Touch And Go: How Groping Happens
It starts with an insignificant touch. The accidental brush on the Metro. The hug that lasts a few seconds too long. The hand that dips down past the small of your back to settle just below the waist.
And then it gets a little bit closer. The stranger who pushes against your butt as he edges past you on the crowded dance floor. The businessman who sticks his hand out as he passes you on the street so that his palm briefly grazes the side of your ass. The drunk guy in the crosswalk who leaves a mark on your shoulder from an unsolicited kiss.
It starts with a dance. He just dances by grinding his pelvis into yours. He also hugs by grinding his pelvis into yours. And he positions himself on the crowded Metro by grinding his pelvis into yours.
This is how he shakes hands: He takes your right hand in his right. He grasps your upper arm in his left. As he shakes, he makes sure his fingers reach out to rub up against the side of your breast.
It starts with an excuse. The gay man who insists that he’s got carte blanche to fondle straight girls. The straight man who goes to gay bars so he can fondle straight girls, too. The hipster for whom groping breasts is an ironic touch. The good friend who casually places his hand on your ass like it belongs there. The woman who thinks she can grab a man’s ass and grind herself into his groin on a public sidewalk in order to convince him to sleep with her, because he’s a man and she’s a woman.
It starts with entitlement. The man who approaches you on the National Mall on the Fourth of July, squeezes your breasts, and runs off into the crowd. The man who saddles up behind you at the bar and cups your boobs. The man who wanders behind you at the bookstore when you’re bent over to pick a title from the lowest shelf and grabs your ass. The guy who passes you in line for the coffee-shop bathroom who swipes his hand under the hem of your skirt. The cab driver who takes your money, then tries to take a little more. The group of four friends who spend their evening systematically groping every woman in the bar that night. The man standing against the wall who casually cups your vagina in his hand without even looking at you. The boy who grabs you, gropes you, and tells you he’s going to rape you in order to give his friends a laugh.
And then it doesn’t stop.
The man on the crowded Metro who grinds his pelvis into your back every time the train bumps, whose erection is in full view when you escape to an open seat two stops later.
The man who targets you on the packed dance floor, puts his legs between yours, and doesn’t let go until he ejaculates.
The man who targets you on the Metro, follows you to your destination, trails you to your car, then leans on your driver’s-side door until he gets what he came for.
The funeral director at your boyfriend’s grandmother’s memorial service who sees you hanging around at the back of the chapel, shoves his hand between your legs, and squeezes.
And what do you do? You don’t know what to do. You stiffen up. You edge away. You wait until he’s finished. You convince yourself it was just an accident. You turn it into a joke to tell your friends. You don’t tell anybody. You can’t sleep. You shake with rage. You daydream about it for months afterwards. You fantasize about pounding his face into the pavement. You would have said something, but he was bigger than you. You would have said something, but he smelled like alcohol. You would have said something, but you didn’t have any proof. You would have said something, but it wasn’t worth your time. You would have said something, but you didn’t want to embarrass him. Next time, you’ll say something.
Or you do say something, and he denies it—why would he want to touch your ass? Or you tell your friends, and they tell you you’re too meek. You need to start walking with more confidence. Or you scream, but he’s already down the street, across the club, on another train. And everyone turns to look at you like you’re crazy. Or you report him to the bartender, who says he’ll kick the guy out. And he doesn’t.
Or you dump a beer on his head. You stick a 5-inch stiletto heel into the top of his foot. You’ve been groped one too many times. You punch him in the kidneys. You call three police departments until someone takes your case.
These are the experiences of D.C.’s groping victims. The scenes of their crimes are our local bars, bookstores, national parks, parking lots, Red Lines, and sidewalks. Their attackers are their cab drivers, dance partners, friends, and fellow passengers. Their gropes occurred in plain view of hundreds of witnesses. But despite the highly public nature of these sexual assaults, the majority of these groping victims did not report their attacks to police. Some of them never told their friends. A few didn’t even move an inch.
Gropers succeed in a system where sexual assault is minimized as an accident, a joke, a myth, or a fact of life. Over the next month, this column will examine how the system works to claim others’ bodies as public property while excusing away the District’s most prolific sexual assailants.
