The Sexist

Fucking While Feminist, With Jaclyn Friedman

jaclaugh

Jaclyn Friedman is, in short, a feminist rock star. She is the executive director of  WAM!: Women, Action & the Media. She edited the incredible Yes Means Yes!: Visions of Female Sexual Power and a World Without Rape, and continues the work of dismantling rape culture in her weekly pro-sex column. She writes as compellingly about taking off her shirt for fun as she does her college sexual assault. And she has been fucking under these conditions for nearly 20 years.

Fucking while feminist presents a peculiar set of challenges for the pro-sex single. How do you talk rape culture on a first date while still managing to get laid once in a while? How do you find the feminist guy who won't self-flagellate to the point of unfuckability? How do you avoid dying alone, basically? Friedman agreed to talk to me about establishing a feminist fucking litmus test, the art of locating non-douchey sex partners online, and the secret perks of fucking a feminist.

Sexist: So I was eating dinner with my boyfriend the other day and I started talking about my opinions on rape kits and shit, and I realized that I could probably never talk about this stuff on a first date with someone I had never met.

JF: And if you were me, you would go the a first date, and he would ask, "So, what do you do?" My online dating profile says that I’ve written a book and I’m writing another one. So they ask about it. And then literally ten minutes into a first date I’m talking about rape culture.

How does that usually work out?

JF: The way I hope it will work is that they ask these initial questions before we meet in person. So then they can go offline and collect their thoughts and then respond to me. My profile says I’m a feminist. So a lot of people who would be really scared off by me, we don’t get very far. When the whole Polanski thing was going down, I had this big argument with a guy about Polanski. First date. And last one.

Do you have any feminist litmus tests?

JF: I would like for there to be a set of feminist litmus tests that I could reference and use to find the right guy. Right now, I feel like I'm in an endless cycle of asking myself, "Am I willing to let this slide?" I'm mostly dating guys right now, which is fairly new for me. From my early 20s to my mid-30s I dated exclusively women and trans men. I'm not romanticizing that, like "it's so much easier with women"—let me tell you, it's not. But it's a different set of questions you have to ask. I don't feel like I can go in to these dates expecting dudes to know as much about feminism or sexuality studies or rape culture, the stuff that I live my life talking about and thinking about. I feel like I’m going to die alone if I do that.

. . . Here is what’s depressing about dating while feminist. Feminism is what I do with my life, it's how I spend my days, it's my job, it's not just an opinion I have among many other opinions. If I had a hardcore litmus test, the pool of men I could date would be so tiny. And then when you weeded out men who are gay, the men I don't find attractive, the men already in monogamous, committed relationships—really, I would never get laid again. So I do feel that I have to try to be flexible out of necessity. But if I were to end up with someone—and I do want a long-term, stable relationship with someone at some point—they would have to be feminist on some basic level. They would have to be.

Right now my basic litmus test is this: Is he interested in feminist issues when I bring them up? And can he talk about them in ways that express curiosity and engagement and respect, instead of defensiveness or dismissiveness or attachment to stereotypes? If we can talk about this stuff in ways that are interesting and productive, I can work with it most of the time.

Have you ever turned anyone feminist?

JF: That would be lovely, wouldn’t it? If I could turn a man feminist with the power of my vagina? It hasn’t happened yet. . . . When I was younger, I dated mostly women and trans men. Those relationships didn’t work out, obviously, they had their own issues. But the feminist thing wasn’t as much of an issue. And the only cisgender man I’ve been in a longterm relationship was a feminist when I met him. We would have feminism arguments where I was educated by him, and vice versa. And I thought, well, how lucky I am to have found a feminist guy! And he ended up being an ass . . . in somewhat unrelated ways.

Is there anything that men can mention in their dating profiles that tips you off to feminist compatibility?

JF: I'm e-mailing a guy right now I really want to meet who used the word "heteronormativity" in his profile . . . aside from that, which almost never happens, more what I look for is. . . you know the Bechdel Test for films? It states that any good film has to have two female characters who talk to each other about something other than a guy. Well, this is my test: When I look at personal ads, I look at their lists of favorite books, movies, and music, and they have to list women in all of those categories. They don't have to have a majority of women, but they have to know that women exist in the culture and be fans of some of them. It's a pretty low bar—or it should be. I used to look for guys who don’t list Fight Club in their favorites, but I've had to relax that rule, because all dudes evidently love Fight Club. I do draw the line at Ayn Rand. It's more about avoiding red flags than anything else. . . . I also don’t respond to any guy who says they’re looking for a woman who "doesn’t have drama," not because I have a lot of drama, but because I feel like that is code for women who have opinions.

