The Sexist

Give Me Your Best Relationship-Ending Lines

The Relationship-Ending Line: The statement uttered by your boyfriend or girlfriend, casual hook-up or spouse, longtime crush or friend-with-benefits, after which nothing between you could ever be the same. The Relationship-Ending Line is the moment that it becomes clear—whether immediately after the phrase exits your partner's lips, or in retrospect after years of denial—that this relationship simply wasn't meant to be. Observe:

It could come before the relationship even begins: "My favorite book is The Fountainhead."

It could come in the middle of a blow job: "Swallow my man custard."

It could preempt sexual contact entirely: "Hey, bring those roast beef curtains over here."

It could come 30 years into your marriage: "The ceremony would be held on a rooftop in New York and the Dave Matthews Band would make an appearance."

Give me the best Relationship-Ending Line you've heard, throw in a little context, and if you've got the saddest/funniest entry, I'll ship you out a copy of Babeland's new sex-positive how-to, "Moregasm: Babeland's Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex."

File your relationship-enders in the comments or e-mail them to me here (if you comment, make sure to leave a valid e-mail address where I can reach you). Extra points awarded for dramatic irony.

  • memories….

    High School -- hot boy from nearby famed all-boys school asks me to a school dance... I am thrilled! Formal attire or semi-formal, I ask? Formal is the reply...

    His best friend and he rent a limo, pick up their respective dates -- both of us excited and looking smashing in our formal gowns. Enter dance: not another gown in the room. The other girl and I spent half of the night in the ladies room commiserating and avoiding our dates.

    Same Night, on the way home: my date's best friend has managed to convince his date to a make-out session in the limo. I refused. The Stones come on the radio, and my date starts passive-aggressively singing along: "I can't get no... satisfaction"

    Worst date ever.

  • memories….

    "I don't read fiction... I mean, what's the point?"

    That was a deal breaker right from the start.

  • memories….

    Last one:

    Was chatting on-line with a guy soon after our first night together, and we were planning our next date. Totaly out of the blue, he sends this zinger: "I just want to suck your big t**s while you ride by hard c**k". I tried to laugh it off as a poor attempt at sexy teasing, but he sent it twice more during the chat.


    Needless to say, that next date? Not so much.

  • memories….

    OK, one more... how could I have forgotten?!

    This was my first serious boyfriend (late high school through two years of college), and I consider him the biggest bullet I ever dodged.

    His mother would fix him breakfast in the mornings, and when he sat down she would pull a blanket fresh from the dryer and wrap him in it to keep him warm while he ate.... Aw, HELL no!

  • Typical DC BS

    Former girlfriend in college after being caught cheating on me: "I never lied to you, I just didn't tell you the truth."

  • Anne

    him: But I love you! Our love is like a tree, we just have to tend to it and water it and let it grow again.

    her: Our love is like that tree in your front yard that got struck by lightning: it's never going to grow again.

  • rorawks

    Ind the midst of a really terrible blow-job, he pulls off just to say...
    "I am going to break your heart."

    Really?!? My heart remained intact.

  • Mrs. D

    So, I wasn't sure that I should post this, but here goes...

    Within 5 minutes of the beginning of a first date:

    "So there are a few things I should tell you. First, I have Klinefelter's syndrome (I'm a huge geek and actually knew what that was), and so I'm infertile." This part is not that big of a deal as I don't want kids anyway, but is probably not info you want to share within a few minutes of going on a first date with someone you met less than a week before. "I'm also bald, this is a toupee." Okay...what else could you be hiding, oh wait, I know... "And finally, I'm 8 years older than I originally said I was. I get told I look young all the time so I just ACTUALLY lie about it so I don't get ACCUSED of lying." Emphasis added, as his "fake" age was already 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. So his logic was that women his own age accuse him of lying when he says he's as old as he is, but rather than lie to THEM and go out with THEM, he lies to someone 18 years younger than himself, because, consistency or something. RIIIIIIIIIGHT.

  • memories….

    APPENDED: Just realized I didn't include the Relationship-Ending Line!

    OK, one more… how could I have forgotten?!

    This was my first serious boyfriend (late high school through two years of college), and I consider him the biggest bullet I ever dodged.

