The Sexist

Phallic Sword Infomercial Video Corner

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After a long day discussing domestic violence legislation, geek misogyny, and Playboy-style manipulation, why not end the day with this incredibly phallic infomercial featuring some mustached guys wielding the Cold Steel Two Handed Great Sword into various cuts of meat, animal skulls, even a balloon? And that's not all: Only the Cold Steel Two Handed Great Sword can reliably puncture other incredibly phallic structures, such as large wooden poles, hanging ropes, and bamboo. My favorite part is when they cut something with the Cold Steel Two Handed Great Sword and then hold up the Cold Steel Two Handed Great Sword to the place where they cut that thing.

  • http://graduallygreener.wordpress.com Gradually Greener

    It's so ridiculous... and yet I can't look away.

  • Aaron

    Gosh, they even have one that can "[shear] off arms and even legs with a single blow!" I don't know about you, but *my* Christmas shopping? Done!

  • Keith B

    lol @ the commercial, but you're not one of those womyn who think every object that's somewhat phallic is a conspiracy by the patriarchy, are you?

    I mean, studies have shown that vulvar-shaped objects do not make good rockets, and no developer in NYC would think building a cave would get them more pricey condos to lease than a highrise...

  • ukenagashi

    Mountainous (http://www.youtube.com/user/MOUNTAINOUS#p/u/53/e60ElDfQNrg) is my favourite manic sword wielder. His technique makes the baby Jesus cry, but MAN does he show those milk cartons what's what!

    I always thought two handed swords were mostly used to bludgeon people anyway, but what do I know? I can't revere the sacred phallus to its full potential.

  • http://atomicspin.wordpress.com/ Schroduck

    My favourite bit is when he says "That's what a greatsword is all about - deep penetration!" That just takes the subtext and turns it right into text.

  • Aaron

    Keith:

    "At the most, [the Cold Steel Chinese Sword Breaker] could live up to its name and could break, bend or disable conventional swords and many other weapons with a single blow! In either scenario, one is left powerless to avoid the Sword Breaker's imposingly ferocious point. Luckily, there were few who encountered this powerhouse in battle, as its girth and heft meant it required a warrior of substantial strength and agility to wield it properly. But, in the hands of a physically able, and skilled warrior, it was the scourge of hand-to-hand combat."

    'Imposingly ferocious point.' 'Girth.' 'Heft.' And it requires a warrior of substantial strength and agility to...*wield* it properly.

    It's not like COCKS you have to COCKS do a whole COCK bunch of deep COCKS semantic analysis to COCKS see the subtext COCKS there, is COCKS what I COCKS mean to COCKS say*. You don't need to have read bell hooks. You just need to have eyes in your head, is all -- I mean, "Tom of Finland" is only about two and a half steps more blatant. If they're not putting it in there accidentally and without realizing they've done it, then they're doing it on purpose because they know a big part of their target market is prone to severe insecurities about the size of its own.

    * also cocks

  • http://www.onmytiptoes.com sarah

    "That's what a great sword is all about. Deep penetration." And then I died, ma'am, of all the laughing.

  • PD

    @Aaron I am SO TURNED ON RIGHT NOW.

    Also, LOL, that's not even how you hold a two-handed greatsword.

  • Aaron

    @PD I know EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN.

    And would you even expect one of these Cold Steel guys to know what to do with a sword big enough to need two hands? OH SHIT.

  • Christina79

    People are still making swords? Jesus Christ you're going to start hearing about school massacres with swords now :(

  • kza

    They should have just called it the pork sword.

  • Conrad Davis

    Must buy medeival replica zweihander...

    Guys, once obama takes away all our guns, having one of these will be like having an M1 tank in your garage. It'll be like that scene in Indiana Jones except INDIE GETS CARVED IN HALF!

  • Keith B.

    Haha Christina, I knew you were a troll. I like you! Well played earlier.

  • Brennan

    So they're selling these . . . for what exactly? They're too sharp to use in any kind of medievel role playing, to ugly to put on display . . . so, what, you're supposed to buy a sword requiring extensive training, conditioning, and maintenance for that inevitable night when you're robbed by a chainmaille-clad home invader who does not have either a gun or a knife? And considering the reach on that thing you'd probably do more damage to your home than if you just let yourself be robbed. Is the sword geek equiping himself for the imminent invasion of an orc army? Is this the latest craze in bovine butchery? Or is the buyer shelling out for the simple pleasure of seeing a big-ass sword chop up newspaper?

  • hn

    I loved the editing. This sword can cut through a pig's head. And a cord. And two pig's bodys. And also some bamboo. You could cut somebody's toes off (WHO WOULD EVER NEED TO DO THAT?!), and crush some ice.

    The most disturbing thing: they sell enough of these to buy themselves a high-speed camera.

