Celebrate Gay Marriage In D.C. With A Heteronormative Haircut!
City Paper contributor Trey Graham subscribes to Living Social, a Web site that alerts him to daily deals in the D.C. area. Today—the first day that gay couples in D.C. can legally be married—LivingSocial offered Graham a very special discount at Too Hotties Haircuts, an Alexandria-based salon for "manly men" who aren't into all that gay shit. The ad:
We know: You manly men are a little sick of the froufrou salons. All you want is a good hair cut, not a pink-haired Angel razoring your locks and slicking them with 80-dollar "molding cream." So, how about this? $20 for $50 worth of high-class barbershop services from Too Hotties Haircuts—a man-centric salon with massage chairs, an Xbox 360, and plenty of HDTVs. Each haircut ($25) comes with shampoo, cut, style, hot-lather razor neck shave, second shampoo (to get rid of those itchy clippings), and a scalp massage. Also available: a classic shave ($25) with hot towels, citrus mint facial cleanser, shaving oils, and that decadent hot lather; or a haircolor for men ($25), using a "Camo" color that blends away gray in 10 minutes. Lest you ladies feel left out, Too Hotties offers a full line of services for women as well. Our thought: A good deal to double up on. While your highlights are processing, Mr. Perfect can get his shoe's shined ($5), then play a game of pool (free).
THIS SALON IS NOT A GAY SALON. It is a "manly" salon. It is a "man-centric" salon. It is stocked with an X-Box and "plenty" of HDTVs. We can't even count them they're so plentiful! The only thing this salon does not have is some pink-haired dude touching your neck hairs, because that would be gay.
And we're not gay! We're just a couple of dudes, hanging out, applying some decadent hot lather to each other. Don't be shy. Slap on some "haircolor for men"—it's "Camo" colored. Relax with our totally un-homosexual citrus mint facial cleanser. It's manly because there's an X-Box in the room—kind of like how a perfectly straight dude can get together with another dude and "feel the other man’s penis bump up against his own," as long as there's a vaginal wall between them, neutralizing the gayness.
Bring your girlfriends.
Graham, who is gay, was understandably disconcerted by this auspicious gay marriage day greeting, and called LivingSocial to tell them so. Something tells me that today's happy same-sex couples won't be getting their pre-wedding pamper at Too Hotties.