The Sexist

Dr. Laura’s Hyper-Mongamous Tips: No Talking Outside Marriage


It's time for more Dr. Laura YouTube fun! This time, Dr. Laura Schlessinger answers the age-old question: Can (hetero) men and women be "just friends"?

Answer: Men and women can be friends as long as it's a "cool quality, casual friendship fun thing where they both golf together, and that's it," Schlessinger explains.

But once these opposite-sex friends start having conversations that go beyond, say "Fore!," it's time to adopt an extreme concern for their ability to remain monogamous to their partners. Schlessinger explains the rules of hyper-monogamy: "Is this someone he tells the privacies of his life to? Ultimately, that would be his wife—and if that worked out, it would be you," Schlessinger says. "If a married woman is spending time with a guy, sharing intimacies about her life, that's inappropriate."

So: Talking to other people is considered cheating now. Let's see how this moral position might play out in a typical marriage: "You have a life outside of this marriage? That's cheating." Or, "You told your friend that I cheated on you? That makes you a cheater." Or, you know, "You told your friend that I accused you of cheating because you found out I cheated on you? I can't believe you cheated on me again."

  • Dara bhur gCara

    But I don't like golf, and I can only think of one of my female friends who does. And she's more my wife's friend than mine, anyway, so it would be weird. So where does that leave me?

  • John Dias

    To me, the term "hyper-monogamous" sounds just as nonsensical as "hyper-pregnant." You're either faithful or you're not.

  • Vic

    I would think talking about private things with an opposite-sex friend would only be a problem if you weren't forthcoming with your partner. Otherwise, so what, Laura?!

  • Em

    As a woman who has always gotten along better with men than women (I'm a tomboy and I like beer and football, so a craft night or Nicholas Sparks book club isn't exactly going to jive with me). My S.O. has always been totally comfortable with it, especially if he gets to meet and hang out with my male friends. If he wasn't, he would be jealous and controlling, and that would be a pretty unhealthy relationship.

    In a phrase, if you can't trust your significant other to be around the opposite sex without getting "too close", then you probably shouldn't be in that relationship...either the other person isn't trustworthy, or you're crazy paranoid and controlling.

    (haha, Dr. Laura? Paranoid and controlling? No surprise there!)

  • mdesus

    yes I think Em makes a pretty important point. In that if the "SO" knows the other person that's one thing for them to have more than a casual friendship. If the SO has no clue about the other person, and the friendship is intense even if it does not cross the physical barrier it is a clear exhibition of a lack of caring, and in many cases emotionally unfaithful. Even more, I believe that many men (and I've certainly seen this frequently) are willing and able to be sort of fake friends to a woman they find attractive until the moment when they can convert themselves into more than friends. This is especially common in highschool where movies tell us dorkie guys fawn over girls who just think of them as friends. Women treat Duckie right, and just never let him that close.

  • nahui

    I can't think of a single female friend who would go out (let alone marry) a guy without close female friends. I certainly wouldn't. Having good female friends is a sign that the guy in question sees women as interesting people with rich lives, funny anecdotes and things in common that make women worth having around even when they refrain from servicing their penis.

  • Shinobi

    OK lets turn this around.

    It's okay for me to tell my girlfriends serious real stuff about my life. But not okay for me to do the same with my guy friends?

    And hey, how does this work for bisexuals like me. Am i really cheating when I tell my best friend since I was five about my life? Am I just keeping her in the friend zone for later?

    If I weren't allowed to be friends with people I could potentially be attracted to I would be lonely indeed. This chick is insane.

  • Jess

    Right, and if you are working in a male-dominated field and have a long distance partner, you should just bite the bullet and spend your time alone.

    I don't really get why anyone would stay in a relationship that couldn't get to the level of trust required for having close friends of the opposite sex. It sounds profoundly restricting.

  • Former Staffer

    If I called Dr. Laura and asked her about my problems with my ladyfriend(s), would THAT be cheating?

