Comments on: When A Rape Fantasy Isn’t

By: rapeliza

rapeliza — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 17:35:00 +0000

Her rape story horrible ( i am rape victim too..

By: The New Agenda » Blog Archive » Imagination and Reality: Keep Rape in its Place

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 12:01:35 +0000

[...] I never thought that a feminist’s understanding of rape would be a controversial issue, especially within the feminist community. However, the misguided concept that rape fantasies are “empowering” has clearly demonstrated that rape is controversial even within the feminist community. [...]

By: J

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 06:13:49 +0000

Looks like we need a new term. Just as not all killings are murder (there's voluntary manslaughter, involuntary manslaughter, etc.), perhaps not all unwelcome sexual encounters should be termed rape. I think if we had a better word for what happened, there wouldn't be such a violent divide over the boyfriend. If you insist that what happened was "rape", then he's a "rapist" -- but that word has some pretty horrible associations which are not really fair to him.

By: kristen

kristen — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 02:22:04 +0000

Eek only some readers blamed her! I read The Frisky all the time and I comment frequently. Many readers and other frisky contributors commented supporting Anouk for telling her story. I think the most important lesson from her experience could be the importance of talking about sexual fantasies, experiences, wishes, and boundaries. It was "her bad" that she didn't fully explain and "his bad" that he sprung the experience on her. I think in a way, no one is to blame here because no one had all the information at the time.

By: Emily H.

Emily H. — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 19:23:17 +0000

Well said, Amanda. Expressing a taboo fantasy like this doesn't give the boyfriend the excuse that "well, I thought you'd like it." Anyone who had any idea what they're doing would know that acting out this type of role-play would involve prior consent and a safeword. You wouldn't just spring it on someone, especially not after a fight. She didn't confuse or mislead the boyfriend; he chose to take advantage. "Actually fulfilling the fantasy—laying powerless on the bed as her boyfriend forced himself on her—absolutely horrified her." I would argue that "actually fulfilling the fantasy" for a woman like this would involve a safe, consensual role-play, not a real rape -- since, as you point out, a key ingredient of the fantasy is that the "victim" invents the script and keeps control. I read The Frisky sometimes, and think it's brave of Collins to write honestly about this. It sucks that readers are blaming her.

By: kza

kza — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 15:38:39 +0000

Well it seems like her boyfriend put the guilt on her. That is not how I would have would react. I would have at least gave her a "my bad".

By: recursiveparadox

recursiveparadox — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:48:08 +0000

@Quinn:

Just wanna say that there is such a thing as unintentional rape.

You can rape someone without intending to do so. This is because rape is defined by the lack of consent of and harm to the victim and not by the perpetrator's intent.

Can't even imagine how awful that must be, realizing that one raped and harmed someone one loves due to one's own kink incompetence. :( The guilt must be intense.

By: Quinn

Quinn — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 19:04:30 +0000

This is sick. Seriously. Why do people post so much information about their lives on the internet? But that is besides the point. I'm sorry for what happened to Anouk - regardless of whether her boyfriend was raping her or acting out a fantasy role he thought she would enjoy based on previous conversations. I think that when one person introduces rape fantasies they need to also, in the SAME conversation, establish boundaries, safe words, expectations, etc. Otherwise on any particular occasion, one person thinks they're being a good bf/gf by "surprising" the other person with a fantasy enactment, and the other person ends up being traumatized as Anouk was. I don't know what her bf's intentions were. And I'm not judging Anouk. If I were in her shoes, I'd get the police involved.

By: Amanda Hess

Amanda Hess — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:19:51 +0000

Agreed. Kinks arise for a variety of reasons, and I didn't mean to be essentialist about it. But yeah, that's why you talk, ask, discuss, etc. instead of assume ... and rape someone. Also good reading: this week's Savage Love has an interesting discussion about kink as a psychological process.

By: recursiveparadox

recursiveparadox — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 17:09:38 +0000

Some rape fantasies also arise from the attempts to overcome sexual repression, being able to simulate not having control helps to assuage sexual guilt created by our slut shaming culture and allows someone to enjoy sex without mood killing feelings of shame.

But yeah, actually engaging in a rape simulation has to be done with safewords, a way out and with both people's knowledge. Surprising your g/f with a rape simulation makes it no longer a simulation if she doesn't want it. He was way in the wrong. Way way in the wrong.