The Sexist

Give Me Your Best Relationship-Ending Lines

Moregasm
The Relationship-Ending Line: The statement uttered by your boyfriend or girlfriend, casual hook-up or spouse, longtime crush or friend-with-benefits, after which nothing between you could ever be the same. The Relationship-Ending Line is the moment that it becomes clear—whether immediately after the phrase exits your partner's lips, or in retrospect after years of denial—that this relationship simply wasn't meant to be. Observe:

It could come before the relationship even begins: "My favorite book is The Fountainhead."

It could come in the middle of a blow job: "Swallow my man custard."

It could preempt sexual contact entirely: "Hey, bring those roast beef curtains over here."

It could come 30 years into your marriage: "The ceremony would be held on a rooftop in New York and the Dave Matthews Band would make an appearance."

Give me the best Relationship-Ending Line you've heard, throw in a little context, and if you've got the saddest/funniest entry, I'll ship you out a copy of Babeland's new sex-positive how-to, "Moregasm: Babeland's Guide to Mind-Blowing Sex."

File your relationship-enders in the comments or e-mail them to me here (if you comment, make sure to leave a valid e-mail address where I can reach you). Extra points awarded for dramatic irony.

Comments

  1. #1

    This one happened to my best friend.

    She was in the middle of *trying* to break up with her loser boyfriend, and he said: "but I have a notebook under my bed filled with reasons why we should be together!"

  2. #2

    "Who's phone number is this?" Worlds end.

  3. #3

    I was totally about to chew you guys out for insulting Dave Matthews Band, but then I read the link. THAT explains why Stefan said on Twitter that they don't do weddings (or, at least, that they would never have performed at that one)!

    I don't have a horrible line. Not even a made-up one.

  4. #4

    Here's my top relationship ending line, from a guy I went out with one time (and just that one time) in college. This was a guy I'd had a crush on from afar in high school. He was kind of a hipster and I was extremely bookish and shy. We met later in college and he asked me out. I was ecstatic.

    On what turned out to be our only date, he came out with this gem as we walked on campus past a Take Back the Night rally.

    "When women rally like that, they alienate all the men who aren't rapists. I mean, when women act like everyone's out to rape them, it makes most good guys just wanna give up on being decent, you know?"

    I told him that, unfortunately, a remark like that made it sound like he'd never really been too decent in the first place, so he probably didn't need to worry. I then told him goodnight and never hung out with him again.

  5. #5

    @Katie: That's hilarious. That line's got my vote for funniest so far.

  6. #6

    In response to me asking if he was still in love with me: "What? Why??"

  7. #7

    @Partaria: I KNOW. What I wouldn't give to see that notebook...

  8. #8

    On a second date he told me a story about having sex with a previous girlfriend and her moving in a way that hurt his penis. The story ended with the line, "And so I locked her out of the house naked for the rest of the night."

    I wish I could say I gathered my things and got the hell out of there, but I was young and stupid so I finished the date and didn't return any of his subsequent phone calls.

  9. #9

    first girlfriend. 6th grade. Was convinced by friends that she wasn't cool enough. Called her up, and left a message on her parents answering machine, "Leana, this is Max, and I just wanted to say welcome to dumpsville population you." I think I stole it from a simpsons episode.

  10. #10

    8th grade. My then boyfriend had his best friend call and inform me that: "[name redacted] says "you're fired."

  11. #11

    It's not exactly unique, but it's one of those things you don't think people actually say.

    From a friend I had an enormous crush on, while we were both in college: "Oh, I was just talking about you the other day; we were talking about guys we would date and you came up because I was thinking about how I really should have a crush on you, but I just don't! Like you're so great in so many ways and I really like you, but I just... DON'T! Isn't that weird?"

    :-(

  12. #12

    I was having a conversation with my boyfriend of 3 years. He tried to tell me that the amount of gay men in the world is on the rise because of women taking oral contraceptives. He believed women were peeing out extra estrogen which made it into the water supply and made men gay. He made it worse by telling me he believed this to be true because his father, "a Mensa member," told him.

    That was the aha moment when I thought to myself, You are not the one for me.

  13. #13

    I have a few of these.

    1. A guy at a bar approached me and asked if we could get to know each other better. I said okay, and asked him what the last book he read was. He thought about it for about 20 seconds and then said, "The Celestine Prophecy!"

