The Sexist

“The Penis Monologues”: A Primer On Republican Genitals, Through The Years

This week, it was revealed that accused Mary Landrieu phone-tapping conspirator Stan Dai, 24, was once a promising aspiring playwright. In 2004, while a student at the George Washington University, Dai penned a dramatic piece entitled "The Penis Monologues" for campus conservative newspaper The Patriot.

In the great anti-feminist tradition of college-aged male Republicans, there have been many "The Penis Monologues." Over the years, dozens of these men have been brave enough to bare the innermost thoughts concerning their genitalia. Mainly: "Wahhh! Why is 'The Vagina Monologues' only about vaginas! Pay attention to my penis!"

Having trouble paying suitable tribute to every 20-something Republican dude's genitals? A quick primer on the many "The Penis Monologues," after the jump:

"The Penis Monologues," 1990's, by Penn State student Jason Cassidy.

Penis Insight: According to student newspaper the Daily Collegian, "'One monologue is about a guy—after having sex he tries to pee but he can't control his penis so he's peeing all over this girl's bathroom and eventually pees on the girl,' [explained one] performer . . . At the end of the show, each performer will make one last appearance clad in just his underwear. He will then tell the audience his favorite nickname he has heard for a penis and make different orgasm sounds."

Anti-Feminist Ire: "A guy wrote a script that's kind of mocking Vagina Monologues—well it's more so a response to The Vagina Monologues," a performer told the Collegian. "He put together a series of monologues performed by all men. It's all about sex, masturbation, peeing and all of the crude testosterone things guys talk about."

"The Penis Monologues," 2002, by Oregon State University student David Rapoza.

Penis Insight: Due to a birth defect (?), David Rapoza's penis is incapable of gaining your consent (or something?):

So I thought about my penis. I'm positive he'd sport a black leather trench coat and titanium sunglasses. He's got a terrible case of Keannu-envy. He'd also drive a Beamer while head-banging to the harmony of 'NSYNC. What does he say? Nine times out of 10, he begs for more attention. Yeah, he's demanding like that. The tenth time out of 10, he asks you to repeat yourself. He lost his ears during the third trimester and sometimes has trouble reading your lips.

Anti-Feminist Ire: Um: "Bobbitt has become a trendsetter. A firestorm of insane copycats rages after the spark of her famous gender-war crime. According to Time Magazine, over a hundred cases have been documented in Thailand alone. The penis is a symbol of power. Cut the symbol off, and what do men have left to rule you with? Their brains? Ha! This must be the rationale supporting penis decapitation."

"The Penis Monologues," 2004, by George Washington University student Stan Dai.

Penis Insight: "MY PENIS IS ANGRY!!!!!!! You want to know what happened to my penis? Joan happened to my penis! There I was, sleeping peacefully when Joan stormed in and dragged me out for 'an educational program.' I thought was going to see Mr. Rogers! But nooooooo! It turned out to be the 'Whine-gina Monologues!'"

Anti-Feminist Ire: From the piece's Editor's Note: "What are these vaginas angry about? Tampons, thong underwear, and gynecologists. Shouldn't feminists be more concerned with encouraging women to go to the gynecologist to prevent cervical, uterine, and breast cancer (which, of course, are the fault of evil repressive men)? Why must the only reference to the sanctity of motherhood be given to a lesbian couple? Can't men be more than just sperm donors and rapists in a feminist's world? Justice Blackmun doesn't even get a shout-out!"

"The Penis Monologues," 2005, by Roger Williams University College Republicans.

Penis Insight: In order to combat a presentation of the Vagina Monologues on campus, Roger Williams College Republicans constructed a gigantic penis, dubbed "Testaclese." From the National Review:

''Testaclese' tipped the scales when he approached the university Provost, Edward J. Kavanagh, outside the student union. Apparently taking him/it for a giant mushroom, Provost Kavanagh cheerfully greeted him. But when Testaclese presented him with an honorary award as a campus 'Penis Warrior,' the stunned official realized that it was no mushroom. After this incident, which was recorded on videotape, the promoters of P-Day were ordered to cease circulating their flyers and to keep Testaclese off campus grounds. Mindful of how school officers had never once protested any of the antics of Vagina warriors, the P-warriors did not comply. The Testaclese costume was then confiscated and formal charges followed.

Anti-Feminist Ire: According to the National Review, "Unhappily, P-Day may be the only effective means of countering V-Day with all its c-fests, graphic lollipops, intrusive questionnaires, outsized effigies of vaginas and its thematic anti-male play."

