The Sexist

Give Me Your Worst Pick-Up Lines

JulieKlausner
Yesterday, I received a copy of Julie Klausner's new dating memoir, "I Don't Care About Your Band: What I Learned from Indie Rockers, Trust Funders, Pornographers, Felons, Faux-Sensitive Hipsters, and Other Guys I've Dated" in the mail from Amazon. Actually, I received two copies of Klausner's book—I seem to have made a horrible misstep in the check-out process—and I'd rather send the extra over to one of you than back to the warehouse. Here's how to win it:

Give me the worst, most vile, funniest, most ridiculous, saddest, most pathetic pick-up line you've ever heard. Give me some context to convince me it's real. Bonus points if the line actually worked.

Here's some inspiration: I've just started digging into "I Don't Care About Your Band," and Klausner has already dropped a pick-up line that falls squarely into the "vile" category:

I haven't even included the story about the guy I met at a Korean barbecue restaurant who said, after I remarked on the grill built into the table, that the place was perfect for a blind date, because, "if you don't like your date's face, you can just mash it into the grill."

So, file your pick-up line in the comments, or send it over by e-mail here. (If you leave it in a comment, please use a valid e-mail address so I know where to find you). I'll pick a winner and send out the book early next week.

  • amy

    cute boy making eyes at me from across the bar eventually comes over and says "I had to get drunk to talk to you."

    I decided to take it as a compliment that my attractiveness was such that he was physically incapable of approaching me sober.

    The conversation went downhill from there as apparently the aforementioned drunkenness robbed him of any ability to be interesting.

  • former staffer

    I think Klausner's hot. Amanda, will you get a beer with me?

    Oh wait.

  • http://howyoudoin.tumblr.com Erin

    A man at The Reef once asked me if I was a veterinarian. I didn't realize it was a pick-up line and was so curious to know what about me screamed "VETERINARIAN" so I said, "No...why?"

    "BECAUSE MY PYTHON IS SICK!"

    It made me laugh and I was totally into talking to him but he immediately walked away. I think he lost a bet.

  • KaeLyn

    At a gay bar. Yes, a gay bar! Even though I, myself, am very queer and was there with a woman I'd been hooking up with...I still got hit on by some drunk dude. I used to get the "Asian girls are hot" lines a lot from drunk white boys, but this was the classiest of them all. His exact words were, "You know, I've never fucked an Asian girl before. Can I buy you a drink?" He then proceeded to prove his point by listing the ethnic groups he had "fucked." So. Gross. I did let him buy me a drink, then I walked away and made out with my date. He did not try to approach me again, thank goddess.

  • http://www.twitter.com/businesssocks Mindy

    When I first moved to Austin, a friend and I visited a 24 hour food establishment post-rock show. We were seated near a group of people who left within five minutes of us being seated. We ate and laughed for at least an hour and then got up to leave.

    A man well over the age of 50 whom I recognized from that group we were seated near was waiting between a truck and my car outside. I rushed a little to get into my car, and he said "Excuse me, I never do this, but I'd just kick myself if I didn't ask. Would you have sex with me?"

    To this day, my friend who was with me describes the look on my face as a nauseated little baby deer in the headlights. Needless to say the answer was no.

  • Kim Chi Ha

    I'm about to go buy that book. haha

  • http://www.nicoleindc.com Nicole

    I moved to NY last year and the dating scene was quite different than DC's and I got a lot of interesting pickups. The best was a guy who struck up a conversation about my tattoos who called me adorable and was saying I was "different than other girls" without knowing anything about me.

    I asked about the tattoo on his arm and he proceeded to tell me about his ex-wife. "The three roses represent three big mistakes I made in our marriage. Each time, I brought her a single rose home to show her I was sorry. I'm sweet like that."

    I was there for a friend's work party, so I couldn't easily escape. At one point, when I wasn't looking, he picked up my phone and texted my number to himself and I continued to hear from him for a few weeks after that.

  • blair

    I was looking through the jukebox at a bar, trying to decide if any of the music was good enough to merit getting change. A grown man (early thirties, at least) came up and told me he hoped I was putting on Katie Perry. It took me a minute to decide whether he was joking, insulting me or serious. Turns out he was serious.

  • blair

    I was at the bar with my boyfriend, who was out of site getting us drinks during this exchange. But had I been there looking to pick someone up, I still would not have been interested in a grown man who either actually wanted to hear Katie Perry or assumed that I must want to hear Katie Perry because I'm a girl.