This column is the first in a series. Part 2: Why Some Groping Victims Stay Silent. Read all the Sexist's groping coverage here.
Illustration by Brooke Hatfield
10:49 am
Nice to see the fine art of frottage is still practiced in DC. And by nice I mean disgusted. This was big back in the '80s; I lost track of all the women who've griped to me about it happening on the Metro and in clubs. Any way we can ship these guys to the Tokyo subway?
10:55 am
Well done.
Reminds me of the time my friend was grabbed between the legs when walking home from my house. She was shocked but managed to yell at the guy, who ran away. Then she cried. So did I.
Can we also talk about dudes who put their arms around you, touching you in places that are pretty damn safe - shoulders, back, etc - but who are total strangers? I always find that weird - you'll be sitting at the bar, and some guy just casually throws his arms over your shoulder. You look over, thinking it's your friend, and then you realize you have no idea who this dude is. You shake him off, and then he's mad - he didn't GROPE you, per se, so why are you freaking?
Just another way in which women's bodies are considered public property.
12:30 pm
If I see someone being mistreated like that in public, what could I possibly do to help?
12:37 pm
If the groping comes as a total surprise--if you happen not to be alert to the possibility, lost in thought or whatever--it is indeed easy to fail to respond sufficiently.
It's worth considering practicing screaming very loud, in response. Screaming is a very natural response to any kind of startling, shocking behavior, but societal conventions serve to silence us in some public situations.
Take back the scream. Screaming can also serve the purpose of offering a very satisfying resolution to the inevitable obsessive replaying in one's mind of the incident.
Scream, scream, scream.
12:55 pm
I cannot thank you enough for this article.
1:27 pm
SOME OF THIS SHIT IS OVER THE TOP TO GIVE THE STORY A SINCE OF SENSATIONALISM!
HOWEVER THERE ARE DUDES OUT HERE THAT DO SOME OF WHAT MS. HESS DESCRIBES IN HER PIECE.
A BIT OF ADVICE FOR YOU LADIES
STOP SLEEP WALKIN WHEN U ON THE STREET IF YOU FEAR THESE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO U! UNPLUG! HAVING COFFEE IS GOOD. THAT WAY YOU CAN DOUSE THE GROPER (IF RETALIATION IS IN YOUR REPERTOIRE)
WHEN U AT DA CLUB DONT GET SO SHIT FACED THAT U CANT REACT PROPERLY WHEN SOME CLOWN APPROACHES U IN THAT MANNER. WHEN SITTING AT BAR FACE AWAY FROM BAR.
2:53 pm
I hardly think it's fair to call someone a groper because they get hard on the subway. It just turns me on jeez! Also the picture at the top of this article makes it look like the girl is punching dick at first glance.
2:58 pm
Screaming is a great response, but if you really want to get even it would be a great idea to try to get the guy arrested. Otherwise, even if the bar throws him out, he is back on the street and can do the same thing at the bar down the block.
Has anyone ever had any success getting a police response for these assaults in a bar, club or other environment where the perp stuck around?
3:25 pm
If there's that much criminal groping going on in DC, you should probably move...
3:53 pm
I had a creepy groping experience in Chicago over the New Year weekend. I'm a very tiny girl...about 4 foot 11. A guy at the bar announced to me "You're so small!" He then reached down, grabbed around my butt and lifted me into the air. I've actually had this happen on multiple occaisions. It's like, because I'm short, people think I'm a toy?
Also, I have huge boobs, and I've had random people (of both sexes) approach me, seemingly perplexed, and touch my breasts the same way someone might pat a pregnant lady's belly. At the least when women touch my breasts, they usually ask first.
3:56 pm
any unwanted touching is assault. if the officer refuses to take a complaint, file a report with the DCPD and report the officer and your assailant.
3:57 pm
correction. assault is the fear of an unwanted touching. even if you think youre about to be groped, that person has committed a crime and a tort, for which you can sue.
a battery is the actual touching.
hence assault AND battery.