. . . I also have a couple things in my profile that are screeners, that I’m hoping will turn off people I don’t want to be bothered by. I mention feminism. I say I'm a size 16. But I do it all in a flirty way, like, 'size 16 can be sexy," not in a way that says, "I AM ALL THESE THINGS. DEAL WITH IT."

So when you tell people that you’re a feminist, do they have assumptions about what the sex is going to be like?

JF: If you Google me, it’s pretty obvious where I stand on the sex stuff. Whenever I end up talking about my work on rape, I also am immediately communicating that I’m a pro-sex feminist. . . . I have been with some men who are surprised that I am, shall we say, less than vanilla in bed . . . A couple of guys were shocked that I like to play various games in bed, because I'm a feminist. That's always really interesting to me. I'm always like, 'Are you kidding me? The feminists I know are the craziest women in bed you can find!" Those are the moments where I feel like a one-woman feminist PR machine. I'm instructing the world one man at a time that feminists are really fun to sleep with.

So do you meet guys who pass the feminist test but then turn out to be disappointments for other reasons?

JF: Oh God. There is a type of feminist guy who is so eager to fall over himself to be deferential to women and to prove his feminist bona fides and flagellate himself in front of you, to the point that it really turns me off. And it makes me sad, because politically, these are the guys that I should be sleeping with! You know what I'm talking about?

YES.

JF: Everyone knows what I'm talking about. And some of them are even really cute! I want to say to them, "If you could be a person, like a whole, complicated person, who I feel like I could crack jokes around, then I would really like you." But they're so serious about their feminism at every moment that I don’t feel like a person to them. I feel like I'm on a pedestal, almost. I know that they're not going to disagree with anything I say under any circumstances. And I don't feel like I can make a raunchy joke about sex, because they'll be horrified. . . . I hate to be critical of our allies in any way, because we need them, but there's something about that certain kind of hyperfeminist guy that makes them unappealing to date, to me. I suspect it has something to do with our internal conceptions of masculinity, which is terrible on my part.

I think it's also that they haven't really gotten comfortable with their feminism yet.

JF: Yes. They haven't internalized their feminism, so it’s always being externalized. And it places a lot of pressure on the women they're with. There's this very self-conscious performance of feminism. And it does sometimes feel like they want a cookie. . . .  OK, I know this is such a delicate conversation to have, but I want those guys to wake up because those are the guys I want to want to sleep with!

So do you have any other fucking while feminist horror stories?

JF: . . . What happens to me that drives me up a tree is this: The guys who respond to me and are like, 'You’re awesome. You’re kind of a hellcat." They think it's cool and kind of bad-ass that I'm outspoken and passionate about things. They think that’s really hot. They’re into it. But then when that outspokenness gets applied back to them, it’s suddenly game-over. You know the idea of the Manic Pixie Dream Girl? She's light, and quirky, and she has no inner life of her own, and just there to serve our hero’s development and erotic interests. I sort of feel that I get cast in these dudes' narratives as the Hellcat Dream Girl, there to prove how bad-ass they are because they’re dating such a bad-ass woman. They think it’s cute or sexy. But when I use that smart, outspoken bad-assery to challenge their own perspectives, it’s suddenly not sexy at all. It happens when they say something that I disagree with, and I act like a person and not someone that is playing out their particular fantasies.

It’s happened to me a million times . . . they want it as a trophy. "Hey, look at my bad-ass girl." They don’t want to deal with me as a person. It follows this pattern where it usually comes from a person who seeks me out. They try to seduce me. They think I would be an accomplishment to conquer or something. They seek me out and try to get me interested in them, and then I am, and then they flee. . . . I feel like the same thing happened with the guy I dated for two years. He liked the idea of being a guy who would be with someone like me, but ultimately it turned out that he wanted someone who wouldn’t challenge him as much, a person who was easier and quicker to sweep away. I got evidence of that when, within three months of breaking up with me, he was dating a 23 year old who lists her political views on Facebook as "moderate."

Do you ever feel like there's a conflict between your life as a professional feminist and your personal life?

JF: Oftentimes I wonder what the people who know me professionally would think about the compromises I make when I’m dating. I wish this were a live conversation where other feminists were weighing in. I’d like to know what other women are doing. Am I making the right compromises here? Should dating require these sorts of compromises? Is there any tactic that produces better results? . . .  I feel very unsure about what the best way is to live my politics and have a sex life. I really feel in the weeds about it. But it's something I think about all the time, and I don’t feel like I have the answers.