  • http://bikegroggery.blogspot.com groggette

    "Just so you know, I'm divorced now"

    From the guy who harrassed me for a year or so in college, starting with his wife calling me accusing me of sleeping with him after a group lunch he and I were both at (were I repeatedly mentioned my boyfriend, because I was getting that vibe off the guy), moving up to love poetry in emails, and peaking when he evidently got the hint from me and started sniffing my roommate's hair during a class they had together. That line was the first time he actually admitted to being married. Oh and he also stole a mutual friends phone one time to get my new number after I got a new one. Gee I wonder why jackass.

  • http://theboozetube.wordpress.com Gnatalby

    I was at a wine shop picking out wines for my birthday dinner, and the man working at the store was ignoring all his other customers in favor of me, even though I told him I was just looking.

    Eventually he picked up a bottle and said: "This wine is like a woman... it needs to breathe."

    Points for accuracy!

  • Jennifer

    I was seated at a bar with my friend when a friendly, older gentleman started a conversation with us. My friend ordered a vodka cranberry, which prompted our pursuer to coo, "I like that you drink cranberry juice; it's good for your prostate."

    1) She doesn't have a prostate.
    2) Did he get that from Reader's Digest?

  • former staffer

    My above was an attempt at humor.

    Actually the best pick up I ever made was not a line.

    I gave a tip of my hat to a beautiful woman in a crowd upon making eye contact. She then made her way through said crowd to talk to me. We're not dating, but I still talk to her on a daily basis fourteen years later.

  • jules

    Well, there are the various times that I've been PHYSICALLY picked up by guys at bars (I'm really short, like 4 foot 11 short...) and the associated pick up lines:

    "Are you a legal midget?" (not a great segue into getting my number)

    "You're so small! You still have nice ta-tas though..."
    (Gee, THANKS.)

  • Katie

    I don't know if this can compete with Jennifer's, but the best pickup line I ever received was when myself and three of my girlfriends were heading into an Indian restaurant. We were just about inside and hear a guy yell "You dropped something!" We turned around to the some 16 old kid (we're all about 20 at the time) who finished saying "...my heart!" Something about him delivering a pickup line simultaneously to four women, in broad daylight, at an Indian restaurant, was just too much. It was actually kind of adorable. I mean, that line doesn't even make sense.

  • jules

    Amanda, I'd like to add I REALLY REALLY want that book. And I work in Adams Morgan...we could conveniently arrange a mid-day drop off...eh...PLEASE??

  • disgusted dude

    From a drunk girl who was attempting the flirting by sparring gambit:

    "You are so hiding behind your glasses. Why do you wear them anyway?"

    "Because I can't see."

    "Ah, you're one of those guys who doesn't fuck, he makes love."

    I smiled and indulged her for an hour, but I thought, "Well, you are never going to find out."

    Side note: I absolutely loathe passive/agressive nice guys and rape apologist love song writers, etc. But the PR contains a big warning bell: "This is the girl's version of High Fidelity." Ugh. I had difficulty with how that book gleefully reduced women to a list easily categorized and demeaned types even as the protagonist exhibited self-reproach for doing so. The women he eventually ends up with is kind of a cipher, almost entirely defined as not being the others, as well as disinterest in the defining passions of his life, which makes her more of a convenient end point than a human romantic interest. I gotta say, if that's what this book is like, I'm hesitant.

  • jules

    OH! I thought of another good one! I was on my bike in Columbia Heights and I passed a group of a half dozen boys who were legitmately like, 14. One of them yells to me:

    "Hey, I'd like to give you a ride like you riding that bike!"

    I respond: "How old are you? 12?"

    He says: "I'm 16, but believe I can give it you LIKE A REAL MAN."

    Sure.

  • Mandy

    A client (I'm a lawyer) wrote a letter because he had sent me a giant Scooby Doo valentine's day card that year and I hadn't responded. Because it was weird. And he was a client. And he was in prison. In the letter, he scolded me for not responding to the Scooby card, then gave me this mind-blower:
    "we are two threads, woven in a tapestry in ways that even we cannot comprehend."
    He ended with hoping that Scooby Doo was watching over me and taking care of me. Scooby got thrown in the trash bin that day.