4:25 pm
WHEN SITTING AT BAR FACE AWAY FROM BAR.
Of course men come up from behind you and grab you against your will -- it's because you have your back to them! If you FACED them then they wouldn't come up BEHIND you now would they? Sheesh, whiny women.
4:28 pm
Noodlez -
While I am down with your possibly Wu-Tang referencing name, I cannot get down with your placing responsibility on women for stopping/dealing with groping. You're right to tell women that it's ok to fight back, but please. Why not some advice for your fellow dudes? Like, don't touch a woman you don't know?
I'm also not surprised that admonishing women to not get drunk was part of your advice too. I'm not even going to get into all the reasons why that isn't helpful/is victim-blaming.
Also, I'm seriously supposed to sit facing away from the bar all the time? What the fuck is wrong with you? How am I going to get shots - oh wait, I'm not supposed to get drunk. I get it now!
8:03 pm
"correction. assault is the fear of an unwanted touching. even if you think youre about to be groped, that person has committed a crime and a tort, for which you can sue."
Nonsense. That belief will just make matters worse. Assault is *intimidation*, the *threat* of an attack, not the simple fear of being touched undesirably.
Of course even as a "threat" that still crosses the line between truth and fantasy far too often. Again women make the situation worse for themselves by crying wolf too often.
But still. Having ridden a crowded metro, bus, whatever, many times myself and having gone out of my way to avoid bumping into or touching women especially on their butts or whatever (again in a crowded environment where I just wanted to get on the train), I can only say that doing it on purpose is simply sick. Who the hell wants a complete stranger to get on them like that?
And I can smell the fear of these women, that I'm just another guy who is going to exploit that situation. Why the hell would I want some strange woman to think that I'm about to fondle her or rub up against her?
It's a shame what our society has come to because there are guys (and maybe women) who actually do this on purpose. But when it happens, even if you're totally shocked and amazed, you have to snap to it and prosecute the issue. Get out your ipod and turn it off. Yell "stop!" draw attention to the situation. Stand there and confront your assailant. If you don't do that, who is going to do that for you?
And if no one does anything about it, what do you think is going to happen? He's going to say "I did it and got away with it, so it's going to work...let's try it again!"
Getting angry at yourself for doing nothing isn't doing the job? You need to get even more angry at yourself. And DO something.
Of course this is exactly what women hate about guys, that they react in anger and become aggressive. But if you want to be a victim that's the way to go about it. Let the guy walk away and do it to someone else, and someone else will come and do it to you. It will never end until you take steps to end it.
8:16 pm
Either there is tons of unwanted groping going on, or DC is full of androgynous angry at the world feminists, like the author.
I am inclined to think the former.
9:06 pm
haha :) i love groping but i'm a smart groper, i'd get behind a woman preferably wearing a skirt so her ass feels firm and i'd silently keep feeling her ass from the back of my hand.. I've done this a mill times :) chubby white 35 year old babes have the best ass i could get on my knees and lick it forever :) long live gropers :)
9:17 pm
groper U SICK DUDE!
9:31 pm
Jesus fucking christ.
Jesus fucking christ.
9:40 pm
@jf1
You make a lot of good points in your comment, and I don't want to alienate anyone who are genuinely interesting in the well being of women, but I just wanted you to consider that a lot of women don't do something because they are afraid. Its easy to demand action of yourself when you aren't in that situation, because I tell myself that sort of thing all the time. But, let me tell you, when you're in a bar, or on a subway and you have to go somewhere by yourself, a lot of things cross your mind like "If I yell at this guy, is he going to attack me in the parking lot of the bar?" Top that off with women's socialization to keep quiet and not make a fuss, and I think its easy to see why many women just bear it as another tax on being female.
12:14 am
Some of these replies make me sick. And its not just Washington...this stuff happens everywhere (including Melbourne Aus where I am from), its disturbing how common it is. But then with attitudes such as some expressed in these comments, how can it be surprising?
Usually women are too shocked to say anything about it right then and there. And I guess that is the groper's power - the stealthy and quick assault. It's happened to me and I was too shocked and sickened to do anything about it when in retrospect I should have turned around and punched the guy in the face.