    2. After a pleasant enough hook-up encounter with a pretty cute boy, he propped himself up on his elbow, looked me in the eye and said, "You're not so tough now, are you?"

    3. After one of those "is this going anywhere or isn't it???" type of relationships, I directly asked the guy in question what was going on and he explained to me that when he was younger, he went to a strip club and fell madly in love with a go go dancer (he said "go go dancer") and now, as a result, he was emotionally incapable of having a serious relationship with anyone who did not have a "go go dancer's body."

    And finally...

    4. I went out on a few dates with this weird paramilitary punk rocker guy, and one night, we spent the night at my place. As I was driving him home the next morning, he told me that I probably wouldn't be seeing him for a little while. I asked him why not, and he told me that when he was serving in the Army and stationed in Korea, he had met a woman who would be coming to the United States the following week so they could get married. He then offered to call me so we could go out again after things settled down a little bit with his domestic life.

    I just laughed, stopped the car where we were, and told him to get the hell out and walk the rest of the way home. He was adamantly opposed to women's reproductive autonomy (although he did quail a little when I told him I was glad to hear it because I thought I might be pregnant and wanted to keep the baby (I was lying)), plus weird paramilitary punk rockers are not really my type, so it was no big loss.

  14. #14

    "rotisserie chicken is on sale at safeway"

    i was like really? you didnt show up on this date with your A game now did you?

    ....that was it.... to this day we still joke about it. :-)
    xoxo

  15. #15

    This happened to my friend. This is on a first date. He says, "Women cannot be funny. It's just not their thing. They should give up. You know why they can't be funny? Because they never had to be". My friend says, "Watch me" and walks out of the coffee place. The guy calls her back after 10 minutes saying, "Now I get the joke".

  16. #16

    Here's another one that I just remembered (good thing I've got an appointment with my therapist coming up this week). A guy I'd had a huge crush on for like EVER invited me to go to the racetrack with him for beers and mutual betting. Sounds like a pretty fun first date, right? So there I am, looking all cute, totally excited to be out with this guy that I had been crushing on when he looks at me over the beers he just bought us and said, "I wanted to bring you out so I could ask for your advice about [a mutual friend of ours]. I seriously think I'm falling in love with her, but she's engaged, and I don't know how to approach her."

  17. #17

    Not sure if this qualifies as a "1-hitter quitter" but on a first date with this girl, she pretty much rolled out in one night that she was broke with no prospects and currently taking medications for her bi-polar disorder. I automatically realized that although a relationship with her would not be possible, it would probably be a cinch to get her into bed. We ended up making out back at her house, which eventually led to her giving me head. Mid-slob, she stops and mentions that she can't continue for reasons she would care not too disclose. I immediately guessed that she had some sort of STD/STI. My first guess was herpes and she confirmed it for me. She proceeded to state that she had never gotten an outbreak, which I responded by asking, "Are you taking Valtrex?" She replied, "Naw, I couldn't afford that anymore so I’m taking something cheaper." No more words were exchanged and I promptly zipped up my pants and politely excused myself from her house.

  18. #18

    @Universal Em: Karma for the "it would probably be a cinch to get her into bed" thought process.

  19. #19

    @Another Jenny: Oh my god. I thought I had some good stories but you make all my ex's sound like nice guys.

  20. #20

    Oh I got one. I was still dating the guy that I was with when I graduated high school, but I realized before I left that he was an absolute loser. Why I didn't break up with him before I went away is a mystery.

    So anywhoo, when he came to visit me, I realized how disgusted I was with him and had no interest in him touching me at all. So I told him, "We can't have sex anymore. I've found Jesus."

    If he were smart he would have caught that lie, as we continuously got sloppy drunk the entire time he was there.

  21. #21

    On a first date, in response to the question "What's your best quality?" (He asked first, I was just being polite) The guy answered "That I am very inspirational." I thought he was joking, but he explained to me that his life philosophy was based of the power of positive thinking, a la The Secret, and that he had taught others to harness this great power. I guess he was pretty inspirational after all because I was inspired to never call him again.

  22. #22

    @TJ: That's kind of genius. I'm in a similar situation. I'm totally gonna use that line.

  23. #23

    (I am a huge nerd. This was in high school.)