    His mother would fix him breakfast in the mornings, and when he sat down she would pull a blanket fresh from the dryer and wrap him in it to keep him warm while he ate….

    The context is bad enough (what self-respecting woman raises a son this way?!), but upon revealing this set-up to me with obvious pride in his voice, he says: "She really knows how to treat me right"

    Aw, HELL no!

  • not crazy enough

    In college, I'd been dating this girl for a few months and she tells me one day "You're the only emotionally stable guy I've ever dated and I just don't know how to deal with that."

  • Josie

    He said: "I found a spider under the sink, and I was so scared I left the cabinet door open and ran all the way to the porch. I made the housekeeper kill it."

  • mdesus

    Almost forgot about this one.
    Second College girlfriend. We'd been dating for about 5 months. Her grandfather dies mid semester and so she goes back home to be with her family. From day one she starts sending me this weird rambling emails that have a fair bit of erotica mixed with intimate family details. I try to take it in stride as a) I'm a fan of erotica b) her gramps just passed, and I know how tangled emotional responses are. Then after a few days she starts sending me photos of her deceased pappy ostensibly because he looked strikingly like me when he was younger (it really was uncanny). The day she comes back to university she unloads this one on me. "My grandfather sexually abused me when I was younger. I never told anyone, but I'm pretty certain that's why we're dating."

  • rebekah manning

    my boyfriend of 4 years walks into my room the day after I have nose surgery to fix my septum which was screwed up because his best friend's girlfriend threw a softball at my face, and proceeds to inform me that he doesn't think we can date anymore because "Your ugly nose made me not like women anymore Michael and I are now dating" Yeah loved that.
    My latest boyrfriend broke up with me because "I don't need girls when I have linux"

  • Sarah

    Hmm..I had a few really bad ones from my days but the best was from the boyfriend I lived with for 2 years. "I dont want to break up, but can we start only seeing each other on weekends?".

    Here are some winners...
    Within 5 minutes of meeting: "I cant have a beer with dinner because I have a breathalizer in my car"

    Another guy, at our 1st and only dinner: "I was with my last girlfriend for a year...but we only had sex like 3 times. I took her out to eat a lot though and watched her kid on the weekends"

    And another on our coffee date..."I know your probablly want to have kids, so I want to be upfront. I've had a vasectomy. (He was 28).

  • Andrea

    Lets be friends.

  • Melanie

    He called me up with his NEW girlfriend on the other phone (same line). They proceeded to tell me TOGETHER what was so wrong with me, that he had to break up with me.

  • Dawn

    "I have three balls" turned me off. But the real winner was the guy who, in mid-action (ahem) said, "None of the other girls I sleep with let me do (whatever action)." We'd been "exclusive" for six months at the time. Ugh.

  • Benjamin

    "I've got tickets to see Three Days Grace."

  • cw

    A friend of a friend had just moved to my town. We started hanging out on not-sure-if-this-is-a-date dates. I was semi-interested until he explained over dinner: "I'll admit that it took years for me to realize that intelligence is an attractive quality on a woman. It's just that I haven't really met that many women who are both smart *and* feminine -- like you."

  • Lara

    My good friend T was dating this chick for 2 years. They were that REALLY annoying couple; did everything together, spoke in the 'we' tense, called each other incessantly, even lived together. The chick used to all the time say things like, 'I can't wait 'til we're married'.

    So T drops out of college so he can work full time to buy her a ring.
    He shows up with the ring to propose, and she looks at him after 2 years of this and says, "Why?". So T said, "Because we love each other and you said you wanted to get married".

    Her response?
    "I didn't know we were in love! I thought we were just doing it!".

    He closed the box, got back into his car, and deleted her number.

  • Lauren

    Boyfriend of 2 years on Valentine's Day: "You know how there's always a best man at a wedding? Well I'd want you to be mine."

    Um, excuse me?? I was kind of thinking I'd be the BRIDE...

  • Occam

    FYI I'm queer.This was spoken to me by a guy I was sleeping with but not dating.

    "I don't know how things go in your grils relationships, but in straight relationships the girl always pays for her own birth control."

    See ya.