2:06 am
thank you for explaining to me how to grope the american ladies, this is a good guide yes.
2:20 am
Fat bitches getting groped should be thanking their lucky stars.
Alcohol makes men do such dastardly things!
9:56 am
Three words: Learn Krav Maga
10:53 am
Some of these comments are appalling. This *isn't* funny or okay or silly or reactive. I've personally been groped/harassed several times, including once where I was waiting for a bus at PG plaza and some dude walks behind me, slips his hands between my legs and then runs off. I was so upset, I couldn't scream. I just got onto the bus and started shaking... And, I'm not some "victim"--I'm an activist in the sexual violence prevention movement. But when you are violated like that, doing nothing but being a friggin' person, it's sometimes immobilizing.
Oh right, but I should have been doing something differently, I suppose. Like, wearing pants means I'm just asking for it. And man, going around being slutty, waiting for the bus at 8:30am in the morning. Wow. I guess I got what I deserved.
2:55 pm
This article is very upsetting to me, as a guy. Here I was feeling mildly guilty for checking out well-dressed ladies on the subway--but I would never grope a woman. That's horrible and low class, seriously.
3:43 pm
Battery calls for a harmful or offensive contact. If the person who touched you did it in a manner that can easily be construed as a mistake and also occurs regularly in crowded situations, then that contact is not harmful or offensive, especially if there is no way to prove intent.
since harmful and offensive contact must be thought to be imminent in an assault case, assault would not work under the same harful or offensive analysis used above.
anyway, they really grab you on the dance floor and not let go until they've squeezed one out? wow. humans shouldnt be packed in the way we are on the subway and in clubs etc...reality is the reason this stuff happens is because, like the back of the hand on the booty dude alluded to, it can be construed as accidental. Im willing to venture most of these experiences actually are accidental. If a woman screamed she would appear crazy. Everyone, myself included, is getting their butt touched in a crowded club. Accidently or otherwise.
As for the incidents where people are getting their snatch cupped at a bus stop, that is entirely different from being in a club or concert or crowded train for that matter. The case would be much more compelling if you separated the insiduous from the innocuous. brushing up against someone all too often is just that, and even if the brush against was done intentionally, if the duration and intensity of it was that of an accidental brush against, seriously, are you in the guys head to know if it was intentional or not? - if you are, by all means, scream away, but come on.
4:04 pm
Actually, the standard for battery is intentional harmful or offensive contact. Offensive contact is any unpermitted contacy, even if not physically harmful. It has nothing to do with whether the person who was touching "intentded" to hurt you by doing it. "Intent" in this case means the intent to stick ahand out and touch another person, or to throw a ball and hit another person.
Nobody has to prove in a court of law whether the person who groped you meant to scare or intimidate you, as long as that court is using the legal definition of battery. This is the great unexplored problem in the comment: the point that is so frightening is that institutions, like courts, in this country are inherently patriarchal. Therefore, women's accusations are dismissed and the legal definitions of crimes are treated a little differently when women are the plaintiffs. That is, if law enforcement even agrees to help the woman assert her legal right not to be touched.
The above comment reads like a 101 of antifeminist dissmisiveness: "humans shouldn't be packed so tight in clubs" = absolving gropers who take advantage of a crowd. "If a woman screamed, she would appear crazy" = ignoring the situation that made her scream, and putting the onus of appearing sane onto a woman who has been groped in public. "are you in the guys head (sic) to know if it was intentional" = ridiculous assertion that grabbing someone's crotch is accidental, and that reaconably imputing intent is inappropriate on the woman's part.
5:59 pm
Okay, has any woman actually just turned around and clocked the guy? I've wanted to, many times, but never did because I worried I'd get arrested or something - because I fear that, to a bystander/witness (or police officer), a man groping is "normal" and a woman punching is "crazy, overreacting, dangerous bitch."
Anyone actually try it, though? If so, what happened?