    I said, "We're differently nerdy, you know. You really prefer fantasy and I'm more into sci fi." He said, "That's not true; I love Star Wars." I said, "Well Star Wars is really just fantasy that happens to be set in space. It's not about man's relationship to technology, or a comment on modern society, or any of those sci fi themes. It's a space opera. It's the Hero Cycle, that Joseph Campbell thing. Very much a fantasy, especially in the context of George Lucas's influences."

    And then he YELLED at me, YELLED, that I had no idea what I was talking about and obviously didn't even understand what sci fi WAS and that he couldn't BELIEVE I would say that and HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ HEINLEIN!!!!!

    And then I realized that if he cared more passionately about, like, R2-D2 than my feelings, in combination with the poor personal hygiene, it really wasn't worth it.

  24. #24

    Lily FTW. I could so fall for Another Jenny.

  25. #25

    Just wanted to say that I really hate the "I don't want to start anything right now" line. What did you think you were doing when you wanted to see me three nights a week, no sex involved?

  26. #26

    Lily, You are my new hero.

  27. #27

    oh, i have two!

    1. i was young, dumb, and dating a guy who has previously uttered such gems as "when i think of women, i think of sundresses and lemonade". the best though, was during our first time hanging out at the pool, he seriously requested that i "turn all the way around and let him see if i pass inspection". and i was so naive (16) that i felt proud when he said that i had...ugh!

    2. while having a drink with a older, foreign professor, who was obviously trying to be more than a professor, he asked me "do you have anyone to read you love poetry?"

  28. #28

    A couple of years ago I had, ill-advisedly, dated a rifle-loving, meat-eating, bootstraps-evangelizing Baptist from Louisiana. I was raised secular and have been a vegan atheist for about as long as I've been a sentient human being and, needless to say, don't know what I was thinking. He was short, red-headed, a crazy firecracker of a dude. He liked rough sex, video games, and bicycles, which were the only reasons we stayed together.

    I knew the relationship was over when he uttered one evening: "You know, I think I like you because you look exactly like my mom."

    Freud's ashes probably heard the stampeding of my feet all the way from London.

  29. #29

    When having a vaguely intellectual discussion about gender inequalities in politics, relationships etc:

    "Yes, but do we really need equality?"

    Nuff said. Should have walked out.

  30. #30

    Come to think of it, was on a recent date with someone hen he commented on all the "Asians running around campus," then called them names that I didn't think other human beings uttered. I walked out without saying a work, and he texted me to ask if he could see me again.

  31. #31

    "You're like a shiny Christmas present that I was really proud of and showed off to everyone, and after a while you stopped being shiny."

    I dated that loser for 2 years... and kept dating him for about 3 months after he said that. I should have known! When I FINALLY ended it, I guess he realized that I *AM* pretty fucking shiny, because he started doing creeper things like driving by my house really slow, waiting for me on my front doorstep, etc etc etc for several months. I finally confronted him and told him to GTFO my life. He complied.

  32. #32

    I had been dating this really douchey guy for like a year and half for reasons still surpassing understanding, but he had recently decided that he "wasn't sure" if he wanted to be together anymore. At a party at his friend's house where we were both trashed I confronted him by saying, "I like you more than you like me." And he said, "That's okay." I cried all the way home as he refused to come in with me and the next day claimed to not remember what happened. We broke up a couple days later.

  33. #33

    Thank god, BTW.

  34. #34

    During a relationship: "No, tell me what you really think of my new band."

  35. #35

    Immediately after late night sex, in the bedroom of an on-again/off-again type:

    "So do you want to take a blanket for the sofa?"

  36. #36

    Before potential boffing: "So I'm really into tantric sex...."

  37. #37

    After I told him I wasn't looking for anything serious: "I think you are just having really strong feelings for me and it is making you afraid. Just come here."

  38. #38

    I had been seeing this woman for a couple months, and after a lovely weekend at her place, over a truly relaxing, nice Sunday breakfast, we were talking about plans, wants, and that sort of thing. She asked how many children I wanted. I immediately said 'zero', and it became the new topic of conversation, is a sort of weird, aggressive tone. After I explained that I have known I don't want kids since I was old enough to think rationally about it, and she said "that's OK. I'll change your mind."

    And that was it for us. About a month later, I finally got around to having the vasectomy I'd been thinking about for years.

  39. #39

    Looking back, a few stand out:

    1. A recent first date. I asked him his favorite book.

    "I don't read."

    "You don't have a favorite book?"

