The Sexist

The Dildos of the Future

There are hundreds of types of dildos out there. But can there ever be too many dildos? With only a prosthetic penis and a dream, five inventors have dared to break the genital mold (one, literally) by submitting their variations on the dildo for U.S. government review. Behold: the Dildos of the Future (patent pending):

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "The double anchor strapless dildo"

dildo1

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: April 9, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Dildos of the future will engage the "bony structure of the symphysis pubis," which will finally replace the pesky and impractical "strap" with AN ANCHOR IN YOUR VAGINA:

A double-anchor strapless dildo has an insertion shaft (1) formed for insertion in a vagina of a first female by a second female to whom the insertion shaft is double-anchored with an anal anchor (4) and a vaginal anchor (5) on an attachment base (2). . . . the attachment base has a vaginal-anchor hook (11) formed for engaging bony structure of the symphysis pubis and for engaging erogenous entry walls of the vagina of the second female while being double-anchored to the second female with the anal anchor and the vaginal anchor.

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "personal exercise system"

dildo2

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: February 25, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Basically, takes an ab cruncher and puts a dildo on it. "The present invention relates to a personal exercise system and more particularly pertains to for allowing a user to perform a sexual exercise in a stimulating and healthful manner," the application reads.

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "Rocker apparatus"

dildo3

dildo4

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: November 6, 2007

HOW IT WORKS: "A sexual aide apparatus comprising a wicker rocking chair with a simulated male member frictionally held by wicker in a front panel of the chair and a method of using the apparatus."

Actually, I have no idea how this works.

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "method of making a detailed replica"

dildo5

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: June 29, 2004

HOW IT WORKS: Facilitates creating the inexpensive, detailed replica of a penis . . . for any time you need an inexpensive, detailed replica of a penis:

A method of making an inexpensive, detailed replica of an actual penis by using a specifically designed cylindrical molding container filled with a formable and curable molding material to produce the mold, placing a phallic shaped vibrating device into that mold to partially fill the area, then filling the remainder of the mold with a pour able, curable casting material to create the finished copy.

DILDO OF THE FUTURE: "Entertainment Articles of Manufacture Using the Idea of Female Sperm as a Plot Element"

[Not pictured].

PATENT APPLICATION DATE: July 31, 2007

HOW IT WORKS: This patent application doesn't intend to create a dildo which ejaculates female sperm—it only intends to further the idea of a dildo which ejaculates female sperm as a plot element in lesbian erotica, science fiction, political literature, and what have you:

Not only is there an absence of female sperm as a plot element in the no-limits-to-ideas worlds of science fiction and fantasy, but also there is no published motivation to so use female sperm as a plot element.

Such motivation is missing in the wealth of literature of lesbian fantasy stories, lesbians who presumably would be most motivated to have such fantasies of female sperm (especially in an era of the fight for legalizing same sex marriage). For example, some stories make use of certain strap-on artificial human penises that have the ability to squirt a liquid at an appropriate moment, presumably, to simulate ejaculation (Google search using "ejaculating dildo").

You would think that at least one pair of lesbians in a loving relationship, using such a device for entertainment, would have thought "If only the fake sperm was real and from our cells", and created entertainment about a world where female sperm from women exist.

In case it wasn't obvious, this patent was filed by a dude.

...