The Sexist

Take A Trip Down Boner Lane

Today, Scarleteen—a great resource for teenagers who are first beginning to, you know, explore the feelings of, like, doin' it and stuff—published an epic roundup of boner queries.

Scarleteen titles its hard-on treasure trove more delicately: "The Roundup of 'I Get an Erection When …' Questions." (Stay tuned for the inevitable "Roundup of I Get an Erection When I Read Roundups of 'I Get an Erection When...' Questions Questions").

The roundup does a good job of ensuring all its "Erection-Whens" that their experiences are all perfectly normal, mmkay? But for those grown adults among us who haven't been on the receiving end of a rogue pitched-cargo-short since high school, the collection of surprise boners also provides a jarring trip down memory lane.

As I relived the boner era through these tales, I realized something. These "Erection-Whens" are not merely airing their inappropriate states of arousal. They're also, inadvertently, revealing their classic Teenage Boyfriend Personalities. Let's review, shall we?

Erection-When #1: The Sensitive Boner.

Hey, I have been dating a really special girl for about a month now and recently we were cuddling watching movies and we were touching each other in a pretty intense way and I didn't really notice it but I had gotten some sperm on my shorts and it bled through and it was ridiculously embarrassing because I knew she probably had felt it and I don't want to mess up our relationship over something like that.

Reminisce: Aww. If this guy can make premature ejaculation sound adorable, he's got nothing to worry about, right? Mmm, until that really special girl breaks up with him really soon over a completely unrelated problem he never expected: He's "too into" her. You'll precum again, dude, I promise.

Erection-When #2: The Rebel Boner.

Hi. I'm 15 years old and I've been with my girlfriend (17) for about 3 months now. She rides my bus to and from school and we sit in the back together where nobody can see us. Every day, she puts her legs over mine and we fool around a little bit, but never go further than making out; and I have a rather embarrassing problem. . . I pre-cum really really badly. I can't control it! It's so embarrassing and when she gets off the bus I look down and there's a big wet spot on my shorts, and I really want to know how to control it. PLEASE HELP!!!

Reminisce: First of all: High-five. Second: Scarleteen's advice, which is basically "maybe try having surprise boners in a less embarrassing place, like not on the school bus," might not be too compelling for this 15-year-old charmer. Remember: This kid is macking on a 17-year-old, on the school bus. He's not going to give that up for anything. Not even clean shorts.

Erection-When #3: The Jerky Boner.

So, my question is that I have learned that my girlfriend is pretty naive about sex and doesn’t want to do it. That is fine with me, but I am worried because whenever we kiss, or embrace closely, I have an erection that will touch, if not poke her. What is she thinking about this? Do other guys she's dated have this problem to? Or does she just think that I am a pervert?

Reminisce: Ugh. You always do this. So, your question is: Your girlfriend is "naive" and so doesn't want to "do it," which is "fine" with you, except that it's totally her fault that you have a boner, which is also fine as long as she doesn't think you're a "pervert"? Dude: That's not a question. Scarleteen rightly neutralizes this guy by responding, "I’m not really sure why you’re describing your girlfriend as naive about sex." Hey, not having sex with you sounds like a pretty informed decision to me, too. Allow me to add some additional advice: Masturbate.

Erection-When #4: The Oblivious Boner.

Okay, so when I went to a dance with this girl and we were just dancing together sorta close and I couldn’t help but like how it felt when she would dance against me. But then she was dancing facing away from me and her rear was rubbing against my crotch and I kept trying to think of anything not sexual but the next thing I knew I was hard. I don’t know if she noticed or not 'cause she kept dancing like that but I didn’t want her to think I was gross or anything so I went to the bathroom until it left. It happened again that night too when we danced slow with her against me, and I know she felt it because she kind of giggled, but I don’t know if she was laughing at me or what. It was embarrassing, how can I make it not happen.

Reminisce: She noticed.

Photo by bestfor.

...