    "No. I honestly can't think of the last book I've read. I just don't read. It's boring."

    2. Dating an older Spanish man, during my year abroad. We're at his apartment and talking (all in Spanish), after having made-out. He asks:

    "I was wondering, say we date for awhile, do you think you could love me?"

    "What?! I don't know!"

    "Well, say you fall in love with me, do you think we could get married? Maybe you could live here."

    "WHAT?!"

    "Well, say we get married. Do you think you could have my children?"

    I responded by crying, I was so stunned. It was over pretty quickly after that.

    3. The ultimate deal breaker.

    After having sex all night with a friend, specifically a sexy foreign exchange student from Brazil, we're lying in bed. He tells me:

    "You should meet my roommate! His name is Fred. He's really nice and cool!"

    Yes, I would love to meet your roommate. That would be fine. Just as we're about to go grab some breakfast, he stops me.

    "You have to meet Fred!"

    He pulls his teddy bear down from a shelf.

    "This is Fred!"

    He then makes me shake Fred's hand. Yeah, really. The end.

  40. #40

    I was dating a boy and we went to New York. My mother had never been to NY and it had been several years for his mother, so they accompanied us. While touring NY, we realized we would be late for our play if we didn't hurry back to the hotel to get changed immediately. At the moment, there were no yellow taxis and out of concern for safety, my mother refused to ride in one of the non-union taxis. This...boy...turns to my mother and screams "fuck you and see you ever make it to the goddammit hotel in time." He then storms off, leaving his mother (who was in pain from the walking at this point) to chase after him.

    Needless to say, he got a new hotel room.

  41. #41

    1. Late high school. About two weeks after our first date/makeout session/declarations of couplehood, we were sitting in his basement as I watched him play videogames (this is before I learned about "self respect" and realized I didn't HAVE to do this..). He turns to me (DEAD SERIOUS) and says "You know, D, now that you're my girlfriend, I should really tell you about my plans to stockpile weapons in preparation for the zombie apocalypse...".

    Another quote from this prince: "Why would a man have a problem killing a hooker he doesn't know?"

    2. From a boyfriend of 2+ years: "I care more about my World of Warcraft character than you."

    3. "I don't understand what they do [at that support and discussion group for women in engineering at University]. Sit around and talk about their periods, or something."

  42. #42

    OH, I have a couple more.

    4. "As a woman, I don't think you can ever really appreciate the music of Bruce Springsteen." (this isn't EXACTLY a relationship ender...I got back with the speaker of this gem a couple years later, after he disavowed and apologized for this remark. It's kind of an in-joke between us now.)

    5. "If you were to get pregnant, I wouldn't want you to take care of it. I'd just feel funny about it, after all it would have come from me." This one was egregious because it came shortly after "I believe in father's rights" and a couple hours after "I know you can't tolerate birth control, but I don't wanna wear a condom because they feel funny."

  43. #43

    I started datIng a boy the day before my hIgh school graduatIon. I dIdn't thInk It was serIous, but he declared love ImmedIately and I was too young to see the bIg red flag there. We dated for a year, through a pregnancy scare and other drama, and he broke up wIth me on our fIrst annIversary. I wasn't actually upset about the breakup -- I knew we wouldn't last -- but I was annoyed by hIs tImIng. When I asked why on earth he'd pIck that day to break up, he apologIzed, saId he hadn't realIzed It was our annIversary, and offered to get back together and break up tomorrow Instead. No, just no.

  44. #44

    In the wee hours of the morning, a friend called me desperate for company. I drove about an hour to go see him. When I got there, we fooled around a little and went to sleep. The next morning, I offered him sex, and his reply was "I can't, I have a WoW raid in an hour. Wanna watch me play?"

    That was over 2 years ago. He still doesn't understand why I stopped taking his calls.

  45. #45

    I was going out with this guy for a year.

    One night:
    Him (via text message): Can I see you tonight?
    Me: Of course.

    (about an hour later)
    He pulls up in his car. I get in.
    Him: So I think I would just be happier if we weren't together.
    Me: What??
    Him:....
    Me: Seriously? Is that it? That's all?
    Him: Well...I think so, yeah.

    So I get out of the car about 2 minutes after entering it, and 90 seconds of that was silence.

