The Sexist

RIPT Body-Sculpting T-Shirt Achieves Gender Equality Via Regression

Take a look at this man. He is sculpted. Sophisticated. Discriminating. Confident, as if in possession of a heightened sense of core consciousness. Ripped. But no—this man is more than ripped. This man is RIPT.

" ?" you may be wondering. RIPT, according to RIPT, is "a body-sculpting undershirt designed to support your core, shave inches off your belly and enhance your posture. Immediately, you will look and feel better in your clothes with a heightened sense of core consciousness." It's also a product on the cutting edge of achieving equality for women via regression.

How does RIPT work? Sophisticatedly—by "compacting the abdomen and back" to create "a flatter silhouette under clothes," while subtly bringing men down to the level of women by impugning their masculinity with make-believe standards of physical perfection, then marketing uncomfortable and impractical products meant at solving what ails them (retail price $58). If only Sojourner Truth were alive today to see this.

But wait just a minute. What's wrong with the relaxed sense of core consciousness inspired by a man's regular old cotton t-shirt?

Honey, no: "Regular cotton t-shirts are so dead and gone," RIPT informs. What you need is a "compression garment" that may be worn under a "dress shirt, a polo, or a sweater." Can your regular cotton t-shirt do that, with the added benefit of making women feel better about feeling bad about their bodies? No. Only through a padded bra for men will women experience true equality.

How do you put on this goddamned thing anyway?

Okay, smartass. But how do you take it off?

My God—a $58 dollar shirt that will make men sophisticated, discriminating, confident, flatter, just as miserable as women, and which can be applied to their bodies just like a regular t-shirt? What's the downside here, beyond the totally awkward scenario of pulling your padded t-shirt up to your underarm, then grabbibg one side and pulling all the way over your head—in preparation for having sex with a woman? As a friend of mine pointed out, in a resounding defense of RIPT: "Whatever, who wants to sleep with the same woman twice anyway?"

  • Grumpy

    If it could actually cure beer belly, then it'd be worth it...Otherwise it's just a t-girdle

  • Cronin

    I was just gonna start dressing up like Batman, hiding my shameful flab behind sculpted polymer and taking my insecurities out on those who don't live up to my moral code, but RIPT is much more rational sartorial choice. Thanks, RIPT!

  • Cynthia

    i'm FOR it!

  • rojan

    Kinda promising. And I can always wear that under my nursing uniforms.

  • Acebojangles

    Wow, is there anything that doesn't outrage Amanda Hess?