Photo by Anh Dao Kolbe

  • http://www.xxrayspecs.wordpress.com Hannah

    I love this interview -- this whole blog -- so much I might actually shed tears if I weren't in an open plan office pretending to write about soft drinks.

  • http://www.foolishtreefilms.com Ian Carruthers

    From Jaclyn: "The guys who want a strong feminist woman to take control of their lives and excuse them from ever having to make another hard decision."

    From MQ above: "Women tend to be extremely contemptuous of men they perceive as weak. In this way, women are just as involved as men are in policing masculinity."

    MQ, I think you're right about this. Men (as you say) feel this way too; it is a long-standing cultural bias. That being said, I know that I'm not as interested in being in relationships with weak people, people who won't stand up for themselves in the relationship. I'd much rather be with a strong person, regardless of gender, planet of origin, etc.

    I was born male. I wanted to be a dyke in the worst way, for years, but I finally got it that I'm fond of the plumbing I have and am not interested in getting my physical sex re-assigned. (Thinking about it now, I may be a dyke, but not a woman. That's an interesting thought. Is there dykeness separate from femaleness? Another discussion. ;)

    At any rate, I was a feminist washrag for years. Yes, being a man and being feminist takes a certain amount of guts. You're consciously trying to subvert the dominant paradigm, and could pay for it in all sorts of ways. However, I found later that part of the reason I was there was to find a safe space to recover parts of myself that I'd lost in childhood. Yes, I'm primarily heterosexual, and wanted at least one relationship with one woman. But I was overly deferential, and not only did the women I was with not appreciate it, I felt awful about myself when I acted that way. At the time, I didn't know how to stop, but it was still my responsibility.

    Jaclyn, you say above "but there’s something about that certain kind of hyperfeminist guy that makes them unappealing to date, to me. I suspect it has something to do with our internal conceptions of masculinity, which is terrible on my part." Well, it may have something to do with that, and you need to be responsible for your actions and feelings. However, being once the man I described above, and now a man in a fabulous, committed, ballsy relationship with a woman, I'll say this for myself: If I'm a weenie, and you don't want to date me because I'm a weenie, your decision not to date me is your responsibility. My weenie-ness (regardless of gender) is my responsibility. Not yours.

    p.s. - thanks for doing the work (and play!) that you do and not giving up on us whole-hog! ;) I did once (give up on men), but no more.

    p.p.s. - fabulous convo here! Thanks, all!

    Best,

    Ian Carruthers
    Filmmaker
    http://www.foolishtreefilms.com
    Let's make a movie!

  • marc200

    DanceDreaming: I agree with what you’re saying in theory, but did you ever think that many feminists say these types of things because they themselves are strong women and therefore they demand the same of men?

    There are many kinds of strength. Accepting a definition of strength centered around leadership and toughness is more problematic than you seem to realize.

    Feminists and those critical of systematic injustice in general be it in regard to race, gender, or class, etc. will always hold a more no nonsense tone with those who have privilege.

    you can be as no-nonsense as you like, but don't be surprised if people don't find it romantically attractive.

  • HonesB

    As a feminist (or pro-feminist, I don't really want to get into the argument) straight, cisgendered dude, I find it kind of interesting that I can relate to a lot of what you're saying. I'm in a long term relationship now with someone who is awesome, but I ran into similar problems when I was dating. I mean, a lot of women who are into feminism but are kind of new to the idea seem to have the same thing where they're, as you put, externalizing feminism instead of just trying to live it.

    Most of my interests, my hobbies, are political. Activism is what I do in my spare time. I can definitely sympathize with how hard it is to do the first date thing when the answer to "what did you do last weekend?" is something like "Well, I got attacked by a cop," or "I watched a documentary about prison rape." Not cheerful stuff, but what's the point in dating somebody that you can't talk to about your life?

    Or you meet women who like the idea of dating feminist guy in theory but actually want a relationship that's pretty traditional, whereas I want a relationship where we both have our own things that we do, you know. To me a really important part of a pro-choice relationship is that you CAN rely on each other with becoming all creepy and co-dependent. You can blame culture or patriarchy or whatever, but a lot of women, even women who identify with feminism, have this idea that an ideal relationship basically should be creepy and co-dependent. That's not what romance is to me, and once I figured out what I was actually looking to get out of a relationship, the rest wasn't as tough.

