The Sexist

Boner Lane: The Boners We Missed Along the Way

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After reading my post yesterday on taking a "Trip Down Boner Lane," one reader wrote in with a concerned message: "They missed the Beach Boner," he wrote.

Though my friend was quick to clarify that he, himself has "never even experienced beach boner," only "heard several accounts," he had a good point. In all the discussion of tween boner personality types—the Sensitive Boner, the Rebel Boner, the Jerky Boner, and the Oblivious Boner—we completely neglected to discuss Situational Boners! After all, not all boner queries provide a window into the teenage boy's soul—some are inspired entirely by circumstance.

So which boners did we miss?

The Beach Boner. Makes sense.

The "Does This Make Me Gay?" Boner. The Beach Boner tipster writes in with another: "How about inappropriate I'm-watching-porno-in-my-parents'-basement-with-several-of-my-adolescent-friends-all-male-boner," he suggests. "Again, I've only heard tell of such things."

The On-Campus Boner. Courtesy of a hometown friend, who walked the same boner lane as I in middle and high school: "I still remember having the revelation in the 7th grade as to why the boys sometimes held their Five Star notebooks really close to their crotches while they were walking."

The Hot Teacher Boner. Those Five Star notebooks weren't just for walking around—sometimes, even the formidable lab desks could not obscure the male students' resounding appreciation of my 7th grade biology teacher, who, had we known, would almost certainly have been granted "MILF" status.

The Surprise Adult Boner. Sure, sure, grown-ups—laugh it up at all the teenage boner horror stories. Unfortunately, middle school dances are not the surprise boner's final resting place. As anyone who recalls the 1997 Next Jam "Too Close" knows, this is a phenomenon that will continue to, err, pop up in life, and that can give even the smoothest of R&B artists, umm, a hard time. Erection.

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