  46. #46

    this should have been a 'dealbreaker' but for reasons known only to the goddess of women who do really stupid things for years but had 2 beautiful children:

    picture this, candlelight dinner at home, nice music, great food. i give my live-in an antique wedding ring to commemorate our one year anniversary of living together and he says, 'this makes me glad i stopped sleeping with (name of my socalled friend here) six months ago.'

  47. #47

    Me and a guy I'd been seeing for a couple weeks (both white, which becomes relevant later) were playing grabass on the way to his car. I was, at that moment, (with obvious laughter/smiles) playing keep away. Random hispanic dude walking down the street calls out (again, with an obvious smile on his face), "Hey, treat her like a lady." Yeah, it was out of left field, but the tone made it clear it was well intentioned and not remotely threatening.

    My soon to be former guy loses the smile and calls back, "Shut up you f***ing spic."

    I guess he just hadn't had the opportunity before then to show me what an unbalanced racist he was. The cherry on top was how, when I was like, "Uh, WTF was that?",
    he went off on me shouting that I better not tell him what he could say. But he had me at spic.

    Seriously though, I didn't know people even used that slur in real life.

  48. #48

    First date (same guy - I had met him at a party a couple of nights before, didn't really know him):

    1) [I am really tall, and he had just commented that I was a fair bit taller than him] "You know, there is one place where height doesn't matter..."

    2) at the movie, I ripped my nail, and briefly mentioned it. He grabbed my hand, looked at my nails and said "you have beautiful nails - I would love to feel them scratching down my back"

    eeeeew. I was young enough, though, not to know how to get out of the rest of the date, so had to sit through it (and get mauled at the end - was like kissing a slug).

  49. #49

    On a first date (that lasted way too long)

    "I just finished reading this awesome book -- I'd loan it to you. It's by this guy Tucker Max."

    No joke.

  50. #50

    My high school boyfriend dumped me right before graduation with no explanation. Later we did get together so he could explain why. He started with "you don't really love me. You just think you do, but you can only really love one person ever," and ended with "I broke up with you because you're a bitch. And all your friends think you're a bitch but they're too afraid of you to tell you."

  51. #51

    High School -- hot boy from nearby famed all-boys school asks me to a school dance... I am thrilled! Formal attire or semi-formal, I ask? Formal is the reply...

    His best friend and he rent a limo, pick up their respective dates -- both of us excited and looking smashing in our formal gowns. Enter dance: not another gown in the room. The other girl and I spent half of the night in the ladies room commiserating and avoiding our dates.

    Same Night, on the way home: my date's best friend has managed to convince his date to a make-out session in the limo. I refused. The Stones come on the radio, and my date starts passive-aggressively singing along: "I can't get no... satisfaction"

    Worst date ever.

  52. #52

    "I don't read fiction... I mean, what's the point?"

    That was a deal breaker right from the start.

  53. #53

    Last one:

    Was chatting on-line with a guy soon after our first night together, and we were planning our next date. Totaly out of the blue, he sends this zinger: "I just want to suck your big t**s while you ride by hard c**k". I tried to laugh it off as a poor attempt at sexy teasing, but he sent it twice more during the chat.

    Really?

    Needless to say, that next date? Not so much.

  54. #54

    OK, one more... how could I have forgotten?!

    This was my first serious boyfriend (late high school through two years of college), and I consider him the biggest bullet I ever dodged.

    His mother would fix him breakfast in the mornings, and when he sat down she would pull a blanket fresh from the dryer and wrap him in it to keep him warm while he ate.... Aw, HELL no!

  55. #55

    Former girlfriend in college after being caught cheating on me: "I never lied to you, I just didn't tell you the truth."

  56. #56

    him: But I love you! Our love is like a tree, we just have to tend to it and water it and let it grow again.

    her: Our love is like that tree in your front yard that got struck by lightning: it's never going to grow again.

  57. #57

    Ind the midst of a really terrible blow-job, he pulls off just to say...
    "I am going to break your heart."

    Really?!? My heart remained intact.

  58. #58

    So, I wasn't sure that I should post this, but here goes...

    Within 5 minutes of the beginning of a first date:

    "So there are a few things I should tell you. First, I have Klinefelter's syndrome (I'm a huge geek and actually knew what that was), and so I'm infertile." This part is not that big of a deal as I don't want kids anyway, but is probably not info you want to share within a few minutes of going on a first date with someone you met less than a week before. "I'm also bald, this is a toupee." Okay...what else could you be hiding, oh wait, I know... "And finally, I'm 8 years older than I originally said I was. I get told I look young all the time so I just ACTUALLY lie about it so I don't get ACCUSED of lying." Emphasis added, as his "fake" age was already 10 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. So his logic was that women his own age accuse him of lying when he says he's as old as he is, but rather than lie to THEM and go out with THEM, he lies to someone 18 years younger than himself, because, consistency or something. RIIIIIIIIIGHT.