  • DanceDreaming

    Jennifer:

    As Marc200 mentions, there are many kinds of strength. And I think that there are some people that are going to be strong in ways, just naturally, that others aren't. And I think there is a particular strength in owning one's weakness.

    I also feel like wanting to play a supportive role is a valid, and valuable position. And the idea that because one is a strong woman, one should therefor demand the same kind of strength in a partner is...odd. And the undertone of weakness:bad/strength:good bears a creeping resemblance to femininity:bad/masculinity:good.

    I actually am not taking a position against JK looking for a strong partner so much as the 'sensitive men need to grow a spine' comments. I think that these are intensely counter-productive.

    Oh and Marc200: Again, she's not seeming to be having as much trouble being romantically attractive as she is finding people she's romantically attracted to. I didn't read her interview as saying that she's turning guys off with stance as an activist, so much as being turned off by the men themselves.

  • http://www.isak.typepad.com Anna Clark

    For the first time in my life, I'm dating a guy who is an engaged, internalized feminist. One of HIS litmus tests for who he'd date is feminism. And the energy we have together that comes from this, both in how we view the world, ourselves, each other, other people --

    -- well, it's fucking amazing.

  • Em

    Don't compromise. Look for men who respect women as separate and complete human beings. They may not talk feminism or know feminist constructs, but that doesn't mean they don't get it.

    I married someone who came from a conservative midwestern background and thought he was a Republican. If I'd asked him whether he was a feminist, or started explicitly talking rape culture, I doubt his responses would have passed a preconceived litmus test. But listening to the way he talked about his mother, sister, and ex-girlfriends, I heard someone who respected women as naturally and absolutely equal and rejected elements of the culture that marginalized women.

    So freakin' refreshing.

    Real men respect women. There's no conflict between mature masculinity and feminism.

  • Jenise

    Wow Jaclyn, what a great interview, very informative and honest! But I lament that the alpha male I love would never meet the litmus test; I stay with him regardless for his other qualities, but you have given me something important to ponder. Cheers to you girl and good luck in finding that sincere and secure feminist hottie to spend your life with, one who has not sacrificed the sexy qualities of manliness to political posturing and deference.

  • jezrea

    I appreciated most of the points in this interview, but I noted two things that I thought were pretty lame from Friedman: 1) the notion that “doesn’t have drama” is to screen out women who have opinions. It just doesn't follow. You yourself said that you don't have a lot of drama, and that's all I see that as stating. My SO and I have discussed this. He told me before we started dating that he doesn't want a lot of drama in his life. It has absolutely nothing to do with the strong opinions I put forth. A lot of guys say they don't want drama. I think you're cutting away a lot of potentially good men for faulty logic.

    2) Your statement that a politically "moderate" person is someone who can't be challenging and is "easier and quicker to sweep away". I can vaguely see why you'd make such a statement, but again I believe that the conclusion doesn't follow from the premises. I've labeled myself as a moderate because a lot of issues I can see both sides to but that doesn't mean that there are some issues I feel very strongly about and have no problem putting my views very strongly out there. You put down a lot of women with that statement. Not cool.

  • Finisterre

    Fantastic article and debate!

    I find the debate about 'strong' women not wanting 'weak' men particularly interesting because of my cross-Atlantic perspective. From here in the UK, the American concept of manhood seems to be substantially more macho than the average Brit's, and frequently more tied up with physical strength, domination, determination... all that frontier-mentality stuff. Not that British men are 'better' or 'worse',of course, but there does seem to be *some* difference in perceptions of masculinity.

    And my partner is pretty non-traditionally masculine even for here. He hates sport, he can't fix things and he doesn't have a driving licence. BUT one of the things that first attracted me to him was that we discussed (for some reason) his definition of manhood. And he said straight away that for him it was nothing to do with physical strength or any of that shit. For him, it's knowing who you are and what you believe in and being ready to stand up for that and for yourself. And also, obviously, knowing when to judiciously run away. :-D

    And I pointed out that that could also define a woman, to which he cheerfully agreed. I loved that, that he didn't define himself/masculinity by its difference from women/femininity.

    But it's hard, really hard, being a feminist even with a sympathetic dude. He, like others mentioned here, is happy that I'm ballsy but not so keen when I'm pointing out HIS shit. He is often guilty of mansplaining how something isn't sexist because *he* can't see it. And, being a die-hard leftie, I *know* he still thinks that feminism is secondary to the class struggle, etc.

