Based on my interest in feminine hygiene, YouTube suggested that I watch this vintage Secret commercial, starring Denise Richards, and with a special appearance by Jared Leto. The ad also features one of the most confusing series of floral metaphors that I've ever encountered. And I've encountered some floral metaphors!

Here's the transcript:

They say you're gonna bloom. Heh, what are you, plant life? Please. You've got all these decisions! You've got a life. Hey: You can make it come up roses. It helps to use this. You see, Secret is pH balanced for your body's chemistry, pH balanced for your decisions. Your life. Helps keep you dry. Confident. So when you're faced with one of these [a Jared Leto], you won't pull one of these [wilting flowers]. Secret! Strong enough for him, but pH balanced just for you.

The lesson here, girls, is that floral metaphors for your life are totally pathetic, because, decisions. However, floral metaphors may be helpful in describing the potential romantic benefits of applying deodorant, and when hooking up with Jared Leto is on the line, do you really want to be arguing semantics? In conclusion: Secret.

It seems as if my critique of last night's Superbowl ads struck a nerve with the most loyal fans of the Dodge Charger. These are their stories.

stann thinks that painting men as a bunch of emasculated wimps in order to sell a Dodge is just tellin' it like it is:

God forbid any commercial should be geared towards men, reflect the feelings of men or (worst yet) poke fun at women a little instead of making men look like idiots. The “Spine”, “Dodge Charger” and “You’re a man” commercials were some of my favorites and reflect what so many women don’t (or refuse) know about men. This may be why so many of them are divorced or can’t get a man.

gdmt is unconvinced:

stann, as a fellow heterosexual man, i think these commercials make men look totally pathetic. how can you relate to a commercial that makes men look resigned to spending miserable lives doing shit that they dont want to do all the time just so they can fuck a woman and drive a shitty dodge? maybe your life just sucks. sorry, stann.

stann insists that any man who doesn't like the Dodge Charger is either emasculated, or straight-up female:

gdmt: Any “man” who says a Dodge Charger sucks on anything but gas should just admit she’s really pretending to man so as to give some credibility to her point of view. It would be no surprise though, that complaints would come from the same emasculated men depicted in the commercials. Sorry to show you up to a mirror, but that’s life.

gdmt points out that that makes absolutely no sense, since "the same emasculated men depicted in the commercials" are the ones meant to be buying the fucking Charger. Therefore, if it is only the "emasculated men" who are complain about the Dodge Charger commercial, the Dodge Charger commercial has failed on its face:

stann: I’ll gladly be called emasculated if asserting my masculinity requires buying a dodge charger. also; those emasculated men depicted in the commercial are the ones driving the car i.e. you.

If the vibrating razor rubbed you the wrong way, perhaps this attempt to spice up the act of shaving your vagina will be more up your alley. Probably not, though, because it's pretty racist. It also implicates the house cat in ways I'm not entirely comfortable with.

This ad for the "Wilkinson Sword Quattro for Women Bikini"—a razor/trimmer duo—turns pubic hair shaving into a rousing gardening ditty, complete with racially-informed stereotypes about female sexuality and cruelty to animals!

So, the black woman's bush is big (wink), the Asian lady's bush is small (tee-hee), and by the end, the pussycat (oh, the subtelty) is completely hairless. Women of all races and vaginal styles spend their time enthusiastically grooming a slutty suburban wonderland that recalls Stepford, but with shorter skirts. I think the thing to take away here is that no matter how hairy your vagina is (if you're unsure, review the ethnic rubric above), just get rid of the damn thing, seriously. Also, make me a sandwich.

This ad comes recommended by the creepy dude who watched the whole thing over my shoulder while I was blogging about it in a coffee shop. He especially liked the pussy.