Allison Henry had a rough year. A lot of  bad shit went down, but long story short, her vagina fell out. Today, Ami Angelowicz at The Frisky detailed Henry’s story. “I am going to spare you the details because I am squeamish and feel too pukey to write about them,” explains Angelowicz. She does pass along this little tidbit about Henry’s lady-bits, however: “As a consolation prize for all of her suffering (and it was a lot of suffering), she now has the vagina of a 13-year-old with perfect-looking labia.”

Allow me to list all the horrific medical details of Henry’s vagina-falling-out that are far, far less puke-tastic than the phrase “the vagina of a 13-year-old with perfect-looking labia.” From Henry’s testimony on MomLogic.com (emphasis mine):

  • “About ten weeks into my pregnancy, I was doing prenatal yoga and it felt like someone had rammed a pitchfork up my butt.”
  • “when I ran to the bathroom, I saw I was gushing blood everywhere.”
  • “I kept bleeding for 15 weeks straight.”
  • “One day in the bathroom, I felt something kind of strange when I was wiping. There wasn’t really a hole there—-it felt kind of flat.”
  • “I had a massive emergency appendectomy, I got gangrene, and I was hospitalized.”
  • “One night, I took a look down there, and it was like my insides were on the outside and they were coming out.”
  • “I went to my doctor and said, ‘My vagina is falling out of my body!‘”
  • “It was literally falling out of my body.”
  • “It turned out I had complete uterine prolapse, where the uterus is falling out of the body. I also had rectocele, where the walls of the vagina are weakened, and your rectum is pushing into the back wall of your vagina. That explained why I had been constipated for months.“
  • “I had to have surgery, and they took my uterus out. All the ligaments that hold the uterus in place were completely shredded by all the blood I’d lost in my second pregnancy.”
  • “My doctor . . . had to untwist my bladder and place it right-side-up. It had twisted and turned upside down.”
  • “seven days after my surgery, I was watching ‘Snow White’ with my daughter when my son came into the room. He didn’t like the seating arrangement and sort of lunged on top of my daughter. I had to push him off her, and when I did, I heard a loud ripping sound. Oh, no. I looked under the comforter, and my entire bed was covered with blood. It was like a horror movie—-you could see the blood filling the entire white bed.”
  • “In 15 minutes, I had passed 10 huge palm-sized blood clots.”
  • “the ER doctor was trying to figure out where the blood was coming from, but couldn’t see because there was too much blood gushing out. . . He called my doctor and said: ‘I can’t see where it’s coming from. She’s bleeding so fast and so much, I can’t see. I’m killing her!'”
  • “They put me on an antibiotic that I was allergic to — I got a full body rash and was covered in red bumps from my head to my ankles.”
  • “Six months later, I started having this weird discharge that had a funky odor. I was still in pain. It turned out my body was now rejecting the second set of sutures.”

Yep! I would rather hear about gangrene, hand-sized blood clots, full-body rashes, twisted bladders, loud internal ripping, weird discharge, anal pitchforks, month-long genital bleeding, and vagina loss than the happy ending that comes at the conclusion of this medical horror:

  • “The experience has been a total nightmare, but I’m happy to say I’m on the mend. We just had a cocktail party to celebrate me feeling healthy. And I do have the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin, with a perfect labia, as a bonus.”

Listen, Henry. I’m happy for you. I am. You went through some bad shit, and now your vagina is back inside your body, and I think that’s wonderful. But I never, ever, ever, ever again want to have to think about a grown woman having a “the vagina of a 13-year-old virgin.” That’s some messed up heebie-jeebies shit. I don’t even want to Google that phrase, ever, for fear of what I might find.

Apparently, virginal pre-teen is kind of the gold standard for new vaginas on MomLogic.com. Hear the testimony of “Sara,” a 37-year-old woman who recently became “a virtual born-again virgin” with her brand-spanking-new genitalia:

So now I’m on the mend, with a teenage-sized vagina. My husband has been such a doll since I’ve been home; cooking, vacuuming, cleaning and dressing the kids, taking them to and from school, buying me chocolates and cheerleader costumes . . . how sweet. My sister replied to this, “Well, how many husbands get two vaginas out of the same old wife?” As far as how this new organ is going to work in six weeks, when all restrictions are lifted, who knows? The way things are at present, no man’s apparatus, even of the Fisher Price variety, could ever fit down there. Still, I’ll try to write a follow up report when it happens. That is, if my husband and I ever leave the bedroom again!

Eww! Earmuffs! I know you’re all excited about your new vaginas or whatever, but could you please refrain from referring to them as “teenage-sized,” admiring your newly “virginal” look, and especially—-I’m begging you—-invoking Fisher Price?

Photo by clango, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0