    But I agree with others who have said that as long as the basic love and respect are there, things can work. We have both changed - I am learning to make my point without getting (too) angry, he has learned that despite our mutual love of creative swearing, rape jokes aren't funny.

    If I were dating now, I'd proudly say I was a committed feminist. The fact that it would narrow the pool down is a bonus, not a detriment. Because sexy macho bastards are all very well for a fuck, but are boring, humourless gits unless everything's on their terms. A man who you can fuck AND have a conversation and a laugh with is well worth having to do all the power-drilling crap for. IME.

  • JMS

    I love (and by "love" I mean "abhor") that so many people in this thread are telling Jaclyn what she "should" like and dislike in potential partners.

    Are you missing that the entire point of this article is an interview with one person about her own personal experiences, tastes, likes and dislikes? It's like you're all railing at George H.W. Bush to like broccoli or something.

  • DanceDreaming

    JMS:

    Well, a lot of feminists do make critiques about the fact that men in general tend to overvalue some aspects of femininity, sexually, and undervalue others. Over-focus on the physical, under-focus on the mental. Over-focus on thinness. Etc. Overvaluing submissive, non-challenging behavior. Wanting a woman who will simply agree with them.

    Personally, I am not trying to specifically tell JK who to date. I'm not even certain she will read this thread. More making some points on questioning the sanctity of desire. Some discourse around desire paints it as some sort of untouchable. As if who and what we desire arises spontaneously on it's own, untouched by the cultural context. And I don't think this is true.

    Pointing out a certain type of activity in a guy as being specifically unattractive has weight. Words have power. Reading this and similar pieces might make it more likely that, when a strong woman is dating an eager, more submissive, sensitive man, she will unconsciously regard it as 'ew'.

    What I am really wondering is where the notion that a strong woman needs a strong man came from? The reverse has never been culturally assumed.

  • JMS

    Well, a lot of feminists do make critiques about the fact that men in general

    AB DAB DAB stop right there. "They did it first" ceases being appropriate after your 8th birthday.

    This article isn't about the imaginary "a lot of feminists" in your head. It's about one person and her experiences. And look at all the people who are SO FUCKING EAGER to discount and dismiss her experiences.

    It's enough to, dare I say it, make one a feminist.

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  • http://www.okcupid.com/profile/khalihs khalihs

    There is a huge difference between being feminist and being a fanatic; that I find is my issue, in general. All groups of people. I'm open to everyone - unless they're fanatical about it, or so high on their own opinion that everybody else's is trivialized. I also have issues with overly doing politically correctness.

    I grew up in the San Francisco Bay Area; I'm familiar (intimately) with the issues. There are backlashes that are just as detrimental, however.

    And then there are the fanatically stupid. Where I grew up, this can be otherwise labeled as "environmental studies BA degree pursuing wanna-be-hippy UC Santa Cruz feminism"... (not to be confused with environmental degrees that require science courses...). My sister's class (she was a Biology major there) made a big stink about it being sexist and non-PC to call a microphone a "Mike", and circulated a petition to have it called a "Michelle", to show pro-feminism. I'm sorry, but it's called a "Mic" with a hard "i", short for "Microphone". It's a gender-neutral term. Assigning a gender to it, and then making it into a feminism issue, does not make one a feminist; it makes them an out-of-touch-with-reality fanatic.

    It'd be great to meet a woman who can be pro-feminism without being anti-masculinity; and especially without being anti-issue-that-isn't-really-an-issue-as-it-only-exists-in-her-head.

    As far as "rape culture" and femininity, I am continuously disappointed by women in dating profiles who seem to feel they need to attract men by noting they love to fish, watch sports, go mudding, are considered a tomboy, and love to have fun and get drunk; and then all of their photos show a lack of interests in fishing, sports, mudding or being a tomboy (not that any of these qualities actually interest me in a woman, anyway, as I'm disinterested in ANY of the aforementioned activities). They are usually kind enough to show themselves looking plastered, though.

    Perhaps it's because I no longer reside in the SFBA. In the south, getting your date drunk to have sex with her is socially acceptable - even if technically illegal. In the SFBA it's understood by all young men to be rape (or was when I was growing up). I still can't get into this.

    I don't care if you're already having sex, and she seems to be enjoying it; if she changes her mind and says stop, and keep going; in that instance it becomes rape in her mind - even if it isn't in the eyes of the court (as she consented to the initial sex). She still will feel the hurt and betrayal - and then made to feel ashamed, and like it's her own fault for it. Good job, jackass.