  • Em

    mdesus, exactly! If you're hiding those friendships, well, yeah, your partner might be justified in being jealous. But if you're open and honest about your friends of the opposite sex, and your significant other's still throwing a fit? Get out, run away. Far, far away... You do not want to stick with a control freak like that!

    Dr. Laura seems to think that control freaks are justified in restricted the social activities of the ones they love. Always the romantic!

  • Mrs. D

    The scary part of this is that I have heard this advice from many, many others before, advice "professionals" and casual bystanders. It's especially funny since one of my closest male friends and I are constantly mistaken for the happy couple (we both have on rings, we have a blast together, and we communicate well...hmmm...conservatives can recognize a strong relationship but not have one, right?), and the shock :::SHOCK::: on some people's faces when I say "no, THAT'S my husband over there, and THAT'S HIS wife" (or alternately pull up a cell phone shot if the DH/DW are not present).

    So-called "emotional affairs" are total bubkus for emotionally healthy people. It's those conservatives that are buttoned up so tight that the circulation to their brain is restricted who have trouble functioning in normal, mature, caring relationships of all kinds.

    (PS...the friend is totally hot and yet, I really have no desire to sleep with him after 3 years...chew on that cookie Dr. Laura)

  • Bran

    Wow. And I thought it was just my ex who was like this. I had no idea someone's been spouting it at national levels. Am I the only one who finds it profoundly unhealthy to have an anxiety attack at the idea of your spouse communicating in any way with a member of the opposite gender who isn't family?

  • DoctorJay

    Dr. Laura continues to spout the Men are from Mars/ Women are from Venus. She thinks men and women are so different that they couldn't possibly have common interests, or connect as friends. Once a man and woman reach any sort of personal intimacy or friendship it will always end in sex. Way to reduce adult interaction to an adolescent level and bring us back to the 19th century, Dr. Laura.

  • Jennifer

    What if you were friends with said male long before you met your SO? And does it only count as cheating if you're married? So I can't confide in my best male friend of 5 years, we can't be friends anymore? My husband can't be friends with his female friend of idk how many years? That's bull. The problem is...what if said lady is attracted to another male friend? Say I'm having marital problems and I'm attracted to my male friend that I don't know very well cuz we met recently. Is it ok to confide in that friend, even though I'm attracted to him? I also have thought Dr. Laura has been full of shit for a looooong time. I used to work in a bookstore for almost 6 years and she failed at advice then.

  • Mr H.

    I think that Dr. Laura should become a Muslim since men and women are not allowed to intermingle in Islam unless they are married or they are close family members. Ofcourse that will never happen because should would lose viewers and money.

  • Eve Wilson

    As someone who is currently married to a man I really love and care about I see what the doctor is saying. I realize she has a tendency to be a bit extreme usually with her advice but in this advice seems sensible.

    Note that she never uses the word "cheating" she says "inappropriate" and it is inappropriate. If my husband has a problem with our marriage I want him to come to me and talk about it first rather than a "girlfriend" of his. It's what he wants from me too. I think of it as more of a respect type of thing. It's respectful to think of your wife or husband first as they are your family.

    All marriages are different though. Different flavors. Really the people who make the rules are the ones in the relationship not the outside doctors.

    If someone's husband has no problem with their wife talking to other men about intimate things then that's the type of marriage they have and it's not really "wrong" or "right" just their way of doing things.

    As for me and my husband...we really don't have many friends outside of each other and prefer it that way.

  • b-bop

    I think this is just common sense, if you are acting in a way towards someone else that you wouldn't if your significant other was present or one day could find out're doing something hurtful.

  • Melanie

    My husband and I have a rule. No hanging out with members of the opposite sex without a chaperone. There are a few exceptions such as relatives, but it works for us. I drove three hours to watch a friend test for his third degree blackbelt, we went out to eat, went to a movie and had a great time. I took my six year old with me, and he showed her several taikwondo moves, we all had a great time.