  59. #59

    APPENDED: Just realized I didn't include the Relationship-Ending Line!

    OK, one more… how could I have forgotten?!

    This was my first serious boyfriend (late high school through two years of college), and I consider him the biggest bullet I ever dodged.

    His mother would fix him breakfast in the mornings, and when he sat down she would pull a blanket fresh from the dryer and wrap him in it to keep him warm while he ate….

    The context is bad enough (what self-respecting woman raises a son this way?!), but upon revealing this set-up to me with obvious pride in his voice, he says: "She really knows how to treat me right"

    Aw, HELL no!

  60. #60

    In college, I'd been dating this girl for a few months and she tells me one day "You're the only emotionally stable guy I've ever dated and I just don't know how to deal with that."

  61. #61

    He said: "I found a spider under the sink, and I was so scared I left the cabinet door open and ran all the way to the porch. I made the housekeeper kill it."

  62. #62

    Almost forgot about this one.
    Second College girlfriend. We'd been dating for about 5 months. Her grandfather dies mid semester and so she goes back home to be with her family. From day one she starts sending me this weird rambling emails that have a fair bit of erotica mixed with intimate family details. I try to take it in stride as a) I'm a fan of erotica b) her gramps just passed, and I know how tangled emotional responses are. Then after a few days she starts sending me photos of her deceased pappy ostensibly because he looked strikingly like me when he was younger (it really was uncanny). The day she comes back to university she unloads this one on me. "My grandfather sexually abused me when I was younger. I never told anyone, but I'm pretty certain that's why we're dating."

  63. #63

    my boyfriend of 4 years walks into my room the day after I have nose surgery to fix my septum which was screwed up because his best friend's girlfriend threw a softball at my face, and proceeds to inform me that he doesn't think we can date anymore because "Your ugly nose made me not like women anymore Michael and I are now dating" Yeah loved that.
    My latest boyrfriend broke up with me because "I don't need girls when I have linux"

  64. #64

    Hmm..I had a few really bad ones from my match.com days but the best was from the boyfriend I lived with for 2 years. "I dont want to break up, but can we start only seeing each other on weekends?".

    Here are some match.com winners...
    Within 5 minutes of meeting: "I cant have a beer with dinner because I have a breathalizer in my car"

    Another guy, at our 1st and only dinner: "I was with my last girlfriend for a year...but we only had sex like 3 times. I took her out to eat a lot though and watched her kid on the weekends"

    And another on our coffee date..."I know your probablly want to have kids, so I want to be upfront. I've had a vasectomy. (He was 28).

  65. #65

    Lets be friends.

  66. #66

    He called me up with his NEW girlfriend on the other phone (same line). They proceeded to tell me TOGETHER what was so wrong with me, that he had to break up with me.

  67. #67

    "I have three balls" turned me off. But the real winner was the guy who, in mid-action (ahem) said, "None of the other girls I sleep with let me do (whatever action)." We'd been "exclusive" for six months at the time. Ugh.

  68. #68

    "I've got tickets to see Three Days Grace."

  69. #69

    A friend of a friend had just moved to my town. We started hanging out on not-sure-if-this-is-a-date dates. I was semi-interested until he explained over dinner: "I'll admit that it took years for me to realize that intelligence is an attractive quality on a woman. It's just that I haven't really met that many women who are both smart *and* feminine -- like you."

  70. #70

    My good friend T was dating this chick for 2 years. They were that REALLY annoying couple; did everything together, spoke in the 'we' tense, called each other incessantly, even lived together. The chick used to all the time say things like, 'I can't wait 'til we're married'.

    So T drops out of college so he can work full time to buy her a ring.
    He shows up with the ring to propose, and she looks at him after 2 years of this and says, "Why?". So T said, "Because we love each other and you said you wanted to get married".

    Her response?
    "I didn't know we were in love! I thought we were just doing it!".

    He closed the box, got back into his car, and deleted her number.

