Step the Fuck Off the Napolitano
Hey, blogger Sascha Elise Cohen! I've just read your satirical op-ed for the Huffington Post asking Arizona Governor Janet Napolitano to be your "Valentine." My favorite part is where you do away with clever jokes crafted from legitimate criticisms to make fun of how you think she looks like a dyke. ha, ha, oh, you bright rising star of homophobic satire!
I, too, enjoy indiscriminately copying a phrase from a public figure's Web site, arbitrarily deciding I disagree with it, and burying my nonsensical criticism in 400 words of jokes about the figure's perceived sexual orientation. Upon further inspection, though, I think your little lesbian Mad Lib could be a bit more to the point, no? After the jump, I've edited your hilarious homophobic euphemisms to help you say what you really mean.
You're a little old for me, Secretary of Homeland Security Elect, but boy are you tough a lesbian. According to Wikipedia, you're "an avid basketball fan who regularly plays tennis" a lesbian! That's so cute! Now, Napolitano, to be honest, we couldn't be more different. I'm not the athletic type butch, I get sports terms all mixed up, and I haven't worked up an impressive heart rate since the last millennium.
That is, until I saw your photo!!!
How did such a handsome woman lesbian manage to stay single for so long? And why is your last name so much fun to say?
But enough fawning, let's be serious for a moment. I love how, as Governor Napolitano of Arizona, you've taken extensive measures to create fiscal responsibility and to end bureaucratic waste. Maybe you could teach my own faltering state Governor, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a thing or two. For instance, yesterday I had to take a dilapidated public bus full of garbage and pathogenic microbes to stand in a three hour line for an unemployment check. I brought a library book, but two thirds of the pages were missing and the remaining third made references to the Soviet Union. [incomprehensible screed about California]. Bet that wouldn't happen on your watch! I sure wish you could ride in on a horse like Prince Charming a lesbian and save us. Then I'd hop on sidesaddle and we'd gallop off into the smoggy horizon, my hair limp and greasy from unregulated toxic emissions lesbianism.
But things get even more romantic gayer from there. We could eat spaghetti and discuss fortifying the nation's borders. I'd giggle nervously at the sight of your sturdy posture and resolute facial expressions lesbianism. We could make a real night of it; I've already invited Maddow, Samantha Ronson, and Condi several notable lesbians. Actually, Sam might not follow all the political jargon, but she could sit there chain smoking and looking exhausted gay. As for you, do me one favor: skip all the makeup and just show up in a swoon-worthy blazer or polo shirt with a rakishly aggressive collar some gay shit.
Love,
Sascha a "humorist."
12:06 pm
wow...
12:09 pm
And IIIIIIIIII, will always love YOUUUUUUUU...
No, seriously, this is why.
12:17 pm
Wait Condi is a lesbian?
12:50 pm
OK, that blogger sucks. Still, J-Na is kinda scary. Not because of her perceived queerness (duh), but bc she might try to purge the country of Mexicans! ughhhh
http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-napolitano23-2008nov23,0,6596354.story?track=rss
12:55 pm
There are plenty of legit criticisms of Napolitano to discuss, satirize, mock, etc ... the butch thing, not so much
5:27 pm
actually I find butch lesbians to be tremendously scary, and tri-flavored ice cream lady to be equally so.
3:21 pm
Um, Ms. Hess? I'm pretty sure Ms. Cohen isn't homophobic. You know, since she's a lesbian. Do your homework!
Knowing that, I don't think it was supposed to be a political criticism. I think that's why it may have been light on content. In fact, the only mention of facts was a link to JN's own site, and it was within a flattering context.
Granted, I'm not sure what her point is, but there's nothing negative in the article when you know the facts.