6:54 pm
@ocam
you are meshing intentional with harmful and offensive. It has to be all of the above. granting the man intentionally touched the woman, if he did it in a manner where it was equivalent to accidental, commonly occuring contact, it would be intentional, but not harmful or offensive by the reasonable person standard. A reasonable person would expect to be brushed up against, perhaps on the butt or even breast area, in a club. it happens all the time. Now, if one could prove intent like i did cede in my earlier comment, it would be easier to prove it was actually harmful or offensive to the person being touched as the harm and offense would be in the foul intentions of the toucher not the actual contact (which commonly occurs in crowded situations).
plus I actually said very clearly contact in crowded areas where the intensity or duration of the touch is similar to accidental touching is different from someone cuffing a womans crotch.
i agree, it is patriarchal. maybe you should write a law review article about it. dont shoot the messenger. If a woman on a crowded train screamed because someone brushed her thigh or even pressed their pelvis on their back (no hard on) then people would be like wtf? and rightfulluy so.
7:14 pm
curious -
I did it once. I was in a club and some guy slapped my ass three or four times in quick succession. He had been dancing around behind our group making ass-slapping-during-sex gestures, etc., so I was already on alert, so I just did it. He held his hands up in an 'I'm innocent' kind of way, I summoned up the dirtiest look I've ever managed, then turned around and got on with enjoying myself. I noticed him a few more times that night, and he was behaving himself, so maybe it had an affect on him.
8:25 pm
"Curious" - a punk grabbed my girlfriend's derriere on M St in Georgetown. I punched him in the mouth as hard as I could. It was a straight, near-perfect punch. He fell to the sidewalk, writhing, bleeding. His friends took about five steps back. I took a step toward the punk to kick the shit out of him, but my better sense took over. My girlfriend & I went on our way.
I doubt if that punk grabbed anyone's body for the rest of that night. & maybe, not in the future. I don't know & I don't care.
The bottom line, self-defense [or defense-of-others-violence] violence works. Take some self-defense courses, & don't let anyone fuck with you.
Nicola, at least you stood up for yourself. Next time, attack the groper like Uma in Kill Bill.
8:55 pm
My girlfriend just reminded me that first I pushed the guy back about five feet & said, "what the fuck!" He said some shit & took a step toward me, so I clobbered him.
Case closed. Violence in self-defense or the defense of other works.
10:20 pm
GIGGITY GIGGITY GOO!
1:15 am
Yeah I did something. I always will. And he was fucking sorry.
I'm tall enough. People generally don't fuck with me. He probably regrets it. Pathetic
1:21 am
Oh and #7- she isn't punching his crotch. He pulled her hand to it. If you're a guy and didn't recognize that you're probably nice, or not sleazy?
6:39 pm
You all fail to realise contact like this is not on purpose in >99% of the cases. If you're on an extremely crowded subway ride, people are going to bump into you by accident. If you're walking around in a crowded city, you're at risk to be bumped into. It's a different story if the contact is really sexual in nature of course, for example squeezing someone's ass or something alike.
This whole thing is just stupid. Many women bump into me when I take the subway during peak hours, but you don't see me filing sexual harassment charges against them, now do you? This is feminism gone mad. Double standards obviously apply here, because if a woman brushes against a man, it's completely normal, but if it's the other way around, the man is a potential rapist looking for chances to touch women so he can wank off to the thought of having touched a woman.
Also, this whole article is ridiculous, and obviously written by someone who is completely paranoid. Straight men going to gay clubs as an excuse to be able to grope girls? Seriously, come on.
9:23 pm
How about my father in law groping my ass on the day I'm marrying his son. Oh, and he's a methodist minister involved in bringing all the world religions together. I was glad when his wife divorced him...