    It wasn't out on the town, so does it count?

  • Frankie

    The book looks interesting, I shall have to add it to my wish list. Like most I've heard my fair share of bad pick up lines, many of them when I've clearly been with someone else too. The two which most stand out with my memory are these:

    After walking a friend home, three guys who were hanging out around the block of flats where she lived approached my at the time girlfriend and me. I think it was pretty obvious we were a couple, as not only were our arms around each other but they'd just watched us kissing.
    'Hey, do you have boyfriends.'
    My girlfriend looked confused. 'No. I'm a lesbian'
    'So you won't show my friend some love then?'
    'No.'
    They shouted a few sexual comments as we walked off, until I shouted back 'Lesbians means no fucking men. Literally.'
    Their response? Weirdly, it was 'You're just chicks with dicks anyway.'

    The other much more simple story went like this. I was sat at the bar waiting for some friends when a guy came up to me. He asked what my name was and if he could talk to me whilst he waited for his friends. This seemed fair enough, so I said sure. After a few minutes of small talk he came out with this: 'You could do Porn. No, I really mean it. I would pay to see you naked.' After a brief pause, during which I was too flabbergasted to think up a response he added. 'Seriously, can I see you naked? I have money.' Thankfully the barman over heard and whilst he didn't throw the guy out, he did ask him to back off and then stayed chatting to me until my friends arrived. I was more amused than threatened but it was kind of a relief to have someone sane to talk to!

  • Mandy

    Oh, I remembered another one! This inmate (I only represent inmates) was in court and we were finishing up his case, which means my representation of him, and our relationship in that regard, were ending. He had been trying to look down my shirt the entire day (in court!) and then asked, "so, if I stab somene, will you be my lawyer?"

  • Mandy

    OK, last one but I just remembered and it's a good one. Had just finished my representation and it was a good resolution for the client. He wrote me (1) calling me his "future wife," (2) telling me how his women enver have to work, but he takes care of them so they can get their hair and nails done and always look good, (3) suggested I get a P.O. box under an assumed name so we could write freely, (4) told me how he was being kept up at night by "mischivious" thoughts about me, (5) how he liked to think about me while rubbing himself down with lotion after his shower, and (6) said that he would pay me back for how well his case turned out by being chained up as a slave in my basement.
    All in one letter!
    Surely, that deserves a book!

  • Frankie

    Thinking about this stuff, I''ve just realised something. I think I have had a lot more hassle off guys trying to pick me up when I've been out in public with a girlfriend than when I've been out with a boyfriend, a group of friends or even on my own. Has anyone else experienced the same?

  • laureney

    A few years ago, in Washington, I worked at a gyro-cart outside a bar. Drunk guys would regularly hit on me as they stumbled down to the next bar, usually just stuff like "hey baby" or whatever, although "that gyro girl is beautiful!" was a personal fave.
    But one night this guy walks by, stops, and just looks at me for a minute. I assume he just wants food or something, so I ask if I can get him anything. His response is "You have beautiful skin." Chills ran down my spine. He then attempts to convince me to leave my job and go to another bar with him. When this doesn't work, he says "Fine. I'll be back here in an hour and I'm going to buy you a drink." I was shocked when, an hour later, he wandered back over, cash in hand. My friend, who is giant viking, was there with me, so I ran inside and let the creep buy me a shot.

  • http://havocthecat.livejournal.com Havoc

    Okay, so, the thing is that you're going to read this, and someone's going to pop and say, "But I saw that pick-up line in an internet forward!" But it's all true. I saw that same internet forward about five or six years after this happened to me. I laughed. Hard. And then I tried not to cry.

    Hopefully, you are enough of a gamer to understand the terminology, or, at least, you know someone who can translate for you. :)

    I was going to college and hunting down the local comics and gaming shop, as I'm a huge geek, and I started chatting with the guy behind the counter. Owner? Manager? I don't know. I made the critical mistake of letting slip that I was a girl gamer who, get this, didn't get into gaming because her brother wanted someone to play with. (The stereotype is that women who play D&D and like comics and such things are only into it because their brothers or boyfriends are interested. LIES. Failtastic lies, no less.)