"The Penis Monologues," 2006, by University of Rhode Island student Chris Ferdinandi [Update: not a Republican!]

Penis Insight: Chris Ferdinandi discovers the shocking secret of the "Penis Monologues"—that there's nothing progressive about a bunch of guys talking about their dicks:

So how about it, guys? Feel liberated? Yeah, me neither. I could go on and on with more examples: stories about men circle-jerking as they learn how to enjoy their penises together; a lament about all the injustices committed against penises—'turn and cough,' ungroomed women, kung-fu grip; me shouting the word dick louder and louder to free the word from its negative social connotations.

Anti-Feminist Ire: Surely, the feminists are to blame for this. "But honestly, none of that does anything to express the true value of manhood and masculinity. If anything, it reduces men to their genitals, and it's quite obvious that The Monologues does the same thing to women. Ironically, that's something they accuse men of doing to them on a fairly regular basis."

Photo via Sundve, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0

Comments

  1. #1

    The irony of this post - I'm not a republican. I just think the Vagina Monologues is stupid. Thanks for bringing a VERY old article I wrote back to the surface!

  2. #2

    How is that ironic?

  3. #3

    Do these Republican males just not understand that the Vagina Monologues is intended to deal with discrimination against women, violence, lack of access to decent medical care, etc.? What exactly do these guys think are urgent needs with regards to men's penises as a medical and social issue? What are these guys saying that they couldn't have said just as openly at frats, locker rooms, and even some offices, for decades?!

  4. #4

    Oh please, VagMon is a sucky, sucky show. I say that as someone who had to watch five performances in a row because I was doing lights. It is poorly written and (very often) horribly over-acted. It is a show that inspires good dialogue about the role of women in society, but it is not a show anyone should have to suffer thru more than once. If a few guys wanted to take aim at it with parody shows, that's their right.

  5. #5

    Oh yeah, we really need a P-Day. After all it just makes me so angry to see all the abuse those poor penises are going through. Definitely. I'm angry that tens of thousands of penises are violated in the US each year, that millions are tortured abroad as a tactic of war, that society creates a culture in which it's shocking to admit to even having a penis, that possession of a penis often means being labelled "emotional" and "irrational" and, wait a minute, what?!

    Allow me to suggest that the dicks have missed the point.

    While many criticisms of the Monologues are valid (I strongly disagree, for instance, with the take-home messages in "The Little Coochi Snorcher That Could"), it's hard to be human and understand why someone would try to undermine the work of V-Day (if you don't know what that is, go to vday.org for a primer). Last year, the proceeds from my school's show went to a shelter for women and children escaping domestic violence. Before they received our donation, this Maryland-funded shelter couldn't afford electricity.

    I don't have a problem if some guys want to spork the show, even if in so doing they reduce it to a few of its most simplistic elements. I do have a problem with staging such a performance as some kind of "protest;" as a commentary on ridiculous, hysterical women and our silly claims of "rape" and "violence."

    Hate the show? Fine. V-Day takes online donations. But actively trying to "combat" an institution with no goals beyond ending violence against women and empowering women and young girls? That's what makes these idiots the worst kind of dicks.

    Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to rehearse my sucky, sucky show.

  6. #6

    It pisses me off when men commandeer something females have clearly carved out as their own space. The entire world is about your dicks and you talking about your dicks and you anthropomorphizing your dicks, and then a play is written based on women's real world experiences (rape, bisexuality, not being allowed to be comfortable with their genitalia), used to raise money for domestic violence shelters, and dudes have to come along and be like "That's dumb and gross, let's talk about my weiner!!! waaaay better" and don't understand why us hairy feminists are irritated.

  7. #7

    its just nice to see men finally standing up for institutional oppression of men! yes! (dripping sarcasm)

  8. #8

    Agreed Jules. A hearing them discussing a topic that isn't beaten to death already by American culture... ahh.. breath of fresh air. (more sarcasm)

  9. #9

    Haha. Oh, Jules. I wish that the sarcastic comments weren't necessary, but they are. I've had more than one person tell me that "white men are now more oppressed than any other group". My suggestion is that rather, now they are losing some (not all) of the priviledge of being a white male and being forced to suck it up like the rest of us. Welcome to a more balanced world, grow some balls (bahaha) and deal with it.

  10. #10

    Aw man, I would totally want to see The Penis Monologues, but quite obviously, they just do not get it. That's really unfortunate.

    One year at my university's Vagina Monologues, they did one skit where they had guys speak about vaginas/sexual violence/sexual experiences. It was pretty cool. It can be done.

    Oh and maybe we should shove a speculum up their butts and see how they like it. Ha.

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