3:37 pm
I've read some of Cohen's other work and all of it sits well with me---except for this. Is it funny when a young, attractive lesbian viciously attacks another woman by insinuating that she appears to be an old, butch lesbian? I think it's actually nonsensical, mean, and yeah, homophobic. You're right that there don't seem to be any facts laid out here (was the token link to Napolitano's site flattering? I couldn't gauge any sort of point to it). The only fact I see Cohen riffing on here is Napolitano's appearance and her perception as a closeted lesbian. Cohen uses those to construct a joke fantasy with Napolitano playing the unattractive suitor. I disagree that there's nothing negative in that, but others might disagree ... does Cohen's sexuality make this sort of "joke" okay?
4:18 pm
I guess my point was I don't get where the "vicious" part was. There's nothing at all vicious.
It may or may not be a "token link," but its containing sentences are a full-on compliment: "I love how, as Governor Napolitano of Arizona, you've taken extensive measures to create fiscal responsibility and to end bureaucratic waste. Maybe you could teach my own faltering state Governor, Mr. Arnold Schwarzenegger, a thing or two." There's nothing snarky directed at JN before or after it. It's a flat-out compliment.
And I'd think again about her framing JN as an unattractive suitor. Yeah, she's describing her as butch, but (and I just re-read it) there's nothing insulting.
I just am having trouble grasping your outrage. You are the one who figuratively and literally read between the lines.
Again, I'm not sure what Cohen's point is. The stuff she says is more like the type of things a bunch of lesbian friends would point out about someone while watching them on TV, not something I'd bother to submit to the Huff.
All of that said, I did a little reading when her name hit the national spotlight via Obama's nomination of her. She has given conflicting answers when asked about family. There is a sense that she's hiding something. Of course, that's her right. But maybe that's what Cohen was getting at. I don't know.
I just think that maybe you read way more into this than what's there. Read it again. There's nothing there. She has no point, and isn't being mean.
Oh, and by the way, I found your edits to her essay very funny (funnier than her original!), I just think you're interpretation is wrong. That's all.
5:48 pm
I think your reading is fair---and agree that we're both discussing a piece at length at appears to make no sense at all, which is probably silly. I think the line about Napolitano's accomplishments is straight sarcasm, like the entire rest of the piece---Cohen does not actually want to be Napolitano's valentine---I just don't see what it's meant at getting at. But the sarcastic mentions of Napolitano's appearance, to me, are clearly very mean---" I haven’t worked up an impressive heart rate since the last millennium. . . . That is, until I saw your photo!!! . . . How did such a handsome woman manage to stay single for so long?" What a strangely bitchy premise for a post.
I don't know if Cohen is making fun of the speculation that Napolitano's gay---again, Cohen makes no sense---but either way, I think low jokes calling her out as a masculine spinster are inappropriate and mean.
8:48 pm
Hello,
I just came across this and wanted to respond.
I am part of the LGBT community myself, and this was meant to be a light-hearted, silly, flattering comment on Napolitano. Obviously we don't know her sexual orientation, but I LOVE the fact that she's butch, and I'd love to see more visible butch women in power. (And in the entertainment industry) I'm also sympathetic to her politics, which I tried to convey here as well.
I can see how this could have been misinterpreted as mean-spirited, but I am actually a big huge fan of female masculinity. It does make sense that some readers would see this as bitchy/homophobic though, without being more familiar with me.
8:24 pm
I currently live in arizona and have been a witness
to the utter chaos and unregulated damage Jayno
has shit upon us in her years in office.
You all can call her a lezzy or whatever.
You got it all wrong and your missing the point.
She`s a fucking piece of shit,forget about all the lezzy
bullshit and stick to what matters!
Our state is in such dire debt because of her inability to make timely decisions and follow through.
This piece of shit is now sitting in a seat of homeland security???????Are you fucking kiding me.
Goddammmit we are nationally going to fail on a grand scale now.
No wounder our government/country is soooo fucked up,
look at our representation.
Quick someone call sheriff Joe to snuff this bitch out
before she pulls the last string and has him put in prison for inhumane crimes against Mexicans that are sneaking across Arizona borders daily.