The Sexist

Sarah Palin’s Next Move

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On July 3, Alaska Gov. Sara Palin announced her impending resignation from the Governor's seat, citing "a higher calling." In the wake of the announcement, Palin hasn't demonstrated much interest in unsolicited advice from newspapers, bloggers, and Tweeters. But with all of the contiguous United States now at her fingertips, Palin could use our help more than ever. As Anne Applebaum wrote in today's Washington Post: "what is that higher calling? If you don't tell us, we have to guess—or make jokes about it."

Weighing the pros, cons, and probabilities of our best guesses for Palin's next steps, after the jump.

MAKE A RUN IN 2012.

Pros: May manage to successfully run all the raging feminists out of this country for good.

Cons: Couldn't handle the job if she somehow, miraculously snagged it; couldn't handle the campaign trail, either; with all the feminists gone, no one left to defend Palin and family from rape jokes.

Odds: 5 to 1

MOVE TO LOS ANGELES.

Pros: Inevitable, just get it over with.

Cons: Will be lost in sea of naive fame-seekers.

Odds: 10 to 1.

POSE FOR PLAYBOY.

Pros: Heff's already interested; anything to erase the memory of her resignation speech performance (above); Runner's World spread confirms knack for full-body modeling. Plus, money.

Cons: Icky; too obvious; would help print media, which she hates, stay afloat another month; move would lower Palin's stock to below that of reality TV show rejects.

Odds: 500 to 1 (Maxim is a different story).

STAR IN A REALITY SHOW.

Pros: Would allow First Dude Todd Palin's star to rise along with hers; money; helpful transition into posing for Playboy; punning opportunities for name of reality show endless ("Pallin' Around With The Palins"; "The Beverly 'Fuckin' Rednecks,'" for chronical of relocation to L.A.)

Cons: Constant camera access to Palin family would only confirm fucked-up-edness of Palin's life and world-view; would allow First Dude Todd Palin's star to rise along with hers.

Odds: 10 to 1

GET A FOX NEWS TALK SHOW.

Pros: Finally, a venue where Palin's mixed metaphors, folksy aphorisms, and refusal to listen to anything are encouraged; no one would be able to look away; would improve Palin's improvisational skills while greatly inflating her ego; could really mine a Democrat-bashing "Politics as Usual" segment.

Cons: N/A

Odds: 3 to 1

RETREAT FROM THE LIMELIGHT.

Pros: Hates media; already undergoing public nervous breakdown; retreating from celebrity would make process less public

Cons: Loves media.

Odds: 1,000 to 1

  • Q

    LOL! Amanda, I see you are working on your shtick. This hardly qualifies as a SEXIST-type article but is funny nonetheless. A talk-show is seemingly a possibility. How about these names:

    The Hockeymom Corner -- complete with a "Penalty Shot" segment (ala "No Spin Zone"-O'Reily or "Worst Person"-Olberman)

    Pitbulls & Lipstick with Sarah Palin

    or she could just return to SNL. LOL!

  • TJ

    Actually, I can see this as a sexist article. The fact that it's Palin is enough. She claims to be pro-women (I can't actually call her a feminist... SHE doesn't even know for sure if she is or not) and speak for all women of the world, but we all know that she's speaking for only herself. She uses her sex as she sees fit.

  • http://www.washingtoncitypaper.com/blogs/sexist Amanda Hess

    TJ, I agree with you in the sense that Sarah Palin is an extremely interesting figure in feminism. As the first vice presidential candidate on the Republican ticket, Palin represents many goals of the women's movement (a widespread public acceptance of women in power, for one) while simultaneously failing women with her politics.

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