10:44 am
Taking unfair advantage of the general size/strength difference between men and women is unconscionable. Guys, give the women sharing these stories the benefit of the doubt. Women have told me of similar incidents, so just because I'm not in their shoes, I don't think, "She's imagining things." Almost none of those men would grope women w/o their consent if the variables were different (physical retaliation by women was commonplace, if they knew the woman's boyfriend or brother was in the nightclub restroom, if the genders were as indistinguishable in punching power as in reading ability). Unsolicited lewd touching is about power- akin to a car full of rednecks yelling a racial slur while splashing their beers on a Black person walking alone- something done because retaliation is unlikely. A female friend of mine once gave me an analogy about catcalling and verbal sexual harassment in NYC. She said a straight guy wouldn't like it if he were walking around Chelsea, and buffed, gay men who could easily overpower him were making lewd comments, making uncomfortable stares, and brushing up against him to cop a feel.He'd feel, "what am I gonna do about it,that guy could snap me like a twig"- and it wouldn't seem cute, flirtatious, or any such "get over it" feeling.
11:30 am
To all those "it wasn't intentional, it was accidental"-defenders: I can tell the difference between someone accidentally brushing up against me and groping me.
I have been gropend several times and most of those times the guys *squeezed* my ass. There's no way that was accidental.
curious - I never hit a man myself, but a friend of mine told did. The man hit right back.
2:04 pm
What Dorothy said. I can also tell the difference by the way the guy is breathing. If the touch is accidental, he's breathing normally. If it's deliberate, he's breathing -- well, like a guy who's getting turned on. I can also sense him being tense and excited by the supposedly-"accidental" contact.
When this kind of touching has happened to me, sometimes I've been paralyzed by surprise and fear, as well as shame. (Women are taught to believe that if we're sexually assaulted, it's our fault -- an attitude that's reflected in plenty of the comments on this series.) When I've had enough presence of mind to react, though, what's worked for me has been loudly pointing out what the guy is doing or just did. "You're touching me. Stop touching me."
Once a guy who was walking in the opposite direction muttered something about my breasts as he passed me. I wheeled around and followed him, pointing at him and saying loudly, "This guy just said something about my boobs. Why did you do that? Are you some kind of sicko?" The street was crowded, so I felt safe doing so. The guy put his head down and started walking faster, but I just kept up with him and kept yelling. Finally he stopped, looked at the people around us (people had stopped to watch) and made the "she's nuts" hand gesture. I looked at the same people and said loudly, "He thinks *I'm* nuts? He's the one who goes around making comments to strange women about their boobs!" The crowd laughed, the guy bolted, and I went on my way, feeling satisfied that he wouldn't do the same thing again (at least not for awhile).
2:34 pm
Learn self-defense. Fight back. If you're in a crowd, go ahead & fight the guy. People will break it up in about five seconds unless you're in a crowd of losers.
Otherwise you're just a victim or a person waiting to be victimized. After 40 years of women's liberation movements, it's hard to believe this bs still happens.
Here are some fighting tips, but go to your local gym or ask a fighter you know to teach you:
1. Most fights are one punch. Learn how to throw a straight punch with your weight behind it. 99% of guys throw these loopy punches that dissipate their strength. A short straight punch right from your shoulder into the groper's nose is all you need to do. If you can break his nose, he's not going to want to fight you or anyone.
2. Don't bother trying to kick a guy in the testicles - most of those kicks miss. A good friend of mine was a street fighter, & he always said to kick a guy in the shins. First, it's hard to miss the shins. Second, it makes the guy fall or at least become unsteady on his feet. Then you tattoo his face with your fists. I've seen this one done dozens of times, & done it several times myself.
3. If you weigh more than about 140 pounds, just put your head down, charge, & plant your head into his solar plexus. Picture your head coming out the guy's back - i.e., put your entire weight behind it. I've won about ten fights just by doing this.
Anyway, learn to fight. It might save you from more than groping. Knowing how to fight can save your life.
PS Nicely done, LangourousLass. Words are a great way to find words, & you did a great job. Let's hope someone he knows saw the whole event & told all of his friends.
8:16 pm
"Learn self-defense. Fight back. If you’re in a crowd, go ahead & fight the guy. People will break it up in about five seconds unless you’re in a crowd of losers."
Great to find that out by experimentation, dude.
I suspect that you will try to punch out every guy that gropes your girlfriend, gaining a good reputation for violence in the process. You'll punch out one guy and then either your girl will ditch you out of frustration, or you'll hit a guy, he'll smile back at you and then wipe the sidewalk with your dumb ass. Either that or put a round into your back.
