The Sexist

INAUGURAL CELEB WATCH: The “Hills” Aren’t Alive


Town Tavern: The not-est ticket in town.

I just escaped from newly minted Town Tavern's "Bi-Costal 'Ball,'" a $125-per-ticket party that top-billed special guests from MTV's "The Hills." Whither Lauren, whither Brody, whither Audrina and Speidi? (At this point, I'd even take a JustinBobby). As if they'd be showing in this Adams Morgan den of defrosted-shrimp-appetizers before 10 p.m. But that's okay—in its first two days of operation, Town Tavern has proven that it doesn't need to deliver the C-list reality show starpower to trade in some pretty serious hype. The Town Tavern is the same bar that's blown up a bit recently for claiming to turn away men younger than 23, require collared shirts, and deny "unaccompanied" groups of men entrance.

Tonight, the hype stakes were raised significantly. Take a look at the $125 price tag on the ball tickets. Of the two-dozen party guests I surveyed, nobody paid anywhere near that much. In fact, nobody paid anything at all. Nobody! Take this guy, for example:


His name is Romero, and he's been drinking on the Town Tavern's dime since 6 p.m.! He indicates that he did not pay anything to get in by forming a "zero" with his fingers! I do the same!

Or how about these guys?


These men, too, paid nothing, despite the $125 price indicated on the tickets they do not hold! They won't even agree to show their faces at Town Tavern, but they'll come in and not party with the cast of the "Hills," who is not present! For free!

How about these guys?


These men are not displaying their hands, but if they did, they might be forming them into "zero" signs, indicating that they did not pay anything! Early on, I asked the rightermost gentlemen in this photo how they managed to gain access to this Very Exclusive Club Event without paying any money. They indicated that the man on the left had the "connections" to get them in for free.

"I hear you're the guy with connections," I said to the man on the left.

"If by 'connections,' you mean 12-inch cock, then yeah," the man on the left said.

This exchange was totally free and cost me no money!


Entering Town Tavern: Free. Eating a chocolate-covered pineapple at Town Tavern: Free. Partying with this lady (shirtless): Priceless. Someone's blushing!


These dudes gained free access to this exclusive club by agreeing to wear ridiculous promotional costumes! They sacrificed more than all of us.


These nice people from New York City were invited on Facebook!

Despite the inflated price tag which nobody—and I mean nobody—actually paid, this club was not without its exclusive touches. "Skewers" of chocolate-covered fruits and mozzarella cheeses circled the darkened pub! A professional photographer shot my friends and I three times before giving up with a snide "not so much"! Scantily clad women employed by the club danced to Journey! Dudes in Superhero costumes danced with these women, to Journey! Behold:

One party-goer (who got in totally free, knows the brother of a manager) said that all of this—the strict door rules, the strange dress code, the $125 tickets—was all part of a plan to make this "the classiest bar in Adams Morgan." He's not sure it's working. "I hate to say this, but I think they just want a reason to turn people away at the door if they want to," he told me. "I'm not sure the whole 'exclusive' thing is working, though."

The inaugural event bubble is bursting everywhere, but nowhere as much as Adams Morgan, a neighborhood that's high on party hype and low on political spirit. Before I left, I asked a couple of girls waiting at the coat check if they would text me if a cast member from the "Hills" actually arrived at Town Tavern that night. Less than a half an hour later, I received this text from one: "so i'm heading out but word on the street is that doug is on his way. Goodluck!"

Doug? Who the fuck is Doug?

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