale skin — & white hair.

He is a — PROFESSIONAL ASTROLOGER

( & he also teaches English on the side)

I have lost contact with him and wish to see him.

He is my astrologer. i have known him since 1985

he knows me well

I wish to find him so I can set up a NEW astrology reading from him .

Photo by ::PinkDiamonds::, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

AshleyMadison.com, an online dating site that facilitates extramarital affairs, has never been too popular among moral conservatives. Earlier this year, Deroy Murdock argued on Human Events that Ashley Madison has edged out gay marriage as the number one threat to traditional matrimony. Now, cluck-clucking conservatives won't have to choose between the cheaters and the gays: Ashley Madison has begun marketing itself as a place where the married can pursue their same-sex attractions, too.

Ashley Madison's gay (and bi-curious) population is modest, but growing. Worldwide, the agency hosts 4.7 million members seeking extramarital affairs. Of those, only 143,427 are seeking some same-sex action. About two-thirds of Ashley Madison's same-sex seekers are women looking for women; one-third are men seeking men. Noel Biderman, Ashley Madison's CEO (married, two kids), says that his service provides a necessary sexual outlet for gay men and women who are trapped within the confines of traditional marriage. "There are men and women who, for whatever reason, might have been motivated to pursue a traditional marriage because they did want to build a family," Biderman says. "Unfortunately, in our culture, their sexuality is still at odds with that arrangement."

In an age when marriage equality is gaining serious steam, helping closeted gays escape their repressive straight marriages seems downright altruistic. But Ashley Madison isn't so progressive as to encourage gay men to marry each other. "They're not looking to leave their families," Biderman says of the same-sex contingent. "They're looking to have this on the side." Ashley Madison is not here to release gays from the closet—it's here to offer them a peek outside before returning them safely to nuclear family life. Meanwhile, it invests in the repression. "I don’t want to call it ironic, because people who find this ironic assume that we're a home-wrecking service," Biderman says. "We're not. We are a marriage preservation service."

Nobody relies on the preservation of traditional marriage like Ashley Madison. Ashley Madison's motto, "when divorce isn't an option," seems strange in a country where no-fault divorce makes it easy to reset one's relationship status to single. But Ashley Madison is not designed for folks willing to ruin their home lives so transparently. The service relies entirely on secrecy and discretion—what skeptics might call "lying" and "self-delusion." "This is not a service for people in open marriages," says Biderman. "There are sites out there for the courageous ones—the swinger couples who have found the courage to say, 'I love you, but I need to do something different in the bedroom,'" he says. Ashley Madison, on the other hand, is for people who "can't voice their sexual concerns to their spouses, because they are terrified of the repercussions," he says. "There's this notion that people who engage in infidelity are lying and deceitful," he says. "But people wouldn’t have to lie if these more realistic sexual options were socially acceptable."

As soon as those "realistic sexual options" are accepted, though, Ashley Madison goes kaput. The service wouldn't be making any money if people weren't terrified of communicating with their spouses. Besides, secrets are hot. Ashley Madison's branding centers around the service as a sexy, hush-hush taboo. Ashley Madison may have built an empire out of facilitating transgressions, but its continued success lies in reinforcing the traditional. Biderman's business will only remain viable so long as its members continue to invest in conservative, heterosexual marriages which reinforce monogamy. "People have told me, 'Oh, you should open Ashley Madison in France,'" says Biderman. "I tell them, 'You know, I don’t think they need me.'"

To date, Ashley Madison has only identified a need in the U.S., Canada, and Australia. In order for the service to expand, Biderman has got to locate other cultures that are currently struggling between the repressive and the progressive. "Places like Brazil offer an interesting dynamic, where infidelity among men is extremely high and among women it's much lower," he says. "There’s no reason to believe you can’t be wildly successful there. There is an incredible opportunity for a global phenomenon."

Biderman's latest campaign to make this an Ashley Madison world has, so far, failed to reach its full potential. "We always thought there would be a marketplace for same-sex affairs, but it's been difficult to cultivate it," says Biderman. "We could probably stretch those legs further, but there are so many obstacles to advertising our brand. We have enough difficulty advertising infidelity—think about the problems we'd have marketing to same-sex infidelity. I cant even tell you one avenue where I could effectively market that."

Ashley Madison's target demographic —people who lead conservative lifestyles but secretly yearn for a transgressive kick—is difficult to target. Social conservatives, remember, are obligated to respond to businesses like Ashley Madison with concern, outrage, and calls for banning. Ashley Madison claims to support the institution of marriage. Other American institutions have proven less than supportive of Ashley Madison. Recently, police kicked a tanker truck advertising Ashley Madison affairs out of the city of Philadelphia. Earlier this year, an Ashley Madison commercial was deemed too hot for the Superbowl. "We've got the Parent Television Council saying these ads are reprehensible," says Biderman of the Web site's conservative backlash. "There's this huge fear to have any sort of conversation about sex."

[youtube:v=EwJSD46JSoM]

As a result, Ashley Madison's marketing strategy has attempted to awkwardly straddle the divide between the conservative and the progressive. In one television spot, targeted toward women, Ashley Madison is offered as an alternative to a life married to a sexist pig. This husband arrives to an anniversary dinner late, leaves early, and in the meantime, ogles other women and implies that his wife is fat. Cheating on this guy practically constitutes a feminist act. The ad targeted at men contains no such progressive bent. In this version, the poor man's wife isn't a jerk—but she's fat, and she snores, too! This man is encouraged to cheat on his wife for more, shall we say, traditional reasons: he just wants to fuck someone else behind her back. And there's nothing progressive about dudes doing that.

[youtube:v=mZLjwhEp7nU]

Ashley Madison's new PR push advertising same-sex affairs may further alienate the conservative base it requires to stay relevant. Then again, perhaps the gay element is just what Ashley Madison needs to keep conservatives abreast of its services—and curious about exploring its taboos. Every time a religious conservative declares a sexual practice an affront to human decency, a new conservative kink is born.

Illustration by Bonnie Kennedy

Ashley Madison, the online social network for men and women seeking extra-marital affairs, has had trouble landing its advertisements (above) on television and radio. So they've dumped their pro-cheating ads on the side of Remy Santiago's gasoline truck. On Friday, Santiago's cheatin' truck rolled through D.C., and settled in one location for about an hour. So what's the most cheating-amenable intersection in Washington?

When Santiago's month-long roll across the country for Ashley Madison hit D.C., he parked the affair-mobile on the corner of Florida Ave. & North Capital Street—right in the heart of my neighborhood. Silly me: I thought Ashley Madison's target demo would hang out just a liiiiittle further south on North Capitol. Maybe Santiago just wanted a cappuccino?

Good thing I'm not married, and thus cannot be convinced to engage in an extra-marital affair by walking past a really big truck! Many of my neighbors are not so lucky.

But even married folks of Bloomingdale and Eckington may be proven immune to the effects of Walking Past a Really Big Truck. Santiago, who is married, has been trucking billboard-sized phrases like "Life Is Short, Have An Affair" and "Have An Affair, Anywhere" for weeks now, and he claims he hasn't been swayed to cheat himself. Besides, Florida & North Cap is far from the cheatiest corner of the U.S.:The truck driver told Fox 5 he "found the most positive responses in Detroit."