You seem to be so very smart and cocky but you don't realize that you're just lucky and every fools' luck runs out eventually.
Try this for a change: stop taking your girl to places where she's likely to get her ass grabbed!
8:19 pm
"What Dorothy said. I can also tell the difference by the way the guy is breathing. If the touch is accidental, he’s breathing normally. If it’s deliberate, he’s breathing — well, like a guy who’s getting turned on. I can also sense him being tense and excited by the supposedly-”accidental” contact."
Likewise please stop being so stupid. The whole point of touching you in a crowded environment is so that he can pretend that he did it by accident NOT on purpose. Do you think that he's going to stand there with a silly grin on his face if he meant to do it? Only if he's a dumb-ass like you.
8:26 pm
...anyway, re the Metro, I used to ride the metro every freaking day for months, riding through Metro Center at 9am, catching the red line north. The trains are crowded as shit. Same with the red line south in the afternoon.
Aside from the various parasites that hang out there left behind by the numerous homeless and the disgusting people who drop food and crap all over the trains? The biggest problem is the guys who take advantage of the crowded trains to invade the personal space of the women. At the very least they can turn away from the girls. They do not have to stand quite so close, or tower over them quite so much. Some guys really get into that shit, personally I felt sorry for the women who had to ride those trains and who put up with that crap pretending that it didn't bother them if only for a few stops so that they can get to work every day. I'd happily walk a few extra blocks if I was a girl. But then again I'm not, and I suppose that women have to put up with that on a regular basis, or walk a lot more than they want to, or else drive or catch a ride to work. The other side of the coin is that women are a lot quicker to dismiss a guy than a guy is to dismiss a woman. Those guys ruin things for all of us and women who want a big, strong good-looking guy who is in great shape are faced with the dilemma of how to discover if they are complete assholes before they get in to deep? Well they blow them off at the very first sign of trouble, that's how they do it, until their attraction overwhelms their caution and at that point, well, that's how we end up with date rape and acquaintance rape.
Really it's a mess all around and when you get to the point where you don't have to ride the crowded Metros it's quite a relief. Just too much tension, too much of a reminder of too many bad things.
8:40 pm
"but I just wanted you to consider that a lot of women don’t do something because they are afraid."
Of course. Absolutely. No matter what, women can come in small packages, relative to men, can be much weaker and can be lacking in a killer instinct, the ability to take things up a notch or two too far.
I completely understand this.
How do they compensate for this?
By screaming bloody murder at the drop of a hat. By making a huge big deal out of the slightest issue.
At least *some* of them do.
And certainly there are guys out there who are eager to prove their "manhood" by taking such women "under their wing", as it were. You want to see some crazy crap, watch a guy who thinks that he is protecting a womans' honor challenge another guy who is too full of himself to back down, whether he did anything bad to her or not. They each get into a fight thinking that they are being a man and can't back down from a challenge, can't even *tolerate* a challenge. And there the girl is, trying to get in between them and keep them from fighting, suddenly apologizing and saying that it's not a big deal, it's too late. The nuts are on the pavement and they have to go toe to toe.
You think that I don't know that women are afraid of guys? LOL I've seen more than my share of shit between guys and other guys and guys and girls and I know very well that most of the educated women in the DC area didn't get to be where they are by getting into streetfights :)
What do you think that these chickenshit guys who rub up against them and squeeze them on a dark street or in a crowded hallway are thinking? They're thinking that they can hit it, turn away and by the time that she gets over her outrage they will be long gone, she's unsure of who it was and she won't raise a stink. Then you know what happens, they start to point the finger at guys who LOOK LIKE they could be gropers. The guys that don't quite "fit in", the guys who aren't wearing a suit. The guys who look like they might have trouble with women. When all along the problem is the guy who blends in easily, who no one would suspect for a groper.
Time and time again that is what happens. They work in the shadow of suspicion, while everyone else is focused on watching someone else, someone else who is likely to get blamed for what they do, simply because he was in the wrong place at the wrong time with the wrong "look", dealing with the wrong set of idiots.
