Gold Cadillac Vs. Bike: A Play in One Act
The morning commute. Cool breeze drifts through Washington. A bike rides West on R Street NW, passes Rhode Island Ave., and stops at 7th Street. A Gold Cadillac approaches from behind.
GOLD CADILLAC: You need to stay in the fucking bike line.
BIKE (in the bike lane): I'm in the fucking bike lane.
GOLD CADILLAC: You need to stay in the mother fucking bike lane. You need to stay away from my fucking car back there (indicating intersection), motherfucker.
BIKE: There is no bike lane there, you fucking asshole, it's an INTERSECTION.
GOLD CADILLAC: You better stay away from my car before I run over your ass.
BIKE: What the fuck is wrong with you you motherfucker, are you really going to murder a human because you don't understand how lanes work, you fucking fuck?
The light turns green.
GOLD CADILLAC: Stay away from my fucking car, you fucking bitch!
BIKE: Fuck you, motherfucker!
The GOLD CADILLAC drifts slightly into the bike lane, dumps a bottle of water on BIKE, laughs maniacally, hangs a right, and speeds away.
BIKE: Fuck.
BIKE hangs head in shame, knowing CAR has won this time.
Photo by thebig429
11:35 am
It's tire-slash time.
1:08 pm
pepper-spray: it's not just for loose dogs.
1:14 pm
BIKE remembers GOLD CADILLAC's license plate and files assault charges. BIKE has grounds to do so.
1:27 pm
BIKE wasn't fast enough to see it because BIKE doesn't drive a fucking caddy so BIKE shames GOLD CADILLAC on the Internet instead. Fucker.
3:50 pm
<3 BIKE
4:15 pm
I'd like to put money on Gold Caddy being from MD. 8 times out of 10 when I'm yelled at, sped past way too closely or have some other hostile driving behavior exhibited toward me its some asshole from MD.