The Sexist

Sexist E-Mails: “Women Don’t Give Nice Guys the Sex They Want”

Readers, I get so many weird e-mails. So far, I've just been letting them accumulate in my in-box, never to be read again—even the ones with the attached shirtless photos. But now, it's purge time.

Some context for our first Sexist e-mail: Six months ago, I wrote a post called "Women And Gay Men Are Sluts," which explained how the sexual double standard—as Jessica Valenti so aptly summarized, "he's a stud, she's a slut"—pretty much goes out the window when gay men are concerned. As I wrotesix months ago—when gay men are sexually promiscuous, they're not considered "studs"—they're decried as bad, immoral, evil sluts, just like us girls.

And now, after all this time, a reader has written in to explain the real sexual double standard to me. In short: Forget about gay guys! Are you aware of the great social problem of straight men being denied sex because they are just too nice?

Why yes, I am aware of this. But I digress:

Concerning your article, 'women and gay men are sluts',

We as humans don't respect or value what is handed to us. We only value what we have worked to acheive. That is probably why you don't feel respected. Nice guys don't get respected because they are too easy. It's the same thing. It's human nature.

It's not like guys are coming out and disrespecting you, calling you a 'slut'. It's probably more that you don't 'feel' respected. Neither nice guys or sluts get respected because they are too easy. And neither get top choice when it comes to a relationship.

The only difference is we actually give sluts what they want, but women don't give nice guys the sex they want. It's ok if you want to be promiscuous, you just have to accept that way of life. You won't get disrespected verbally. Men just won't want to go out with you, that's all. It all depends on what you want..

We only respect or put value on what we have worked to achieve. It makes more sense when you think of it that way..

  • Brennan

    What the . . . really?

    Sorry, I'm trying to compose a coherent response but all I've got is WTFBBQ???!!

  • Jess

    I'm always amused at the brand of logic that goes "this situation I've made up isn't bad at all, so I don't know what you're complaining about!" Women "probably" aren't getting called sluts in real life, so they should just stop complaining because nobody is verbally disrespecting them! I am almost sure that is the case in this fantasy scenario I devised based on zero experience for the sake of making a spurious point!

  • LeftSidePositive

    Have you noticed that a significant portion of those guys that claim, "Girls never want to date me because I'm too nice," actually...AREN'T that nice???

  • Eric

    Aha, well now I know how to be a nice guy:
    1. Call all women who have ever had sex sluts.
    2. Tell sluts that this "sexism" thing is all in their heads.
    3. Whine about how sluts are bad at sex, even though I am so nice to them.
    4. ????
    5. PROFIT!

  • Gnatalby

    Wow, that's some great mansplanation.

    I find that a lot of times people who think something terrible (like: women who have sex are unworthy of respect and, somehow undesirable despite being the object of sexual desire) always think everyone else shares their gross thinking.

    No dude, it's pretty much just you thinking that.

  • jules

    Oh my gosh Amanda. Please please please share more of these. I'm dying for it.

    Also: do you spend all day just laughing your ass off? Probably.

  • Saurs

    "We only respect or put value on what we have worked to achieve. It makes more sense when you think of it that way.."

    Translation: the most monumentally impressive feat a woman can perform is to deny her own sexual desires and remain a virgin for the temporary gratification of A Nice Guy, thereby "earning" his "respect." But only if she spreads when A Nice Guy asks. Otherwise, she's a castrating bitch with a chip on her shoulder, no better than a fucking slut.

  • Saurs

    I also like how your nice guy makes a distinction between women (who categorically "don’t give nice guys the sex they want") and sluts (who "are too easy" and are very fortunate because "we actually give [them] what they want.")

  • Melissa

    "Have you noticed that a significant portion of those guys that claim, “Girls never want to date me because I’m too nice,” actually…AREN’T that nice???"

    So so true.

    Interesting how you never hear ACTUAL nice guys complaining about it, because if/when they WANT girlfriends, they can get them. Crazy world, huh?

  • Martin Quinones

    This argument has always struck me as basically a the easiest way to diagnose someone who operates in complete ignorance of their massively privileged life:

    "I walk around all day being totally fucking awesome, imparting all my important life lessons on women, and yet somehow panties do not drop everywhere I go! SO UNFAIR! It's almost like being Nice isn't enough to have everything just handed to you."

  • seth

    that's it, I'm voting for Sarah Palin.

  • Coleman

    This email is a head-scratcher.

  • chris

    I feel like this e-mail can be summarized as "No they're not."

  • J.D. Hammond

    Ha! I just got someone write a multi-paragraph retort to my Nice Guy Syndrome post months after I wrote it, mansplaining how Nice Guys are just incredibly put upon.

    It took months. I deleted it, of course.

  • Frankie

    Genius! I just LOVE Nice Guys TM. So, if I was being called a slut would I have reason to complain or not, that wasn't clear. In the meantime, what is clear is that how I, as a woman feel isn't important - particularly not when I've brought it on myself by being 'too easy'. How he feels as a 'nice guy' who never gets sex despite working hard for it however, that's really really important. Wah, Wah fucking Wah.

    Sorry, I have little patience with so called nice guys atm. Gah, this sort of thing makes me so angry.

  • цarьchitect

    Where've you been J.D.? It's me against the trad mafia on GGW, now.

    This guy's logic might hold, in that women are made to think that free loving means that they're a slut, so they make it hard to not be seen as a slut, so any man that is able to break down their chastity defenses is indeed accomplishing something and moving up in power while the many shes move down. But somehow that seems like a circular and self-serving game...

  • k

    Chin up, Nice Guy. Just keep on keepin' on with the self-defeatist moping and inability to see women as anything but sexual objects, and I just KNOW one day a magical princess will float into your life on a cloud to break the Madonna-Whore Barrier and complete you. She loves to eat, but never gets a pound heavier; she doesn't wear any makeup, but looks absolutely flawless 24/7; she'll try all kind of sexually adventurous things for you, but would never demand anything whorish from you; she menstruates triple-malt scotch and poops rainbows.

    Don't fret, she's out there somewhere! So remember not to grace any other, imperfect women with your presence or listen to them when they say there are some "things" you could "work on". They aren't worthy of your attention.

  • je di

    In my experience some self-described "nice guys" w/ their "finish last" pouting have a very low moral bar on what constitutes a nice guy. Just because a man doesn't beat, rape & overtly verbally abuse women does not make him a nice guy. Anyone who thinks that way must not have a very high opinion of men. @Saurs I loved your translation! -j

  • Melanie

    That's right if you don't have to "work" for you man to stop beating you, insulting you, or raping you..... how will you appreciate the break when you get it?

  • claire fuller

    This was one of the best reads I've found on The Sexist so far, with the comments that is.

    I've been thinking about fat talk lately, trying to figure out how to deal with it when women I know start talking about how they are unattractive and fat, sometimes flippantly but more often with incredible sadness and shame to be admitting they have so much self-hate. I am trying to come up with a subversive jingle or rap that will call them out on it in a way that isn't confrontational.

    Once I succeed at that, I will take on another, related phenomenon I've noticed that I call "bad talk." I actually hear this more often from women I know. It is basically moral rather than physical self-deprication, but another manifestation of women not feeling "good enough", ever.

    I bring it up because "nice guy" outlines the sexist catch-22 of ethical female sexual conduct quite nicely. -- if you have sex, you are a whore (read bad), and if you do not have sex you are denying good men what they want and hurting their "feelings" (read bad).

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