The Sexist

The Christian Side-Hug: “Front Hugs Be Too Sinful”

[youtube:v=m_Oj0-splZw]

Attention, Christian kids: If you like not having sex, not speaking the Lord's name in vain, and not being gay, then you'll love the newest trend in policing typical adolescent behaviors in the name of God. It's called the The Christian Side-Hug, and it's here to help the devout avoid the temptation of full frontal hugging. Don't worry—it's cool, because they made a "rap" song about it.

According to Stuff Christians Like, there's no "exact scripture reference" banning normal hugging. But the Side-Hug does significantly lower the "risk of two crotches touching," which has got to be in the Bible somewhere. Here's how you do it:

Instead of face to face, you go side to side, putting your arm around the person and your hip against their’s. Still having a hard time mastering it? Pretend you’re taking a photo and you’re both looking at the camera together. The side hug, or A frame as it is also called, is safe for the whole family, friendly and above all holy.

The Christian Side-Hug strikes me as almost skeezily chaste—I'd much rather have a brief normal embrace with a stranger than a hip-tap from a person who I know sexualizes even the most mundane forms of human contact. But the Side-Hug itself is slightly less offensive than the medium being used to promote it: An appropriated version of "rap music" performed by a bunch of white youth pastors who think that mixing in some  gang-ish hand signals, tying on a bandana, and securing some fake bling will bring the youth to God.

The Christian Side-Hug rap comes courtesy of the Encounter Generation Conference, an annual Christian youth gathering which hopes to "bring the power, authenticity, and relevance of Jesus Christ to their culture." I'm afraid that this potent combination of absurd chastity and mock hip-hop will be more likely to bring the power of a school-yard beat-down to these kids' faces.

  • Andrea Stuart

    And, on a side note, here's Christian Side Hug v. 2.0:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70WJemBVLHQ

  • Ukulelemike

    Jennifer, you're right-Independent Baptists generally don't do the whole 'rap' thing, or any other 'CCM' for that matter. However, we are a huggy bunch! IN fact, if anyone actually reads their Bibles, you see that Christians are often told to give a "holy kiss' to the brethren. Now, I know that it doesn't mean a male kissing a female-that's easy. But a hug, in friendship, I have no problem with, being an Independent Fundamental Baptist pastor, even male or female. I suppose for young people, who have them raging hormones, might want to be a bit more controlled, but not because it's cool, but because its right.

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  • Fro

    Amanda,

    Great article, the video was hilariously ironic and your writing captured the 'cheese' of it very well.

    That being said, would you like to meet up sometime and gimmie some of that christian side hug ;)

    Fro

  • English

    "Jesus never hugged nobody like that!" They are trying to fool you people!! That's a double negative. He DID front hug people! Haha-

    I don't ever hang out with anybody who finds a front hug sexual. That just makes me think you are a pervert.

  • http://www.Christiansarehomos.co.za Side Hugga

    GAY GAY GAY GAY!
    My side hug involves my cock on your hip - no "frontal" touching required

  • http://www.tfhchurch.tv pastor nathan

    They should just give them all snuggies at the door. That would solve it. LOL. And it would definitely help with the whole "abstinence" thing. And yes, I really am a youth pastor of a Christian church.

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  • Fred

    So side hugs and only anal before marriage, right?

  • RoseIndy

    Satire or not, I'd say a good proportion of Christians are perverted enough to sexualize a hug this much. Heck, try and even mention something like a gay couple getting a joint bank loan and see how many of them start thinking about anal sex. Absurd.

    This kind of unhealthy obsession over thwarting physical affection started the modern porn and prostitution industries ..

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  • Andrea

    Stuff Christians Like is a funny blog, as in satire. As in "Stuff White People Like". Jon, the writer, is in fact, a serious Christian, but he is also a seriously funny writer and Stuff Christians Like is his funny baby. Anyone can take a trip over there and check it out and if you are smart, you will see it's meant to be funny.

  • christie

    your comment about "I’d much rather have a brief normal embrace with a stranger than a hip-tap from a person who I know sexualizes even the most mundane forms of human contact" so completely encapsulates my feelings about growing up in the church.

    i would be in these youth groups where everyone was so sexually frustrated that even the slightest amount of skin showing, or slightest touch on the arm had huge insinuations. not healthy.

  • http://tooroads.blogspot.com/ Calvin Ramsey

    I am a christian. I believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins. Yes I follow and believe in Jesus and (try) to follow His commands.
    But this is just ridiculous....
    This is exactly what bothers me most about christians today. Most of them (including myself, i try not to) put down others who aren't and represent Jesus in such extreme ways that it just defeats the purpose...Jesus loves us no matter what we do. So, I say give all the hugs (THE RIGHT WAY) all you want.

  • idiots

    All the people saying "OMG your so dumb SCL is satire!" like 100 comments after the fact are soo annoying. WE GET IT, SCL IS SATIRE, but the side hug exists as does this video.
    The internet is really a great tool for revealing how dumb the general population is...

  • nick

    Why do people keep thinking this is satire, this was made at the encounter generation conference which is not satire, these people were completely serious. It just so happened to be posted on the stuff christians like. But it was not satire made by scl. People need to get there facts straight. This is not satire, these people are serious, I know, especially since I have a little cousin who attended the conference.

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  • NightDrifter145

    Let us take a closer look at one specific section of lyrics:

    "Stop and listen
    No front hugs and no kissin'
    I ain't that scared to call your momma
    You'll be ridin' home in a coma"

    Anyone see anything slightly disturbing about this little section of the lyrics? Such as the part where the "gangsta chriztian" threatens to either beat up or kill anyone he sees giving a front hug? The "You'll be ridin' home in a coma" part... This song's message of using violence to enforce abstenance might remind us of a certain group of people in the Middle East who use violence on women for being in the same room as a man that isnt her husband.

  • Logic maker

    listen to these lyrics.
    "Im not that afraid to call yo momma you will be ridin home in a coma."
    So its not okay to hug somebody from the front but it is okay to beat them into a coma if they do so. wtf????

  • http://www.kittenslingerie.com lingerie

    this is hilarious. also if women made sure to wear underwear that actually covers their bum it would stop sending the wrong signals.

  • rough rider

    Do they know what "rough-rider" refers to? Because...damn, that's a pretty prominent part of the song's chorus...

    "I'm a rough-rider, filled up with Christ's love." THAT takes it to a whole new level too.

  • nick

    hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
    thats all.

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  • http://jonnyandy.tumblr.com Jonathan H.

    I just wanna say that this is not the newest trend in controlling adolescent behavior. They told us to do this back in 1997, when I was in Jr-Hi!

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