  • Derek

    High school. I'd dated this girl for almost 2 years. A bit after our first anniversary, she says she wants to be get back in touch with God. I say, Okay. She tells me she wants me to, as well (I'd been practically a life-long atheist to this point). In my naivety, I go along with it. I wear a cross and I'm adamant about praying every night--I don't really know what else to do. After about five months, I decided it wasn't my thing, and two months after that, on one of our daily phone calls,
    "I don't think you're trying hard enough. I really want to have a husband who's close to God so we can bring our children up properly."

    I ended it the next day.

  • katie

    I have a large number of these. A sampling.

    Guy who followed me into a coffee shop in Boston, sat down next to me at the counter, looked over and said "Did you ever see that movie where a guy follows a girl into a coffee shop and turns out to be an axe murderer?"

    There was the crazy New Orleansian who told me (having recently met me) that "when we got married I could do whatever I liked as long as I didn't smoke crack."

    The truly crazy guy who had a crush on me who showed up at my door with two full grocery bags of a wide variety of meats - I was a vegetarian at the time - so I could "learn how to cook meats." He later informed me that I would be moving to Iowa with him to live with him on his (purely theoretical) farm. That...never happened.

    There have been more, but those are the real standouts.

  • ChristinaM33

    #1--first guy I ever slept with: "You can be my mistress when I marry my fiance."

    #2--when caught coming on to my best friend (and his best friend's girlfriend) literally physically behind my back: "But...we're not exclusive."

    #3--"My sister would never tolerate me dating you." (Shades of Magenta and Riff Raff, ya think?)

    #4--and for the redneck I'm currently divorcing, there isn't enough room on the internet for all of them. /sigh/ 19 years worth but I was determined.

  • k

    On a coffee date: He was telling me about how he played basketball in high school, which was pretty interesting to me because he grew up in Hungary and I didn't know basketball was popular there. And then out pops this gem:

    "Yeah every player on our team was a really big deal in school, I could just tell any girl in the whole school that I wanted to fuck her and she would be ready to go!"

    ... good job, I guess?

  • Gine

    I was going to Busch Gardens with my date, who wanted to take his 6yo with us. So, at the last minute, we run by his ex-girlfriend's home to pick up his son. But ex-gf points out that his son's cousins are visiting from out of town, so son can't go. Date takes 6yo to the side and tells him, "I WAS going to take you to Busch Gardens, but your mother says you can't go." Son cries till he throws up, date leaves son at home, and COMES BACK TO THE CAR TO TELL ME EVERY DETAIL, adding, "She won't keep my son from ME again."

    Yes. That SHOULD have been the end of the relationship. . . .

  • ChristinaM33

    @Gine, I'm so sorry. That's criminal. I hope the boy turned out okay despite that idiot.

    Thought of some for the soon-to-be-ex, all recent:

    Maybe the ending one was the other day when he said, "You're just unbelievable." when he dropped our son off an hour early knowing I had company.

    Or maybe it was telling me that he didn't care if I lived or died except as there would be no one to pick our son up from after school.

    Or maybe it was telling me that "we" are filing for divorce as soon as "we" can afford it, on Valentine's Day, in a conversation about how he and and his new girlfriend (meth head chic he picked up in a biker bar in December) are 'serious' and then trying to play off that 'we' meant him and I.

    Or maybe it was texting me every 5 minutes all afternoon Sunday, after I said, "I have company" and then texting me some more to apologize for bothering me when I have company.

  • Lisa

    My marriage was failing and I decided to look for fun online. A guy who read my blog made a serious play. Being relatively shallow, I asked for a photo. He sent me one of him and another woman (not his wife) and explained that she meant nothing to him and was simply some woman he hung out with during some company outing, but cut loose "gently" at the end of the day.

    He wrote: "It's kind of this catch and release program for women I have...."

    I had the audacity to think I'd be different. The joke was on me.

  • ACG

    I gave a swing for a few months, and I wouldn't give those months back for anything, because they were the source of more unintentional comedy than I could have hoped for. The best was the guy now referred to as The Riddler. Admittedly, I was already in the process of unloading him (because he was just kind of a negligent douche, and I had other things to do with my time), and he said:

    "I'm aloof and enigmatic, and that bothers you."

