University Sex Columns, Reviewed: Lesbians Don’t Scissor Edition
The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of ice cream sundaes, hand-holding, and offensive lesbian stereotypes?
This week: When fuck-buddies stop fucking; exploring the "mystery" of lesbian sex; parsing the appeal of the "holiday honey."
THE GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY
Sex Tips: GWU Hatchet sex columnist Layla is breaking up with her fuck-buddy, "007." The new development helps Layla realize that sex with 007 was just filling another void. "Amidst flashbacks of all of the ways he could make me shiver, I realized that 007 and I tend to fall back into our pattern of hooking up when we're trying to get over particularly bad breakups," she writes. "After a messy breakup, it was always easy to go from innocently hanging out with 007 in his basement, to going down on him."
Life Lesson: Fucking is not as powerful as Facebook. "One of my friends says the best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one . . . At the end of the day, however, the feeling of 007's hands all over me didn't entirely replace the tactile memories I had formed of hookups with my ex," she writes. "I still had to get over my ex using the tried-and-true method of time and patience, not to mention hiding his updates on my Facebook news feed."
Progressive Meter: Layla has sex with dudes she has no interest in dating, and they're both adults about it. Great! I just hope 007 was going down on you, too. Seven.
Sex Tips: This time around, AU's anonymous threesome employs a fourth wheel, Beaver McRugmuncher, to help the trio deal with the subject of—guess!—"the phenomena of lesbians." Yes! I have been waiting all semester to hear Buster Darkhole's theories on lesbians! Go on: "Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts," they write. "Everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians. However, from what we have heard, lesbians do not actually do this."
Life Lesson: "Rule number one: don’t piss off a lesbian. They are naturally born with the ability to kick your ass." Umm . . . too late!
Progressive Meter: Let's see here. We're debunking some stereotypes (lesbians rush into relationships) while creating some others (lesbians will "kick your ass"). We're erasing some common fantasies ("everyone inevitably thinks of scissoring when they think of lesbians") and replacing them with some . . . less-common ones (lesbian sex "is like a Jell-O shot: first, you get your finger in to loosen it up, then place your mouth around it to get at the goods.") At the same time, we're reminding everyone that "lesbians are more than just Jell-O shots at parties." Color me confused! Two points. I guess.
Sex Tips: Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey introduces me to a couple of new relationship terms: "Holiday Honey" and "DFMO." Leahey got "Holiday Honey" from her mom: "My mom began using it several years ago, when my older sister was a freshman in college. Every break (Columbus Day, Thanksgiving, Winter, et cetera), Kelly and her high school boyfriend would rekindle their flame for several days, then let it fizzle when they returned to their respective schools." God knows where DFMO came from, but it stands for "Dance-floor make-out." According to Urban Dictionary: "Most of the time a DFMO is voluntary, but they can also occur when a drunkard grabs your face and starts making sweet sweet love to it."
Life Lessons: Holiday Honeys "knew you before you went to keggers and made out on the dance floor with several other partygoers in a night. They evoke a general innocence in you, a quality that can seem lost in the throes of chaotic college events. When with them, you’re reminded of corsages, ice cream dates and movies you never actually watched," Leahey writes. "The nostalgia associated with an old flame is extremely comforting."
Progressive Meter: Side-note: I think name-checking your mom in a sex column is really sweet. Too bad she's invoked to make the argument that relationships were so much better in the good old days of the 1950's high school. Four.