The Sexist

Date Rape Anthems: Karaoke No-No Edition

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What's the rapiest song you could choose to sing at your local watering hole's karaoke night? Three out of three random Internet commenters agree: Sublime's "Date Rape" will never get you laid. Readers, please: Don't be Date Rape Karaoke Guy this weekend!

This guy, who calls himself "SINNED," probably does the best karaoke rendition of "Date Rape"  you could hope for—that low grovel! that strained falsetto!—and it's still unimaginably creepy.

You know how I know SINNED puts the "date rape" in "Date Rape"? Because even through this masterful camera phone recording, you may observe how SINNED masterfully changes the "Date Rape" lyrics from "If it wasn't for date rape I'd never get laid" to "If it wasn't for date rape SINNED would never get laid."

That's right—he chose to refer to his rapiness in the third person instead of using the standard "I." That's how rapey he is.

Later in the song, as you will know if you attended Middle School, the rapist becomes the rape victim. This only serves to enhance the grodiness of Date Rape Karaoke Guy, who first identifies with the vaginal rapist, then reveals that he considers anal rape to be hilarious.

I don't care how easy the melody is, dudes: Never, ever, ever be Date Rape Karaoke Guy.

But don't take my word for it! Three out of three random Internet commentators agree that "Date Rape" is the rapiest song you could ever choose to sing, in public, to a fake ska back-up band. With reverb.

Kiki of Seattle writes of her recent run-in with the Date Rape Karaoke Guy:

Unfortunately, Stacy was unable to hear a word I sang as some creepy guy kept talking to her throught my entire song. He asked her to dance repeatedly and would not take a hint. At one he told her that he was doing her a favor in asking her to dance. Once I had finished, I sat down and that creepy guy (we'll refer to him as Perve) started talking to me. I just wanted to drink my diet coke and enjoy our girl time in peace. Perve wanted me to dance with him. I did not want to dance with Perve, and I told him that I would not be dancing.

A couple songs later, Stacy gave a lovely performance of "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac. A few songs after that, it was Perve's time to shine. His song of choice? "Date Rape" by Sublime. Considering that this particular venue prides itself on its 12,000+ song book, I don't understand why that would be the song he chose. It did, however, fit him perfectly.

Karaoke Queen "Sonya," meanwhile, doles out some advice on how to avoid becoming Date Rape Karaoke Gay: Don't sing Sublime's "Date Rape." It's that easy:

"Date Rape.” Like, really? Why would you pick that? I mean, you’re at a bar, probably trying to get laid, and you’re gonna sing Date Rape? Really?

Also, don't sing Sublime's "Santeria."

But the most damning evidence comes from the guy with the camera phone who took the initiative to videotape Date Rape Karaoke Guy and post the footage on YouTube:

SINNED has done this song 120 times now and still can't get laid! Poor bastard!


  • James

    Ms. Hess, I would like you to know that I read your blog regularly and am in possession of a rather long penis.

  • http://karaokesongs-review.blogspot.com Janine

    As a Karaoke Host, I can so relate to this blog. You have your extremely creepy guy that thinks his song is the best and should be sung at a volume so loud it strains my speakers...to the guy that can't sing but wants to impress his friends, so you put on a karaoke song with the vocals still in it, so his friends can sing along and make the lip-syncing singer look good. As a karaoke host in San Antonio (a definite diverse city), we get all kinds even those that think they have what it takes....but are totally clueless on how to use it.

  • kza

    I'm not as hung as James but I do have grape fruit sized testicles if that helps.

  • http://www.youtube.com/waltrace World-Wide-Walt

    Thanks for posting my video in your story. It was actually shot on my laptop, as all my other videos too.
    Sinned is a friend, and one of the AWESOME K.J.'s at this venue, where we have a lot of fun! Please check out the rest of my twisted, goofy, and fun karaoke and music videos at:
    http://www.youtube.com/waltrace
    World-Wide-Walt
    Viewed in over 50 countries!

  • Mark

    Amanda, I read your blog but my dingle is tiny. Is this acceptable?

  • kza

    You can't read this blog unless you're a member of that 7 inches and up web site or whatever it was. It's a cross promotion.

  • Conrad Davis

    At the end of the song the woman calls the police and the guy gets 25 years. Did he change the lyrics to:

    "That night in jail it was getting late.
    SINNED was butt-raped by a large inmate, and he screamed.
    But the guards paid no attention to his cries."

    Because if not, he's got no dedication to his art.

  • http://kiki-seattle.blogspot.com Kiki

    I am so honored to have been quoted...even if for such an uncomfortable subject. lol

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