  71. #71

    Boyfriend of 2 years on Valentine's Day: "You know how there's always a best man at a wedding? Well I'd want you to be mine."

    Um, excuse me?? I was kind of thinking I'd be the BRIDE...

  72. #72

    FYI I'm queer.This was spoken to me by a guy I was sleeping with but not dating.

    "I don't know how things go in your grils relationships, but in straight relationships the girl always pays for her own birth control."

    See ya.

  73. #73

    High school. I'd dated this girl for almost 2 years. A bit after our first anniversary, she says she wants to be get back in touch with God. I say, Okay. She tells me she wants me to, as well (I'd been practically a life-long atheist to this point). In my naivety, I go along with it. I wear a cross and I'm adamant about praying every night--I don't really know what else to do. After about five months, I decided it wasn't my thing, and two months after that, on one of our daily phone calls,
    "I don't think you're trying hard enough. I really want to have a husband who's close to God so we can bring our children up properly."

    I ended it the next day.

  74. #74

    I have a large number of these. A sampling.

    Guy who followed me into a coffee shop in Boston, sat down next to me at the counter, looked over and said "Did you ever see that movie where a guy follows a girl into a coffee shop and turns out to be an axe murderer?"

    There was the crazy New Orleansian who told me (having recently met me) that "when we got married I could do whatever I liked as long as I didn't smoke crack."

    The truly crazy guy who had a crush on me who showed up at my door with two full grocery bags of a wide variety of meats - I was a vegetarian at the time - so I could "learn how to cook meats." He later informed me that I would be moving to Iowa with him to live with him on his (purely theoretical) farm. That...never happened.

    There have been more, but those are the real standouts.

  75. #75

    #1--first guy I ever slept with: "You can be my mistress when I marry my fiance."

    #2--when caught coming on to my best friend (and his best friend's girlfriend) literally physically behind my back: "But...we're not exclusive."

    #3--"My sister would never tolerate me dating you." (Shades of Magenta and Riff Raff, ya think?)

    #4--and for the redneck I'm currently divorcing, there isn't enough room on the internet for all of them. /sigh/ 19 years worth but I was determined.

  76. #76

    On a coffee date: He was telling me about how he played basketball in high school, which was pretty interesting to me because he grew up in Hungary and I didn't know basketball was popular there. And then out pops this gem:

    "Yeah every player on our team was a really big deal in school, I could just tell any girl in the whole school that I wanted to fuck her and she would be ready to go!"

    ... good job, I guess?

  77. #77

    I was going to Busch Gardens with my date, who wanted to take his 6yo with us. So, at the last minute, we run by his ex-girlfriend's home to pick up his son. But ex-gf points out that his son's cousins are visiting from out of town, so son can't go. Date takes 6yo to the side and tells him, "I WAS going to take you to Busch Gardens, but your mother says you can't go." Son cries till he throws up, date leaves son at home, and COMES BACK TO THE CAR TO TELL ME EVERY DETAIL, adding, "She won't keep my son from ME again."

    Yes. That SHOULD have been the end of the relationship. . . .

  78. #78

    @Gine, I'm so sorry. That's criminal. I hope the boy turned out okay despite that idiot.

    Thought of some for the soon-to-be-ex, all recent:

    Maybe the ending one was the other day when he said, "You're just unbelievable." when he dropped our son off an hour early knowing I had company.

    Or maybe it was telling me that he didn't care if I lived or died except as there would be no one to pick our son up from after school.

    Or maybe it was telling me that "we" are filing for divorce as soon as "we" can afford it, on Valentine's Day, in a conversation about how he and and his new girlfriend (meth head chic he picked up in a biker bar in December) are 'serious' and then trying to play off that 'we' meant him and I.

    Or maybe it was texting me every 5 minutes all afternoon Sunday, after I said, "I have company" and then texting me some more to apologize for bothering me when I have company.

  79. #79

    My marriage was failing and I decided to look for fun online. A guy who read my blog made a serious play. Being relatively shallow, I asked for a photo. He sent me one of him and another woman (not his wife) and explained that she meant nothing to him and was simply some woman he hung out with during some company outing, but cut loose "gently" at the end of the day.

    He wrote: "It's kind of this catch and release program for women I have...."

    I had the audacity to think I'd be different. The joke was on me.