You don't have to tell me that women are "nonconfrontational" out of fear. That doesn't mean that they can't do a good job of stirring up trouble out of fear. Indeed it usually means quite the opposite. Women are really good at stirring up a LOT of trouble out of nothing more than fear.
10:02 pm
Women get groped everywhere, jt1. My girlfriend & I were on the sidewalk on M Street in Georgetown in the early evening, & we both live in Georgetown. So according to you we're supposed to avoid walking on M Street in Georgetown?
Idiot. I am replying to a clown like you just so the other people can see clearly what a clown you are.
8:42 am
I feel for women after readinh this. I had no idea this went on. My only suggestion is to shame the groper by screaming and making a public scene/ shouting/ embarassing the groper. Also Hank, I think women can tell the difference between being brushed against in a crowded mall or subway station because of the fray of activity and being deliberately groped. Groping is not ok and must not be tolerated.
10:33 pm
I went to see Grandmaster Flash at Ibiza last night.
I'm a tall white guy, not too bad looking.
I was battered by intense booty dancing all night.
It was shocking how many girls came up to me and grinded their backsides on me.. ..I think that their intention was to get an arousal..
btw - worst CP article ever on style.
11:15 am
Wait, Comrade Al Gonzales, vanguard of the proletariat, lives in Georgetown?
1:33 pm
I'm interested at how many suggestions there are on this thread for women on how they should react to groping. If we frame this discussion in a "what should women do when they are groped" way, that continues to put the onus on a woman to make groping as bad as possible for the groper. This isn't victim-blaming per se, but it is assigning the proper reaction to the victim of groping, hoping that her reaction will make the groping stop.
In order to stop the problem, we need to assign blame to the gropers and suggest ways that they can be stopped, while also not putting the responsibility for stopping them on their victims.
3:02 pm
Did I ever mention I <3 Amanda Hess? Thanks for being so awesome, perceptive, feminist, and tenacious.
10:57 am
jf1:
If you are concerned about getting mistakenly identified as a groper, I suggest you take pains to be alert for gropers when in crowded areas and do your best to stop them when you witness an assault. Maybe you could take some self-defense classes and learn some conflict resolution skills. Make sure you stand on the train in the best position for observing and intervening should someone grope a woman. Remaining oblivious is one of the largest risk factors in being misidentified as a groper. Make sure you don't compromise your judgement.
What is that you say? You shouldn't have to be vigilant all the time? You shouldn't have to devote all your attention in public places to thwarting unwanted advances? It shouldn't be your responsibility to prevent bad behavior? The proper authorities should be on the case?
that's what I say too, only when I make that assertion, I*'m a crazy women stirring up unnecessary trouble. Or, I'm an irresponsible slut who should know how to handle herself properly.
5:13 pm
SJL:
usually I don't read comments on articles like these because they just depress me, but your last comment made it all worth it.
"What is that you say? You shouldn’t have to be vigilant all the time? You shouldn’t have to devote all your attention in public places to thwarting unwanted advances? It shouldn’t be your responsibility to prevent bad behavior? The proper authorities should be on the case?"
I'm not sure it will actually persuade any of these "oh i'm sure they're just accidents" or "women stir up trouble all the time" or "man this is sexist nobody objects to women brushing up against men on the subway" types, because I'm not sure anything could - but it's so true that it hurts.
3:31 am
Amanda, thank you for writing this series. I hope it makes guys more aware of some of the experiences that many girls & women have to face (and be on their guard against). I am 23, and I have four younger brothers. It's interesting to think about how much of my life they won't ever 'get'. We have different experiences of walking down the street in a public space. When I pass by a group of builders I stop thinking & I am nervous. When my brothers pass by a group of builders (or whoever) they won't think twice about it, they feel free & safe in a public space. I have experienced sexual harrassment (from builders and other men), but not public groping. Clearly many women DO experience groping in public places, though - it's great to see an article written about this very quiet, insidious assault. It makes me angry to think that groper's almost always get away with it, because the groper is a stranger, and it happens quickly in a public place. Reporting him to the police won't do anything if he has disappeared - and he knows it.