    (As we all know, girl gamers are HOT. Because, well, they are girls and have boobs, and they might want to sleep with boy gamers, or at least let them look at their boobs. *eyeroll*)

    So I got invited to play in said guy's D&D campaign (in boy gamer speak, this is like asking a girl on a date, HOWEVER, most girl gamers are, unsurprisingly, JUST LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO GAME, and find ways to ignore this gambit and just game instead). So, it having been a few years since I'd played D&D, I agreed. He'd been talking up his original campaign world, and it sounded interesting enough for an afternoon's diversion.

    Then he said, and I wish to God I was kidding about this, "I played my character up to 30th level and he became a god, and then I based my entire campaign world around a monotheistic world where everyone worships my old character. Wanna play a cleric?"

    I mean, seriously? Did you just SERIOUSLY ask me if I want to worship you?

    The sad thing was, I was in college and naive, so I graciously declined and rolled up a rogue instead. And then I sat all afternoon and played in this guy's campaign. About a week later, he called me up and invited me out to dinner with him and his BFF, where they proceeded to make jokes about taking me out into the cornfields, raping me, and then leaving my brutally murdered body to be found by a farmer.

    I made sure to mention that I had called my mom before leaving, and that I was going to be calling her upon my return home, which I had told her would be about an hour and a half from when I had left.

    Needless to say, I have never laid eyes on this guy again. Deliberately so. I got back to the dorm, went and freaked out at my best friend, and then, when I had stopped shaking, promptly warned every single woman I knew off of this gaming shop.

  • EmKay

    I was new in DC, and acquaintance X promised to introduce me to some of his guy friends. So we meet up and are hanging out when suddenly he asks when the two of us are going to "happen". I was confused, and reminded him that hooking up was not the plan. He says:

    "How can recommend a restaurant if I've never eaten there?"

    I asked him to repeat it so I could avoid misquoting him later to all my friends. He repeated it.

  • http://bikegroggery.blogspot.com groggette

    Mandy@21,
    Holy crap! That's disturbingly funny. I hope he had handcuffs on the entire time.

    One time a grungy lookin man on the street offered me and my 2 friends $20 to lick his ass. In broad daylight. Then called us lesbians when we demurred. (granted, we were all wearing flannel and sensible shoes at the time, but yeah, so not the reason we turned down the ass licking.)

  • NbyNW

    When I was a 24 year old staffer working a fundraising event for my candidate:

    "You know, I worked in the Carter Administration."

    After he'd asked more explicitly if I was a 'fun girl' and I had turned him down, he kept trying by flattering me on how 'gracefully' I had rebuffed him. A $2,300 campaign donation was the only thing that kept me from reminding him that my father is younger than him and that you really can't keep using White House ties to try to pick up teh ladiez three decades later.

  • http://bikegroggery.blogspot.com groggette

    Ok so this one isn't mine so it probably won't count for anything, but it still makes me giggle every fucking time so I'll share it anyway.
    A male friend of mine once got in response to an online profile of his, "I'll be the conquistador of your ass."

  • Liz

    Once I was dropping a letter into a mailbox in College Park and a guy driving by slows down and says, dead serious-like, "I'd like to slap a stamp on that ass and mail you to my house."

  • Katie

    Ok wait wait, I have another. It didn't even happen to me so that might disqualify me right there, but it's so funny that I couldn't not share. My friend was in Italy with a class, and her and a few female friends were standing on a street corner looking at a map. My friend noticed a "nice, normal-looking" guy on a bike ride by on the street right next to them. Apparently he got about 20 feet past them, turned around, and yelled "I WANT TO FUCK YOU AAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!" The "all" kind of trailed off as he rode into the distance. Props for being to-the-point?

  • http://WWW.METAL-RULES.COM Metal-Engineer

    My goodness, I thought *I* had a tendancy to make a fool of myself sometimes. Compared to these scuzzy bozo guys I feel like the dang Pope!

  • Melanie

    I had been chatting with an ex-boyfriend on facebook. It's been twelve year (the last ten of which I've been happily married), so I didn't think anything of it. His wife apparently did and asked him to stop talking to me. So he explained and dropped me as a friend from facebook. Honestly, I didn't care.
    Two weeks later he has weazled my e-mail address out of a friend of my husbands second cousin. His line? "You know... My wife doesn't have the password to THIS e-mail account"

  • Richard

    Hey girl.

    Are you a camel?

    (Likely confused murmur)

    Cause I think you need a hump.