  80. #80

    I gave Match.com a swing for a few months, and I wouldn't give those months back for anything, because they were the source of more unintentional comedy than I could have hoped for. The best was the guy now referred to as The Riddler. Admittedly, I was already in the process of unloading him (because he was just kind of a negligent douche, and I had other things to do with my time), and he said:

    "I'm aloof and enigmatic, and that bothers you."

    Ye-ah. Y'know, dude, if you have to tell me you're aloof and enigmatic, you're probably doin it rong. That's like renting a billboard to let people know you're shy and withdrawn.

  81. #81

    I met a guy online, and though he struck me as awkward, he seemed polite and decent, so I agreed to meet him for coffee. Our conversation wasn't flowing well-- every few minutes it would hit a lull, at which point he would explicitly announce that he was going to use a new conversation-starter.

    So after a while, we ended up talking about sci-fi and time travel, of all things. Trying to be agreeable and go along with it, I said, "Actually, I've been thinking about time machines a bit lately." What I meant was that I'd been thinking about how I'd like to be able to go back in time and prevent a recent unpleasant situation in my life.

    But before I could explain this, his immediate response to my comment was, "Oh, really? Have you drawn up any schematics?"

    Dude *asked me if I'd come up with blueprints for a time machine*. Poor guy. That was our only date.

  82. #82

    Almost everything she said when we weren't having sex.

  83. #83

    I came home one day and this gal I'd been seeing for about 8 months was sitting at my kitchen table eating a giant pickled pigs foot. I was so grossed out by the sight of that, only to have her exclaim "there's one in the fridge for you."

  84. #84

    Text messages like this that come from out of the blue, from a guy:
    "I'm bored. So do you want to hang out?"

    "So, do you want to do something today?" on Valentine's Day

  85. #85

    The end of my very first relationship.

    It was my birthday, I'd booked a venue in town and got a mate to DJ, so there we all were- chatting and dancing and drinking. Cake was involved. I get up to go to the toilet and one of my then-boyfriend's friends stops me, telling me I really don't want to see what's in there.

    How bad could it be? I think, assuming he just means the sink is leaking or one of the two toilets is blocked. No, what it actually turned out to be was my then-boyfriend getting a blowjob from a drag queen.

    ... sometimes, you don't need actual *words* to end a relationship.

  86. #86

    Just remembered another one, from the first guy I ever slept with. It was a moderately painful experience for me, and I let out a sort of whimper, accompanied by a wince and a series of whispered "ow"s. Why I don't know, but I felt compelled to apologize for it, to which he responded:

    "Don't be sorry! It's cute!"

    Apparently my expression of the pain he was DIRECTLY CAUSING ME was just ADORABLE. So, you know, that was also the ONLY time we had sex.

  87. #87

    The day after a drunken hook-up I woke up to the guy in bed with me staring at me. After a few seconds he said, with a kind of confused curiosity, "Who are you?"

    This, ladies and gentlemen, could be the one moment where honesty doesn't trump faking it. Then, I had a hard time deciding between being embarrassed, being slightly offended or cracking up. But when I think about it now, hilarity always wins out.

    (and there was only the one time)

  88. #88

    This was from my first boyfriend as I was trying to break it off.

    "God told me you are going to be my wife... So you can't break up with me.
    It would be against gods plan."

    I was 16! Never spoke to him again

  89. the only virgin in college
    #89

    this is the one that I always seem to use. this one, in some form or another has effectively ruined every chance I've ever had of occupying the attention of certain someones for more than a week.

    "no no. I think you ARE VERY pretty. I just like to really get to know people first..."

    in college, this is apparently a frightening statement.

    I blame Cosmo.

  90. #90

    I have a few from my exhusband..

    After we married, I was told about him fathering a child w/ his sister in law.. and yes, she was still married to his brother, and of course he lied about it for 5 years. On the day he called to tell me he wanted to work our marriage out, I asked him to tell me the honest truth, no matter how bad it hurt.. I asked did you father this child... No was his reply.. I said would you like to tell the truth now, as I have the paternity test in my purse.. Yes, I fathered the child.. What an effin douchebag right??

    Wait, wait for it!! This is even better....

    2 mths after that, my exhusband calls and says, I need help w/ some medication, can you help me pay for it?? I ask because I still care at the time, what is it for?? He tells me... He has chlamydia and gonorrhea, the only thing I could do was laugh my ass off, and tell him I hope it fell off... Talk about laughing for weeks.. I knew I was so done at that point!

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