    Also this might be a Mythbusters audition tape.

  • Aaron

    Brennan: It's a six-foot-long luxury sword. It's for hanging on walls and masturbating over, not for using.

  • Meg

    I do know people who drill with these. And one who chased a neighbor off his lawn with a mace. Why buy a hand gun if you aren't an intended murderer? This is the same reason, really.

    Apparently the set of "things you cut to show off a sword" is relatively standard, and came from katanas showing how much better they were than those things you use to bludgeon people to death with. So this add is targeted at people who spend large amounts of time and money on medieval weaponry.

    This also isn't a "luxury" sword; those cost an order of magnitude more and are *way* prettier (check of Angel Sword sometime). These people went for sharp, not attractive.

  • PD

    I spent time in the Society for Creative Anachronism and have owned (not very good) swords myself. I think basically you buy something like this because you want a big freaking sword in your house. They are, actually, really good for scaring off intruders or would-be muggers. One friend prevented TWO attacks, one with a long sword and the other with a lance. Also on account of how he's six feet tall and weighs 400 pounds. That helps, too.

  • Elise

    The thing I find funniest about this video is that NONE of these guys knows how to wield that sword, clearly. C'mon, guys, it's a sword, not a baseball bat. They could have done a lot more awesome things if they used it right.

    And, historically, these swords were essentially for beating an armored opponent to unconsciousness and then stabbing him dead before he could do the same to you. Cutting is NOT what they really wanted to do against that armor. However, since it isn't Medieval Europe, and I'm not about to go Medieval on some armored knights, I'd like to propose this sword, along with displays of cement blocks and tatami mats, as perhaps the most perfect self-defense tool ever. If they're too busy peeing themselves after you cut through a fricking cement block to shoot you, you win. And if that doesn't work, well, you still have a big-ass sword.

  • upk

    Your lady mockery and historical knowledge mean nothing. I'm getting this. I only wish that I had four arms so I could wield two of these at once.

  • PD

    @upk Hey, dude, I have a war axe sitting next to my bed. I am all for big-ass weapons.

  • PD

    I'd like to add: BUT YOU SHOULD KNOW HOW TO WIELD THEM.

  • Emily H.

    "For those with the strength to use it, Cold Steel is a huge advantage in any fight." Well yeah... having a six-foot sword that can hack off someone's head & limbs WOULD tend to give you an advantage in fisticuffs, all other things being equal. But the downside is, you might actually kill someone & go to prison.

    However, my purse got stolen one time by a crazy drug addict who walked right into my house. If I had brandished a gigantic fucking sword at him I'm absolutely certain that he would have run off. So I suppose it does have legitimate uses.

  • kza

    @upk

    hahaha

  • Aaron

    Meg: That your standards for 'luxury sword' are higher than mine in no way changes the fact that what we're discussing here is basically, in just about all circumstances, a five-hundred-and-fifty-dollar toy. As far as I'm concerned, being able to drop half a grand on a toy? Luxury.

  • PD

    Aaron, I'm starting to think this sort of thing is Super Dollfies for dudes.

  • Aaron

    Wow, PD! Thanks to you and the Power of the Internets, I now know about a whole 'nother creepy subculture I'd never heard of before!

    (Fairness: I am certain there are people who purchase intricately detailed and, per Wikipedia, "frequently anatomically correct" scale-model human dolls, for reasons which no one in their right minds could possibly mistrust. I'd like to apologize to those people, all three of them, for having overgeneralized in describing their subculture as 'creepy'.)

    I dunno, though, I see it having a more direct overlap with cosplay, with the swords being made to human scale and all. I think I can see how that sort of prop would make it easy for someone of low self-regard to imagine himself as a more decisive and intimidating person, where 'more decisive and intimidating' mostly means 'better armed'.

    I mean, gateway drugs, you know how it is. You try out a tire iron or a Louisville Slugger, it's fun to swing around but it just doesn't make your dick feel as big as you want it to, and of course there is the drawback that you can't use it to chop an entire dead pig into multiple dead pig pieces. So of course you're going to want to move up to a more innately weapon-y level of weaponry -- of course, the obvious choice would be some sort of firearm, but those make loud scary noises and can be hard to use and recoil is scary and you have to register and concealed-carry permits are hard to get, and besides you were at a shooting range once and there were a few men there who seemed a lot more OMG MANLY than you've ever been able to manage, and that's some scary shit right there when you consider that you might do something embarrassing, and one of them might...well, they might snicker or something, if they even happen to notice.

    So you need a weapon that's enough of a weapon not to look like it belongs in the trunk of a car, and you need a weapon that's not so much of a weapon that you'd actually have to, you know, learn how to use it or anything. What's the obvious solution? TOY SWORD.

    I rest my case.

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