    But the idea that all guys evaluate a woman on the same basis, or have no interest in her ideas, is itself sexist. I have been accused of not being masculine enough, because I supported a woman's position. If a guy is that uncomfortable with his sexuality that he needs to attack me for not being his definition of a "real man", that's his issue. I really couldn't care less.

    My ex-gf's current bf doesn't like me, as I physically resemble a guy that raped his ex-gf. He keeps apologizing to me for it. It's pretty obnoxious. I really don't care, honestly.

    It's his issue, not mine.

    Here's a fun question: How many of you watched "Precious", what was your motivation, and what did you think of it (on-topic)?

  • karamel

    I've had my share of "the Sportsman," or "Hunter of feminists." It's my experience that the first red flag is when they get POed about you having a differing opinion...on your social plans. Especially if they don't include him. Even if his invitation is less than 48 hours in advance. Even if you just met him less than a week ago.
    Is it just me, or does the Sportsman always seem WAY TOO YOUNG to be that backward??
    I love it that they still divide the world into "kinds" of girls too.

  • anne

    has anyone out there ever dated punk or ex-punk guys? i'm dating one right now who is not only very feminist (and anit-racist, and just generally radical and enlightened), but very very comfortable with his feminism, to the point where he's more than willing to own up to certain inconsistencies: like, for instance, shaved legs and pits turn his crank, he kind of wishes he wasn't wired that way but he doesn't spend time apologizing for how his libido works, he's just open and honest about it. i chalk up his ability to be feminist without being self-effacing to early radicialization via punk rock, and plenty of time to get comfortable with himself in the context of his political beliefs before being a grown-up in grown-up relationships... people who come to feminism (and other views that challenge mainstream society at large) at later ages are, i think, the ones who aren't so good at it --- the ones who get bent out of shape if you have an opinion, or the ones who can't figure out how to assert their own opinions because they're so afraid of being anti-feminist. feminism takes time and work... and compromise.

  • Tomek Kulesza

    @NoahB "Aw, poor babies.

    Really…I know you’re trying to be constructive, but I hear this sort of thing and I just think, “grow a spine.” If a guy’s so delicate that a little (or a lot of) feminism sends him off into a whiny little fugue of self-pity and fear…well, that’s his problem, not feminism’s."
    Dude, there's so much wrong with what you wrote that i'm not sure where to start.

    You're denigrating men for not buying the patriarchy norms of masculinity, and that's put you right there as patriarchal ally.

    And it's also totally counter-productive and alienating. It's one thing to point male privilege and call out rape culture, and another to blame men as a gender, dismiss and ridicule them.

  • http://lesoldat.tumblr.com cmor

    @anne (and anyone else): This may seem off-topic, but everything I'm talking about here has been problematic at some point in my experience with dating people in the "punk" scene. My partner right now is the most level-headed progressive and supportive man I know, but punk is something I have a love/hate relationship with. More often than not I walk out of shows feeling nothing but alienated and overwhelmed with this weird overload of male-fronted aggression. Especially with a lot of political or otherwise ideological punk (specifically, a lot of straightedge bands I've noticed? You know, the scary guys whose eyes look like they're going to pop out at you when they're screaming at you about your apparently impaired sense of morality). For me, at least, the positive message gets obscured in this male-specific aggression. I don't mind the aggression - at all! I love the energy; always have. But I just can't shake the feeling that if you're a girl into punk, you're either the girl everyone in the bands wants to fuck, or you act like a dude and are otherwise de-sexualized. I don't know if that makes sense...or maybe I just can't get the image of Henry Rollins whining about his privilege to "Slip it In" out of my head. Not to mention this trend of "ironic" racism, sexism, and homophobia, or "mysterious" penchants for Nazism and vaguely offensive (but photocopied enough to be not-so-overtly-offensive) racist/homophobic/sexist imagery. Or the literature punks who heil Henry Miller and feel entitled to reap their privilege because they otherwise identify with something that is "subversive." That's the worst. If anything, within more socially progressive scenes, the whole gender equality thing is the HARDEST for people to grasp.

    End rant.

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  • anon

    "Fucking while feminist presents a peculiar set of challenges for the pro-sex single. How do you talk rape culture on a first date while still managing to get laid once in a while? How do you find the feminist guy who won’t self-flagellate to the point of unfuckability? How do you avoid dying alone, basically? Friedman agreed to talk to me about establishing a feminist fucking litmus test, the art of locating non-douchey sex partners online, and the secret perks of fucking a feminist."

    So pro-sex single = pro-sex straight single? Check your heteronormativity.

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