    Ye-ah. Y'know, dude, if you have to tell me you're aloof and enigmatic, you're probably doin it rong. That's like renting a billboard to let people know you're shy and withdrawn.

  • Katherine

    I met a guy online, and though he struck me as awkward, he seemed polite and decent, so I agreed to meet him for coffee. Our conversation wasn't flowing well-- every few minutes it would hit a lull, at which point he would explicitly announce that he was going to use a new conversation-starter.

    So after a while, we ended up talking about sci-fi and time travel, of all things. Trying to be agreeable and go along with it, I said, "Actually, I've been thinking about time machines a bit lately." What I meant was that I'd been thinking about how I'd like to be able to go back in time and prevent a recent unpleasant situation in my life.

    But before I could explain this, his immediate response to my comment was, "Oh, really? Have you drawn up any schematics?"

    Dude *asked me if I'd come up with blueprints for a time machine*. Poor guy. That was our only date.

  • HopeSpringsAturtle

    Almost everything she said when we weren't having sex.

  • Lucy

    I came home one day and this gal I'd been seeing for about 8 months was sitting at my kitchen table eating a giant pickled pigs foot. I was so grossed out by the sight of that, only to have her exclaim "there's one in the fridge for you."

  • 20-something

    Text messages like this that come from out of the blue, from a guy:
    "I'm bored. So do you want to hang out?"

    "So, do you want to do something today?" on Valentine's Day

  • Graves

    The end of my very first relationship.

    It was my birthday, I'd booked a venue in town and got a mate to DJ, so there we all were- chatting and dancing and drinking. Cake was involved. I get up to go to the toilet and one of my then-boyfriend's friends stops me, telling me I really don't want to see what's in there.

    How bad could it be? I think, assuming he just means the sink is leaking or one of the two toilets is blocked. No, what it actually turned out to be was my then-boyfriend getting a blowjob from a drag queen.

    ... sometimes, you don't need actual *words* to end a relationship.

  • Lily

    Just remembered another one, from the first guy I ever slept with. It was a moderately painful experience for me, and I let out a sort of whimper, accompanied by a wince and a series of whispered "ow"s. Why I don't know, but I felt compelled to apologize for it, to which he responded:

    "Don't be sorry! It's cute!"

    Apparently my expression of the pain he was DIRECTLY CAUSING ME was just ADORABLE. So, you know, that was also the ONLY time we had sex.

  • PA

    The day after a drunken hook-up I woke up to the guy in bed with me staring at me. After a few seconds he said, with a kind of confused curiosity, "Who are you?"

    This, ladies and gentlemen, could be the one moment where honesty doesn't trump faking it. Then, I had a hard time deciding between being embarrassed, being slightly offended or cracking up. But when I think about it now, hilarity always wins out.

    (and there was only the one time)

  • AmJean

    This was from my first boyfriend as I was trying to break it off.

    "God told me you are going to be my wife... So you can't break up with me.
    It would be against gods plan."

    I was 16! Never spoke to him again

  • the only virgin in college

    this is the one that I always seem to use. this one, in some form or another has effectively ruined every chance I've ever had of occupying the attention of certain someones for more than a week.

    "no no. I think you ARE VERY pretty. I just like to really get to know people first..."

    in college, this is apparently a frightening statement.

    I blame Cosmo.

  • Rebecca

    I have a few from my exhusband..

    After we married, I was told about him fathering a child w/ his sister in law.. and yes, she was still married to his brother, and of course he lied about it for 5 years. On the day he called to tell me he wanted to work our marriage out, I asked him to tell me the honest truth, no matter how bad it hurt.. I asked did you father this child... No was his reply.. I said would you like to tell the truth now, as I have the paternity test in my purse.. Yes, I fathered the child.. What an effin douchebag right??

    Wait, wait for it!! This is even better....

    2 mths after that, my exhusband calls and says, I need help w/ some medication, can you help me pay for it?? I ask because I still care at the time, what is it for?? He tells me... He has chlamydia and gonorrhea, the only thing I could do was laugh my ass off, and tell him I hope it fell off... Talk about laughing for weeks.. I knew I was so done at that point!