  • rebekah manning

    okay here it goes, context I go to school at a science based university. I am a biology major and one of the very few undergrad females in the department. So, not only do I have to deal with being hit on when I actually am not in classes, but my lab partners, group project coordinators etc also tend to hit on me. Well this semester there is a new student in the department. Cocky asshole type of guy who clearly doesn't understand that pickup lines aren't going to work. He said and I kid you not If I were an enzyme, I'd be DNA helicase so I could unzip your genes. Because somehow that is supposed to make me drop my pants. OHHH biology humor I'm so going to fall for that. When that one didn't work he came back with this gem: hey baby, why don't you get your ligase working on my okazaki fragment and lengthen my strand. That one made me laugh

  • rebekah manning

    I've also just got to say that I love the cover of this book

  • Sara

    My favorite was, "You are such a natural beauty," when I was basically wearing stage make up and more hair product than I've ever worn in my life. You know someone told him that was a compliment a girl would like.

  • http://www.jodigreen.ca Jodi

    Thank you, EmKay, for my new favourite comeback: could you please repeat that so I can avoid misquoting you later to all my friends? Brilliant.

    Okay. My first and most memorable pickup line, circa 1986. He was about 16 and living in our town for a brief time after being shipped off to the other parent while on juvenile probation (!). I was 14. We were over by the elementary school playground around 8:00 in the evening and he came out with "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" (must have been the setting that inspired that, because I would have thought by 16 that game was old). Then he whipped down his jeans and showed me his goods. This was immediately followed by "Now that we've seen each other's genitalia, maybe we should introduce them sometime?". Never mind that he HADN'T SEEN MINE.

    I said, "Don't you have a curfew?". To which he looked at his watch, swore, and lit off across the field and home.

    In retrospect I'm sort of surprised that boy even knew a big word like "genitalia". And I wonder if he didn't get that line from a bad movie.

  • b-bop

    Worst pick up line:

    "Most guys wouldn't go for the scrawny pointy nose type, but I think you're beautiful"

    that or the guy changing the words of sweet home alabama to sweet home (insert our area of residence), me while proceeding to kiss his muscles.

  • b-bop

    *singing to

  • http://greatteacherannazuka.wordpress.com Anna

    A swaggering German fellow in a puffy pirate shirt once swanned up to my friend in a club, looked deep into her eyes, put his hand on his chest, and said, "Baby, I'm a gynecologist." Followed by a wink.

    Least sexy thing EVER.

  • Vic

    I was talking to a guy who had a tattoo on his neck. While reading it I asked, "What does that say?" He says, "Rock and Roll, baby." It only said "Rock and Roll" so I snarkily asked, "Where's the 'baby'?" He rested his hand on my knee and said, "Right here." I almost threw up a little in my mouth.

  • TJ

    I think that I've been blessed to not hear the kind of sorry pick-up lines that you all have been forced to hear! It's either that, or I have a mental block on the worst pick-up lines I've heard and I just can't remember them...

    One that pops in my mind was when I was at a bar with a co-worker after work when an older gentleman sat beside us and started to strike up a conversation. Neither one of us was interested in entertaining him, but he didn't get that memo. After a good swig of his drink, he said to me, "Wow, do you have a bra on, because it doesn't look like it." I don't know why I felt the need to respond to that, but I said that I did, and then he said, "It doesn't look like it. Your breast look so soft and I thought I saw your nipples."

    EWWWWWWWW!!!

  • TJ

    Oh! I do have one more. I've actually heard this two times in my life...

    Just to give you background, I'm an African American woman with fairly dark skin. I'm not as black as crude oil, but I do have my fair share of melanin.

    So I was at this party in Chicago, dancing and doing my thing. I took a break to get something to drink when this very attractive guy floats towards me and he has this look on his face. It almost looked like he was in awe. With me being as humble as I always am, I was convinced that he was ever so struck by my beauty. Well, kind of.

    He says, "I had to tell you that you are the most beautiful dark-skinned woman I have ever seen. And I don't normally find dark-skinned women attractive." My only response was, ".......................................... Huh?"

    By the way, he was about as dark as I was. Needless to say, I walked away without giving my information.

  • Frankie

    TJ, that's awful! Sadly I've lost count of the amount of times I've heard the whole 'I don't normally like dark skinned/Asian/Latina etc girls, but you are a hotty' directed at one of my friends.

  • Lexi

    "Hey do you work at subway because you just gave me a foot long"

...